Mood:
Now Playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers-Tear
the last entry was my first truly angry one in a while....
i was just so frustrated...
i'm taking this class, ieor 140, it's robotics...
basically building robots & programming with java...
yes...it SEEMS fun...but i think the only reason it's not is because the prof doesn't really teach & every single class something is happening...whether it be a lab due or an assignment due or a quiz or reading to do before class...a lot of them overlap too...it's just frustrating beyond belief...we've already had two assignments, a lab, and a quiz...& we're still in the middle of a lab due thursday & an assignment due tuesday & a quiz thursday & reading to be done before class tuesday & i'd be ok if this was my only class...but it's not...& so i'm getting so overwhelmed especially because people that already know java are rewarded but it's not a pre-req & i definitely don't know java...
i don't think people are really getting how frustrating this class is...we HAVE to go into the lab to turn in our homework & we all don't have key cards because they take a week to activate & they didn't have any cards for the first week...
& get this...yesterday i got to the lab at around 12:30 to turn in my homework before 2 but because of technical difficulties i missed my 1pm class & i had lab for that class at 2 pm & then i ended up staying with my group doing the lab until 9:30 some...PM yes...that means over 9 hours....& remember we can't just leave & come back cuz we all don't have keys to the lab & you can't prop the door open or else it makes a horrendous high pitched sound...so all of us were hungry, tired & in LAB on a FRIDAY night....& we still didn't finish...
i was planning to relax friday night so i could study all weekend...to get away from exactly what was keeping me from relaxing that night...ugh...
ok...& TRUST me....our group is NOT stupid....i can't say i'm all that bright but my other members are very smart....& quick...BUT we're all java beginners...everything we've learned was from the java book (aka user manual-esque book)...
ok...so then..how the hell are we supposed to program a robot that uses light sensors to detect light intensity & from that information follow a black race track on a white background...smoothly...
having picked up the book a mere two weeks ago...
granted..we got it to do it after a bit but then how are we supposed to know how to alter & keep altering to make it smooth & fit it's specifications...gawd...
dude...& prove the scariness of this class...one group of 3 stepped into the lab that friday & just stepped out & told the professor they were all dropping because they couldn't handle it...
& i couldn't put it better than my friend...
in this category (for our major) there were two classes offered this semester...he said: i read the class descriptions & one said "databases" & one said "legos" & i thought to myself..what could possibly be bad about legos! but...now i know...
this is just a big huge complaint...i know...
but i have that right..it's my blog:P
minus this stressful class...thinga have been going pretty well...
i'm handling the other classes just fine...
& the last yoga class i had was the best i've ever had...i felt soo good after...& lemme remind you i like to complain about yoga:P...i started being able to do the full positions for ones i couldn't before...there's one where you are on your knees & your hands on your lower back & you lean back in a half circle shape & if you could lean far back enough you could rest your hands on your heels...i never really tried to put my hands on my heels just cuz it hurts your back a lot but then i did...so i was a full half circle...it made me feel good...
& this other position where one of your feet is on your thigh standing up & your hand is in the center holding balance...& if you're balanced enough you can lean forward so your fingers are touching the floor in front & you bring yourself to your standing leg's toes & balance in a basically like a one legged squat...
anyways..most of your have no idea what i'm talking about...haha...it's ok though...i'm reminding myself
:P
today is september 11th...the strangely as well as selfishly...i am not thinking about the world trade center....as of last year...9/11 has a different meaning to me...it's been a year since dom & me's more than friends relationship officially started...& i almost forgot...which is sort of nice...i remember after ken...every 23rd of each month i would remember...but...this is strange...i almost forgot about that too...& it just occurred to me it was oct. 23 but i had to try to remember...
i enjoy that...although i sound like a heartless creature...you have no idea what a big step that is for me...i hold onto things too tightly & when it's been taken from me it leaves me w/ scars on my hand & maybe even take a piece of me with it...
i love the very fact that i don't care...
it is the only thing keeping me from falling now...
i haven't really been sad in a while...at least not due to people...
i have been annoyed w/ people but that's fleeting...
i think actually there is a certain person i've been sort of annoyed w/ but i need in my life so i can't really do anything about it...
this person...really needs me right now...because s/he is going through some tough times personally...& i can understand because i've been through the same thing...but quite a bit worse...but see the thing that stops me from completely embracing his/her problems & helping him/her is because when i was going through the similar experience they were not really there for me...they got sick of me....i had stop my desire to need him/her as a friend & turned to myself because they simply were not being a "good" friend...& s/he sort of blew me off because they could not understand the pain of the situation...
this is where things of dom came into my mind...i remember when we were only friends...he said to me...i'm a bit more ahead of most of the people i know....(this is not a compliment to myself...in a way it's annoying as crap...cuz you tend to grow more bitter as a result) i sorta understood him...but i was never plainly shown it...until within this year....i always seemed to be a step ahead of realizations & understanding situations...i was sort of left to explain it to laggers....it was as if i had to experience it first...as a test...just so i could be a great friend & advise others later...
it's very frustrating...because if you try to explain to someone else they simply won't understand...
i haven't really been good in the advice arena lastly simply cuz i've stopped caring...but i remember when i tried to shed light on a situation that was being told to me..i usually got a "you know what...you're totally right" type of response...
& i used to sort of revel in that...
i actually haven't had me time in a long time...
i have been focused on the outside me a lot...the school and the body...
i've sort of suppressed the inside me to accommodate for the newcomers in my life...
i've never been happier w/ myself in the school sense...& i've never been more disgusted w/ my own body....but at the same time...i really am taking steps...so i'm just just sitting here complaining...which i'm happy about...the only thing i need to watch more is my diet...
i wonder how i got soo fit that summer....i think i ate very very little...& i just exercised a lot...i remember my look in the mirror & i wish it was back...i would do pilates & then look at my stomach...that was non existent except for growing muscles...it felt so good...i want that back...
that was the only thing going for me that summer...gawd i was a mess...
technically...i'm a lot healthier this summer...mentally, definitely...even physically...i'm probably stronger now than i was then...& i do indulge in my love of food sometimes...i think i used to eat like a few baby carrots & call it a meal...that's not the life i want to lead...i really DO want to live life to it's fullest....
i want to enjoy every bite i take, every memory i make, every smile, every person that made it worth my while, every sight i've seen, every night i've had a dream....
(& yes i made it rhyme...though not on purpose at first...cuz i'm a nerd)
Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Tear"
This is my time
This is my tear
I can see clearly now
That this is not a place
For playing solitaire
Tell me where you want me
This is my time
This is my tear
Comin? on strong
Baudelaire
Seems to me like
All the world gets high
When you take a dare
Let it rise before you
This is my time
[chorus:]
All in all i?m
Loving every rise and fall
The sun will make and I will take
Breath to be sure of this
In the end
All will be forgiven when
Surrender rises high and i
Gave what I came to give
Say it now because you never know
Devil may cry devil may care
Distiller?s got a scream
And now I know just why
When she?s movin? air
Can you feel the voltage
This is my time
California skies
Got room to spare
This is my time
[chorus]
Take it outside
Take it out there
Seems to me like
All the world gets high
When you take a dare
In the final moment
This is my time
[chorus]