The Contents: ARCHIVES
The Contents: ARCHIVES
1/21/06
That's actually a phrase that one of my mother's friends used to say, except for the fact that you can't imagine how funny
it was coming out of his mouth, because of the voice that he used. Anyway...is this thing on? The last time that I posted,
I was reading some other blogs, and people were bitching like there was no tomorrow! All of the rants that I read were
about the changes that had just taken place on TBlog. I was wondering what all of the whooping and hollering was about,
and then I figured it out. Evidentally, there were still some bugs in the system. Bugs which had to do with the archives.
MY archives. My precious past! lol I have used just about all of the website providers/ blogging services available, and
have lost alot of archives because of it. Mostly because I was too lazy in the past to make copies, or when I did make a
copy, and put it on disk, the disk would have errors, and so on. So, now, when something happens to my archives, it's not
pretty. You know, I would still love to put all of the archives that I do still have, up on TBlog. I wish that I could get
them all archived properly into the system though. Instead of having them listed under the date that I typed them into
TBlog, I'd like to have them listed under the date that I acutally composed them. I guess that's an impossibility. Oh well.
Maybe I'll set something up on GeoShitties, and link it in. I need a rescent pic on here too. The one that I have posted is
much too old, and my hair is completely different now. I'm sure that no one cares all that much though. Anyway, I'm off to
play a game. So long!
1/15/06
This past Friday was awesome. Friday The 13th is always my luckiest day of the year. I got out of work early, along with my
best friend, Nicole. We decided to go back to her place, so that she could grab her wallet, and over to my place so that I
could do the same. We decided that since we left right before lunch that we should stop and grab a bite. This turned out to
be the worst idea we'd ever had. Both of us got sicker than dogs, thankyouverymuch local stop and shop roller grill! We
both got the partially regurgitated cheeze type sloppin' sauce. She got more of it than I did, and got sicker because of
it. I'm still pretty sure that it was the "cheese". I wonder if it's even dairy at all. It has to be somekind of mutant
lactose product. Most likely containing the sickest of foreign substances that should never come close to your face, let
alone into your mouth. I digress, the trip was sucessful though. I purchased a new pallete, and three new canvas boards,
both of which, I was in dire need. I seem to be in a stage of transformation. From supressed and terminally groggy to
happy, lean and mean working and cleaning machine. Huzzah! Well, I beleive that it's time for my shower, so I must go. P.S.
Anyone notice these nifty new layouts available? I loved this one as soon as I laid eyes on it. Peachy keen!
12/29/05
It must be a blue moon again, because...here's a spankin' new entry! : ) Lately, my life has been fraught with laziness.
I really don't want to be that lazy sack of shit that I fear becoming. I want to be energetic, and bubbly, and whatnot.
Alas, I guess vacation doesn't hold any of those splendors. lol
I have a Betta, and his name is Fred. He has a great personality, but he's always sick. I've been getting tired of taking
care of him, because it's just so much hassle. Again, I must remind you that a Betta isn't hard to take care of.
They're really great pets, very low maintanance, but he always seems to have a case of rot. No matter what I do for the
little twerp, he's always rotting away. : ( He's getting a little better now that I switched his tank twice, and his
rocks twice, and took away his plant. I feel bad though, because he loved that plant, and it's not his fault that it's
most likely the cause for his rot. I think that the paint on the plant is chipping off, and poisoning the water. Poor
little guy. Last night I decided to finally delve into oil paints. I've been working with Acrylics for a while now, but
they're getting boring. I like them well enough, but I felt like trying a new bag. So, I broke out my oil painting
supplies, and
I commenced a painting. It's beautiful. Simply awesome. Oils are just a great medium, and oodles of fun to play with. I
have this abstract going of a girl in a very large feathered shrug. Very pretty. I'm working with orange, purple and red
to signify the passion that she feels for her personal freedom, represented by the feathers. It's coming along quite
nicely. I painted thismorning for about 20 minutes, and it felt like five. My love for painting is growing by the day.
I have my own studio, which is awesome within itself, but now it's really coming together. That makes it so much more
pleasant to paint, or make jewlery, or whatever crafty little venture I may be taking on at any point and time.
Well, I have to go get ready to leave. I have to pick up my paycheck, and run some errands. If you're an artist, and have
an urge to try a new medium, but aren't sure how it will turn out...please, just try it. You don't know how pleasantly
surprised you may be! : )
11/25/05
Today was Black Friday. I had planned in advance to not attend the festivities. I was going to stay home, and enjoy my
day. I realized mid- day yesterday that I would have to go out and at least get my paycheck cashed. So, I went to the
bank. We proceeded to get a small ammount of groceries to supplement the Thanksgiving leftovers. I was thinking about the
fact that I wanted to get my mom and I a sewing machine to share for our Christmas present. Well...I went and did
something very stupid. I decided to just "check and see" if maybe they took a few bucks off of the machine. We proceeded
to Walmart. They took ten bucks off of it, so I bought it. The shitty part about the whole thing is that they had one in
the circular for 55.00, and mine was down from 88.00 to 78.00. The one in the circular was only a 17 stitch, but I could
have dealt with that. The one that we ended up with is a 25 stitch. I don't have any fabric at the moment, but I'll have
to pick some up next week. Thanksgiving was pretty good. Noreen came over, and stole my chair. That made me a little
mad, because all of my stuff was over there, and mom told her that she would have to move, and she wouldn't listen.
Whatever. She's annoying, but I guess she's alright. Anyway, I'm getting bored with all of this typing business. My
head is starting to hurt again, due to our stupid ass neighbors. They have something like a kettle drum up there.
Fucking idiots.
11/20/05
Why is it that I always ignore my projects? I really wanted to keep this one up to date, and post at least once a week.
It's actually a far cry from the one that I was working on a while back. It always started out the same way. I'd sign up
at a web host like Angelfire, for example, and I would work tirelessly on my template. I would get all of my old posts
together, and make a few new ones. Not even a week later, I would be tired of it. I refused to use things like this that
make the whole experiance so much easier...I'm just so far away from the person that I want to be. On top of all of my
many projects and such. But...with my life going the way that it is at the moment, I have to tell you my friend, there's
hope for everyone, because I'm well on my way!
11/06/05
Argh. It's been a while, yet again. There's still nothing going on. I'm
only about a week from my 21st birthday. I was
really excited about going out. I was just going to chill with my mom at a little pub type place, and hear some
traditional Irish music, eat some good grub, and get plastered! Well, my pap invited himself along, so I guess that
I'll have to behave myself. : / This birthday is going to suck just as much as the others. It's funny, because this
is supposed to be such a milestone, but I've been drinking since I can remember. I guess before we go the the pub, I'll
have mom stop at the state store, and I'll get a bottle of booze for later. My stomach has been killing me lately.
I don't know what the hell is going on. I really need to figure this one out. I hate going to the doctor, so...I won't
go. So HA! lol
9/18/05
Well, tomorrow morning, bright and early 7am I leave for Michigan. I'm just about packed, really freaked out, and hoping
for the best. The roomate has really been getting on my nerves, and her stupid little dog is stinking up my house. She's
really gotta go.
8/30/05
Speaking of good songs, I'm listening to some Linkin Park right now. One of my fav's. : ) There's not too much going on
right now, besides my random mood swings. lol It's not like one moment I'm kewl, and the next I'm blowing up. It usually
goes day by day. For example, yesterday, I was on the brink of crying at work just because I'm lonely. Today, I felt
great. Sometimes I feel like I need my meds, but at others, I'm all good. Even at my lowest points though, I don't feel
like going back on them. I feel like drinking, or smoking weed again though. lol That's only at the rough points. I
haven't touched that bottle of booze for at least three weeks. !!! I'm doing alright. Money has really been stressin'
me out though, and my mom's no help. The roomate issues are clearing up a little bit, but, she's still going to move. I
can't wait, because I'm going to turn her room into a craft room. : ) I'm going to do up the basement too. I really love
to make hand made paper, and the basement is the perfect place for it, I do beleive. I can't stop thinking about my ex's
lately. I wish that I could forget the both of them. Well...maybe not. Just forget all of the good times that we had
together. Then I wouldn't miss them so much. My one ex was really kewl (at one point). Before we met in person, he was
so much fun to talk to, and just such an awesome person. Then, we met face to face. He was even more than I thought that
he was when we were just online. That lasted for like...three months. lol He treated me like a queen, made me feel like
I was the shit. lol Then I started beleiving it, and that was crazy, because I've never felt good about myself. I guess
I just needed to know that someone loved me. Your family is different, because they kind of have to love you, but a
boyfriend can dump ya if he doesn't dig ya. I felt so loved, and cherished by him. It really pissed me off though,
because while he and I were taking a break from our online thing, I had started dating someone else. It had been like
three years! lol Well, no...let's see here. He and I were kind of a thing when I was 15. We were on and off all the
time. I guess there was like only a year there when he and I were completely incommunicato. So, from 15 to 16 we were on
and off, talking whatnot. Then, he kinda vanished, or we got pissed at eachother, and didn't talk for a while. Then, I
started playing online games all the time. Pogo isn't a dating service, people! You should never use it as
such. I was playing spades alot back then, and I met this guy that seemed really kewl. I was sooo lonely, so we
started chatting during a game. He was on the opposit team, but he was helping me out. He was just really nice. We
started talking about FL, because he loved it there. I told him that I had been there, this and that. We started chatting
outside of Pogo, and that led to a comment like K:hmm. J:What? K:I feel really weird. We have so much in common, it
seems like it's a sign, or something. Like, maybe we're supposed to be more than friends. J:I think so too. Can I have
your number? lol He was pretty kewl before he went to jail. He came here for a halloween party right before my 17th
birthday. I lost my virginity to him. He went back home for a while. He came back about 2 months later, and stayed for a
week or so. He went back home, and I think we broke up, or something. By that time, I was feeling a little bored with
him. I found myself missing "15". ....enough about my stupid love life. Err...lack thereof. I had a piece
of stationary with me today, and it had a big ass smiley face on it. I drew an afro
on it, and showed it to Jeff, and I said "Hey, check it out Jeff, it's you!" LMFAO!!! Hehehehe...today was good. : D I
have this connection with 15, and I'm getting this feeling that I always get when he's going to contact me. I wonder what
kind of bullshit story he's going to feed me this time. I miss those first few months...minus the bullshit from his ex.
He and I are never getting back together though. ...I just miss the good times sooooo much.
8/8/05
Oh my lord. What a week it turned out to be. (Speaking of last week) Things got to the point where I simply just boiled
over at the tiniest thing, and KA- BOOM! I did something really not kewl. I called my mom while I was on all of my breaks
at work, and proceeded to scream at her repeatedly. Thank god she knows me well enough to know that it was going to blow
over. It was so wrong of me to do that, I could have kicked my own ass. I should have found a better way to explain why I
was angry. Not what I did, which was explaining why I was angry in only one way, over and over. I knew that she didn't
get it. Instead of trying to explain in a different way, (eventhough, deep down I know that if I would have tried to find
a different way, I would have lost it even sooner.) Maybe that's what I should have done, and just let it happen. I
really think that it was PMS though.
On a different note...our roomate is really getting on my fucking nerves. She's always talking about how much of a clean
freak she is, but she doesn't help clean. She just likes to bitch, and make everyone feel guilty about not having the time
to do it. I told my mom how I felt about that, and she told me to not even worry about it. I told her that if she will
kick the roomate out, I will rent that room. I could really use a craft room. I really want to start my online business.
I make hemp jewlery, cross stitched framed art, hemp keychains, crocheted and cross stitched bookmarks, and handmade
paper. I just don't have the space for all of my creative pursuits. I would really love to get into doing some larger
macrame pieces, possibly some creative and or practical machine sewing, getting a start on my handmade paper lines (I have
about 5 great ideas for my paper, but...alas, it will require a new blender, and that bitchin' papermaking kit. lol) I'd
also like to try my hand at more crocheting, possibly some knitting, and some scrapbooking. I was thinking last night
about possibly getting into some mosaic garden accesories too. I have all of this artistic energy, but no space to...
spread it in... (?) Anyway...the plight of the artist in search of proper space. OH! Not to mention! I really need
some space where I can spread out all of my art, poetry and journals so that I can get my book in process. I found a few
nice pieces that I'd like to have in my bedroom in a catalog that I received today. There's a really awesome futon in
there, and it would look sublime with this color scheme.
8/2/05
Last week at work, they announced that we are setting up a line in one of our plants in Michigan. I really want to go.
They're taking volunteers! WOO! I see an adventure coming on! I hope that my mom will be able to find another sitter for
my bro and sis for a few weeks while I'm gone. If she can't, I think I'll find a sitter for her, because I really want to
do this. Expenses are all paid, and I will be paid from the time that I leave for MI, until the time that I return to PA,
because it's a business trip! Woo!
Otherwise, I am so bored. Bored, bored, bored. I finished some shopping for the sibs yesterday. They still need a few
more things before school starts though. My mom said this morning that she feels bad, and feels like a mooch, and she
wishes that she could do their school shopping. I told her that she's only a mooch if she asks for something, not if I
offer, and that she would feel worse if the kids didn't have anything new to start second grade with. As for the fact that
she wishes that she could do their shopping, she doesn't have the money to do it, so she can't. I think that she should be
happy that I'm doing it for her instead of complaining about everything. Besides, she wouldn't get them what they want to
wear anyway. My bro likes basketball type jersey sets without the numbers and stuff, and skater clothes. My sister is a
little fashion bug. She is such a little girly girl. She's getting the tomboy bug in her though. She wanted
Etnies and a camo bookbag. hehehe. I'm rubbing off on her I guess.
Well, anywhoo, I have things to get done.
7/29/05
Yes people, this will be, yet again, a bitchfest. I really love this blog. It's the first one that I've had in years that
takes away from all of this stress. My other ones just sit in a little corner of the web...just...wasting space.
I feel like a waste of space right now. I was feeling really awesome yesterday, and now today, I'm at the bottom of the
barrel again. Earlier today I was feeling alright, but things just started going down hill after work. The person that
drives me to and from work told me that she won't be in on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. That means that I will have to
find a ride. I didn't realize that she would be off so soon. She told me a week ago, and I was planning on asking someone
else to pick me up and drive me in. Things are always so crazy that I guess the exact date just slipped my mind. It
wouldn't be a problem if my mom's car was working. The brakes are shot. I think that our roomates daughter found out
where her mom is, and cut my mom's brake lines or something. This chick is a fuckin' psychopath. That's why her mom moved
out in the first place. Ah, I just don't know anymore. I don't even want to know anymore.
Alas...This place is a desolate wasteland of crap.
What do I have to do to fill this void?!?!!? Giving myself a new haircut helped for a day. It made me feel good about
myself. Now the joy has worn off, and I'm just this person that I don't know, yet again. I used to know myself, but now
I'm just so lost. I feel like I'm not even here anymore. I'm just a fucking shell. I'm a robot doing my family's dirty
work. After I had my huge bout of depression, I trained myself not to cry, because I was sick of crying all the time.
Now, when I feel like I need to cry, I can't do it. I'm seriously considering going back to smoking again, just to ease
some of the stress for a little while. Maybe I'll just do it until my situation gets better....though I know deep down
that smoking weed will only complicate things more, and make things worse. Damn.
7/26/05
I work first shift at an automotive plastics factory. A lot of talk has been going around that people are simply sick of
the practices, and they're thinking about quitting. I, on the other hand feel that my job offers adequate pay, and
benefits, and is pretty fair when it comes to business practices. On the other hand, I also work at home. I have a much
younger brother and sister. I babysit them for my mother, while she is at work, second shift. Sometimes she has the money
to pay me, sometimes she doesn't. Overall, I usually end up giving her money, because she's broke. She spends her money
on the stupidest things, and doesn't think about her "grown up" obligations. She has made me her "Financial Advisor".
