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C is for...candor
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Saturday, 7 February 2004
peeves
so...i will start w/ a real pet peeve & then go on to talk about this conversation with a friend...

haha being a nerd & super angry i even wrote about it when i was on the bart...
(bart=bay area rapid transit)

F*ing morons on the f*ing bart. some people, seriously. half the people on the bart will be standing & they'd do anything they can to take up the whole 2 seats...what? a germaphobe? the seats are probably nastier than the person that will sit next to you...antisocial? it's not like you & the person next to you has to have some amazing attraction or bond. you just happen to be using the same public transportation so have the courtesy to have the seat available..ok so maybe you like the aisle seat..well the offer the inside seat to someone else..or what your backpack REALLY reserves the right of a seat over someone else? or do you have some disorder where you HAVE to have your legs straight out on the seat to you?...

ok now onto things w/ more substance..or at least what of more substance to me...

so i was talking to my friend online...i met her recently & well i don't want to give away too much about her cuz i don't want her to think i'm slamming down her if she reads this...it's just something she said bothered me & i spent a little bit of time thinking about why it bothered me...not that what she said was horrible at all..it's just that it bothered me...

so we were talking about ourselves...for some reason...no i take that back not for some reason i know what reason...i started this semester being a lot more open about people...after a talk with dominic (thank you for that btw) & also after that new year's eve talk with david kang (thank you too) i've sorta stopped caring what others thought..or more importantly what i thought they thought...as a result i'm being more open about sharing things about myself...

so anywho we were talking & we found out how we were very similar...somehow the convo turned to horoscopes & then to the existance of fate...& she said she believed in it...while i said i believe something probably exists but at the same time i don't like the thought that i'm not in control of my life...as in the things i do don't matter because i'll end up the same way anyway...like oedipus...or many a greek myths...that fate is inevitable & unescapable...& she went on to say many a things among which was "i'm a fan of randomness the idea that random events happen & come together into a beautiful ending"...i repeated my view...then the old connie crept in telling me to stop & that she was annoyed w/ me being so stubborn so i just tried to make the situation "normal" again by saying i just have an issue w/ control...which i do...but not in a freakish sense...i tried to explain to her but it only made me realize more & more that it was unexplainable & that no one else but me would really understand what i was talking about...she ended up saying "it's ok you're one of those corporate people that needs things to go their way that's fine" i understood from her end..from what i've said there was no real way to truly get what i meant...but after that i got annoyed...i didn't really know why at that moment (i was at work) so on the walk home i rewound & realized...it had to do with my control issue again...i did not want to be a part of "those people" i didn't want to be labelled in anyway...& the fact that it was a group of people that had a negative connotation it pushed me to being annoyed with that fact...i've never wanted to be labelled & that in itself is a part of my "control issue" i never want to be expected to be a certain person...in high school...what can you expect..of couse i had a label...i was "the nice girl" not that i wasn't or that i didn't like that label...but the fact i had a label...bothered me...i was always nice..hell..most ppl are...i may be a little overly so but yea...the problem with having a label is that if you want to be someone different you can't & ppl don't accept you if you do change (that is if you are in the same environment & that's why going off to college is a great way to redefine yourself & readjust yourself so you getta be what you want to be & get a "label" you want or even better...live without a label) anywho...after a while..things lose meaning under a label...you forget why you were that way..like what if i wanted to be a bitch once in a while...i couldn't...i started defining myself BY that label instead of trying to get ppl to accept me as not being perfectly my label all the time...

this convo hit my "control issue" on another level as well...i have issues with trust..not without reason...i had earlier this week grouped the "trust category" under my "control issue"...because among the problems i have with trust is the fact that i don't trust people to accept me or see me as i truly am or how i want them to see me...i don't trust them to pass judgement on me cuz as many who know me (non-high school friends) instantly say things like "you're super complicated" "i can't get you" & the such...but on the other hand maybe it's not trust...but it's a defensive reflex...i don't want ppl thinking things about me without really knowing me...there are probably only two people that i will accept their judgement of me because they really do know me if not understand me...will not name but they know who they are...haha...maybe i'll take my boss ppl's views of me too...they constantly say things like "you have a god-given genius intelligence" "you are a beautiful young woman" "your maturity level is at a 30 yr old's level & that is great...you're so quick...in the world nowadays you need that otherwise you will get stepped on" hahaha only cuz of those compliments i will accept their opinion of me too..jk :T they're biased...i do so much crap for them & i actually GET the system...oy...but that's a whole 'nother entry (haha i sound like alton brown..that's for diana who's probably the only other food network junkie that reads this) the point was...i get antsy when people pass judgement on me when they don't really know me...HAHA which reminds me one of the most common jerry springer comebacks from the lame people on stage are "whatever! you dunno me! you dunno me" with his/her hands fanned open & patting his/her chest...but see...although it's overused..it's true...you don't know their past...their experiences...their pain (though i do believe they're actors/actresses)

ok i totally left for like hours & now i'm back & i dunno where i was...

well i will leave it at that...but while reading this entry again..i remembered i also thought: "...a beautiful ending"...& i don't remember if it's from a movie or someone said this to me but he said "sometimes a bad thing is just that...a bad thing" don't always expect good to come of it...in ways it sets you up for disappointment...that whole deal about being optimistic vs. pessimistic..anywho i'm not really one to say much cuz i'm pretty much both...but you get the point...

"To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:54 PM PST
Updated: Saturday, 7 February 2004 10:09 PM PST
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