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C is for...candor
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Monday, 13 June 2005
battling images
everyday people have to shield thmselves from images...

yea i guess this works for stereotypes too...
but that's not really my intention...the images i'm talking about are those that certain people impose on you even after knowing you...

i guess for me...it started particularly early

all though about middle school & definitely all through high school my image was simply & purely: the nice girl

no matter what people threw at me...that was what i was...

it all started innocently enough

being nice was my nature (& when i say nice...i MEAN nice...overly nice...you couldn't hate me if you tried...but it wasn't a fake nice..it was very sincere at least at first) i would make people things & make them feel special. hell you could even tell from my yearbook messages that was the image i had & then came the catch

it was a good image to have..i'm not complaining i'd rather be known as nice than as most other things people dream up in high school

it was an image i had to uphold for myself now that it was established...if i deviated it would draw negative attention & it'd spread like wildfire (ah the greatness of high school)

in this battle i let it win

it took over me...it messed me up...it often left me upset/sad because niceness leads to eventual screw-over of myself

let's just say there is a fine line between being nice & being used

of course, i haven't really gotten over this niceness thing because i enjoy being nicer than the average bear but it's been better nowadays

then..there are the parents

images they set for you at higher than you'd probably set for yourself

or maybe it's not even that they are higher but simply that they are constantly there to enforce this image upon you

the pressure of both academic & physical success were my greatest image barriers

i knew i was capable of fitting the academic image...& i tried...but probably not as hard as if i had pushed myself to do it because i truly wanted it...i turned out alright i suppose

i remember when my brother went through a phase of being obsessed with the letter A...no joke...the mention of any other letter was cause havoc in his world...it was his goal embedded in his mind...but i guess unlike him i never made this a huge personal goal...but that is the impact our parents have on us...yea people say it's for our own good but so is our sanity

then there is the image that i talk about often...that physical image...one of a skinny asian girl that probably ate a carrot stick a day

but i talk of that battle too often...

that battle was probably the longest one of my life...it's still not fully clear if it is over & who has won

then there is the image that has sparked this whole entry (to a person who knows who he/she is...please don't see this as an attack or paranoia it has no effect on my feelings whatsoever & i hope it won't effect yours either...it's purely an internal battle)

in each of my relationships or even crushes sans the one w/ adam..i have had to live up to an image that i could NEVER defeat at least in my mind

ken
he had his typical obsessions (natalie portman & zhang ziyi) which are fine for me now but bothered me back then & as i told erick one time "it just bothers me cuz if it were a real person i could probably beat them up in a cat fight or talk crap about then but it's an unreachable person for both of us & in reality neither of us really know her & therefore she is an image of perfection"

but more applicable to me was this girl...let's give her the name of tracy...tracy had rejected him back in the day...she was not all that cute...she was all around very regular....(not to take away from her any good qualities)

i know some guys are all about the chase..it gets your heart pumping & adrenaline rushing & they get a kick out of the uncertainty of it all

i know in his mind...simply because he did not have a chance to see what it'd be like..he had already idealized tracy inside his head...how great it would be to be with her...how wonderful she was & how much prettier she seemed because she was now a forbidden fruit...

the reality of me (how i was & how i acted) could never compare to that of a perfect woman inside his brain & it really hurt sometimes...

cuz everyone has flaws & the fact that he never got to see what she'd be like in a relationship he never got to see those flaws

& i remember at the time it made me wonder if she came knocking if he would've just left in a heartbeat

i guess in the end it was all inside my head this battle i played out if i ever felt insecure but the truth of it is that he fed into it...he'd tell me things that would only make this battle more & more real...it was a sketch that grew into a full blown piece of artwork

dominic
with dominic things were fine at first...then his issues started to emerge...it was no so much the issues that got me but how he chose to deal with them...with him this image "problem" was even more painful because it was such a contrast....the beginning was beautiful it was out of a movie....& maybe it was just too perfect to last...the end...it was like when you stand at the platform & you see the lights of the train coming...you see the sign flashing the announcement of the train's approach & yet you step right onto the tracks & get hit with a powerful impact

image this time around was about an ex gf this was tougher because the absense of her made him forget anything bad that might've happened...romanticizing her to the point of perfection...& the blending of this with an emotional attachment & the issues he was dealing with basically made her seem like a goddess in comparison to me who was on the front lines of this war with his issues all cut up & dirty...trying to solve the problems with an open heart, listening ear, and tissue in hand...it just wasn't pretty....

hearing about this imagery of her from him was even less pretty...for me

& in this battle...she won...

i let the images of her overcome me

even in retrospect though...i don't see myself having handled it any other way...when he'd go see her he'd put on a happy face & at night he'd call me & i'd spend time with him til the wee hours of the morning comforting him & trying to be positive as he told me dark dark things..i was backstage & she was the audience...i don't see how else i could've dealt with it at the time...

& now i see myself...completely overcome with happiness but a tinge of jealousy changes me

i try not to act differently towards the other person but the thing is it's an internal battle & nothing that person says or does will change how i feel...

i didn't used to be this way

but my past experiences have taught me to fear certain things...& this is one of them

i hate how something so stupid can control me...& the reason why it hate it so much is because i know it is nothing more than my own insecurities...i guess in a way though it's not just insecurities but the desire to be special...i want to think that i'm the only one that can make someone feel a certain way & with some image lingering over me that I could never match much less surpass hurts me..it makes me feel like i'm really not all that unique...but i guess in the end that IS insecurity..because if i was fully confident i wouldn't even question the fact that i make that person feel special & that is why they are with me...but then the devil's advocate connie would say...well maybe you're the backup...you're that rebound because he can't have that image of perfection...but i don't want to be that negative...i haven't been that negative in so long...& the thought of these things makes my heart jump with fright (literally)...i refuse to have those thoughts invade my mind...but see in the past these thoughts have always been fairly accurate...but i guess each situation is different...& right now...this feel just right...i need to stop questioning things & i need to let go so i can be happy in any situation i may find myself in...i apologize for those that have to deal with me & the bitter things i say in the aftermath of a battle....it can be tough

it is a fight to the death...only one may survive...

either this concept of a perfect image that no one could ever live up to or your sanity/happiness

in the end, it's your call

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:24 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 13 June 2005 4:41 PM PDT
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