Personally, I have perfect credit, and have three credit cards. Generally, I spend about 1,100.00 a month on whatever I
feel like buying. Usually, I end up spending alot of that money on my brother and sister. I don't want them to grow up
the way that I did. I grew up very poor. I was always overwweight as a child, and since I was so poor, my clothes never
fit. That means that I had the nasty beer belly look. Not fun for a young girl. I was always sad, never cared about
anything, and always felt horrible about myself. I don't want them to grow up that way, and if it were up to my mom, she
wouldn't mind them growing up like that at all. I try so hard to help them out, including my mom. I help her buy
groceries every week, and usually end up giving her money for cigarettes. It's a never ending lists of physical, mental
and monitary obligations. I am fully responsible for keeping the house livable, keeping laundry under control, the kids
under control...the works. Things have been this way since my sister was born. Things became worse when I got my first
"real" job. I ended up dropping out of highschool because someone needed to be at home with my sister while my mom worked
because she couldn't afford a real babysitter. I spent my childhood smothered. I wasn't allowed to do much of anything
but stay inside. After my sister was born, I had to stay in, and babysit. Soon after I had an episode on one of the days
that I actually went to school. I ended up on anti- depressants, and in an outpatient psych ward. Soon after this, I went
to live with my dad for about a year. He had a younger daughter also, and, again, I became caretaker. About three months
after I moved in with my dad, I met a girl named Karen. We became fast friends, and hang out together all the time. I
started smoking weed, shoplifting, and whatever. The shoplifting came to an end after I figured out why I did it. The weed
came to an end about one year ago. I am 20 years old, never wanted a commitment of any kind, no kids, no nothing. How did
I get myself into this mess? A better question I guess would be "Why was I forced into this situation?" I love my brother
and sister dearly, and I would't let anyone else babysit them, for the fear that some of my childhood traumas would happen
to them also. But, I feel that my life cannot truely begin until they are old enough to take care of themselves. What to
do, what to do? I have thought about moving out, and just leaving my mother to fend for herself, but that would honestly
throw me completely over the edge. I wouldn't be able to take all of the guilt. My horoscope keeps telling me that I have
to make some time for myself, but...time to do what? And how do I make this happen? ....Ah...the agony of thought. lol
Over the weekend, I got a horrible sunburn. Yesterday at work, a friend told me that wearing clothing over a burn can make
it peel. I decided that since today was supposed to be the hottest day of the year here in PA, that I would wear my short
shorts to work. Well...I have a little more than a bit of junk in the trunk, so midday, I was wondering if the short
shorts were such a good idea. lol While I was waiting for my ride this morning, I had a guy that I check out regularly,
checking me out, so that was confusing. Either he thought I looked really good in these shorts, really gross, or he was
simply shocked by the lime green color. lol
Today, I was talking to a guy on my line about confidence issues, because usually, I have very many. He said some things
that really made me think. He said that you should never lack confidence in yourself. He didn't give me a reason, but...
you know....I couldn't think of a reason why I should feel the way that I always do about myself. I always feel like I'm
just a worthless piece of shit. I have no reason to feel that way. I'm a really good person. I'm a kewl person, and I'm
damned nice too! lol He and I were also talking about relationships. He told me that everybody needs somebody, and that
I shouldn't
be afraid to ask people out. He says "This is 2005! Chicks shouldn't be afraid to ask a guy out. Maybe back in the day
that wasn't right, but today, you should just go up to a guy and say "Hey, I want you." LOLOL I can't even imagine
gathering the balls to do that.lol Well, I'm
going to go check out how much that Dyson vac costs.
7/24/05
I had to get away from my whole life today, there was no question that I had to get as far away from the norm as possible.
So, I went to my Grandmothers to go swimming...and actually had a good time. I feel Mercury in retrograde SO much right
now, and I'm trying to fight it, but...honestly, who can fight and win...A PLANET? lol This is what I was telling my mom
this morning. She didn't even laugh. I thought it was funny. lol
I just tried to call the home phone, to tell her that I want her to make dinner, and...duh Kelly, you're online, the call
won't get through! I have the Callwave thing goin' on here, and I decided that just for shits and giggles, I'd leave
myself a message. Since I'm...I don't know if the fact that I'm sitting right in front of the computer has anything to
do with it, but it made my voice echo, and it sounded really neat. So, I said a few more stupid things until I got too
bored. hehe
I have been spending all of my free time catering to everyone's business, when is it my turn to take care of my things?
I don't even have clean laundry for work tomorrow, or a sane thought in my head to keep me from going apeshit. lol So
perhaps over the next week, I will have some time to do some laundry, and introspection.
7/23/05
I really hate having to repeat myself. I had at least five paragraphs written in, and my stupid ass decides to use one of
those emoticons, and it cleared everything that I had. RAR. Damned Mercury. It will be in retrograde until the end of
August, which will be making my life even more miserably annoying, especially when it comes to communication. Wish me
luck....I've got a whole month of this to come. It makes me want to go to bed, and wake up in mid September. Why not the
beginning of September, you ask? Those planents can be sneaky. lol You never know what kind of loop they're going to
throw next. Anyway, I'm going to go now. I have a pounding headache, and I have been typing nothing but typos since I
started. Today wasn't kewl. Let's hope that tomorrow shapes up a bit.
7/21/05
Let me first explain the title that I've chosen. If you aren't curious as to why I am using such a name, you either know
exactly what I'm talking about without explanation, or you don't care...So let me explain! I need a blog in order to ...
purge this toxic ooze, or vomit from my head. I've been quite stressed lately, and have no one to talk to about it. SO!
I will proceed to type to myself! This makes sense, right? Of course, I hope that someone out there reads this. If not
to contact me, and be my friend, even to simply read and understand. Hell, read half of the title and decide that you're
going to turn tail, run, and judge me...I really don't care anymore.
So, now that I'm finished with that ramble... If you decide .... STOP RIGHT THERE! Something creepy just happened. You
see, I am in love with the occult. I read the Tarot about every other day. Well, yesterday I did a reading for myself,
and sat the cards aside. I had used about 5-7 cards out of the deck. The remainder of the deck was sitting about 12-15
inches away from the pulled cards. The main stack was nicely in oder, and sitting on top of the box, with the guide on
top. My little sister walked into my room, and asked for a snack. As she was talking, I accidentally ever so slightly
nudged the desk. The cards practically fanned themselves across my desk. I was instantly creeped out, and so was she.
I had an idea of which card to read, and then looked closer and realized that about 5 of the cards had a large portion
showing. So, I asked my sister which cards I should pull. She pointed to the same ones that I was thinking of, so I
decided to read those. Wow. That one was very accurate to say the least. The strange thing is...My aunt passed away
about two years ago, and I have never forgiven myself for not taking the opprotunity to get to know her while I had the
chance. Now, that she has passed on, I feel closer to her than ever, because I feel that she communicates with me with
little signs. For example, out of nowhere, while I was typing "I feel closer to her than ever" someone on the main road in
front of my house honked their horn. lol Last night, I think that she was trying to get a message through. I was
watching something on tv that I wasn't all that in to. During the credits, I started watching it. I saw the last name of
"Wright" (her last name by marriage) and a few seconds later, the phrase "Listen Closely" Apparently, that was the name
of the company that did the sound. Anyway, I take things such as that as messages. I was wondering what the hell it was
that she wanted me to listen closely to...maybe it was that reading. As I was typing that sentence, the lamp on my dresser
flickered. The lamp was the only thing that flickered, and that was the first time today that it did so. I have to wonder
about something though. This morning, I woke up, and saw something unusual. A Gypsy moth about the size of a half dollar
swooping around my "for sale" cabinet. (I sell on Amazon). This moth was actually kind of pretty. He was light brown
with black on the wings....rectangles as far as I recall, and...a dark brown body (?) He landed on the glass front of the
cabinet, and sat for a few mintes. I was thinking to myself "Damn, that's one calm, very large moth." For some reason,
for once, I actually felt like I was brave enough to get the fly swatter, and kill the bugger...unfortunately not awake
enough. I dispise bugs, especially those with wings. They're sneaky little fuckers. I'm not sure why they scare me so
much, but...they simply do. Now, I had just woken up, and it could have been, and most likely was simply a dream. What
leads me to beleive this the most was the fact that After he left the glass, he flew up to my light. At first I thought
"Oh shit, he's going to attack me, and then...I felt very calm, and figured "Oh well." This never happens! I always wig
out...like I did just a second ago. lol I felt something crawling on my arm, so I start shaking the hell out of my arm,
trying to get whatever it is to go away. It most likely was just my mind playing tricks. I get like that while talking
about or thinking about bugs. I feel them on me, which wigs me out even more. Anyway, While the moth was climbing on the
light, I realized that the light had only been on for a few seconds, and it shouldn't be throwing any heat yet, because
it's florescent. After that I'm not sure if I opened, or closed, and then opened my eyes, but I'm quite sure that there was
some eye movement. I can't recall if I looked up or not, but for some reason, I was sure that the moth had simply
dissipated into thin air. I need to grab my dream book, and see what the meaning of this symbol was. If it was a dream,
that is. I haven't seen the moth since, and the light has been on since I got home from work. Who knows...maybe the
bugger is sleeping. I think that I'll check on that right now. The only thing that I can find on the moth is that it
represents something that is causing unseen damage to something valuable. That's a noodle scratcher. I guess that I'll
keep that in mind for a week or two. If I see the moth again, I will know that it had no dream meaning. If not, I will
need to do a Tarot reading on it so that I can figure out exactly what the symbol was trying to tell me.
I apologize in advance for the suveer length of this entry. As I said in the title, I must let the vomit flow, and my
friend, this vomit is rancid, old, and explosive. All of a sudden, I feel quite exhausted. I feel a slight weight lifted,
which is a magnificent feeling. I have been looking to things such as temper tantrums, anger fits, drugs, and alcohol to
try to lift this weight of...everything. But, as I already had found from the past, none of these things are the answer.
I must purge my soul of the ....vomitus maximus. lol Look that phrase up on google... "vomitus maximus". You will find
the Vomitus Maximus Museum. It's a gallary of paintings and drawings of R.S. Connett. I have a soft spot in my heart for
his work. Check it out! I think I just may do the same myself. I haven't been there in a while, and I feel a need for...
a vomitorium for the soul. This artwork is just pure, primal anger, and all of the ugly emotions that people shove down
deep, because the're too gruesome to look in the face. Happy Veiwing!
5/29/05
So, I'm sitting here, wathcing Titanic, and I can't help but feel like a loser. I'm also sitting here feeling really bad
for the people that actually had to go through that. I can't even imagine having to suffer like that. Knowing that you're
going to die, and not being able to do anything about it. Now, it's different for a certain someone that I know. He
should have died long ago, because he's a scumbag. The people on the Titanic, shit, alot of them were simply innocent
children. They didn't do anything to deserve that. It's just so sad. I really want to get another Beta soon. I think
that I have a name ready for the little bastard too. I just have to go into Petco, and see which one I want. Hmm...Life
is sweet lately. I'm finally getting what I want out of my life again. My god, why the hell do I date? It just fucks
with everything. There's a really hot guy at work that I like to oogle at every chance I get, but, I don't think that I'll
be asking him out or anything. Damn, am I ever hungry for some Subway.
5/23/05
That lady at work is really getting to me. I've cussed her out about three times now, and she still keeps copping an
attitude with me. The next time that she does it, I'm going to treat her like an infant if that's what she wants to act
like. I received my long distance bill yesterday, and oh my god. My ex which was living with me, called all of these
people and got my long distance bill up to 300.00. I think that's why he left all of his shit here. My guess is that
he felt guilty for what he did, and decided to leave it all so that I could sell it to pay for the long distance bill.
At least I hope that's what he's expecting, because that's what's going to happen. I wrote him an email telling him to
never contact me again, not even over this. There are some things in my life that are going quite well right now. I will
get around to explaining those later. What's a web journal if not a bitch fest? ; )
5/17/05
My problem still hasn't been completely solved, due to the fact that the person that it has to do with seems to have
vanished into thin air. This is a confusing situation for me. I need to talk to them about the decisions that I've
made, though I really don't want to. So, should I be happy or worried that they seem to have dissapeared? I do care
about this person, but not in the way that I used to. Not in a way that would keep a relationship working properly.
I don't know what to think right now. Maybe I got my wish. On a different note, I work with a huge bitch, that seems
like she's trying to take my job. No matter, because I've been trained on so many different things at my company that
if she were to be better at my job, (which I highly doubt) they would just put me somewhere else. She's always looking
over my shoulder while I'm doing paperwork, which is annoying. She's always trying to act like she's "bad" or something.
This chick needs to chill her roll, and just be herself. The first few days that she was here, she was pretty nice, but
now she's trying to act like me, and worse. It's really getting on my nerves. Does she think that my position pays more
or something? The only reason that she would have to want to take my job would be to show me up. That's just plain wrong.
I finally figured out what her problem is with me. I'm only
20, she's old enough to be my mom, this is only my third job, my first doing this type of work, this is like her 50th job
of this type....I'm a line leader, and she...isn't. lol Stupid fruitcake lady...get your head out of your ass!
5/15/05
My morning started off by me feeling like it should be Monday, and nearly freaking out because I thought that I had missed
work. I came downstairs...into a literal bitchfest between my brother and sister. Ah, life! My head is beginning to
hurt. I can't wait until my life gets on track. I feel like myself again for the majority, but there's still one big
thing that I have to take care of before I can move on with things. Last night, I watched SNL for the first time in a
long while. It was nice being able to do what I wanted with my time. I always feel like I'm being kept under a thumb,
and that needs to change right now. I'm at the point that I don't even know what the hell free time is. When I have it,
I'm always doing something for someone else. I just want to be me again.
5/14/05
I've tried to go on to Deadjournal, which wouldn't work, and thought about other journal sites. I decided to simply do it
myself. These are my roots, anyway. Why take help if I don't need it? Of course, journal sites are more polished, but...
this is hardcore, gritty...what the hell am I talking about? What's gritty about a 20 year old bitching about their shitty
life on the internet? I'm using a laptop, for christ sake! I've rescently made a huge life path choice. All that's left
to do to accomplish this goal is to tell the person in which it involves. Peaches! I've started talking to Beana again.
I really missed talking to her,and I wish that she would come up for another visit. She said that she would enjoy that,
but we didnt' make any kind of plans. I went shopping today and ran into some very rude people. I wish that I would have
literally ran into them, then they wouldn't have pissed me off so much, because they would have had legitimate reasons to
bitch.
1/7/03
I’m officially starting the writing of my book. I really hope that I can produce something worth reading
((nervous laughs)) EEP! I hope that at least one or two people that end up reading it will like it.
Anyway, I’m on the path to literary success! Yeah!(?)
1/6/03
I got a letter from J today. The strange thing is that I have to wonder when he hasn’t sent me a letter, but it makes
me feel like shit after I read them. I think it’s at the point where talking to him at all is proving to be detrimental
to my psyche. I mean, I end up feeling really down on myself. I really think that I’m going to ask him 2 questions…what
was it that I did to deserve that…why did he have so little concern for my feelings? And also…was I the only person that
he could remember the address of, or what? Because I’d really love to know why he decided to write to me in the first
place, besides the fact that he has been guilty since the day that it happened. I don’t’ even know if I can believe him,
ya know? God. Why do things have to be so confusing. I think that I know what I’m going to do in the future though. I
think that all I want in a relationship is just that…and no sex…because I think that might have been what made everything
go downhill. I think…I don’t know…who knows. I’m really glad that it did go downhill though. I wish that it wouldn’t
have happened in that particular way, but I am glad that he and I aren’t together anymore. But, I think that I might want
to keep him as a friend. That way, I can still have the things with him that I liked…friendship. Someone to talk to…but,
when he and I get into the whole dating thing…it’s just bad news. It’s been like that with all of the guys that I’ve been
really serious about. …Maybe it’s just that I’m the bad news….LMFAO!!!! Oh lordy, that’s the most laughable thing….
HAHAHAA!!!!
1/5/03
“The nights are lonely, the days are so sad. I just keep thinkin’ about the love that we had. And I’m missin’ you…and
nobody knows it but me. How are things? You can ask my heart…like a jigsaw puzzle, it’s been torn all apart…and I’m
missin’ you…and nobody knows it but me.”
1/4/03
Mom won’t get up. I asked her to a few times now, and she won’t. I guess I’m not going out of the house this week either.
I really need my paycheck. I have bills and stuff, but she won’t go to the bank, so I can’t have my money. I really don’t
see how I’m supposed to save money for a car when she won’t pay me most of the time. I tried calling Derek, to see if maybe
he wanted to hang out or whatever, but I guess he doesn’t like me anymore either. I know that my dad doesn’t like
me…that’s a given from all of these years, so, I won’t try and call him. Pappy Pritz can’t drive anymore, Grandma
Brenneman would be busy. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. I feel so used. I’m going to cry again. …I am.
Deep breaths, and all that…Fuck it. I think I’m just going to get drunk, and high, and call it a day. ? Later this
day…That was around 3 or so. Maybe 2. Anyway, It made me forget about some things…but, it put in realization that I need
to do something for myself. I really need to keep saving for this car. It’s so close now….and I need to get my bills paid
off. It shouldn’t be long. I’m paying them all about
5.00 a week. I hope that will be alright with all of them. I do have a lot to pay. I can’t believe that I got myself so
deep into debt with mail order. I didn’t think it would be like that…I was just so blinded by greed I think. Shit.
