Mood:
i tried to go out...
& all i got out of it was deafness & annoyance...
i went w/ blake's w/ chanda & her yogurt park coworkers & their friends...
i'm not sure why but i felt completely out of place..
it was alright when i first met them
but at blake's...it just worsened because you couldn't really talk..you could just dance to the music & what not...
i suck at dancing...& i think the only time i would ever feel comfortable enough dancing was if i was with only my close friends...
some of them had alcohol & got all into it..& i guess i was just never that type...
it was almost lame that i stood there...analyzing why i felt so crappy standing there...the music was great...i could really get lost into it...but i wasn't someone to start shaking my ass to it...
i didn't know if it was because i was w/ a bunch of stranger that made me feel bleh or if it was cuz i absolutely hated the impersonal interaction it was...you went w/ a bunch of friends & everytime you needed to talk it had to be done by yelling...it was like going w/ a bunch of friends to the movies...it allowed for little opening up & all about being out there..."having fun"
i guess it's my own personal preference...memories to me are formed thru interaction...i guess i went thru this already when i talked about ppl drinking & getting high together..it jsut wasn't my definiteion of fun..in fact it was the way out of a true connection...
anyways...i felt like the ppl there were not trying to be especially friendly in anyway..not that i was expecting them to jump on me...but it's just when they'd talk i'd be right outside the circle & what not...
on the walk home i decided to compare myself to a book on the shelf...i was that drab colored book that seemed to always be in the corner...if you even picked it up to look at the cover & back cover summary you'd be intrigued & of course like all books i opened but the moment i sensed your intrigued i'd fall open naturally into your hands & you'd smile & begin reading...you'd realize there was more to it than just the story you thought it'd be...it was deeper...it was thoughful...
i remember when i was going thru a tough time a few years back (i know this sounds horrible but i've grown wise since hopefully) i told my mentor-like friend that i would never end my life because i wanted to see how the story of connie lynn chen would end...
i told my lab members the other day that i feel like i would die in a freak accident...not of old age...i don't know why...i just had this feeling...they both said they wanted to die early...the didn't want to get old & not be able to do things themselves & need ppl to help them to live...
typical of a guy i suppose...very proud..too proud to have others see their weakness...but in a way it was brave too...to not fear death...
the thing is...i myself do not fear death...i just fear death for all things around me...i fear they will leave me...selfish i know...but the very thought of it scares me...i remember when dom would talk of suicide...every time it would bring me to tears..& trust me...i don't cry often & i've never cried in a movie...
i've been feeling very very weak..physically & emotionally..anything will break me...almost annoy me...& when i walk around i feel so lethargic...& tired...& out of it...just not good...