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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 14 February 2004
v-day
stupid bears & flowers at every corner...what is with the commercialization on a measly day of the year...i have an issue with this...christmas, yes, is also commercialized but to me it makes a little more sense...it's almost to remind you to remind those in your life you care about them...because people get so caught up in life that you forget to remind them you appreciate them...but for me valentine's is different..although i'd love to say that i really believe it is about friends too (which sometimes i think to myself: "oh it's love between friends too!") it seems it's only about friends when you aren't with a significant other... but my thoughts are...why should there be a day for lovers?...in my mind if you are together or so close to someone...either they should know already that you care or you remind them so on a regular basis...it doesn't take this day that is deemed by society...oh today is the day of love remember your significant other!...it's almost like saying "i love you" because you HAVE to...what is that? & how genuine is that? & you know what...someone always knowing you care doesn't take much...it doesn't even have to be saying "i love you"...actions are so much stronger than words..it could be a simple "how was your day?" & truly wanting to hear it...i remember a korean soap opera i watched in high school where the girl said to this guy that loved her, "i feel most loved when you ask 'Have you eaten?'" & he seemed confused so she continued to say "because it shows someone cares if i am healthy & well...if i am in a good state..." it may not be all romantic & mushy gushy..but in the end the pure fact that someone cares to ask & care as to what you have to say in response is enough...

so today...i spent the day w/ dominic...as friends...i enjoyed it...how could i have not, i always have fun when i'm in his company...he takes my mind off of things & when i just see him & hug him i always feel special & loved...he let me drive cuz he wants me to get used to the road again (i haven't driven in more than a year) & so i could start learning how to ride a motorcycle...i want to take my permit test w/ him in march...anyways...we headed for his friend's eric's house & then dominic, eric, their friend dean, & i headed to bill of fare for breakfast...it was yummy...mmm corned beef hash..but it was sort of almost made less enjoyable because of a heated debate about gays & then about raising kids the "right" way...i chose not to say a thing at all because 1, i didn't want to get heated up...especially because i'll have everything outlined in my head but nothing right will seem to come out of my mouth & then i'll just seem stupid...2, i almost felt it was a useless cause because he thought what he thunk:P & i will think what i think...no 10 minute convo would change that...anywho that was hardly part of the highlight of the day...we headed over to a place that sold motorcycles & i got to sit on some & drool inside my head as my mind raced about all the exciting things that would come of learning how to ride...the salesman said that for my height the only sports bike i could probably handle was the Kawasaki Ninja 250...i sat on it & pulled it upright i was still sorta tiptoing but i could definitely hold it up by myself & i got so excited cuz when i tried it w/ domimic's gsxr yesterday it wouldn't even budge haha...& that's completely ignoring the fact i couldn't really touch the ground...salesman said "you just weren't blessed with long legs or i should say you were blessed with short legs" haha...a bit offensive but i didn't care i was too excited to care...then, we headed to the humane society & looked at all the animals!:D we fell in love with a girl doggie..she was so attention wanting..if we tried to walk away after we petted her she'd bark...she was adorable...too bad i'm not really allowed to have pets in my apt & yea...ran more errands & we went home & i looked up ninja 250's online the prices ranged...most were around $2000...not bad i guess...i probably wouldn't "upgrade" it either since that is the only one where i can touch the ground haha..how sad...i think i'd fall in love with it anyways i'd be too attached...we watched zoolander...man my fave scene the gas station scene...nothing can beat that...& then we went to lion, fry's & then toga homeward i went...

i loved the day...i genuinely felt happy...