::sigh::
1/3/03
The first incarnation of my last entry was a lot better than what is at the date for the first, but, the computer messed
everything up. It had something to do with the normal template, or something like that. Well, I wrote J another
letter, and I haven’t gotten one back yet. I have to wonder if maybe he read it and decided that he wants nothing to do
with me…lol maybe because I already know about him being a father…maybe not though. Maybe he’s trying to think of some
good lies to tell me this time. Or…maybe he just didn’t get around to writing. But, when you’re in prison, I doubt that
there’s anything better to do. Maybe he’s scared that he won’t have the right answers to my questions. Who knows…but, I
do know that I feel a little rejected by it in a way…I thought that he’d get right back to me…and he didn’t… : /
1/1/03
This GD computer is really getting on my nerves…It’s acting retarded… : /
12/14/02
It's been a while. I think that I already mentioned that the computer was out of commission for a while. Now, it's in my
room. Mom gave it to me for my birthday...really late birthday, but...anyway. lol it was still a really nice gesture. I
can't believe that this computer is mine now. whoa. hehehe :D this kicks so much ass. I just need to get back online.
lololol. I need a shower, and bad. I really need to get my whole diary online here...that would kick. :D :D :D I’ve
always wanted to have the whole thing on. not just some of it. I think that I might take a week off from writing, or
something, and edit this, and then add the stuff that's on paper. hmm...sounds like an idea. I’ve had a hankering to put
everything onto the computer lately. I don’t' know why that is though. It just has to be some kind of premonition of some
sort. I’m always having those. Anyway, my neck hurts. Gotta go. :P At least my wrists feel better now. I put one of
those buckwheat pillows under my wrists. yay :D ...And later that day.... :D It's about 11:51. I'm watching MAD TV. I
love this shit. :D hehe...anyway...Puddle of Mudd was just on there. Doing their song "She Hates Me" I used to love it,
but, now, it just gets too much airplay for me...it's like...damn, it's getting annoying now, ya know? gah...what ever.
:P I've been using a lot of those little
faces. :D:D:D:D:D:D I kinda like them more than I think that I should. hehe. whatever. I love TV. I’m sitting here
watching it, and thinking...wow, that's some quality programming (of "That 70's Show” and MAD TV) :) well...I think I'm
done on this for now. I've got other typing to get done. So...so long for now.
11/28/02
I’m listening to Ozzy. I was listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd. But, Buddy let me listen to his Ozzy CD. J I really like that
other version of War Pigs. It’s a lot…scarier than the one that they play on the radio. I have my entire diary on the
computer now. I’ve been wanting to get that done for a while now, but I just never had the time to do something so
involved. So, I’m thankful for that. :D Dinner was good. Mom did a good job, and I can’t say that I didn’t do good
peeling potatoes. Lol Anyway, I really miss my friend today. I don’t know what they’re up to right now. I hope they’re
having fun though. Shannon and I were talking last night, and we had a blast. Lol We talked for at least a total of
like…five hours or so. Heh. Just picking on people, talking about stupid shit. It was grand. Lol I’m trying to get
some of my poems published, so I’m working on getting those typed up today also. I hope that I have a good amount of time
to get that done, because I really would like to get all of them submitted to a bunch of different places. I really hope
that more of my stuff gets published than what already is. I had one thing published…from poetry.com. They suck! They’re
just a scam to get your money, that’s all they are. : / It makes me sad that a place would use the love for poetry to
lure people into wasting their money on a scam. I should report them to the BBB. Should, but most likely won’t. lol
I’ll see what I can do. Until then though, I need to type. So long!
11/27/02
I cleaned today. I'm working on getting some of
my poetry published. So, I've submitted about three so far.
I'll have to post them for everyone to see soon. I think that's
just about it for now. The house smells really nice. lol
11/26/02
I had to get up early to go get a turkey. Had to deposit
some money too. I'm so tired. I had a headache earlier...It
was a caffeine headache. Only had one cup of coffee today.
My mind is racing with fucked up stuff, like...why don't
things go right, and why do we always got to fight, and
why is everything wrong, and why does it never take long
before things fall apart, and why does it feel like
life imitates some kind of cruel art
where everyone is fucked up and abused
feels accused of shit they didn't do
and all we need now is some relationship glue
cause things just keep going' to shit,
there's nothing to do now, that's just ...
it.
11/25/02
I have to clean today. I wanted to talk to one
of my friends today, but they won't be on. Oh well. I guess
I should just keep my mind on cleaning. lol Well...I've got to jet!
11/24/02
I worked today. About 8 hours. Went to the
grocery store...and I think I saw almost everyone that I've ever
come into contact with. lol A friend of mine was looking like his brain
was about to go on overload. I guess working at a grocery
store during holiday season would really have the tendency
to get to ya. It was absolutely packed. Remind me to never
get groceries on a weekend. There were millions of people
just chillin' talking' to each other too. It was like...FUCK!
WOULD YOU MOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE?!?!!??! lololol
Ah, anyway...I didn't see A there, which is unusual. He's
always there, since he started eating only fresh fruits and veggies.
That's how he lost all that weight. I was so proud of him
when I first saw him. He was just so driven to look a certain way.
Which, seems to be working pretty well. He better not cut his hair
though, cause it's really long now, and it's awesome. I
chilled with mom and Buddy last night. We watched The Simpsons,
and King of The Hill. It was cool. :) Buddy was talking about when
his brother went to Amsterdam, and there were all of these bars there
where you could openly smoke weed. That reminded me of the
Cannabis Cup...So, I went to High Times, and I was reading about
it. I was telling Buddy everything I was reading (he's an old head)
and, ...I think that if my mom and he are still together by this time
next year...we will be vacationing in Amsterdam for the 16th annual
Cannabis Cup...and Buddy wants to get judges passes...MAHAYANA!
It'll be great. But, now, I don't know if I want to save for my lap top,
or save for my pot-cation. : D lol I think what I'll do is just put
the laptop on hold...cause, the trip is one of those majorly awesome
things...who'd want to pass that up? ::happy sigh:: : ) Let's see...
after that, I was talking to Trina about the whole thing...and it came
to me that...wouldn't it be cool to take a friend along? Or, her and I
could go separately than mom, Buddy, and the kids...(mom refuses to
leave them with a sitter here in the states during holiday time. I think
that it's scheduled quite nicely. I mean...it is something to be thankful
for, aye? ;) lol Let's see...after I got done talking to Trina, I was talking
to another friend of mine, but then mom made me go to bed...one of the
major reasons that I want to get a laptop (for my room) but, that's besides
the point. Anyway, after I went to my room, I called Amy, and we
talked for a really long time, and then I went over. We talked more,
and watched TV. We chilled out on the deck for a while, and we were
looking at the stars again. That falling star that we saw the last time, that
was a part of a meteor shower...we saw it without realizing what it was.
It only happens every 70 years. lol I'm really glad that I got to see it.
I really love to be outside, and experience things like that. I really need
to get a telescope. They're actually pretty cheap, too. I think maybe I'll
get that in a week or two. This week, I think I'm going to finish my
Christmas shopping, and put some money in the bank. Then, I think maybe
the week after, I'm going to go to the eye doctor, and put all of my money
in the bank...so I can pay for my contacts when they come in, I'll just write
them a check. Then, maybe the next week, I'll get the telescope. It's amazing,
I only have about three more presents to get, and my Christmas shopping will
be done. Kimberly is getting one more thing, and so is mom. I also need to get
a box of Christmas cards. That's it. :D That's what happens when you start your
shopping in late October! :) My room was decorated ( a little ) for Christmas..
and I did that right after Halloween. But, then my lights burnt out, so I have to
check all of the bulbs. I think I'm going to get one of those fake trees like
Amy and Jon have. It's so pretty. It's white, with white lights on it, dark blue
garland, and silver pine cones. It kicks ass! :) This entry is getting a little
long
so...Bye! : )
11/23/02
My day started early...5 AM early. as it does every
weekend. I watched cartoons with Kimberly, and got in
a good half hour to an hour of extra sleep (she was content
laying on my bed with me, watching that dumbass clown that
comes on around 7 or so) She didn’t' get up at 5 when I did, but...
I guess it was around 6. Right after mom left, I found
myself sitting at the kitchen table with an empty cup of coffee, and
no possibilities for a refill. So, I came to the conclusion
that maybe I should try to get more sleep before the sibs decided to
wake up. I don't think that I was really sleeping when
Kimberly woke up...but, I might have been just drifting into sleep.
After the clown show was over, I went to give her a
kiss and a hug, and...I swear, she smelled like a gym shoe. lol So, I
asked her if she wanted to get a shower. Thank god
she said yes, or she would have stunk up the whole house. heh.
While she was in the shower, I was cross stitching this
book mark that I've been working on for a while now. It's just a few
day lilies (they're so pretty :D ) anywhoo, then
Steven woke up. Of course, he was a brat all day. : / I cleaned my
room for most of the day. It's almost clean! LOL
I let the sibs make a paper chain. Mom bought them
construction paper a while back, and the other day I
noticed that
they actually didn't use it all yet. So, I taught them how
to make the chains last night. Now I'm bored, and sleepy. We
got subs from the pizza place again. Right after we ate, I
grabbed a stack of pillows, and curled up into a little ball at the
end of the couch. It was pretty comfy. :) I really want to
get a laptop. Mom asked me today why I wanted one of those.
I told her that as for right now, I just want it so when I want
to write something, I can type it instead. Like, short stories,
for instance. I've been having great ideas, but I hate to write
things other than letters by hand. I like to type though.
When it gets to be about 3 AM, and I have an idea, I don’t' want to come
downstairs, and turn on the computer again,
which, is right beside the living room, which is my mother's room
also...so...now that she has a boyfriend, it's really not a
great idea to be coming downstairs in the middle of the night. lol
Well...I think that's it for now. So long!
11/22/02
Nothing really happened today. Finally
got to talk to dad...
which was about amazing. Dona is thinking about
the roommate thing. She said that we should get to
know each other better
first, which I couldn't agree on more. So, once
our work hours settle down a little, we can hang out, and get
to know
each other. I did some dishes today, because mom
offered me a nice sized bribe before she left. I figure that
with as many
dirty dishes as were there, I could get half of them
done just by doing the ones that I don't mind doing as much
(plates and bowls).
Let's see...I donated a dollar to the
wildlife conservation fund...lol Every little bit counts,
right? lol If I had more in
my checking acct, I would have given
more. Maybe if they ask me again when I have more
money in there, I'll
give them more. I do like wild animals...I really
do. I get such a kick out of seeing wild animals.
Amy and I were on her
deck about 2 weeks ago, around 2 am, doing
bong hits in 30 degree weather (we're retarded)
anyway, we heard
something in the yard, looked down, and there was
this huge skunk, which we had smelled faintly, obviously,
he hadn't sprayed
anywhere near here. Not much else
happened today. Besides the fact that I was bored for most
of the day. S
was over, as usual. :D we checked out a
bunch of different sites and stuff, and the usual. All
around, it was a pretty good day.
11/21/02
Went to Great Grandma's funeral today. I was trying
to get ahold of dad yesterday, because he told me that he really
wanted to go to the funeral, because even though she
wasn't his grandma, he still liked her a lot. I did call and leave a
message, but, as I said yesterday, we never got the chance
to talk. We had to take my sibs over to their old babysitter,
because they decided that they'd rather see her than go to the
funeral (thank god). When we got back, Laura and Jeff stopped in,
and Laura was telling everyone about her personal
...very very personal problems...lol and Jeff was as hilarious as he
always is. lol They left for the 83 Diner to get some
breakfast before we left for Enola. Mom and I got ready, and we were
chillin' for a while. Then, Laura and Jeff were back,
because no one was waiting up at the diner yet (that's where we meet
for road trips, the whole family gathers in the
parking lot) anyway, no one was there yet, because it was still a
little early, so, they came here. We all talked for a little
and then we left. We waited for grandma and pappy Steve for a while
(they are always the head car...they know where
everything is) So, we were there, talking to Laura and Jeff more.
Jeff was trying to sell us pop tarts, and Laura was
making little signs, saying ".50 each" lol (Keep in
mind...these two are almost in their 40's. lololol they're great)
Anyway, it was hilarious. I was listening to Pearl Jam on and off,
mostly because I kept getting interrupted. I had my CD case filled
to the brim with my fav CDs'...and only listened to Vitalogy (which
I'd have to say is one of my favorites this week. lol
((Don't forget Dope & Otep :D ) Anywhoo, we were driving for a
while. I recognized a lot of places that I've seen in my
dreams before, but never recognized from anywhere...now I know that
all of those places were in and around Enola,
Lemoyne, and Steelton. Some in Camp Hill and Harrisburg. It was
great. Anyway, we got to Great Grandma's church...
very new. It's only been there for about a month or so. The viewing
was really nice. I was really happy that it reflected
her personality so much, and that they talked about how good a person
she was...because, if I had to say that I thought that
only one person on the whole planet would go to heaven...it would be
her. Seriously. Anyway, Grandma had some old
artwork of great grandma's that she wanted everyone to have. So, she
told everyone that if they wanted any, to go look at
it. Mom chose this picture of this flower stand...with about a
million different kinds of flowers on it, that great grandma
colored. They were so pretty. I chose one that says Love, and it's
made out of flowers and stuff. It's awesome. I hung it
up last night. Anyway, while we were in the church, my cousins,
Brandon and Derek were (as usual) acting like retards.
Their behavior was really wrong for a church...a funeral of a family
member, no less. They were going' on about sex, and
drugs, and all kinds of shit, like they were just sitting in their
living room or something. I told Brandon that his mother
should slap him upside the head. He said that she was outside
smoking. So...I asked if he wanted me to go get her. lol
They were acting like idiots....and I think that is so wrong. I
mean...Fine, you can talk about that stuff anywhere else...but,
that's really fucking disrespectful to be talking about shit like
that in "God's house" and ESPECIALLY when you’re very very
religious, very strict PENTECOSTAL GREAT GRANDMOTHER is there, having
her ...last party, if you could call it that.
I don’t' attend church...and that was the first time I've been in a
church since I was about...11, I think it was. But...that's
just really disrespectful. Another thing that was really nice, is
that they sang 2 songs that great grandma loved, and they
read a poem that she wrote when she was 13. It was beautiful. When
everyone came out...I don't know if anyone but
mom and I noticed...but...see...great grandma loved birds, and
flowers. She would paint them all the time, draw them...
and make her own Christmas cards for everyone. There were a lot of
flowers inside the church, near her casket, but, of
course, there were no birds inside...but...when we walked
outside...over in the right hand field, there was a huge flock
of these birds...huge birds. I don't know what they were
called...but, they were just ...chillin' at my great grandma's
funeral! I hadn't cried all day (mostly because I knew that she's in
heaven, and she finally was getting to meet the ones that
she had worshipped, and believed in for so long. It must have been a
great day for her. So...I didn't cry, because I don't
think that she was sad...I think it was her time...she was almost
100. Anyway, this flock of birds...they weren't flying away,
they weren't really doing' anything, accept eating, and watching the
cars. It was awesome. When we got to the burial site,
my second cousin (the preacher) told us that someone had found a pink
carnation in the middle of the aisle as everyone
was walking out of the church. Pink carnations stand for eternity.
That was awesome, mostly because...either by
some kind of weirdo thing, it just got there, or by accident. Someone
may have dropped it. But...when It comes to the
dead, communicating...my family definitely believes that the dead can
do whatever they want. Everyone was thinking
that great grandma put the flower there to tell us that she's in
heaven now. And...because of her vast knowledge of
flowers...that would make so much sense. But...I'm not saying that
somehow, it couldn't have gotten there in another way.
We went to the burial, and it was still raining. I don't own an
umbrella...let alone a winter jacket...so, I got completely
soaked, and now I feel like shit. But, Brandon and Derek tried to
share their umbrella with me (which actually
belongs to grandma and pappy Steve). At one point, it was me, Derek,
Brandon, and Kath under it at the same time. lol
I think at that point, only our faces were staying dry. lol I was
really surprised at how bad little David took the whole
thing. He must have been closer with great grandma than I thought.
We were planning on following Vince (which has
decided to get a mail order bride from Cuba...but, we won't go into
that right now) We followed him on I-81 (which is
just about the most dangerous roadway in PA) to get back to the
church for some kind of buffet thing...well, we lost him.
We ended up in Perry county...inbreeding capital of the world
(PUKES), in Marysville. So, we stopped at Hardees to go to
the bathroom. I was starving, because by that time it was past
lunch, and I hadn't had anything all day besides a 16 oz.
