Mood:
so...my life is in order...
school is going well...
what do i have to be upset about...
i'm very much upset w/ myself...& my body...
i've seriously never felt so disgusting in my life...& although i try..nothing is happening...i've been eating healthier...doing yoga...weight lifting...& i think i realized that yoga although i supposedly lose calories during..it's not enough to change anything aobut my body..so now i think i need to do cardio..but i really don't ahve the time...every yoga class is like 1.5 hrs but the walking to & from & the showering & resting...it ends up being about 3 hrs where i can't do anything...& if i have to head to the gym i think i would die...i just don't have enough timein the day..every night even w/out the work now! i fall asleep pretty much the moment my head hits the pillow...i'm always so tired...
it's weird cuz my friend told me she has gotten obsessed w/ looking at other people's bodies when she's on campus...mainly girls...almost as if she's checking them out...wondering to herself if that girl is skinny cuz she doesnt' eat or cuz she works for it...& she said she wish she could stop being so obsessed & then it almsot hit me like lightning...i have been doing that all my life...& i never realized how abnormal it was....the only thing that stops me from being anerexic is my love of food....i have always stared at girls...oogling & wishing i was anything but the very thing i was...at least body wise...i was always told i was fat...i was ugly...i just couldn't compete....& that's why i get so mad at my mom sometimes...she doesn't realize how much she has scarred me...& she says...it's my own fault for misinterpretting her words & hurting myself...but that is completely bullshit..a girl should never be put down her whole life..a girl is sensitive enough...& it's another thing to hear it from your parent all your life...a person you always respect the opinion of...i know i've talked about this so much in past entries...but i know or a fact i will always compliment my child...i will never be the one that make him/her think less of himself/herself because of things i say...i want them to be confident...i want them to be happy w/ themselves...
last night i had a dream...i was riding a bike as if it was a motorcycle but it still had pedals...i swooped & curved around parked cars in the parking lot & some other guy was also riding his bike...i think it was in a church parking lot...he was some cute asian guy...so we just hung out together...& then there was some styrofoam building that basically was a whole street of houses inside...his house/room was the first one on the street...he said "you'll get jealous won't you" & i said "no" but made an evil-ish grin...& the whole time i kept looking at all the others girls outside...for some strange reason they were all not attractive...they had ok bodies...but yea...& then the guy said well i just wanted someone to do hw w/ (referring to me) but i saw his schedule & we didn't have classes together...& i was confused & he told me to fetch his slippers & i got so angry...& i said i barely know you & you're already ordering me about like everyone else does...& then i woke up...it was 12 something! i freaked out..i've never slept that late in forever & i had set my alarm too..so i have no idea what happened...
anyways..i'm really down everytime i think about how gross i look...i can't even explain it...
& dom is sup'd to call but i doubt he will...i wouldn't be surprised & personally i wouldn't care cuz i have other plans...
i'm going chanda's dinner: tableware shopping today...
i decided i'm gonna keep the things i buy tableware wise cuz it'll end up being expensive & i don't think she will realize or appreciate as much as i'd hope she would...plus it'd be useful to have nice plates for a nice formal dinner...i bought the wine glasses already...they're super pretty..the stems sort of look like they are the stems of flowers (but not that girly..they're just very classy)...they're made in like germany or something...
hmm shopping will make me feel better:P
ironically i miss my mommy...