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C is for...candor
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Sunday, 8 August 2004
for anyone that dares...
for anyone that dares to call me a drama queen regarding my past relationships...or simply if you want to understand what sorta of thing i've been thru minus the tv show watch "little black book"

i think i wanted to cry...but i didn't because it was all so surreal...

it was like my life on big screen...

i did not know how to feel...

it was not really a romantic comedy like i had expected...it was about all the doubts & wavering emotions a chick goes thru in a relationship...

in my life...
it was my first real relationship that ended in unfaithfulness that led to all my doubts in men...

believe me...i did not seek it out..when i found out i refused to accept it...until i realized i had to...& things had to end....

that's when my summer spree happened...dated all sorts...some i liked more than others...none seemed meaningful enough...there was always something off which proved to me that i couldn't ever have a relationship with any of them...

that's when he stepped into my life...i knew he liked me...but he did not admit it to himself or me...we agreed that if we ever changed our minds about being more than friends we would tell each other...one day he told me he changed his mind...i didn't have an answer for him...i left him hanging...he understood & did not force it upon me...we talked for 6 hrs a day, everyday...i don't even know what about but we never got bored...we got to be very close...& he became my best friend...we went on adventures together...i called him my panda...

he made me feel on top of the world...& made me feel a feeling i thought i would never feel again...

i remember when we went to chinatown & there was a chinese festival going on & i was scared of losing him in the crowd & he said "ok let's pinky link" so we did...the whole time...he told me later he was grinning like a fool the whole time & he couldn't help it...his first genuine smile in a long time..he said it had probably been about two years...

i wanted to like him..but there were logical rational reasons why i shouldn't...i remember going for a walk with him & we ended up sitting on the curb & i was crying telling him how much i wanted to like him...i remember he had told me about a heart problem that he was born with because when his mom was pregnant w/ him there were a lot of smokers in the house...he told me the doctors always said he would have a short life, maybe even half the span of an average man...i remember that being of great concern to me...because he seemed like someone i would want to spend the rest of my life w/ & i was being very selfish & i thought about him leaving the earth before me...& i would just cry...for fear of being alone...i told him & he just looked at me & after being interrupted a few times very unopportunely by cars & other walkers..he told me "if i knew there was someone on this earth that wanted me to stay longer...do you know how hard i would fight to stay alive?" i hugged him my eyes still wet with tears & my noses still stuffed up....

another walk...he piggy backed me to the nearby elementary school...we sat on the baseball field bench...he said "do you know the courage i built up to call you that first time?" he motioned me to walk with him as he walked to first base...he said this is when i first started up the convo...i followed him to 2nd base...he said this is when i asked if you liked boba...walked to 3rd this is when i asked your favorite flavor....& then when you asked me for my favorite...that's when i walked to home...i knew you cared...& you were interested in what i was about too...he piggy backed me home...

we were housesitting one weekend...he sat on the ledge of the sofa & i sat on his lap...& i looked at him, kissed him, & smiled...he looked at me straight into my eyes...& he said "i..." "what is it?" i asked...he said "nothing..we have time" i asked again teasingly "tell me...please?" he repeated "no it's ok..we have time" i said " were you going to say what i think you were going to say" he said "yea..we have time"....he had never told anyone he loved them..it was a big deal for him...& it is...i would never want someone to tell me something they did not mean...

i remember when i was falling asleep...he looked down at me...& told me he was falling in love with me...

i remember when i lay on my bed watching tv & he said "how do i deserve you..how do i deserve to be with you"

i remember when he sat down at my dining table in front of all the food i made for our dinner..he had come to my place after a whole day of work...he said...this is the first time i can really say "i'm home...i've never been able to say that...so it really means a lot"

we kidded how we were married...we never fought...cept once over sword in the stone...only once....

i remember the one day he said he couldn't come over i was soo upset & i missed him more than i ever wanted to & i heard something hit my window...i looked down & there he was....i ran down & i hugged him so tight...i almost cried...

it was a movie....it was.....it was not just like a fairy tale...it was one...

he got depressed....his ex came back into the picture....& it was all over...in a snap...my picture of perfection was lost....

somewhat of an illusion i suppose...too good to last i suppose...

then like stacey....i was filled with fear....his ex was the boomerang...they even had a pet like bob...a pet i loved but i couldn't after i realized it was theirs....it was a denial...denial that he would always end up with her...that she was perfect for him...in my mind i tell myself they don't fit...hell even he says they don't...but something about time made him grow fond of her....cuz she's always been there...not in a better sort of way but simply because she was there...they aren't the perfect match...we all know this....but it doesn't mean their feelings for each other aren't genuine in anyway....

i was just there...a fork in the road...or maybe more like a turn where u-turns are allowed...

after my first real relationship....i had more doubts in my mind than i had ever wanted there to be...

i couldn't trust anymore....

i just couldn't....i wanted to....i would love more than anything to be as optimistic as i was then....but there is a difference between naive & optimistic...

don't get me wrong...like stacey said...after all i've been through...i still believe in happy endings...

but like she said again...
how does the girl fall into the rabbit hole into a world of chaos & come out the same?

she doesn't

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:24 AM PDT
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