Pepsi, and about 5 pieces of gum. lol So, we (reluctantly) got
lunch. It wasn't too bad. I spent the next three hours,
trying to direct mom southward, because she kept getting on the
beltway north. Eventually, we stopped at a gas station to
get a map (at this point, neither one of us knows where we are) so,
I was thinking...how do you find where you are on
the map if you don't know where you are?!?! So...there was some
chick standing behind us in line when we got the map.
I said "Umm...what city is this?" She goes
"Well...this is Harrisburg-Lemoyne area." So...mom decided
that yet again, she knew were we were, which she didn't, and
then she asked
the same girl for directions. lol She gave us pretty good ones,
and we made it to were my grandfather's old porn store used to be.
From there, I directed mom home, cause she couldn't
remember how to get home from there, even though she worked there for
a while. When we were about 10 miles from
home...in New Cumberland, she sees a sign that says "I-83
North" I saw it too...and I said "NORTH!?!?!?!" she
says "Yes, North." By that time, I had told her at least 12 times that
Harrisburg is North, York is South. So...on the onramp, she
realizes that we were going the wrong way again...slams on the
breaks, and she does a u-turn...so...then she decided to
listen to me the rest of the way home...stubborn old woman. Then, we
had to go to Star's to pick up my sibs, and then
we FINALLY got home. There was only a little bit before one of my
friends had to leave for work, so I wanted to talk to 'em
before they had to go. I hopped online, and they weren't here. So,
I wrote 'em an email. Then watched TV...then got back
online, thought they were on, but it ended up not being them, just
someone else using their sn. So, then, I signed off and
went to bed. lol THE END!!!
11/20/02
It seems that I'd have to chase my father down like a dog
just to get to talk to him today. We keep missing each other. Now I
realize how important it is to call someone at the
same time every day. We usually try to talk every day,
but...sometimes it gets to the point where I call him 3 or 4 times,
trying to return a call, and he had called me about the same number
of times, and...I'm just either online, or on the
phone, in the shower, running after the sibs...all kinds of crap. I
won't be able to talk to him tomorrow, because I'll be in
Enola at my great grandmother's funeral. ((She was only about one
month away from her 100th birthday...and she
wanted to turn 100 so badly...but, she knew near the end that she
wasn't going to make it, and she accepted that. She had
a heart attack. She was very sickly in these past few years, so...at
least she's not in pain now. ::sigh:: It's just odd...I really
thought that she'd make it to 100...I guess that was her last earthly
disappointment. Life is really disappointing...almost all
of the time with almost everything. And...I'm not being a
pessimist...you just count how many things actually go the way
that you want them to...even if you do have a good attitude about
them...just you wait and see....
11/19/02
Have a lot to do today...I have to send some poems to Laura.
She said that she wanted to see them the last time that she wrote to
me, but when I wrote back, I forgot about copying
my originals for her until after the envelope was sealed. So,
instead of wasting an envelope, I just decided that I'd send
them when I was good and ready. ...But, anyway. I've really been
missing Laura, Craig, and Brandi. Every night, when I
have any dreams at all...they always somehow contain one or all of
those three people. It's really weird, cause one time
I had this dream that Craig was in this band, and I was chillin' with
all of 'em, and Craig was trying to teach me to play
his guitar. lol Another time, I was talking to Brandi about
problems that she was having, or something. Another time was
when I was talking to Laura about my problems, and her life.
Sometimes I wish that they would move back, or maybe I
should move out there. Pittsburgh is a nice area. I was really
comfortable in that area all of the times that I've been there.
It's also kind of like my family's "home land". My grandpa
Williams' father and mother came to America from Ireland, and
when they got here, they settled in Pittsburgh. Of course, on my
dad's side, there's my pappy Pritz. His grandfather
came to America from Germany, and settled in York. So...if I'm going
to pick a place to live, based on that...I'm a little
torn. Anywhoo...this is getting boring. lol Until tomorrow...
11/18/02
I cleaned today. The whole house, top to bottom. S
wasn't over today. I did get a lot done though. There's still some
things to do though. putting everyone's laundry away,
dusting, mop the floors...I think that's about it...besides giving
the sibs dinner, a bath, and a bed time story. Didn't really
feel like working on the site today.
11/17/02
S spent the night last night. It was fun.
We watched Fight Club, and Chris Rock :D She had never seen Fight
Club...shame on her! lol Anyway, it was a jolly
good time. The scotch was a bit too strong to drink much of. So,
next time, we'll have to make sure that we have
something a little weaker...like paint thinner. lololol She said
something about that ..."If I were to think about what
paint thinner tasted like...that would be it." heh. And (I
have to mention this one) About 10 minutes after she got here,
we were chillin' in my room, and I said "Is it too early to get
wasted?" lol After I said it, I realized how it sounded...
and we both lost it. Like I said, we had a good time. heh. So then,
we watched some TV, and got wasted.
Put Fight Club in...got more wasted, and a little more wasted. Put
in the Chris Rock DID, was going to get more
wasted...but, decided not to (need to save some green for next week).
So...that's the end. Have a nice day. Heh. :D
11/16/02
I guess Steve was right...things do get better eventually,
everything is a test, and so on.
My dad told me that too...on the same day as Steve, actually. Most
likely because all I was doing that day was moping.
I think it's because I hold my emotions in all the time (when I'm
anything but happy) so I don’t' end up making other
people feel sorry for me. I don't like to be that way. When I am
though, it gets to the point where I'm just ready to
give up on everything. Last night, I felt so horrible.
Well...yesterday too. I know it was my birthday, but it seemed like
something that wasn't anywhere near being a birthday. My dad called,
and said happy birthday.
We talked for a little bit, and then he had to go. Later, Trina
called, and left a message, saying happy birthday.
There was one really important person that said that they were going
to call, but they didn't.
I really wanted to talk to them...mostly because they always cheer me
up, but I guess they were busy.
Oh, and...my mom didn't even realize that it was my birthday until
right before she left for work.
By that time, I already knew that she had forgot. She looks at the
calendar every day, to see if my sister has show and tell,
or a color day...that's when she realized it. Two of my other
friends said happy birthday right after I told them that it was
in a day or so...meaning that they get credit. lol So, in
conclusion, I was told happy birthday by 7 people. No birthday
cards of any sort as of yet, no party...no presents. Which, kind of
depresses me, because...for the past 4 years, all of my
birthdays have been really crappy, so I was hoping that maybe this
one would be different. ::sigh:: Someone's 18th
birthday is supposed to be this big thing. If not 18th, then 16th,
or 13th...but, none of those were really made a big deal
out of by anyone either. I've only ever had two birthday parties.
The first was when I was about...9 or 10. That was a lot
of fun. Then, when I was 12, I had a really small party. It was
alright, but it wasn't anything great. ::blah:: At least my
dad tried though. I don't think that he ever thrown a birthday party
before that. What was cool about that one though, is
that he actually got me something that I really wanted, and I wasn't
really hinting toward. That told me that he was really
paying attention to what I was saying, before it was time for him to
"hunt for clues" as to what I wanted. My mom...
on the other hand...is trying to make up for the fact that my
birthday sucked, which...it is nice of her, and I do appreciate
it. But...I know that she doesn't want to do anything for my
birthday...or she would have remembered. She remembered
Kimberly's birthday perfectly fine. She spent 200.00 just on her
party, and another 100 on presents. I hate being the
oldest. When I was little...mom and I were poor...I mean...like dirt
poor. Now though, she has a great job, and my sibs
get everything they want...and now that I make my own money, mom
refuses to spend anything on me. And now that
I'm 18, she wants me to pay rent, groceries, and all this other
ungodly hoo-ha. : / I really don't feel like it's fair, and I feel
like I'm being singled out just because I can be. I mean, I don’t
mean to sound greedy...but, isn't that a little unfair?
Maybe I am greedy...I don’t know. I took a quiz from a magazine
yesterday, and it said that I'm a very giving person, and
I should make less sacrifices, and this and that. Which...who knows.
It was just a magazine quiz.
11/15/02
Just as I had suspected...it seems that no one remembers, or
cares that it's my birthday. Maybe I shouldn't care either. I
mean...it is just another day, right? I have to work today,
and the weekend. My sister just found a sewing needle...maybe I
should jam it into my eye. : / My mom wouldn't
even take me to the fucking bank today. ...THE GODDAMNED
MOTHERFUCKING BANK! It's not like she had to pay
for an actual gift. I just wanted to go to my bank, so I can deposit
some money....bitch
No one got me anything (not even a card, or something pointless.)
But...I do have to mention that my brother and sister,
when they heard that it was my birthday...went running to their rooms
to draw me a picture. lol They're sweet kids.
Well...If I'm ever more alone than I feel right about now...I guess,
at least I'll have them.
11/14/02
Talked to a few friends today, and thought about some
things. Life sucks. Tomorrow is my birthday...and I really don't
think that anyone cares. I'm really sad, and pissed off.
Life really seems like a waste lately. :*(
11/13/02
I fixed the site, and cleaned the house. That's about it.
: /
11/12/02
Today was pretty good. I can't complain. I cleaned the
bathroom...well, that one, I can complain about. lol
I got my checks today though. :) I got to talk to a friend of mine
for a while, and that was good. Hmm...I think that's
about it for today.
11/11/02
I spent most of my day cleaning, and the other half working
on this. I found a great site today, which has a
crap load of useful info on it. That is, if you're making a site.
I'll link it later. ((echoecho.com)) There's really not
anything to talk about today. Just boring things. I'm really
considering Trina's thoughts on moving. I mean, do I really
have that much of a reason to stay in PA? Why not move to CA? I'm
not too sure of how I'm going to get all of my stuff
there, but I'm thinking maybe a large veal would work. Trina's
stuff got to PA by way of a huge ass truck. That was
when she moved here, not when she was here on vacation. The larger
trucks that they have out now, that have an
extended cab, and 3 doors, and whatnot...those are nice. I could get
one of those, instead of a car, and just load up all
of my crap, and...drive to CA. The fact of the matter though is that
I won't be able to get a vehicle until February. Unless
I don’t take my mom's offer (when she gets her income tax returns,
she will buy me a car, and then I can pay her back
for half of it in payments of 25.00 per week) I really want to take
that offer. I think it's pretty good, and I'm not sure
that I want to pass it up. But...I'm not sure that I can stand
living here anymore. I've never felt "right" anywhere.
Right as in feeling comfortable, or welcome. I've always felt out of
place. Maybe CA will give me a better feeling. Not
that the fact that I live in PA makes me feel unwelcome...it's the
people that I've lived with/visited in PA. I was thinking
earlier that I really miss my aunt and my cousin. Maybe I should
move to Pittsburgh. It's nice there. I don’t know yet.
I feel like I'm too young to decide where I want to relocate to.
It's confusing, and I'm not sure that after I get somewhere
if I'll actually like it. That's a big thing, I don't want to take
it like it's not. I guess I'll just think about it more. ::sigh::
11/10/02
Ok, things seem to be going pretty smoothly on here.
I was really ready to give up when I messed up about
12 different codes, while trying to add other things, and not really
paying attention. Now those are all fixed. :) The
leaves outside my window are so...yellow. lol They're pretty
though. I remember last year, there were two birds that
lived in that tree. I'd watch them all the time. I think that they
were mates, just by the way that they acted toward
each other. They kind of reminded me of my grandparents. lol
Anyway, today has been pretty good. I've been working
on this basically since I got up, and had my first cup of coffee. I
wish that I had some more ideas for what I could
do on here. I do know that eventually, I want to get some of my
writing up, and maybe work on a very small scale art site
at picturetrail. Possibly have some personal pics up there too. I
was thinking yesterday that I want to do a Recommended
Media section. Movies, books, bands, and so on. I think people
would enjoy it. Drop me a line in the guest book, and
tell me what you would think.
11/9/02
Today, I'm getting the Blog put in here. It was at Diary
land for a brief period, but I wanted all of my stuff to be
at one place. I really did like Diaryland though, so I will be sure
to link them when I'm finished with the other things
which are already on my list. I've decided that instead of
publishing my old Blog entries on this site, that I would just
start new. If you'd like to see the old entries, check for the link
located in the Links section, in the scroll box.
11/8/02
Welcome to Kelly's patented Blog In A Box...
which isn't really patented at all, but you get the point. Anyway,
read it...it's semi- amusing! :D Just a little
experiment with a text box. Pretty, huh? lol Within the next 48
hours, this box will contain the contents of my blog,
which was previously hosted on Blogger. Blogger sucks. That is why
I'm not linking them (they really blow, seriously!
:P HAHAHA!) Ok...acting like adults now...my blog will be here
soon, so...there's the beef.
10/9/02
Thought: Diaryland, and they will come
hehe...now I remember why I liked it here... ;)
Comments: this sniper...they're saying that he left a little something behind...a tarot card. the death card, with the
sentence "I am god" written on the back (it's just occurred to me that I know too many people that say that... :O I’m sure
it's just to be funny though. anyway...) if this guy really knew anything about the tarot...he would realize that the death
card does not mean death...it means the death of a situation, a relationship, etc.. anything but the physical death of
something living. so...if he does already know this...what point is he trying to prove? maybe the end of the little bit
of security that people were feeling after 911, and after the anniversary, 912? (though, I know that nothing happened on
912, but a lot of people were quite apprehensive about it) I don't know...whoever this guy is (or guys)...he's either not
too smart, or he's very smart, but mostly misunderstood...no one is going to understand the tarot card statement, because
it has more than one meaning, and they would both make sense as some kind of "scare tactic". hmm..quite interesting. :)
(not smiling because of the sniper, but, smiling because now I’m sure that my brain still works...heheheahhaha! lol ) talk
to y'all later! :D
Thought: Blogger Sucks!
ok, here's the beef...don't use blogger...ok? it's trash. it tells me to come back in a few minutes because they are having
technical issues. so, I go back the next day...still not up. screw them. I used to use diaryland a while back, but then, I
lost track of it. I was really happy with it though, so once I remembered what it was called...I came back. so...I have to
re-post all of the things that used to be on blogger...that's about 3 months worth of crap...or more. I don't know.
anyway...I’m going to put it all on here...I will guarantee that this will be the longest entry that I’ll ever make...
heh...so, here goes!
9/26/02
it's been a good while, huh? well...my phone got shut off, so...gah. whatever. and it was off for a while ,causing mom
refused to pay her part of the bill. I wasn't planning on blogging anymore...but, I tried talking to real people, and it's
just not happening for me right now. I mean, I went to AOL hometown, and I scoped a few pages. I found this really kewl
person (or so I thought) I immed 'em, and they wouldn't talk to me. so I was like...ok, bye! humbug. :P "I never thought
that hell would be catered!"~Dharma from Dharma and Greg...some new show on fox. I just asked matt if he is busty...he
says "I wish!" I feel like such a loser right now. I mean...it's not like I’m "oh woa is me, I’m single" but...I want to
be in a relationship so bad right now...I want someone to love...ya know? I used to have really good plutonic relationships
with my male friends...but, now all of them are all like "hey, guess what, I met someone" or "I haven't met anyone, but I
don't want you either"...thy don’t' say that exactly...just the vibe I get, really. and the others are like "I really care
about this chick, but she hates me, and no one else cares, and I’m blind" dar... :P but...whatever...here's to all of my
male friends that I love dearly...as friends, nothing more...because when I gave it thought earlier...none of my male
friends are right for me. I mean...yes, they are an awesome bunch of guys...and yes...they're all lookers... ;) but...
personality clashes are...horrible. lol...and of course...I mean...ick. lol I can't imagine dating a good friend of mine.
