so this is semi addressed to a certain person but i don't think he even reads my blog anymore...
we got pretty close once we got to college even though we were super far apart but then somehow in the summer i got fake annoyed at something & then it ended up being a fight over nothing & we just haven't really talked much since then
i realize i probably take my anger out on him sometimes as i do with all my close guy friends...but it takes like a day or less to get over unless they really did something wrong...
but at the same time i'm sort of hurt this time...
& i wanted to say the reasons but at the time i felt like i was ratting a friend out...
but basically i got mad at him cuz he never calls me & he always calls our other friend...i started that argument half kiddingly...but then for some reason i just got mad...
he said i never call him either
which is true...but see the reality is that she never calls him either unless he called her first
& for some odd reason i always seem to be there when he calls her & i know for a fact that she almost always silences her phone...
& she's told me that half the time she doesn't even listen to him & what not...
& i guess that's where my frustration stemmed...he was trying so much freaking harder to be her friend & he never made that effort for me...
granted i was at fault too for not calling randomly but i'm not really one to do that anyways...
he gave the excuse of him knowing her longer & how that made a difference because he was far away
maybe for him? but i just didn't see that as any sort of valid excuse...because TECHNICALLY i've known him since elementary school...
my argument was that it's not like you sit around talking about your middle school experiences & past...so what difference does it make if it's about the present...& it's not like we even went to a different middle school i know everyone he knows...
i know this sounds super lame to even be debating this on this blog
but you have to understand how frustrated i feel & how upset i get when i see him calling this mutual friend because sup'dly she's a "better" friend when in reality she's not & she's guilty of everything i'm guilty of & still she gets consistent phone calls
i freaking know this is petty...
but at the same time it's just very frustrating to see a friend slip away before my eyes
yes i know i can do something about it...
i can just get over it & be his friend
but i always fucking do that
& i'm so sick of it
i'm so very sick of being the forgiving friend that you can pull through the mud & i'll still be the smiling ever giving connie all over again
i know i've changed a lot already...
i already put up with a lot less crap
but it's always there in the back of mind
i have to force myself to not do things like that cuz that just gives them the green light for treating me badly
person to whom this is addressed i'm not saying you treat me badly but you didn't seem to understand my frustration...so this is it....if you even read this anymore
& granted i was never to the point of showering you w/ selfless friendship but it still hurts nonetheless
i just needed to get this off my chest
cuz our mutual friend was defending him tonight & i got so pissed off inside my mind
as i was cooking today...
i was reminded of how dom just kept saying i was probably beyond my years...i was definitely more mature than most of my friends...& i don't want to offend anyone but i realize again how true that is...maybe not on the outside...i'm a total kid but inside my mind i've thought many more thoughts & experienced more emotional pain than most of them in certain aspects...
& i definitely realize i gravitate to making friends w/ those that are older than me or that just know a lot of stuff...cuz i learn so much from them...they intrigue me...& in a weird way i feel more of a common ground with them...
i know i'm coming off as a total bitch(& starting as a kid & then going into how mature i am) in this entire entry but i'm just telling you how i see it...
i know i'm not great at putting things into words
& i also realized besides the advice of those older than me i have never received a single piece of life applicable good/useful advice from a single friend...
if anything it's been me listening to their woes & giving them advice that they seem to be "amazed" by or something...something useful...i don't even bother going too forward & being too offensive as to pointing out their errors cuz then they'd just disagree & absorb nothing from the conversation..they'd just sit there angry that i'd even have the nerve to say what i did...
anyways there was no real point to this entry cept to get that off my chest