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C is for...candor
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Tuesday, 1 November 2005
fine line
i have had an ongoing draft of an entry for about a month now...i will still write about those topics & post it later...

i have something random that i need/want to post now...

.........

between staying fit and anerexia. i am realizing more & more how my love of food saves me from myself...

I tell pierre things that i think but outloud & i never realized how insane they are sometimes...what i mean is the emphasis i place on my image of myself & how obsessed i am with my weight...pierre even tells me about this anerexic girl at his sessions & how insane & unreasonable she is & that she's crazy to imply that my thought process is flawed....i sit around knowing that i'm stupid for thinking the way i do cuz i probably have a fitter body than a lot of the ppl that bare their body freely & confidently...i can see my muscles & i know that i'm not overweight...but i constantly think i am...the first thing i do every morning when i wake up is stare at my body in the mirror...not my face but my body & i weigh myself & i freak out at a tiny change in my weight...i plan my eating plan for the day based on that number i see...granted i normally don't follow it since i'm so obsessed with food thank gawd...but it scares me to think...what if i wasn't...

.........

between masochism & the quest for truth. i used to think that the truth would set me free. i wanted to know the truth no matter how much it hurt how much it affected my life & how unnecessary that pain was.

last night i realized that i am not a masochist anymore...things that will hurt me i do not want to know...

i left not knowing. maybe i should've stayed to find out so i could ruin my idealization but i just didn't want to know. my stomach was turning & i instantly felt shitty. i had to go. all my dreams last night were regarding this & finding out. after i woke up early in the morning i couldn't go back to sleep because i was half asleep & debating how i'd react the next day & all the things i needed to do.

.........

between sanity and breakdown. i have been tiptoing on this thin thin border for the past few weeks. i think about all the things i need to do & i flip out. quite literally. i need to actively calm myself down & continue.

.........

i sound like i'm going insane. as pierre would point out i'd say: "greeeeat"

on daylight savings day: pierre said, "I wish everyday had 25 hours & then everyday would be like daylight savings day!"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:03 AM PST
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