I have before, and it seemed ok...lol but, I mean...I’ve really given it good thought. of course...there is at least 1 of
my male friends that I wouldn't mind having a relationship with...though I know it would most likely end it heartbreak,
suffering, and the whatnots...but...my god...I could just go into convulsions looking at his picture...no joke. lol and...
we get along very well...but sometimes I think he's a real...I don't know really...he's just got probs that he doesn't want
to admit to...well...he will admit to 'em, he just doesn't want to like...take care of 'em...solve 'em, and whatever. I
think that his major problem is self pity. but...it's ok. I like to talk to him a lot. he's really interesting, and he's
always telling' me about these people he knows, and the stupid shit they do. but...there's this other guy too...it's
like ...beyond a friends thing...I don't know..it's complicated, and no one understands it but us...and it's fucked,
and we know it...but...damnit...and on a completely different note... besides being ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, with this perfect
thick, dark hair, and these....oh lord...he's got these brown eyes...and his face is just the most precious thing I’ve ever
seen in my life. oo...and his lips...I don't know what it is about his lips...but...oh boy...and he's got really broad
shoulders...who doesn't love a good set of manly shoulders? lol and he's just...perfect, ya know (perfect as in if I were
judging in a completely shallow way...which...even though this guy is like...sexy beyond words..i don’t know...like...I
can't just rate people on that...I’ll be going against everything that I stand for. intellectual connection, and whatnot.
but, as far as I can tell...we're like....perfect for each other...I think that, anyway. but...like...complications make
things hard. like...I nag way too much...what guy wants a naggy bitch all nagging' on him all the time. I really wish that
I could stop doing' that. > .< RAR!! I just need to like...not worry? lolololol no, seriously...I’m asking...LOLOLOL no...
joking. but, anywhoo...I don't want to be with anyone but this last guy that I mentioned...cause...he's mine, and it just
feels like it would be so right. and I’ve given it so much thought, and we've been through so much...and...damnit! the next
time that our chance comes back...I’m not going to mess it up. I won't lose him again, and I refuse it. I will do anything
that I have to, in order to keep him around. I love him so much...and every day that I can't talk to him it's like my heart
is dying...and...fuck...I’m crazy about him...DAMNIT ...Gilmore girls is a good show.
7/20/02
Drink your Gin and Tonica...and smoke your Marijuanica...Adam Sandler....what a great mind, huh? ;) let's see here....wow
...a lot has happened within the past few days. Trina is here!! :) (seems like we planned for like 20 years) of course, my
plans kind of caved in...but...it's alright. at least I’ve got my best friend here...huh? when she first got here...I
wasn't expecting her right then...but all day I was antsy...like...ok, she'll be here in 12 hours...WOO!! lol when it hit
7pm, I called pappy, just to make sure that he was still going to pick her up at the bus station. well, he wouldn't answer
his cell, so I got scared, and thought that she's be stuck in a really bad part of York with all her shit, and not have a
ride here, and have to wait eons for the cab to actually get there, and then have to ride all that way with a whacko
cabbie, and then have to pay all of that money, ya know? anyway, I was upstairs when she got here, and I heard something
downstairs...so I kind of peeked down, and she came to the steps, and she was like "Kelly?" I was like "AHHH! TRINA!!!"
lol and then she told me about the dumbass airport losing her luggage, and she only had one damn piece. lol it's a giant
bag, and they fucking lost it!! i couldn't even beleive it. and all they gave her to survive on ....a little pouch...with
the essentials in it...that's it. i couldn't beleive that. i'm never gonna fly. RRRR i was so pissed about that...i think
more than she was. lol. let's see...after that, we chilled outside, i had bought a whole bunch of shit at the dollar store,
and the grocery store...cause i knew that we wouldn't have a car, or anything, so i thought that i might be able to pick
up a few things that would help us have somekind of fun. so i got alot of camping stuff...and bingo...lmfao! but,
anyway....we set up the camping stuff, and we chilled out there. we had booze and smoke with us...and we smoked a
lil...and then jon and dion came down. amy said today that they were both trashed, and when they came down, dion
asked if he could bum a smoke, i told him no, cause i was broke...which, i wasn't...but, i said that i just spent the last
of my pay on the smoke that i bought from gene, through jon. sooo...as we continue...jon is actin' like an ass, and dion is
wanting to spark a bowl...well, actually, i asked them if they wanted to smoke with us. of course, they accepted. so, jon
pulled some out...which i was just gonna let them smoke some of the shit that i bought for trina and i...but since jon
offered some up, i was like...well, that's kewl. so we sparked that....and then soon after, they went up. that was alright
i guess. trina and i just sat by the fire for a while, and we had eaten and all...i had made dinner earlier...some kickass
chicken, and i had it planned that we'd warm it up over the fire. well...i thought that it had been on for a while, but it
wasn't...so, it was still cold. but, we ate it anyway, cause it was good cold...hell...it was already cooked thoroughly
anyway. let's see....after all of that...we cleaned up, and everything, and eventually, we went to bed. she was really
tired, cause, she did come here from cali...and that's an exhausting thing, i would beleive. let's see...the next day we
stayed home and vegged and slept...that was fun. lol. let's see...nothing really big happened that day, but it was still
kewl. :D oh, i made like ...this kickass chicken junk. lol it was like...chicken cordon bleau...but, it had american cheese
and turkey ham. it kicked ass! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D let's see...the next day, we went to the gallaria...which was quite an
outing, condsidering the fact that we had no way to get there at first....so...we ...being the resourceful little chicas'
that we are ;) called a cab (after quite a bit of debate on the thought, and who would be responsible for making the calls.)
lol...we're dorks....it was like "no trina...you call" no kelly...you have to call!" it was funny as hell. lol we were
there from about 7pm until 9 when they closed. we went to just about every store in the mall, and bought just about one
thing from each store. lol it was kickass. let's see here.....the first cabbie we had.....i was scared of taking a cab...
but...you know ....i ended up knowin' the guy,and it was so fucked up! i was like "holy shit, i know you!!!!" it was one of
my pap's business partners from way back when he owned all of the porno stores. Lol
7/13/02
haven't blogged for a while...wow...it's been a long time. been kinda busy, and a tad stressed...but...now i'm good. :) i
had this crazy dream the the other night about trina. she had gotten here, and we were on our vacation...and we were so
bored, and miserable. and then, it seemed like it only lasted a minute, and she left. : / i think that the reason i had
that dream is because of the fact that i fear that our vacation is going to blow, and it will be all my fault, cause i
couldn't save up enough money to get a car. i know that won't happen. i know that we will have a great time...but...it's
just that i'm kind of embarassed that i couldn't save up the money. though, i know that it wasn't really my fault. i wasn't
expecting to have to pay mom back for all the smokes that she bought for me while i didnt' have the money because of payin'
off my truancy fines. but, i just feel like shit deep down...cause now we aren't going to be able to do all of the awesome
things that we had planned. we have to scale it down, because we're gonna be using mom's car. i can't wait to see trina
though. :) it's been so long...she left in the beginning of november (near my b day...::cries::) but...i know that she had
to go, and why, and all that soo...gah. lol i need to do some laundry today, and wash the floors...shit. : / but, it's
alright, cause these diet pills have major caffein...yummy. lol
7/7/02
let's see here...mom's birthday (july 4th) was a real bust. we were supposed to get hammered...well, when it's july 4th,
none of the state stores are open (state stores in pa=liqour stores in other states our liqour stores are run by the
state...so, if you're ever in pa, and you ask someone what they do for a living...they could say that they work for the
state....and they could just be a simple "booze jockey" anywhoo...we went to one of them that was in york...of course, it
wasn't open. ::DAH!:: before that, we had lunch at wendy's. we saw my cousin josh there. he waved, but it was too late,
and we didnt' get a chance to wave back. let's see now...what else...oh, ok...so, we had lunch, and ran out to york. i
asked mom on the way if we could stop at skin scripts...just to see if they were open...and maybe i could have gotten my
tongue re-peirced. she said that was out of the way, and she didn't want to. it was way too hot to do anything. so, we ran
into york...and the liqour was a no-go. so, we went home through manchester. i figured that maybe the beer distributer
would be open...but...mom, being the ditz that she can be...passed it. so, we went home. she made a big dinner that night,
and while she was cooking, i proceeded to get into the assorted alchohol that we've got in the house. drank the rest of the
raspberry scnapps. that was good. :) i made her taste it (in diet pepsi) and she was like "make me one!!!" so, i went to
give her mine, and i said "this was the last of the raspberry stuff, you can have mine" she got all snotty with me, and
said no. so i was like...ya know what? FINE i'll drink it...happy fucking birthday. : P so, the next day, craig was
supposed to come over. he really offended me. he told me that he was going to spend a week up at my house...but, as
it ends up...he just wanted to come over so his friends could come over. i told him that i'd have to ask mom first. so,
i did. and she said no. whatever. if he thinks that his friends are more important....fine. it just hurts...cause i spent
a long time trying to get our friendship where it used to be when we were little kids...and i finally got it back...and
to better...and then he moves to pittsburgh. what the hell, ya know? anyway....later that day....i called my dad. and we
were talkin' for a while. he had a 4th of july get together at his place...and he didn't invite me...what the hell is this?
Diss Kelly Week!!?!?!?!?!?? anyway, he also told me that my great grandma died. she was 98....he said that he tried to call
on wednesday...but he couldn't get through. now...that internet answering machine works when everyone else calls....why
doesn't it work for him?? anyway, we had plans to go get my tongue re-peirced that day. mom agreed, and we were gonna go
around 5 (when little john, the tattoo dude got back to the shop from taking his wife to the doctor's) so, we were gettin'
ready...and i decided that i didn't really want to get it done again. and i decided that it would make more sense just to
get an air conditioner for my room. so, i asked mom. she says no, it won't fit in the car. you give me money, and i'll go
get it for ya. BULL-SHIT! so, after expressing the fact that i wasn't really down with that, she said for me to call my
dad. so, that's what i did. he had told me to call him back earlier...but, i hardly ever do. lol so, i called, and he was
takin' a nap...and i asked him about runnin' me out to wal-mart to get the air conditioner, and he said that he'd have to
take a nap first, and then he'd call me back. he called back, we went to wal-mart. i got my air conditioner, and a fitted
sheet for my bed (and now i know that my bed isn't a king, it's a queen, but that's alright...cause that new sheet is a
little too big...it doesn't come off through the night...i toss and turn...like...a salad. lol anyway i got a pair of
sunglasses too...but, after wal-mart, dad insisted on takin' me over to his house for a bit. he had some smoke, and we
smoked some, and i got all stupid, and i left my sunglasses there. lol after that, we came back to my place, and he carried
my ac up to my room for me. but he told me that i would be able to put it in by myself. so then, we came outside. everyone
was out there, and dad talked to amy for a while, and to me and mom. alysha played with tink and steven for a bit, and then
me and amy went to rutter's, and dad left. that was the end of my excitement for the night. but, the next day (yesterday)
was a new beginning. heh. i was woken up around 11, and told to get ready to go over to wendy and junior's. so, i did. and
soon after, we left. we got there, and everyone was there, and even some people that i hadn't seen before. me, mom, and
the kids got in the pool for a bit. that was fun, but, i was gettin' bored with that, and the pool was gettin' crowded, so
i got out. before i did...i saw these 2 teenage guys walk in...one of them looked identical to my ex...and i was like...no
fucking way! it wasn't him...i could tell, cause john was taller, and thinner, but..this kid...he came really close. there
were times when i'd just have to look at him for a few seconds and be like..."woa" that got me to thinkin' about john, and
i got a little mopey, but...i decided just to ignore the guy, and occupy myself with other things. i went inside to get
dressed, then we ate, and then i was bored again. so, i couldn't help but look at this guy. it really made my heart sink.
:( but then, i saw a bottle of captain morgan...and mom and i broke into that. hehehehe. after a few drinks, i was happy.
:D and they were playin' and justice for all by metallica...so, there was good music, and all. and i got pretty damn
trashed. hehehe. after the bottle of cherry puckers came past me about 3 times, there was this dude. the one that i saw
for the first time a few weeks ago that looks like an older version of the guy i'm with now. this dude...he comes over to
where i'm sitting...and i was bored, so, i was reading the captain morgan lable, and he takes the bottle out of my hand,
and says "you're too young to be reading that" i said "no i'm not, i already drank about half of it!" so, he opens the
bottle, and pours more of it into my cup. (meanwhile, getting some on the table) so, i drank what was in my cup. then, a
little later, he comes back, and he's tellin' me about hhis brother, and how he's a pro skater, and he'll be in the x games
again, and he has this skate park, and stuff. and i was like...okie dokie. (( sk8park.org ))and then he's sayin' to my mom
"do you know who i am?" she says "you're jamie" and he says "you're gonna be callin' wendy tomorrow, asking who i am,
"who's that guy that violated my daughter?"" i just lost it. lol i was just thinkin'..umm...'scuse me?@?!?!?!!?!? WTF!!!
loli couldn't beleive that shit. then, he came back over to the table a little later, and he was all tryin' to talk to me
about my eyebrow, and why don't i have my nose peirced, and my tongue, and all this and that. and i was talkin' to him
about all that...and soon after, i said to mom "why dont' we leave before it starts to get too dark out...cause she had
some to drink too. and she was like...wow, what a good idea. lol so, we left, and then, when we got home, amy, jon, dion,
and dion's g/f were up on amy's deck, drinkin' and smokin' and whatnot. listenin' to music, and i said to amy that i just
got back from that party. and she asked how it went and all, and i was tellin' her. and she said that i could come up if i
wanted to. so, i did that. and we were out on the porch, settin' off foreworks, and whatnot.' that was fun. and i had a
beer, and amy insisted on making food for everyone, so i had a burger. and we shot the shit for a while, and it was gettin'
dark. ah, it was fun. ended up goin' home a little later. i was trashed. i ended up goin' to my room, then goin' to get
something to drink, and when i got back to my room, i just layed on my bed, kinda comatose, but not. heh. i had a good 4th
of july, all in all (with everything combined, that is) :) cha!
7/1/02
i've been talkin' to shannon alot lately. we've been spending alot of time together. it's great, cause there's no one else
around here to chill with, 'cept amy and derek...and...i just need a variety. but, she comes over every day (almost) at
first, we were running every day...but, that soon got quite old. so, then we just started listening to music, and chillin'
outside. now we listen to music, chill inside, and play cards, shoot the shit, and whatnot. heh. i was tellin' her last
night online how grateful i was for all those links she sent me. they really helped with the stuff i'm trying to accomplish
right now. i feel like i'm ignoring my religion, and it's bothering me...so, i decided to dig deeper into it than i have
been before. i really want to do more with my tarot cards, and maybe get some time in with the ouija board. possibly learn
how to use some different forms of divination. runes, i beleive will be my next venture. but...before i dig so deep....i
need protection from any kind of spirits that are of a bad influence...and i never really thought about it before...but i
should be wearing a pentagram (right side up, not upside down...i'm not a satanist, quite the contrary, actually)
neopaganism is a form of paganism, and is tied pretty close with wicca, though...it's not quite. i reccomend that if you're
curious about neopaganism...go read about it....m'kay? lol you'll prolly find some pretty good articals on it if you search
on google.com (my favorite search engine) :) and search for "neopagan faq" you're sure to dig up something or other. well...
i think that's all i have to say for now...cha cha chapstick!
6/29/02
I'm k he's p
a convo that i had with "a regular guy" (as he wishes to be referred to as) IMPORTANT!!!: if you have just eaten, or you
are easily grossed out...for the love of GOD...do NOT read this! lol
P: my shit is a lighter color than my pee and of a more liquid
texture...but yes sort of is better than none lol
K: my god...did you go to the doctor yet? or make any attempt to
find a
ride to the emergency?
P: no
P: I'm ok though
P: I've just been on all water except for one piece of bread diet
P: I’m actually feeling a lot better I haven’t thrown up in a day
P: so that’s cool
K: wow
K: glad you're feeling' a little better at least. :)
P: you know this pee shittin' isn’t bad, since its all water no urine
I
puked all the acids out a while ago lol
K: ....that's absolutely fabulous...lol
P:
P: less I get a tingle in my braun at first I wonder which is going
wahooo
K: LMFAO!!! though this is a fantastic subject....lol
P: know what may be neat
K: what's that?
P: I brushed my teeth half an hour ago..think I may even be minty??
K: wow. lol
P: we will have to see next time...hmm
P: just a short sniff though...I’m not that brave
K: I don't think I’d even dare sniffing' at that. lol K: lol
P: brb
K: k
P: no scent
K: eww...P! that's fuckin' nasty!!! lol
P:
P: least it doesn’t smell
K: true...but...what if it had? lol
P: then id comment on that
K: I don't think I’d want to risk it. lol
P: lol
P: rr brb
K: k
P: i hate this
K: did you know that we've been talking for almost 30 min? it
definitely
doesn't seem like it's been that long. I bet.
P: I mean damn how many times in this 20 min convo??
P: 30 ...hmm
K: 3 I believe
P: 4...counting the one before I signed on
P: averaging 1 every ten huh ...hmm shall we test the theory hmmm lol
P: cinc our watches...
K: my god....hope you don’t' have to go up steps to get to the
bathroom...lol
P: starting in 5 4 3 2 ....1
K: lol
P: no I don’t
K: I have to....and it sucks when you are downstairs, and ya really
got to
go. lol
P: rrk
P: that would suck
K: ah...yes, it does...
P: I have a warning right now less than that of a 90 yr old man
K: in most cases...you either have to run as fast as you can...or go
as
slow as possible...lol
P: or speed n thumb lololol
K: LMFAO!! that could work!
