i had almost finished writing this shpeal when my comp froze & i lost it all:(
so i will try to remember what i said...
i skimmed my blog entries & i realized the recent ones have been more depressing than anything...
& i wanted to explain myself...i usually only start writing if there is something on my mind...& that usually is when i'm in a bad place...yielding many a sad entries...
the truth is....i'm in a better place now than i was say 6 months ago...
there are only two main causes of my stress now...
one will end in 1 week...the physics class i'm taking....don't get me wrong i will not bash the subject in anyway...it intrigues me...but there is a huge difference between being interested in & being good at....maybe it's the proof to myself that there are some things i will just never grasp....there are things i will not be able to master....& a set of ppl that think completely differently than myself...
second is the weight i've gained during finals...oh it's not one of those girly "i'm fat" deals....i've always said i was fat...even when i wasn't really...but this time it's different..i really am...i checked my bmi & everything....i think it threw me off a lot cuz i've been the same weight for 3 years now...& i guess i was starting to take it for granted...i have to rework for my body back again....
see....i'm a lot happier now cuz for once in my life i am in control again....
for the past 2 years...hell for all my life i've let others dictate my life...younger it was my parents...high school it was my high school image which was determined by everyone except me...& my first two years of college was controlled by boys...& for the past semester it was my bosses too....
it's so ironic....because i don't choose to do a lot of things because of my fear of loss of control...no drinking...no smoking...no drugs...no whoring myself out...i don't even like roller coasters which i think is cuz of the same reason...
yet...my whole life...i've let people control the single most important thing in my life....my happiness
i was watching this show called "weddings" (cuz my mom was complaining that i watched too much food network so i changed the channel) so there was one story about this "perfect" woman being left at the alter...she fell deep into depression but then made it out a better person...she is truly vibrant & happy now....she said something that was a shortened version of what i have been saying to chanda all along...."you can't expect someone to complete you, you have to be complete by yourself"...when this guy wanted me to be with him...i was in a bad place at the time...i was still recovering...he said he could make me happy. i said i couldn't my explanation being "i have come to a point in my life where i've realized i don't want people to define my happiness anymore...i want to find it on my own...& then maybe find someone who will add to it...but i want to be happy with myself by myself..." he responded "i look at you. you are so smart & you go to this great university. but then you say something incredibly stupid like that." i looked up at him, shook my head, and did not say a word knowing he would never understand. see...what he doesn't know is that i think i've found the secret map to happiness....it's so very very simple (not the path but the answer)...
if i continuing living the way i do....i will be like a blind man....with a cane i do not use....i reach out with my hand hoping for a nice person to take it & lead me where i want to go....sometimes the person will be right & take me there...others won't & they'll get me lost...making it even harder for me to find my way there because this new place will be unfamiliar...i would've been better trying to find the way myself....i will get where i want without getting sidetracked....i will not only feel better about myself because i made it there by myself...but there, i will be in a healthier & better state to find that special someone if i choose to...
it's no longer about other ppl...it's about me....all about me....to those that don't know me, i will sound like a bitch & that's fine...to those that know me, know this is my ultimate cure....
if i can do this...it will have proven that i can do anything...
i had this dream last night....(background info: i have a friend, let's call her mimi, that is very depressed right now, she used to be one of my closest friends...but i think she's shutting me out...as depressed people do...& i have no real power to do anything...): so i went into a very big pretty building & i went to the info desk...there was a line for pet related questions but i went to the general line...i was behind someone...another clerk was free but he was friends w/ the person behind me so they sparked a convo & i was thinking "that was rude" but then a black woman in the next window asked ifi needed help..i said "yes, i have a friend who is depressed & i'm not sure what to do" it occured to me that the lady might think i was referring to myself...& i thought to myself i hope she doesn't think so...she asked "do you know if she stole her xray picture" i furrowed my brow confused & answered "i don't think so.......(trailed off)" she said "well see sometimes depressed people are morbid & they steal their xray picture & put it in their room & scatter ashes around it" i said "i don't think mimi's like that" & she said "ok well i was just asking to make sure" & then we moved to another window & i asked "well what am i supposed to do to help her?" i don't remember what she said & i asked "do you think it could be a hormone imbalance?" & she chuckled & said "there's no such thing" & i said..."well the thing is i don't think it's something in particular though...cuz i've went thru the possibilities with her before" she said "ok" as she went to get some papers for me to fill out...then mrs. wyant walked behind the counter (mrs. wyant was my middle school music teacher...she is probably the only teacher i think i've truly disliked & disrespected because of the way she treated us...& just the way she was...) i tried to hide my face (i was a bit older than i am now i think) but she saw me anyways & she remembered my name she said "connie! hand me the stapler!" & i gave her a wth? look & in my mind i thought "i'm not your slave...who do you think i am" & then the dream ended....
i told chanda the gist of the dream & told her how bad i felt that i haven't talked to her in so long...
chanda said you shouldn't feel bad...if she wants to talk, she will come to you & right now you should be dealing with your own life....i knew she was right...(it's funny how chanda & i throw each other the same advice but at the time it's the right thing to say) chanda said..maybe the dream was trying to tell you to focus on you...i said...yea maybe if i overanalyze it...& that's exactly what i've done...haha....so...in the dream...i was focusing on mimi...i was getting irritated when someone "cut" in front of me cuz i felt my issue regarding a friend was more important...i was working hard to fix her problem...i had even thought to myself that i hope the lady doesn't think i'm talking about myself...i was completely putting myself in the background..as something insignificant in comparison...because in reality...i, too, am depressed...on the way to recovery of course but depressed nonetheless...i'm just really good at disguising it in real life if i choose to...which most of the time i do...anyways..back to the dream....mrs. wyant...maybe she was signifying someone i met in the course of my life that didn't fit my life...that didn't fit the role i needed them to be...& yet she was telling me what to do...i didn't like that but i said nothing...i was silent...so, basically, i was doing what i do best....catch all that are about to fall, spend all my time solving their problems & being there for them, hell maybe it gives me a boost cuz i seem to be good at it, but that's where i put all my energy, making sure everyone is ok, it leaves me to be forgotten....no one is really there to catch me if i fall....i have only me to depend on & even i'm not there....making each fall hard & longer to recover from...& for some reason the falls come in series usually...but see....i don't blame anyone but myself for trying so hard to be there for ppl...there are so many reasons why i'd do such a thing....1, i fear focusing on myself cuz that is much harder than helping anyone else...it's sensitive...it's fragile...i might even be scared of what i may find out about myself...2, i am giving into my loving to give side...3, i wish it would be reciprocated when needed...it is secretly what i yearn, someone would do for me so i do it for others...hoping someday the favor will be returned...4, i like drama in my life...i like always having something think/worry about...
haha..i just realized this is probably why all english teachers loved me & why it was my best subject in high school...i can take nothing much & find so much meaning & so much relevance in it...& then word it in a way that most people can see what i'm saying...& start to believe it....
good thing i don't use this for evil....good for you guys:P
my grammer in these entries on the other hand...
props to those that made it thru this entry...hell props to anyone that makes it thru any of my longer entries...you realize it is to weed most out:) so you're special..yay you (not sarcasm)