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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 31 July 2004
just sitting here
at work...for the first time in 2 months...& yet ti seems like i've never left & there's this sense of comfort like when i go home for the first time after being away a long time...

this sense of belonging & sense of familiarity & unchanging constants...this job that i know i'm good at...w/ no questions...a nagging boss's husband...a japanese accented boss...manual labor...

& surprisingly i am not bothered whatsoever...i guess it's been a while since i've felt like i was needed...somewhere...& the extra cash isn't bad..in fact it goes towards my recent spurious spending on ebay:P

on another note...
a few moments ago...an asian boy..skinny..with glasses stood against the wall in the entranceway of the flower shop across the alley..i thought he was waiting..but then i realized he was crying...he stood there for a while...alone...
i furrowed my brow & more than anything i wanted to go ask if he was ok...i had to resist though..he did not seem like he was going to open up to a stranger..in fact he seemed like someone who would not even open up to people he calls friends...i did not risk it..i didn't want him to know i saw him in his fraility...but i sat at my computer checking on him from teh corner of my eye from time to time..wishing i could do something...wishing i was able to solve all problems..big or small...
i reminded myself as i always do when i am about to meddle/attempt to help someone...i can't save the world...i just can't...even if i wanted to..i didn't have the power & some simply wouldn't even let me...& this is when it almost gets me down a bit...how much i want to lend a hand when i don't even help myself...& NO ONE helps me...so...where does that leave me again?..in the same bind as i'm always in..this desire to better myself...to make myself happy...the hardest task in the world...(for everyone)...

then...
i had told chanda this once...
& i feel like such a bitch saying it sometimes because for a moment it seems like i'm totally egotistical..but if you understand my argument you will know that's not the case..hell..if you know me..you'll DEFINITELY know that i'm not like that...

cept for ken...every guy i've dated has some version of this line to me "you're too good for me," "how do i deserve to be with you," "you're perfect"...etc...it made me feel nice in the moment..but the aftermath is another question cuz we never end up together...is there something about me that gives off this air of perfection that is unreal? do i ward ppl off w/ that aura because they take it for real? & then this is the part that really scares me...is it this aura that they almost feel like i am something to be conquered & then left...as if capturing my attention means something...& what if they are giving me the chance to date them because they know i am what they need..but i am incapable of really holding them down...
like w/ a certain bf...his family absolutely adored me...& he knew they would...they treated me better than they treated him! haha...they were always complimenting everything i did/wore/was...i loved them back..they were so sweet & adorable..everytime i'd go to their house i'd eat with them as if i was already part of the family...i basically was...with his sister's bf there too..it was like a big feast every time i was there...you could see his mom sorta sit back & look at us all as if we were all already married...it was cute...
he had always liked me even though he didn't admit to himself or me til later on in our friendship...i know this wasn't entirely the case but what if...what if he was only liking me cuz he knew his family would like me...cuz i was "perfect" to them & him i suppose...but i was only theoretically perfect..but not perfect in practice...

granted..i know this is not fully the case cuz his ex goes to the same college i do...is asian...skinnier...what not...but they just don't get along w/ her that well...i think he did say they said i was prettier though hahah...not that that would even matter though...

but see..then there's another complication...when we having problems..& his ex started to come back into the picture...they pushed for me...i think they pushed hard for me...but at the same time they wanted to support him in whatever he chose to do...which is basically her...& then it was nothing..

even though it was sweet & dandy they pushed for me..i feared he would choose to be with me simply because of the pressure...the guilt...this "perfection" that ruled he SHOULD be attracted to me..but he just wasn't...& that was that...

i'm scared this false perfection will be the downfall of me...
ironic...since high school i have been trying to rid myself of the image of "sweet girl" (not that i'm not but i don't like being assumed i am..what if i don't feel like being her one day..then what..ppl will gasp & faint in shock when i do a selfish thing? gimme a break...no one is that perfect...& instead of freaking ppl out by stepping out an image i prefer to have none at all) anyways...i have been trying to rid myself of this image...& in that light i've been reestablishing another image...i guess almost this one of perfection & balance...which is now ironically something i question...

i remember reading this guy's random journal one time..he was actually my senior prom date but i wasn't that close to him...he wrote after his father's death...it was one of self discovery...he said that his friends & family all had a different image of him...& if they pieced it altogether it didn't quite make a full picture...
it was worded perfectly...in fact..i never really got a strong image vibe from him...he was a person of no images...although he made it seem like it was a bad thing...i guess it is in ways..cuz know one knows the real him because he never opens up enough..he opens up just the right amount for a person the get a glimpse & quickly shut...for fear of them fully understanding him...but at the same time..he has the perfect springboard for what i've always wanted...a no-image image...he could do anything & not suprise anyone..he had no boundaries...no set rules to live by....

i think my approach now has been to open up to everyone & anyone...i don't know if that's the way to go about it...but i think i still have that surprise factor...i guess cuz i do contradict myself...a martha stewarty type that likes motorcycles? cooking & engineering?...(now i'm picturing martha stewart on a bike *cringe* strange image) i can still remember the reaction sharmeen had when i was staring out the car window at the motorcycle lessons happening in the parking lot almost on the verge of drooling..i said "yea i want to take motorcycle lessssssooooonssss" & she was like "connie! this is a side of you i've never seen" it was sorta funny...but sorta reminded me..i know her from high school & that's why...

i'm so different towards ppl i know from high school & those i've met in college...i'm actually myself from the beginning w/ new friends...high school friends i revert back to a quiet submissive asian girl...

anyways..'nough of my boredom talking...i need to count money & be off to chandies for some greek salad & beef making...yay us

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 6:37 PM PDT
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