P: less it works out like a hose n merely propels
K: yikes. lol
P: :::shall we test this....nah
K: in that case, I think there would be a need for depends...lol
K: don't think so
K: lol
P: what type of underpants to old folks wear/it depends
K: lol
P: however I don’t think there is enough absorbency in those to hold a
mother load...
P: how do you test this stuff hmmm
P: rats first?
P: then monkeys??
K: lol...prolly not. wouldn't have the slightest clue. lol...
P: or str8 from blue water to granny's ass
K: I’d think monkeys would work better. lol
K: LMFAO!!
P: wonder if this is how the first convo to think these things up
went
K: quite possible...lol
P: ...some grandson sick of mopping 'shit'
P: brainstorms with grandpa
P: lol
K: LOL
K: I wonder what the depends prototype looked like
K: prolly some elastic attached to a few rolls of toilet paper
K: lol
P: suspender clipped wad....I’m guessing
K: lol...ok!
P: I think daddy didies came round same time as the first pad though
K: maybe....I think it was later than that though
P: some medieval guy sick of his wife’s ...stench ( pardon) and his
grama's
leftovers.... lol
P: not a post thanksgiving id look forward to lmao
K: LOL!
P: brb....hmmmm theory was off by 4 min...sigh
K: lol k
6/28/2002
wow...it DID work!!!! I’m an html goddess...LMFAO!
6/27/02
I just tried some html code for this pic that I wanted to put on here...that obviously didn't work. oh well. let's see...
what happened yesterday? well...I cleaned my room up. and I found a bunch of mad mags to give to Amy, and a bunch of
rolling stones too...and some that I didn’t' finish yet. found that solitaire book for her too. so, I took those over,
and she liked that. told her I’d be back later, but when I did go back, she and Michael were sleeping, so, I went back
home. then, later, I tried again...no such luck. guess they were sleeping' again. :( I’ll go over today. Shannon was up
yesterday. we listened to some music, and played uno. lol I think were done with the fanatical exercising. it just sucks.
I’m tired of it, and so is she. and I have sunburn and after she gets back from swimming today, I bet she will too. so,
neither of us will feel like doing' didly squat. I got sun poisoning. that's why this burn hurts so bad. :( I need to start
wearing sunscreen. well...my day yesterday was pretty damn boring. today all I have to do is give the kids a bath, sort
laundry, and clean up my stuff that's been sitting downstairs all week. phooey...this day isn't going to be fun... : /
6/26/02
I really wish that I could keep my other sites up... :( I mean...I have this site, and this is easy to take care of...but,
then there's the art site, and the writings site (which didn't even really get a good start. but, the art site was just
starting to look fuller, ya know? and now, I have to stop adding things, cause I’m over my limit. I think what I’m going
to do is just send my newest stuff to the people that want it. so, if anyone is interested in seeing my new art (usually
about 1-3 pics a week) then, email me, and I’ll mail you the stuff as soon as it's finished. maybe I’ll so the same with
the writings...well...if anyone wants to see 'em. just email me, link is above for that, btw...which is k111584@yahoo.com
and put in the subject line what you'd like to see. if it's just art, put art, or writings, put writings, and if both...put
art and writings. simple, ay? heh. you can give me ideas too, if ya want. I’m always up for something new, and I’ll try to
do it...give it my best shot, and send it to ya. :) damn...now I’m in a mood to draw something...wrote something this
morning. it's kind of...blah, but...I’m thinking about editing it later. cha for now...oh...p.s. on another note...mom came
home last night, and she had bought two new movies. :D kings of comedy, and unbreakable. unbreakable is a great movie, and
I loved it the first time I saw it. I told her that yesterday, so, she just goes and buys it. lol watched kings of comedy
last night...it wasn't too bad...Bernie Mac freaks me out. lol his eyes are sooo freaking huge, he looks like the living
dead. lol it wasn't as good as I thought it would be...I prefer Chris rock...but, those guys are alright. cedric is really
funny. Steve is ok...dl was pretty funny....all in all it was one of those "alright" movies. well...ttfn
6/25/02
"I wish they would only take me as I am."
-Vincent Van Gogh
6/24/02
wow...this weekend was fun. the first day wasn't so much fun, cause mom had to go to grandma's really early in the morning
to get a perm (now she looks like a cross between a poodle. and Lucille ball) so, I had to get up early to watch the sibs.
but, before that, came Friday.....:, I went up to Amy’s for a little while. since the kids were outside, I figured that I
could just check on them from Amy’s door. they were down in the yard playing' with Jon and Dion. they were gathering sticks
out of the yard, and whatnot. Dion gave them each a dollar. hehe. that was nice of him. anyway, Amy and I were talking for
a little while. I accidentally woke Michael up...and I swear...I thought she was going to playfully kill me. lol but, of
course, she didn't. instead, she gave me a beer, and we headed upstairs to the party room. she has her cousin Scotty’s
bong. really nice. :D the choke is in the front, and it has like ....this gripper thing...don't know how to explain it,
but he got it from hot topic. hehe. I like little red a little better though. it's easier to get a huge hit out of that
one. realized that it was getting dark out, so I should tell the kids to come inside, and then get them dinner, and baths
and such. so, we did all that. the rest of that night...understandably...was a little blurry...lol but, here's Saturday
..... when mom got back...I was "resting my eyes" I wasn't for too long though...I don't think. lol I was in and out of
consciousness for about 2 hours...heh. but, I told her that I was only sleeping for about 3 minutes, and she bought it.
she wanted to take a nap, and I was like...well...why cant I take a nap first? so, she was like...alright. so, I tried to
take a nap...no chance. I was awake, and alert, so, I gave up. told her to go take a nap, so she went to her room. the kids
were playing' outside, so I was online, and I’d check on 'em every now and again. later that day, we were supposed to go to
Wendy and junior's so we could go swimming. but, mom ended up deciding that we weren't going, cause the next day, we were
supposed to go to grandma's anyway. so, for the rest of the day, we just vegged out in front of the TV...watching' some old,
crappy movie that had Dudley Moore, and Eddie Murphy in it...it really did suck. heh. but, then we ordered dinner from the
pizza place. that was alright. after we ate, I was tired, so, I sacked out on the couch, and I took a nap. it was around 2
or 3 at the time. mom woke me up around 6, or so, and told me that her and the kids were going to go up in her room to be
in the air conditioning. I was barely coherent, so...I went back to sleep. I ended up waking around 12 or so...caught some
of SNL, and got myself something to drink. came back in the living room, and sat down...looked around...and fell back to
sleep. lol then, that happened about 5 times, for like...one minute increments. then, I grabbed my cigs, and lighter, cause
I really wanted a smoke, but, I knew I was too tired...so, I figured that I’d just hold 'em until I woke up a little more.
well...the next thing I remember was...I had my head between my knees, snoring, and I dropped my cigs and lighter on my
foot! that's what woke me up...and then I was good. lol so, I decided to get online for a few, check my mail, and such.
well, I was on for a little while, and then I started getting REALLY tired again. so, I shut the comp. off, and all the
other stuff, and I went up to my room. I eventually went to sleep, after I got my shaving done...did you know that you can
dry shave with baby powder? no nicks, cuts, or whatnot, and no razor burn, either. :) neatness. so, after I did that, I
hopped in the shower. and then, after that, I think I went to bed. then. yesterday morning...we all got up, and we went to
grandma's, after stopping off at hakes to get a few things. got a vanilla coke...nummy. :D and we made our merry little way
over there. well, it was really fun...spent most of the day in the pool, of course. Steve gave me one old mad mag, and 2
rolling stones :) we all got sunburned as fuck...I think mine is the worst though. owwie. luckily, my wonderful aunt
Loretta told me that I was getting' really burnt on my back, and she said that I better get out, and get some sunscreen
on. so, she put that on for me (I love my aunt Loretta. heheheh) but...my back is really...crunchy...lol along with
everything else. Especially my face, and arms...and you wouldn't believe how hard it was for me to get a good nights
sleep last night. as you can most likely imagine...I didn't sleep that well at all...which really sucks, cause now I’ve
got to stay awake to baby-sit the kids today...and I doubt that I will be able to. with the help of coffee, I hope that I
can make it. ah. well...let's see here... I have a lot of laundry to do, but the washer is broke, so I can't really do any
right now. that really sucks, but I guess it's alright, cause I really don't feel like doing it anyway, but I’d really like
to get it off of my bedroom floor. ah. shit. my room look like hell, ya know? but, I guess that's ok. poo hoo. hehehehe. I
really should clean that today, but the good thing is, that Shannon isn't coming over today to run, cause she's going to
her grandma's to go swimming today...she invited the sibs and I to go along, but I asked mom and she said no. let's see,
and because of that, I won't feel obligated to even move today. hehehe don’t' have to do dishes either. :D :D :D :D :D :D
and, all I have to really do is give the kids food, and give them baths, and watch them, :D yays!!! lol well...so long for
now!!!
6/22/02
there's this site that I stumbled upon this morning...it's called http://www.tombtown.com it tells you about dead people,
basically, and the things that lead to their deaths, and such. anyway, I read about a few people...(I’m really uneducated,
and sometimes it bothers me, and since I just didn't like the way that I was being taught, I teach myself some things every
now and then, via the internet) there's so much info out there, and I love the fact that I can find anything that I want
to know about. anyway, I read about Jesse James, Bella Lugosi, Joan of arc, Attila the Hun, and the one that really
interested me...Albert Einstein. it said within the description that during WW1, he used his fame to promote the fact that
he believed in Zionism, and pacifism. well...since I like to be aware of what all of the "ism's" are...hehe...I looked up
both of them. (thank you, Verizon online. lol) pacifism...I get that...I agree...pacifism is good, cause war is bad, and
the killing, blood, and guts, all that nastiness...it's not pretty. but...Zionism... I mean, when I read that, I was like...
holy shit, Einstein was a nazi before there even were nazis... :O cause Zionism basically means that you want Jewish people
to go back to where they came from...their homeland, or whatever. but. I don't know...I mean...that doesn't sound like a
nice thing to want. unless they want to go...but, I’m sure they don't, cause...I mean...their homeland is kind of like...
not peaceful, and stuff...cause of the other people fighting with them over that land, and whatnots. but, I guess some
Jewish people would be so devoted to who they are, and where they come from, that they would want to return, no matter
what. I can understand that. it would be like a pilgrimage...ya, one of those...prolly like a religious thing. ah...I’m not
Jewish, but, from what I read...the Jewish people that think that Zionism is racism, those are the orthodox...or...err...I
can't remember the facts. but...I found that to be quite interesting. this is one that I’d really like to have some feedback
on. :D
6/21/02
well howdy doo, my adoring public! MUAHAHAHA! anyway, I’m in a great mood today, things are going great with this, that and
the other. lol. there were problems the other day with that, but now that is fine, and so is this and the other! HEHEHEHE
let's see here...I just mopped the floor...the dining room floor that is. lol did the kitchen floor the other day. I like
this Brite one step stuff. mom makes me only use it on the wood floors...and there's this Mr. Clean clean breeze, red
garbage to use on the other floors...but..on the back of the brite bottle, it says that it's not for wood floors...queer.
okie doke...let's see here...i have nothing else to talk about...oh smells.
6/17/02
these are a few of my favorite quotes...got 'em in my email today. i'll start puttin' up all the ones that i really like.
i'll put them in number order from best to ok...
"Everything to excess. Moderation is for monks."
~Lazarus Long
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
~Ashleigh Brilliant
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age
eighteen."
~Albert Einstein
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
~Thomas Edison
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
~Rod Serling
"If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple
to understand it."
~Pat Bahn
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the
great
ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
~Winston Churchill
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
~Wernher von Braun
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society."
~Mark Twain
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
~W. Somerset Maugham
well, that's the end of that. i was so wasted last night that my vision was all screwed up, and stuff...and it was really
hard to see things. lol but, in the morning is usually when my eyes are really blurry. i was gonna take out my contacts
thismorning, cause i couldn't even see through the cloudyness. lol. but, i decided to use some eyedrops first. so, that
cleared it up amazingly. :D thismorning, i was supposed to get up early to talk to someone, but i just couldn't wake up.
i went to bed around 4am...so, i was beat. and also because of all of the things that happened yesterday. i was physically
tired, cause i was swimming over at wendy and junior's all day. from about 4pm until 7pm...three hours...wow. i didn't
realize how long i was in the pool. heh. i was splashing alana, and throwin' the ball at her. heh. and then dave kept
splashin' everyone, so, i started splashing him. lol i grabbed one of the frog things, and squirted him with it. i only
had the baby one though, so it doesn't hold as much water as the one that he was squirted me with. lol. wendy was talkin'
about karen, and how she's been causing more trouble, and all. then, the thing that she said that really got me was "we
could always have her knocked off....we know some people in the mob...they are good conections" i was like...Oooooo------
Kaaaaaayyyyy.... :O when we came home, we took the long way...and that was kewl :) we went to kfc for dinner, and brought
that home. their popcorn chicken is really spicey. the kids hated it. lol let's see...then we got home, and the kids went
outside to play after picking at dinner. kimberly came inside and told me that amy told her that she wanted me to come up
later that night. so, i told her to tell amy that i would be up. i watched some tv, and got onlline for a bit. then, it was
about 9, or so...so, i went to amy's. jon was there...ewww....but, anyway, i was drawin' for a while, cause i took all my
junk over. dion was over, and tryin' to make conversation with me...ewww...amy said for me to stay away from him, and i'm
happily taking her advice....he's a slime ball. he has a gf, and he cheats on her all the time, and she knows...still won't
dump his stupid ass. they even have a kid... : / so, i was drawin' this phat ass pic....and everyone was like "OOOO!!" lol
then, jon and dion left to go to the bar (again) they went to the silverlake. she was gonna call and make him come home...
and i told her that she shouldn't even bother, cause it would just fuel the fire. they are always fighting. it's horrible.
but, we were up in the party room for a while, and then jon got home, and we had a few bong hits with him. dion was there
too...and he was like "the best place we could find was falls" FUCKING FALLS!!!!! this place (for those of you who've got
no idea what falls is...is like a broom closet, infested with rats, and roaches, and a hotel...consisting of a room or two
...it's a bar...and it's definately not a place where anyone would want to go. it's in york haven, which makes it even
worse. they were gonna go to potter's...the old potters...which is now the silverlake...which is right in the hole of
york haven. AH!!! :X amy had some chocolate thai left....ooo boy...that stuff will fuck your shit up, son! :O no one around
here usually has any, so it's pretty steep. but, we smoked off the rest of that, plus some of this other shit that jon had
gotten earlier in the week. then, we went downstairs. dion left after we watched the tyson-lewis fight, and then jon started
gettin' really beligerant. and i was just thinkin'....holy shit...but, i stayed. and then they had a fight about the air
conditioner. amy wanted it off, cause of the baby, and jon was arguing with her. she unplugged it...so, he started throwing
shit at her. just little things, but...shit...ya know? and she started throwin' big shit at him...caught him in the head
with a wooden coaster, and told him that he better stop before he hits the baby. so, then, he started gettin' ignorant with
me! he was like "you better get out" i said "well, if you hadn't just thrown half of my shit across your livingroom, i'd
be able to leave sooner" he goes "you aren't supposed to be here right now" i said "okie doke" he goes "no okie doke about
it, leave." i said "fine, i'm goin'." didn't want to hang around, so i found my drink, and my smokes, and i was so out of
there. heard 'em fightin' for like 15 min after that. didn't know if i should do anything though. i was gonna call the
cops...but, i didn't want to get amy in trouble. there are 2 pot plants sitting in her living room, all kinds of weed,
bongs, and such upstairs, and if cops would see that, the baby would surely be taken away. she's been talkin' about leaving
him...i just hope that she does. cause...this is so bad for her, and not to mention michael. after i got home, i got online,
and talked to a few people. which i guess was around...one, maybe that i got on. and then, around 4, went to bed. that's about
all for yesterday. quite a bit, huh? oh, something funny about father's day...i told mom that i wasn't gonna call dad and
tell him happy father's day. and she said "good" i told her that i was thinkin' lately...and...i came to a conclusion...she
said what's that? i said mom...she said yah...i said "happy father's day!" she fuckin' cried!!! she was like..."aww, that
was the sweetest thing you've ever said to me" heheh...but, it's true...she's my mother and my father, because my
biological one definately isn't any more than a sperm donor. i've got a title for him that someone i knew used to use to
describe his dad...."biological asshole" that fits...hehe...so...fuck you, old man! :P
6/17/02
as i sign on to blog....i see the phrase "happy monday" WHAT THE HELL? no monday is happy..who likes mondays!?!?!? and what
perky asshole came up with the thought to acutally put those two words together, if the phrase "it's never a" in front of
it!?!?!? GAH!! anywhoo...i'll go on to explain my day...though, it's taking me forever to blog this..cause i'm not typing
all that well...luckilly, i've been catching my mistakes. you wanna see some that i wont' correct, just to let you know,
how fucked up i am right now....here you go.....i am so cucked right now, i dan't even tipe i should like i can't talk
right at all. i can't speel any thing over three letters really. there is a hair vclig under the computer screem. and my
address buuk too. there and evlis sc right ther alos...and a microphone. there's a pl over there to the left.............
that's the end of that. for an example. which, the lamp is on the right, not the left. my back hurts. ack... :( the other
day, i heard the song "this one goes out to the one i love" by r.e.m. exellent song...but, this time, i loved it even
more...i'll post the lyrics. anyone smart, and that knows me personally, can see how they are applying to my life right
now....
