The Big J Files
March 19, 2004

For the past week I’ve been doing an ongoing investigation on my dormmate whom shall be known as Big J. I wanted to be able to show you a picture of her, but my spies weren’t able to capture any. Instead I will give you this description: She is indeed “big” at a very hefty weight. Her straight hair is dark brown, cut below the ears. Its always a mess. I’ve seen her style it.

To get the Big J look, do as follows:
1.) Take a quickass shower.
2.) Blowdry your hair even quicker. The following must be done in about 5 seconds: Flip your head over. Don’t use a brush. Use your fingers to tousle. Turn off blow dryer, and leave your hair in that state of unstyled bedhead (Not to be confused with actual bedhead hair, in which it looks like you just woke up on a movie--styled to be perfectly messy). Put your glasses that have been duct-taped back on.

In her natural habitat, Big J is seen wearing a spaghetti strap tank top, or “camisole”, with a built in bra. And some sort of black stretch pants. She enjoys lounging on the couch, sans socks as so her foot odor can permeate the entire dorm. One occasion she was seen taking her socks off in the kitchen and placing them on the counter as she made margaritas--touching the ice with her contaminated hands. I know this, as I was trying to prepare some spaghetti and chopping garlic at the time. The stink of her feet competed with the garlic and won.

Big J also enjoys chatting on the internet. I haven’t seen her do this, I’ve only too easily heard the BRRRIIIINGG!! of Yahoo! Messenger or the BELLOOMMM!!! of AIM at the highest volume her computer can go from my bedroom which is 3 down from hers.

We at the headquarters are considering that she is hard of hearing, since her alarm clock is also set to it’s loudest setting. It is loud enough to wake up us all--including the person a floor below hers (who has personally complained), but not loud enough to wake herself up. She will sleep through the buzzer for 5 minutes. Then eventually get up only to hit sleep so that the process can be repeated.

My comrade Ash once was so desperate to get some sleep that while the buzzer was going off she called Big J’s cell phone under a private number and hung up. It did the trick.

To communicate herself, Big J likes to talk loudly into her cell phone in the living room so all can know that a condom got stuck down into her vagina and her sex mate had to go fishing. In recent matters concerning life in the dorm, she has been using notes as the way to express her desires.

Exhibit A:

This note was found much to our puzzlement. For none of us had, nor wanted to use her dishes. It later turned up that it was Ash’s friend who had used her cup.

Exhibit B:

This note is aimed primarily at Ash, as it was her who once used a tiny frying pan of hers, and left it dirty for a day or so.

There was also a note recently placed on the front door reading, “Someone needs to get some toilet paper!!!” We were not quite out of toilet paper at the time of posting. And furthermore, we have eyes and like to wipe. We know when the toilet paper is running low and do not need to be told, especially by someone who still owes last month’s cable bill.

Exhibit C:

This is by far the most hostile note, and clearly a snapping point for Big J. From Exhibit A to Exhibit C we can see a downward progression of polietness. Exhibit A uses the word “please”. Exhibit B has nonesuch courtesies. In the toilet paper announcement she underlined her words and used exclamation points to emphasize her rage. And in Exhibit C the word FUCK was brought into use.

It turns out that again Ash was to blame, only she hadn’t meant to eat the four-for-a-dollar Banquet Pot Pie. Ash had mistaken it for her own potpie. Much drama ensued when Big J got a telling off of all time from Ash (who is black and has the attitude to match). But that wasn’t all, my other dormmates “DD” told Big J off in high fashion the next day. From pressing my ear against my bedroom door I could hear Big J apologized over and over. She claims she was hungover and mad over the time Ash used her pan over a month ago. We don’t write hostile notes in this family is the lesson Big J learned.

The use of "fuck" was uncalled for. I mean, we are just talking about a potpie and toiletpaper here, right? Get a "fucking" grip.

Living Quarters:

She lives in this state at all times. The room is rarely cleaned. If it is, then it is immediately dirtied the next day.

That is all the filed information we have on Big J at the moment. More as our investigation progresses.

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