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C is for...candor
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Wednesday, 15 February 2006
water
ok so i'm not obsessed about horoscopes or anything, but sometimes i do find truth in them

i am every bit like my pisces profile

& like fish i have a strong affinity to water

in recent days i find myself escaping to another place when i'm in my shower

i wash myself clean of the days occurences & thoughts

& my mind is truly clear

& unfortunately it is a sad sad version of me

i've been pretty apathetic to everything around me

but in there i realize that i'm really not...i really do care & i'm really hurting inside

i just spent 45 minutes in the shower just standing there occasionally leaning against the tile wall to cry

i stood there until my skin was red from the hot water & my fingers & toes were wrinkly

last time i said to myself, i don't feel so badly when i cry in the shower because i feel like i'm just trying to blend in...

i don't feel the warmth of my tears rolling down my face & it's ok

i realized that everytime i go through something painful sometimes it's not really the something but the fact that i find myself alone & that my friends aren't there to support me & maybe they're right maybe i don't open up enough but why i hesitate to open up is because it has never gotten much of a result/response...& i know i shouldn't be so demanding perhaps & maybe i just want people to act like i do which i seem to deem as right...i just want my friends to be there when i need them & in reality they never really are there for me like i am for them & that is an ongoing problem for me...maybe i just give to much or maybe i just demand too much...i guess in the end it doesn't really matter

as i stood there with the water making my fingers wrinkle i wondered if i really would be standing there all my life washing away the pain & sorrow by myself everytime, growing old

& i guess i don't know

......

i was watching the end of sex in the city & carrie brought up with her bf that the relationship wasn't working...but while sitting in jury duty she realized that she wasn't ready to break up & that night he arrived at the door with flowers & said "i know our relationship isn't going well, but i'm willing to work on it" she hugged him, incredibly happy...the next morning she woke up to an empty bed & on her computer was a post it that said "i just can't do it--don't hate me." she hit the flower vase which scattered everything onto the floor & the episode ended

i felt her pain.

......

everytime things get like this is remember this quote i marked when i read it summer of freshman year in english class from "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway:

"It was awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing."

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:21 AM PST
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