Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
 
C is for...candor
« February 2004 »
S M T W T F S
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29
Entries by Topic
All topics  «
Blog Tools
Edit your Blog
Build a Blog
View Profile
You are not logged in. Log in
Monday, 16 February 2004
happiness is relative...
so yesterday was good until my own lie blew up in my face...

i went out to an early birthday lunch w/ my mom, bro, bro's gf, & dominic at some fancy shmancy restaurant...the food was great...the atmosphere was nice...then the conversation began...i had basically insinuated that dominic went to berkeley...& i won't go into that anymore...

i left the restaurant to hang out w/ dominic the rest of the day...because i wanted to...& because i knew what would become of my little white lie if i went home with my mom...she kept calling me the whole time & near the end she would call & just hang up...she had every right to be mad...but i feared this very mad & that's why i never told her the truth...though in reality i knew truth was always best...& i don't normally lie to my mom...& i'm even more truthful to other people (friends & the such) when i finally came home she began the yelling "do you realize what an embarrassing situation that was for us? & even more so for him! all because you didn't tell us the truth! i gave you so many chances to tell the truth...blah blah blah blah blah" she said some pretty bad things & i just went straight to my room i went under the covers & cried i yelled back a few times but nothing sunk into her head...i could barely breathe & when i talked it didn't make sense because i was crying so hard...i cried for at least an hour straight & i got so tired & so dead feeling i ended up falling asleep while crying...

i kept waking up...& when i finally decided to get up i had already cleared my head & decided to apologize...except..being a mom...she had already forgiven me in her head...& i know in the end she is a good mom...i have never really doubted that...i do get angry...we do "bump heads" a lot...but out of most mom/daughter relationships i've seen...i do see ours as being a better one...maybe it's cuz i can actually see where she's coming from...or maybe she can relate to me....i know in the end she just wants to look out for me...& doesn't want me to learn the hard way...but unfortunately...things don't make sense (at least in your heart) until you DO learn the hard way...

my brother just now wanted me to realize how lucky i was again....& i think i sometimes like to dwell in a depression state in their minds...i sort of refused...i knew in my head i was...but i said to him (being all typical rebellious teenager like aka childish): "well i'm not happy so what does it matter?" he got sort of frustrated with me & said "ok fine if you want to think of it that way & forget about all the people that care for you & sacrificed for you then so be it" & left...

during this whole exchange, i was reminded of my dream...it was a night i was over at dominic's & i had fallen asleep & i had a series of many dreams but the last one was most intriguing to me...

i sat at what i felt like was the bleachers overseeing the track in high school...i think we were watching a football game in the day time...there were people sitting on every row but there was a lot of space between people too...i sat with maheen & we were talking...i sat on the left & she on the right...to the left of me sat an old couple...the man sat on the right & the wife on the left...the man had a bunch of tubes stuck into him & was very weak looking but he had a permanent annoyed expression on his face..his wife seemed more emotionless than anything...for some reason he started yelling at me & maheen rudely (i don't remember what he said) & me & maheen turned to each other & were like whispering "what the hell? why's he being so rude!" & he turned to us again & started yelling more & i yelled back "there's no need to be so rude!" & then his wife shot me an angry look & said "he's dying! can't you just leave him alone! be nice!" & i said back "no! that's not an excuse to be so rude! happiness is relative...being rude to someone won't make anything better...if you were nicer maybe you'd be happier & you wouldn't be so angry at the world & so bitter that your life was ending" i could feel maheen nodding her head next to me...& then the dream ended...

i woke up & the first thing i thought to myself or maybe even said outloud was "hmm..." & i felt like i was trying to talk through to myself in my dream...trying to remind myself that there is no use in being so depressed or bitter or angry...in the end it's how i take it in & how i react to the things that have happened to me that make the difference...it's how i take what i have & work with it that is important...i can sit here...be depressed...but what does that do but muddle my brain with thoughts that are probably untrue about myself & other people...if i go out there & do something with myself...i will be happier...& when i do go...i won't be angry...i won't be bitter...but i'll be happy that i have lived...

i see myself being very different already...i have been going out there & doing things...& i was just telling dominic how i see myself right now as climbing one of those rock walls..with the rock steps...i'm climbing upward & i see the flag at the top yet it seems so far away still...it's a strenuous climb but i'm not just gonna let go...it's a long & hard & painful fall...that i might not have the power to survive...sometimes i see my foot slip or miss a step (that will last at most a day) & then i am back to climbing...i see the top...it is in view..i know i can reach it...it jsut takes time...it just takes a lot of inner strength...many supportive friends & family...& confidence in myself...


& i just need to remember...happiness is relative...it's how you WANT to look at a situation & there is no "right" or "wrong" way...



it will be a long & hard climb....

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:24 AM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 18 February 2004 8:55 PM PST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post

View Latest Entries