i find myself here once again.
I have this yucky feeling that I just can't shake. It's not really depression. It's just complete frustration and confusion.
I blamed him this morning for never changing his schedule for me. Sometimes I just feel like I am low on the priority list. I really wanted him to go to the holiday party, but of course his schedule is first & off to Australia he will go.
He said I was being insecure. & he said I always wanted him to go places. But, I said that he would never actually go to Seattle to visit me because he doesn't want to go to Seattle. He says "Why would I do something I don't want to do?" I say because it doesn't matter what we do, but the fact that we're spending time together! E.g., it's not like I wanted to clean his apt for 3 hours, but I didn't mind it because I just wanted to spend time with him.
He claims that this is stemming from my not having friends here and that's not his problem. Maybe. But, in the end, it really isn't. I'm not saying I want to be with him every waking moment of my life. In fact, I don't. I just want him to be there for the important parts and I don't get that. I know I'm being a bit unfair because I'm using this example as an indicator of how he feels about me and as he pointed out "It's not just me, there are ther people's schedules involved with this trip."
The reason for my underlying uncomfortable-ness with this situation is not the actual situation, but my constant realization that Pierre was completely right about me.
He said to me once: You always think you're right (in terms of how people should act) and people that deviate from that are wrong. I remember getting so annoyed when he said that to me because it made me sound horrible.
I have slowly come to realize that he if right. It's not really about being stubborn or a bitch or that I force my opinion on others or that I'm not open minded. It's really about my constant disappointment in others. Their thoughts, actions, and the things they say.
I always say and do in the way that I believe is right. Morally. Or whatever will make all people involved the happiest or the most comfortable. In a strange way, I guess I am rather set in my ways for certain things.
When people deviate from what I believe is "right" I lose a little respect. I lose a little trust. & I just get disappointed.
This can involve small things like not calling me back in an appropriate amount of time or just being available the way I am for all my good friends.
My frustration was with myself & how I didn't know how I was going to try to overcome this. It is so much a part of me. To do what's right and to expect the best of others in return.
Granted, there is a fine line between just letting that go and getting stepped all over (or never expecting anything in return, which I sometimes do anyways).
Chris' advice to me was to acknowledge that I was doing that to myself & just hold off when appropriate. Which makes the most sense. But, it will always be different in practice...We shall see.