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love
Fire (s(he's)) comin' down on her/his own, now)
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
Another prop has occupied my time
This one goes out to the one I love
my interpretation, you ask? ok! ;)
(present) this song explains things about the one that i love now
this song also explains things about the one that i used to love
the one that i used to love, was just someone to occupy my time
but, more important than all of that, is the one i love, and why this explains things about that
(past tense) when in love, sometimes you get burned. the one that i used to love decided that he wasn't so happy anymore,
for no apparent reason
this is what i don't want to happen to the person that i love now
also to the one that i used to love, because that was uncalled for
but i should have spoken up about things bein' shitty, and i should have left first, because i guess i just didn't care as
much as i thought i did
but things aren't like that with the person that i love now
...see? told ya...heh ;) let's see...i think that i was goin' to explain my day today...but, i dont' think that i've got
the time. have to be in bed by 3. so...eh...it's 2:30 right now....GAH! well, i guess i'll have something lengthly for
tomorrow too, aye?
6/15/02
kelly:the name of the band is jimmy eat world. they're pretty good, huh?
mom:jimmy do what?
hehe...my mom...she's so hilarious. she wanted to listen to some techno today, so i played some of the stuff i have. she
liked tainted love redone by marilyn manson techno remix alot. heh. :) glad she liked it. she likes all of this new music.
it's kewl. :) i'm having a good day. i do have to finish cleaning the bathroom..but, that's not really a big deal. heh. i'm
taking one of those extra long breaks right now...hehehe let's see...i need to talk to trina...i haven't talked to her for
a while...and i don't know what's goin' on or anything, so i'm like....ACK!!! lol heh anyway...i'm gonna go read trina's
blog, i think. :)
6/12/02
PISSED OFF...GAH!....i feel like breaking things
as i feel life repeating
all the things i worked for
crumbeling and defeating
add water, i'm dissapointed
let the bad times roll
6/10/02
wow...it's been 5 days since i've blogged. i don't really blog when i'm not feeling mentally well. lol but...that's all
over for now. i've got someone special...and when i'm not around 'em...i go crackers...so...there's the explanation for
that. hmm...mom gave my kitten away. poor little Rasputin. but...i guess i'll get another one when i move out...if possible.
i dont' think i'll name it rasputin though. she was special...though she wasn't here for too long. the people that took her
seemed pretty nice. they didnt' keep her name though...they opted to call her "pooper" ...eh...close enough. lol payin'
mom back this imaginary debt...this sucks...won't be able to get my car now. FUUUUCCCKKK!!! but...if i go on the day that
trina gets here...i should be able to get one...but, i won't have any money left. :( but...ah, such as life. i got my
garden claw the other day. it works quite well in dry soil...but, leaves huge clumps in wet soil...and in soil that has
alot of clay. but, that's alright. i didnt' expect it to work as well as it does on the weeds. just got to claw the whole
area, then rake up the weeds. not too shabby :) ahaha ahahaha...bleed american-jimmy eat world... :D cha
6/6/02
the night before last...went up to amy's. i hadn't been up there in a while. just been feelin' weird. well, the other
night, we were watchin' tv, then we watched "the animal" (good movie...funny as hell) then, we were gonna smoke a bowl...
she was gonna make one out of aluminum...i was like NOO!! we'll use my bowl! so, i went to get it...and i have a whole bag
of paraphranalia...it's a little book bag. and i brought that over. she just stood there and watched as i pulled all kinds
of shit out of there. i got to my box, which has bong/bowl parts and peices, zig zags, q-tips, exacto knives, tweezers,
screens, the whole bit...and the bowl. she was like "holy fuck!" it was hilarious. cause, i've seen people with alot more
shit than me...i guess they just don't have it all together, or something. i should have put the extender on...that would
have freaked her out. lol she was tellin' me what hers was like. ...she had a zeppelin...and i have the parts to make one...
lol. but, anywhoo...we went out on the porch...cause we didn't want to wake jon up by goin' upstairs...and you should have
seen the hugeass bugs...oh my god. i just about freaked out. seriously. wanna know what's really nasty? the hugest spider
was eating the hugest moth. so...needless to say...we went upstairs. lol we were quiet though...or at least i think we
were...lol we were talkin' about our art, and stuff...and we decided that i would check out some websites for college art
classes...see if i could find lesson plans...assignments, and stuff...so we could do that stuff too...just for fun, of
course. we need to plan a day to draw together. that would be fun :) i'm tired of writing now...and as you can tell...i'm
not freakin' out like yesterday. i still feel some of those things...but...i'm not lettin' 'em get to me, ya know? well,
so long!
6/5/02
All of your dreams and hopes have not materialized and consequently you are unsure of which way to go. This uncertainty has
led to considerable stress but you have sufficient 'strength of mind' to overcome this state of affairs although it will
take some time.
The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your
hopes, dreams and aspirations.
There is a suppressed anxiety which may be the result of an unsatisfactory or discordant personal relationship. This has
led or is leading to unwarranted excess stress and tension. You are angry, uptight and feeling the physical effects of this
anxiety. It is essential that you calm down, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy. It would seem that most of your
stress is a result of an unsatisfactory relationship. You have tried, or are considering the possibility of trying to
restore the love and trust situation - but so far - perhaps to no avail. So the situation is regarded as depressing and
this unhappy state continues to aggravate the situation to a point of complete helplessness.
You are worn out and lack both physical and mental energy. This lack of vitality has created an intolerance for any further
excitement and you feel that you just cannot carry on; but you have been like that many times before and the situation
passed. You again need to get away from it all - even if it is only for a little while. A relaxed body cannot contain a
destructive emotion and the secret for you is to just relax.
You wish to safeguard yourself against criticism or conflict and to embed yourself in a protected situation. You are a
difficult person to relate to and very difficult to please.
6/4/02
i feel sick...and like shit....here's the explanation. everyone can say i love you, but that doesn't mean shit to me. i
don't feel loved by anyone, or anything right now. i hear i love you, but i don't see it. my goddamn cat doesn't even like
me. ya know what? fuck the stupid fuckin' cat. fuck everyone. FUCK YOU ALL
6/3/02
Morning after-Linkin park....get it now, punk....
5/29/2002
today is just as boring as all the rest. yesterday really sucked. i fell asleep in the middle of the day...i didn't have
anything better to do. i was really tired, and really sad. i missed someone alot...but i couldn't talk to him at the time.
unfortunately, he's got a life...lol. ahh...'ish. : / i still miss him. i miss him all the time. i need to find something
to do. RaRRrrRRrrr!
5/28/02
i've had one hell of a busy weekend...let me tell ya. we went to wendy and junior's place. i had a pretty good time. it
ended up raining, which was alright, cause i like the rain. i had gotten in the pool...that was kewl, except for the fact
that tara was there. and i dislike her ever so much. then, today, we went to grandma's. she gave me some yarn...alot of it,
actually, and we helped her and steve take the liner off of the pool, and i helped them put the new steps together. i got a
little bit of sun today too. which is odd...i never get anything less than a full on sunburn. i never just get a reddish
tint like this.usually about three hours after i get the sun, i'll get some blisters...and the peeling and all. ...
interresting...lol. we had lunch over there too. we got to see grandma noaker again. she's alot nicer when she's feeling
well. i hope that she makes it to 100. she wants that more than anything. she's just got a few more months to go until
she's there. :) let's see...oh, pappy steve gave me another mad mad. :) i think it's so kewl of him to save those for me.
hehe. oh...doreen has been sending me email...to the new address, which i've already stopped using. but, anyway, she said
that it was goin' through...bullshit. i got all of that garbage. i deleted it...but i got it. :P after grandma's, we went
to wendy's again. that was great today, cause i actually brought my own suit, and towel. and it really helped that tara
wasn't there...found out why today....wendy told me that tara did something that she shouldn't have while she was there,
and her mom had to yell at her. her dad got pissed at her, that she had to be yelled at, and he slapped her. well...because
of this, wendy told karen that her and tara aren't allowed to come over anymore. yay! karen is alright..but tara is a
little bitch. come to think of it...i don't really like karen either. it's not because of her though...it's because of the
way that mom talks about me around karen. she compares tara to me...that SO FUCKING PISSES ME OFF!!! i called her on it
today, too...i was like...you are so full of shit if you actually think that i acted like that when i was that age. she
said no, you didn't act anything like that. i said....why do you keep telling karen that then? she said that she's just
saying that so that Karen won’t feel bad about her kid. Personally, I don’t think that her child’s behavior should have
anything to do with me, and the way that I’m treated in front of other people. She thinks that she can put me down just
because her friend has a bitch for a daughter.
4/30/02
drive-incubus song of the day. today is very peaceful so far. nothin' much to do. i'm still a little sleepy. i think i'll
get another cup of coffee...my first one got cold after i downed about half of it. i don't have anything to do today,
besides dishes, and make the kid's clean up their shit before mom gets home. was thinking about going outside today...to
get those flowers planted...but, it's cold out again, so, no such luck. i need to go water those though...ahh...it's a bit
nicer today than it has been lately. maybe i will go out and plant those flowers today. :)
4/29/02
toxicity-system of a down song of the day thought of the day...things will progress soon enough quote of the day..."i gave
myself to jesus, and he still hasn't called back" of course, that wasnt' an origional quote. i wouldn't be witty enough to
think of something like that. but, i did find it to be quite entertaining. activity of the day: getting my isis catalog...
full of mystical "black majik" bullshit that i love so much loathed moment of the day: big meanies. i had some left over
brocolli. that was good. i have a headache, and my neck is really stiff. i need a massage, or something >.< hehehe...i like
those little squinty eyes...trina came up with those, actually. {{HEADACHE}} i've had one for alot of days now...it will
just last all day. sometimes it will go away after a while...but...owwie. i tried to draw today...no luck...whatever it
is...somekind of wild person, or whatever, holding a huge crown over his head...it's supposed to represent the fact that
no matter how high up you are on the social ladder...everyone is still a primal beast somwehere deep down...but, it looks
retarded. shit. i have stuff to do today which i don't want to do today...or any other one, to be exact. all i want to do i
get a shower, one of those long ones, and when you get out, everything is dripping with steam, and your skin is an odd
shade of red from the hot water...this could sound painful to some people, i guess...but...man, you just feel so relaxed
after that. my god, now my back hurts...what next? i'll tell you...my nose will get stuffy, my ears will hurt, i'll get a
sinus headache along with this regular one, my stomach will start to hurt, my jaw will hurt, due to my wisdom teeth, which
will then make my tongue, and my cheek hurt, and then my ass will hurt...cause someone needs to kick me there to get me to
quit complaining about everything. Pff. :P
4/27/02
hmm...the past few days have been rather good. i've actually started to feel good during the day instead of "alright"
...HAPPY! :) yadda yadda...i have to go work on the art site, and the insane asylum...ta ta!
4/25/02
well...last night i went to amy's. we had a splendid old time...had a beer, had some smoke...and was later notified that it
was laced with angel dust...i was like...oh, shit. i never did that before. when i got home, i was messed up. i went to get
online, and i was talkin' to a few different people. my speech wasn't right...i kept misspelling all kinds of things. i saw
my computer monitor melt, and a few other things that i can't remember ecactly what they were. amy and john put the
blacklight on, and they were showing me all of their drawings, and stuff. kickass. :) didn't have a chance to write on the
23'rd...i decided to get into contact with an old friend of mine...and things are kewl with all that. :)
4/23/02
just got home from amy's about 15 minutes ago. we watched a movie. it was fun :) it's 4am my time...i'm talkin' to
albert...aka:"john from york"...that's what i've been calling him since i was goin' with john from nc...but, i guess
john from york can be regular john now. how about that! anyway, here's a transcript...hehehe......k5 me, On would be
him....
On: sometimes i poop my pants
K5: i hope you keep extra undies with you.
On: what r undies for?
K5: basically to catch poopie so it doesn't get on your pants.
On: what pants?
K5: dogs that are too hot, and they need to cool off.
On: so wheres ur friend at she lied she said she was gonna send me more pixx..
K5: she's busy lately. she had to go in to work tonight around 10:20, and she's been having trouble sleeping.
K5: she hasn't been herself lately, because of lack of sleep
On: yah herpes will do that
K5: yah...she prolly caught it from my cousin. :-X
Orkenbjorken: probably and they caught it from u
K5: yah, i'm a disease bag, not to metion my whoring escepades with the same sex, and relatives.
K5: mention*
Orkenbjorken: thats hot
K5: yup, except for the itching, and all.
On: true
K5: and the unsightly pus filled boils...but that's only every other day.
K5: so, how have your herpes been? seen yo baby's momma lately?
On: which one?
K5: martha...you remember martha, don't you? with the few extra toes?
K5: oh, and those hairy moles around her lips.
On: man im horny.. stop it now
On: haha
K5: lol! so, you like martha, with the extra toes, and the moles, and such? heh
On: mmhmmm
K5: well, you should give her a call...i'm sure that your kid, peanuts inpoop will want to see mommy again.
On: true
K5: i heard that she donated a few of her extra toes to some dude that lost a few of his in 'nam.
On: heh yah i think so.. shes always thinking with her heart
K5: you do know that she had to have that heart transplant, right? she's got a babboons heart now...just like in that
movie.
On: oooo thats so cute
K5: yeah...everyone always said that she looked like a baboon, now she can look like one on the inside too.
On: hehe too true
K5: ag day is on...oooo
On: oooo
K5: yes, a completely explosive example of the great programming on at this hour.
K5: well, i'm gonna go to bed now...and try not to have nightmares about martha
On: heh okee see ya later
K5: oy!
that's it for now...prolly another post a little later...sometime other than 4 am...cha!
4/22/02
Wait And Bleed-Slipknot...Song Of The Day
well well well...it's been an alright day so far. i found some of my old aim names. i can't beleive that i had so many.
i'm gonna start using all of them again. i miss being "different" lol. i'm thinking about cutting my hair again...trying
to stop myself from that, cause i know that i'll regret it. well, i have all of trina's trip planned. :D i have to read the
latest entry in trina's blog. i've been thinking about john alot today. like the complete impossibility that he could have
broken up with me...it just doesn't seem right to me, and things just don't add up...about 3-4 months ago, things stopped
adding up. it's been giving me a headache today. i really wish that i could stop thinking about it...the complete "UGH" of
it all. like, what did i do, ya know? i didn't even get a chance to ask. i was thinking about matt alot for a few days, ya
know...but, i guess that it's just better that we be friends with minimal benefits for now, you know, only flirting, and
such. i am going to see him in july, trina is coming along with me. i hope that we don't get lost on the way there. the
jersey tunpike, i've heard is a bitch...along with something else that i can't recall the name for...somekind of
"turnpike-ish" thing. somekind of ...bird...falcon...no, vulture...no...shit. mom's always telling me about it. ....i just
saw my neighbor going down the street on a bacco...okay.... ~: /
4/21/02
well, 4:20 was uneventful. i smoked a bong with amy, hung out a bit, and came home. just another day. i don't think that
this me and m thing is going to work. i dont' know...it just doesn't seem like he's too interrested in being in a
relationship...which, all i want right now is someone to get along with, ya know? a good friend, with some added benefits.
i don't want something that i feel obligated to. of course, i wouldn't want him to be dating anyone else at the time, but
i wouldn't be doing that either, ya know? ugh.
4/20/02
i just smooshed a bug on the monitor...i have a candle lit...so it's attracting all of the little buggies. hehehe. let's
see...i have all of trina and i's plans worked out. had to take out most of the funny named places...kept intercourse
though, cause that's the best one :D lol there was another trip that i was contemplating...but...what the hell ever. not
even talking about that fuck anymore. my god...i feel great. i feel free of worry, and i
asked m out today....and we talked about that for a while...my god...wouldn't that be kewl? he's normal in all of the
ways that i like guys to be normal, and completely freaky in all of the acceptable ways. :D well...i don't know what's goin'
on for now...but...shit, things
are good as far as i can tell...i need some clean laundry.
