Mood:
chris & i buried him by the creek on campus
i wanted to say a few words but i didn't know what so we left in silence
ironically ont he bus today, i thought to myself "i'm so proud..i haven't cried over anything in a long time"...the pain people inflicted on me affected me no longer...i spoke too soon
i knew i was someone that would not be able to deal with death...this is secretly why i never got a pet even though i love all living things...& i repeat that..living...
it was instantaneous tears when i realized what was happening..
i had played with him in the morning when i was supposed to be doing my statics homework...he was so spazzy...so adorable...i put him back in the cage & he continued to run & play on the wheel...when i came home from school he was in his fluff corner but i didn't want to bother him cuz he usually slept til night time...so i left at 8 to meet our friend's family friend because we were babysitting for them this weekend & i went to chanda & audrey's apt afterwards & we watched tv together i came home & i expected beethoven to be running around cuz these were his awake hours but he was still huddled in the same spot...my heart grew scared...but i put the idea out of my mind...i called his name & knocked on his cage & even opened the door expecting him to run to me like he always did...but he didn't...he just lay there...motionless...i was scared to touch him for fear of affirmation of the worst...i called chanda first & no offense but she was useless then i called dom expecting him to rush here like he did for fucking phuong bitch...i wanted him to do something...anything...i was so scared i was just huddled in the corner of the kitchen crying hysterically...my mind was a muddle & i couldn't think..dom told me to pick him up & warm him...i saw his little legs & i couldn't do it...i just couldn't i did not want to know he was really dead...i just cried harder because i felt so useless..dom couldn't understand what i was mumbling about & he told me to calm down & speak normally...i got so mad...i expected him to just understand what i was saying...wasn't he supposed to....i said i wanted to get off the phone & i called chris...i needed someone...a close friend...& thank you for being there chris...(please don't take this as oh so i was the third person you called...it was more like i expected chanda to do something because she's had so many pets...& i expected dom to take fucking responsibility because it was also his pet) chris came & took beethoven in his hand & tried to warm him...i didn't want to watch so i stayed int he bedroom at first..but chris was so calm...i eventually walked closer to watch...in my head i was really expecting him to start moving his leg & see his eyes slowly open like a newborn....but it never happened...
& it's very strange...i see memories with beethoven like a movie reel in my head...as i do with all those that i care about...i can feel his furriness on my lips as i kissed him...i remember when i used to give him yummy treats...i can see his expression when i poked him cuz i thought he was eating something he wasn't sup'd to & he dropped his bean & then peed on my desk...his teeth marks are still on my eraser...i remember when i saw him at the pet store..it was dom's bday & he bought him & then gave him to me...we watched as he stood out in the crowd..he played the wheel as if it was some instrument...& i loved him more then he'd probably ever understand...
dom said when he first saw him in my apt...he is a very happy hamster...i think he is the only hamster that did not bite people ever..even strangers...he would just run around being all curious & look at you with adorable wide eyes...
i love you beethoven
i will miss you
you will always be in my heart & on my mind
may you rest in peace in the shade of the big pine tree...

r.i.p beethoven
my munchkin
my pokeys
my fluffball
my spazzy furball
"my lover"
October 20, 2004