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C is for...candor
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Tuesday, 9 March 2004
spazzy furball
(he started running on the wrong side of the hamster wheel again like he did in the store)

"see? that's what he's good at & even though he was in a different place he still found it," said dominic.

"even though it took him a long time," i said.

"he found it in the end...."



dominic & i had that long conversation yet again...
about me finding my happiness & me honing in on what i'm good at...although i soaked it up...i was still skeptical & that's probably why we have this same conversation over & over again...

last night i was crying..& i couldn't really explain it...but i knew it was all the same things plus a few extra...

this new person i had befriended & i hung out for the first time on sunday night...we went to ranch 99 & we bought things to make soba noodle soup & my bbq pork mmmmm & other yummy things like mochi...we came home made it & watched food network & cartoon network...went to coldstone..made friends w/ the guy behind the counter who gave us a discount as a result...came back..(this is a little out of order) he taped to the wall the tomato chips label which he made me buy cuz the tomato dude on it was cute. anywho...all was fine...he sort of flipped out on me though & left abruptly...i didn't think much of it at the time..

the next day (yesterday) he told me "i was too good for him" & i said "i just want to be friends" & he said "even for that" & i didn't understand until he finally said "ok you want it straight up? the way you talk, the way you act, everything, even the way your hair falls reminds me of alicia" (alicia being his gf that had died) i asked him if it was because he was scared of being happy again...he said no...but then he said everytime i'm happy something bad happens & brings me down...which actually answers yes to my question...i said well maybe we can talk & not hang out so i don't really remind him of her...he started getting hostile but for some reason i wasn't letting go...i asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do because in the end it's up to him...he asked me what i wanted...i said if things were always up to me i would still be friends with everyone i was ever friends w/...but things never turn out that way...so he left the first time saying he didn't know...while he was away online i left a message saying "look what you did! now i'm always saying 'i'll stab you' to my friends because of you" & when he came back he simply said "so?" & i said "i'm just saying" & he said "so am i"...so i asked him if he was purposely trying to drive me away by being cold..he said maybe subconciously...& he proceeded to be mean to me so i said...i'm not going to stick around & just be abused by you...& he said "leave already" which i think hurt something inside...maybe it was deeper than just this...maybe it was how so many ppl just left me hanging...& a few cases i left them...but because i feared them leaving me first...but in the end it doesn't matter...either way leaves me with the same pain....i was leaving him as a friend but because he had already left & there was nothing i could do...like ken....yes i dumped him..but he had left emotionally already...he left me....anyways it triggered something in me & i started to cry (i was on the phone w/ dom the whole time) dom proceeded to comfort me & did not see why i was crying over something so little...at the time i wasn't sure either....

last night & then this morning i kept looking at his aways...i finally deleted his name from my buddy list cuz i felt that was healtiest for me...like i have erased so many others from my life...because they chose to leave....like i said if i had it my way...i'd still be friends w/ everyone...even ken..hell even yoshi....i don't like the thought of having someone completely change me but then not being present in my life now.......but anywho...i totally skipped class to study...& now i'm not studying...back to the books

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:47 AM PST
Updated: Tuesday, 9 March 2004 11:52 AM PST
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