when i went into the house...i ruined the night for myself...i began to remember things...it has been exactly a year since i saw ken for the last time & i remember the night completely...it was perfect or so i thought at the time...& next week it will have been an exact year since we broke up...right before my birthday....it's a strange feeling to know that he is so happy without me in his life yet i know he has dramatically affected mine...he...with his "new" girlfriend....the sad thing is the only difference between their relationship & our relationship is that..she is ignorant of the fact of the things he's already done to her...all the lies...& the only reason he claims to love her is because he has sex with her & i never would've...but that little difference makes all the difference in the world...she isn't as keen...she doesn't see these things...he appreciates that & uses it to his advantage...& that in itself is enough..ken has trust issues too...he enjoys in not having to open up fully to anyone...i say fully because she may think they have a great open relationship just like i thought we did...but there is always a leeway for lies & deceit...i was almost going to make myself more depressed by taking out the present i made for him a year ago that took me like 3 months to make & i asked for back when we broke up...i didn't want him to have something that meant so much to me but nothing to him...but now...ken seems just a fictional character to me that i made up almost because i have so "overthunk" the past...i have been trying not to...i have been trying to see my life in "futures" & not the past & that's why i started a "my life's to do list" & i no longer think about the "issues" i had/have with other people...






what was even worse than this ken thing though was that i was reading up on people's lj's, among which is one of dominic's friends (this is a long complicated story i don't really want to go into unless you are dying to know in which case ask me sometime) so i read it & i thought he lied about something...i called & simply said "i don't appreciate being lied to" he was thoroughly confused as to what i was talking about because what i was "accusing" him of wasn't true...& i didn't know what to say...i said sorry...& that i didn't mean to blow up in your face but i just thought you lied & i didn't know how else to react...& this is why i felt like i ruined my own night...it wasn't the ken thing...but it was because i felt like i undid the fun we had during the day...so if you're reading this dominic...i know you get annoyed w/ me & my little outbursts like this..it's just hard...it's hard & i'm trying..you know that...i do trust you...it's just sometimes things lead me to believe otherwise & i question it..we both know our relationship is extremely open than most & i guess i take advantage of that sometimes (my asking questions:P)...plus you know once something is addressed i don't linger on it...i take your word for it...i DO trust you...you just have to trust that i do







my issue really is as i've said before...trust...i, in actuality, put a lot of trust into people as a whole...the only reason why i'd have a problem is because i have been proven over & over again...as a general rule, people aren't to be trusted...i know in reality that is not true & i put faith into people & i hope the theory won't be proved again...but many a times it is...& i lose a little bit of faith...but that's the great but also horrible thing about connie (as are many of my other traits..i am made up of opposites & that's why i am that much harder to "get")...i am resilient...when i fall...i fall hard...& don't think i'll ever forget (though as with the opposite thing, i can also block things out of my mind that i choose not to remember which usually are things that happen with close friends because i don't want to hold a grudge) but i am quick to get back up...the downside? i can make the same mistake over & over & over...& never learn quite right...

anywho...i went to play with my new digital camera (haha i feel like i always go do something else & i forget everything i was talking about maybe i'm more ADD than i thought...oy...chanda would love to agree with me) & i don't really feel the mood to continue that little shpeal...plus like with most of my thoughts i just sorta of ramble to myself & don't know where i'm headed...

on a happier side cuz i always like to think there is a happier side...i got mula from my grandma for new year's, christmas, & birthday combined..more money towards the kawawee fund! that's probably what i wanna call him (yes it's gonna be a he of course cuz i mean i am ridi...hmm i'm keeping this PG rated..oy tsk tsk connie ahh bad connie) but moving on...AND i got a digital camera! whee! & i'll be able to start taking pics of everything...maybe when i get my bigger memory stick i'll do a video of my walk to etcheverry hahaha there's sound too..you'll getta hear me giving you a tour of the school & see the big hills i getta walk everyday! yay!! my theory on why all the engineering buildings are on hilly northside is cuz they think we're all antisocial & lazy non-exercise getting nerds & they're making us get out into the open world instead of sitting in front of the computer like i am now!..how ironic...*ahem* anyways...


i hope everyone has a good 3-day weekend...hugs for all!

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 11:24 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 14 February 2004 11:16 PM PST
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