4/17/02
oh boy...i thought this day started good...well, we had a change in plans...mid afternoon, there was a small "probelm" but,
for now...i guess i got what i was thinking about making happen...life singular. yeah...it's kinda hard...but...maybe i'm
just not meant to be in a relationship...i guess i don't like being too serious...within the past month i've realized that
i don't want to be held down by commitment, and i never want to get married, and have kids. i'm not bitter...a little angry
about the way it all had to go down, but...i guess some guys just aren't real men, and some women who just don't know how
to be a real woman. i the mean time...i'll eventually find a nice lad...heheh...perhaps find someone just as a friend for
now...don't want to rush into a sexual relationship...cause that's just wouldn't be "right" for me just yet....in a few
weeks or so, maybe. a nice, real man, ...who enjoys getting semi-wasted every now and again
and other miscellaneous bullshit :D CHA! i know that this entry is quite blunt, and to the point...i've been trying to
improve myself...to just...get right to things, not beat around the bush. in this relationship, i basically did nothing
but. so, if for any reason, you, j, kept this link i gave you...and you're reading this now...thanks for the good
times...even the bad ones...you taught me a few things, and i may have taught you some too. all together, it was good,
and i wouldn't trade my memories of it for the world...it's life...it's part of mine...and now i'm on my way to my next
chapter. thank you for making me feel all of those wonderful emotions of loving, and caring for another as i did for you...
sorry it had to end so soon though...the only thing i would change is that maybe you wouldn't have gone about it as you
did. good luck with everything you do, take care of yourself, and be careful.
4/16/02
so fucking what! hehehe...i love this song....pea by the red hot chilli peppers :D good song. my fav. part..."i'm a
pacifist, so i can fuck your shit up" lol toxicity by system of a down...MY FAVORITE BAND! and sugar by SOAD!!! chop suey
by SOAD!!! KICK ASS!!! and eva...by orgy. :D and getting some dishes done, drinking a cup of coffe, taking a break now.
(don't you love how i just cut into a new subject right in the middle of a thought??? hehee) forcing the kids to clean up
a bit. steven was being an ass this morning. i hate him when he acts like that...don't worry, i'm allowed to say these
things, he's my brother, not my son! :P gettin' smoked in the afternoon is not a good diea for me, unless i smoke ALOT.
it will give me energy, but...yesterday, took about 4 bongs with amy...my god. it knocked me on my ass. really. put me in
a great mood for a bit, then i got really tired, so i layed down for a little while. didn't go to sleep, just chilled.
then, when i decided that it was safe to get up...i was so crabby. i was just a completely different person...even than
i was before i smoked. before i smoked, i was in a good mood. then...i smoked, got absolutely estatic, and then my buzz
crashed, and i felt like hell. :( that REALLY sucked! remind me not to smoke in the afternoon and when i'm in a good
mood...that really backfired on me, let me tell you what. saw a van full of guys at rutter's last night. one of them
looked like j, or it could have (and most likely was ) my imagination. i miss him so much. some days i can't stop for
anything, and can't think about anyhing or anyone else. : / it's irritating to think about him all of the time when he's
not here. i can't say that it's thinking out of worry. i know he's a big boy, and he's fine. but, just thinking about him
out of curiosity. like, hmm, i wonder what he's up to, or what he's thinking, if his day went alright. eww...i hate this
song... :X i really have to take some of those madonna songs off my computer. lol but, anyway...i just really miss him...
and the things that come along with a live- in boyfriend...if ya get my drift.... :) KELLY NEEDS SOME LOVIN' TOO!!!!
hehehehe. i've been a horny toad for the past MONTH! i can't think of much more than that.
4/14/02
it's been three days since i've logged in...though it feels like forever. i still haven't bothered doing those dishes...
the stack is getting huge. but, i can't say that i really care, until mom starts throwing a fit about it. i do have to
get those done soon though....i just have to. the kid's dad brought some toys for them. he always gets more for tink than
he does for steven. i think that's really rude, and mean. mom's home from her date already! yay!! maybe amy and i will be
able to go do what we need to do afterall. i'm wearing my hair all up and weird today, with a white shirt, and a dark blue
bra...which, you can see through the shirt, and a pair of khaki cut off jean shorts. trina is always saying that she's
ugly, and all this...WHY LORD, WHY?!!?!? she's really pretty, and sometimes i wish i looked like her. but, she doesn't
think she's pretty at all. it makes me sad really. she needs to start realizing how pretty she is, or no one else is going
to think that she is pretty, ya know? i just don't know what to say to her anymore about it. i tell her that she's pretty,
and all that, but...i don't think that she beleives me. lol. when i'm down on myself, she trys to pick me up too...and it
usually works. unless i'm feeling particularly ugly that day. : / i hate to feel like that. but, all i have to do to make
myself feel better usually is so simple...i get a shower, get dressed, brush my hair, and teeth, put on a little make up,
and my earrings, and i'm set. i feel great after that. i always feel so much prettier after i just...bathe. lol. odd, i
think. but, that's me. lol alot of stuff happened yesterday that i'd rather not talk about. oh, that stupid b guy is
beginning to anger me once again. god, can't he leave me alone?
4/10/02
this will be the fourth time i've logged in today. prepairing each time to actually add an entry. well, it seems that after
i sign in, i see a blog that i want to read, so i go read some of it. then, i've compltely defeated the purpose of logging
into my blog. there are alot of really nice blogs. i have to say that every one of them that i've read so far is very
interresting, and very well written. just today i've found some people that are alot like myself. i'd really enjoy getting
to know them. though, they don't have their names posted on their blogs...like, screen names, and what not. you know what i
mean! spent some time outside today. tried to fix up some things. the lawn was almost done being mowed when i went out.
that was nice. :) i planted some morning glories. they're pretty. took care of some other things. talked to amy about the
yard. we're going to go to pap's this weekend, to make sure that our plans for everything are ok. then, if he thinks that
they're good, we're gonna hopefully get some cash off of him, and go get everything that we need for our project. i really
hope that he likes the plans that i drew up. every time i try to transplant those purple flowers, i kill them. it's sad,
though they don't match anything. the roni size remix of sarah mclachlan's song "sweet surrender" is tight.
4/9/02
i went to amy's last night... :D it was cool. had a beer and a few bongs. watched a few movies. didn't really talk much...i
think her boyfriend was doing enough talking for everyone. : / what a motormouth. bla bla bla. : / if there's anyone that
i'd have to point out in particular that i don't want my man to be like...amy's man would have
to be the one! UGH! he's SO annoying! but, my man isn't like that :) i feel like i really caught a winner, ya know? i
never honestly thought that before about any of the guys that i've dated. i've counted it up rescently...there have been
quite a few :O but, they were all assholes. examples:1...after seeing that some of his friends/ family didn't really
think i was as great as he did, he decided that he'd rather just make them happy. 2...we were in "puppy love" when we were
younger, tried again when we got older. though he was nice on holidays...he
didn't really talk at any other time. i think he was doing the "buying love" thing. that was sad. let's see, after that,
in some order was 3... we went together for a while, but...we were better off as friends. we were always high
when we were together, and almost ended up doing some stupid things. he wasn't really a talker either...more like the
"yeah, ummhmm" type...don't like that. there was 4...he was ok at first, but then, he started getting really big
into partying...i mean, i party too, but, he didn't want to comprehend that...he never wanted me to be with him when he'd
go to his friend's house to smoke up or whatever. kind of just leave me behind. that wasn't cool...and he was really
short... : / 5 was a little bit on the psycho side...he belived in somekind of black majik shit. : / he also told
everyone that we were gettin' freaky when we weren't...i hadn't even kissed him...glad i didn't. there was also undisclosed
name, and undisclosed informations surrounding that...which we will not go there...lol... there was 6. he was really
cool...but, after a while, we realized that we weren't really interrested in eachother like that... then there was 7....a
little too mentally disturbed for me. i constantly felt like i was trying to pull him out of a depression, and that wasn't
fun for me. 8...he was very mentally disturbed. controling, stupid, fast to get a temper, too full of himself at times...
it was just a front though. he was really unbalanced. something inside of me wishes for him, almost a praying that he will
eventually see how he is, and get some help. and i beleive that's pretty much it. i could be missing one or two. hey,
don't think of me like that! i'm not a ho, or a player...you just don't understand...just things went bad, that's all. and
i didn't do anything with any of those dudes. just little stuff that doesn't even matter. even then, i will have to plea
momentary lapse of sanity. but ...i'm sane now. hehehehe ;) today was...blah. oh, but things with my man and i are improving.
:D i'm so happy. i'd be happier if he were here...but, everything in due time. talked to trina a little today. that was
cool. talking to m right now...what a freak ;) didn't get anything outside done today. it rained. :( well, i think that's
my curtain call!
p.s....last night when i was up at amy's...amy and i were upstairs, and she asked john if he needed anything...i said
"yeah, a brain transplant!" she laughed her ass off :D so did i. lol
4/6/02
well, the past few days have been nothing short of hell. problems again which... i don't even want to go there. i
don't know what to do anymore, ya know? i've been...well, i said that i didn't want to go there. anyway, i got to talk to
trina last night. she was finally online, and she asked if she could call. what was i gonna do...say no?? HA! so, she
called, and we talked for a while. that was good. i talked about everything that's been goin' on, and thank god for best
friends...she didn't seem like she was getting pissed at me for talking about it so much, or complaining too much, or
anything ...thank you trina :) no wonder it feels like you're my big sister...you help me through shit like this and really
make me feel better. thanks for lettin' me speak my mind, and not getting fed up with my bitching. ::hugs::
4/1/02
let's see here...last night, i went to amy's...FUN! i polished off the last of the vodka, smoked a little green out of
little red lol drank some jim beam in hawaiian punch...tasty. played some cards, shot some pool, watched some movies,
listened to some cd's, and a little radio, loked at some old pics, talked to some of amy's b/f's friends. accidentally
locked us out of the house. luckilly, the other door was unlocked. then, yesterday, we went to grandma brenneman's for
easter dinner. not too shabby. i thought that everyone was going to be pissed at me, but they repressed themselves. :D
little david was there. i think we have the same haircut...lol 'cept his is LONGER than mine! i saw mandy, too....i don't
look like her!!! my eyes are prettier! LOL! aunt loretta looks really nice, she lost alot of weight. :D YAY!!! good goin'
Retta! grandma was kewl. the dogs were crazy, tiff was peein' all over the floor, and stuff. lol. kitty kitty was in hiding
for most of the day. steven was in the basement most of the time, playing the super nintendo, and various other things down
there. pappy steve gave me a book (the new steven king) and a mad. best mad i've seen in a while, actually. i dressed up
really nice, and everyone said that i looked really pretty :D let's see...the ham was the best we've ever had, the
scalloped potatoes were a little off, due to the lack of onion, i gag at the appearance of sweet potatoes, but i'm sure
that if i did like them, that those would have been great. the caramel apple cheesecake was kickass. i didn't try the
coconut cake though. it was raining for a little bit while we were there. that sucked, having to go outside, in the rain to
smoke. :( little david smokes...or did. his parents found out, and now he's not allowed to. he's not allowed to have any
caffein either. apparently, he had some seizures after the accident, so he's on meds for that now too. shit, what else?
there was so much! pappy steve took some pictures. he actaully took one of me. :O i looked alright. no complaints about
that one. i was standing by the door, and he caught me. lol. we all had a really good time. :D the kids even got some
easter junk, and i got to watch some cable tv. caught pappy steve watching a "rockumentary" on vh1...about ....now, brace
yourselves, people...SNOOP DOGG!!! LOL! so, i snuck in, and watched it too. then, one on aaliyah came on...i think i
misspelled that, but i watched that too :D i love that new song on the radio i don't know who it's by, but it's a guy
singing, and he says something like "hey man, i really like your daughter i want to eat her like ice cream...she's not
bad, she just likes to get her fuck on..." LMFAO! I LOOOOOOVE THAT SONG!!!! AHHH!! LOL! :D seinfeld is on now...i love
seinfeld, so, i gots to goooo! Cha Cha!
2/28/02
let's see...my mom has a hernia. she has to go in for an opperation soon. little david is going through rehab for what
happened. they say that he'll end up being a "disfunctional adult", and he'll never be the same. my back hurts. my mom
has "something" wrong with her breast, which will be getting a thorough check shortly. i went for an hour long drive today,
and did quite well. i have alot of cleaning to do today. :O i've been neglecting my duties somewhat. i have to bathe the
kids, call my grandmother back about "lostmoney.com", talk to my grandfather, and an assortment of other things. i guess i
should get started! bye for now!
2/22/02
the past few days have been full of worry...for my cousin, david. whatever, or whoever is up there, watching over us...
please save my cousin.
it all started a few nights ago, when david was in a car accident. he was in the car with three other kids. he was sitting
on the right hand passenger side. collisions usually occure in the front, or back, but the person that wrecked into them
had direct contact with where david was sitting. david has a few broken ribs, bleeding on the brain, a broken arm, and
punctured lungs. no one else in the car sustained injuries. as far as i've been notified, this incident had nothing to do
with alcohol, or drug use, speeding, or not wearing a seat belt. since it happened, he's been unconcious, until today. his
eyes were moving a little, and he's able to move his hands, and feet. i hope that from here on out, everything will be
alright. if you are reading this, please pray for my cousin~David Scott. [We love you, David!]
2/20/02
ahh...i've just commited video game suicide. poor spyro. can someone tell me why little sparks come off of him when he
lands in water? like he's an electric dragon? eh, whatever. he's dead, and i'm so sad....(cause i have no memory card, and
i rescued 15 dragons in one sitting.) but...i couldn't find my way out of the place where the bulls and chickens are. oh
well. oh, by the way, things with john and i are back to normal, and everything is fine. he even thought to call me while
he was out running around today (i love it when he does things like that...that lets me know that he really is thinking
about me at the strangest of times. :) let's see...i almost killed my family while out for a driving lesson today. i wasn't
ready to be pulling out of the driveway yet. i was getting freaked out just sitting in the driveway, and letting the car
warm up..and thinking about it. it was a minor disaster...but, we just almost had an accident, it didn't actually happen,
just almost, so...i guess i did alright. we were out for about one hour today. i asked mom "how would you rate today's
driving ...between a 0-10 she gave me a 6. in my mind, before she answered, i was thinking...she better give me a six...so
what if i almost killed all of us, i did pretty good on those other roads. anyway, then i asked her what i would have
gotten if the pulling out of the driveway incident wouldn't have happened...she gave me a 9...wow. only 2 weeks driving
experiance, and she gave me a nine...(almost...not including the driveway ordeal) so, i think i did pretty well. or maybe
she just said that to shut me up...yes, i think that's it. she doesn't seem to like it when i question her about how well
or how shitty i did. i just want the truth, i don't want her to lie just to shut me up. when i have kids, and i have to
teach them to drive, i'm not going to be like her...AT ALL!! she makes me nervous. if she wasn't in the car, or if she
would just trust me to do a good job, i would do so much better, but i feel like i have to earn her trust...trust has been
a big problem during the past few months...receiving it, and giving it. that has been an issue from alot of points. well...
that's going to change, and as my "mystical" tarot cards say...the changes are already in motion...and i beleive that is
what's happening...yes...life is getting better as i try to understand people more. yes,...life is good. :)
2/17/02
it's times like these when i can't organize a thought for crap, but i have a strage feeling of just wanting to get
everything possible out in the open. though i'm quite sure that my fingers aren't cooperating with my brain in the manor
that they should be...because i'm typing like a four year old. ...well, not that bad, just really slow. i will first try to
organize these thoughts zooming around.
first, we will start with my day. it was, as always, pretty damn boring. i was awakened at 12 pm...and absolutely sickening
hour for someone who had only begun slumber at 5:30 am. with my emotional upset, even 15 hours of sleep wouldn't have
filled the bill. but, i hiked my lazy butt down the steps, and thought to myself, just as i do every other morning...why
did my mother have to wake me up right now? she doesn't need me to be up...so what's the beef? though, i know exactly what
the beef is, every single morning...she needs someone to talk to. someone to keep her company. i'm kind of glad that i was
recruited for the job, though it can be a pain. anyway, the first thing that came to mind to open my yap about...my
problems. my never ending problems. at least this time, it was one of the problems of mine that is least occuring...ones
of the relationship sort. i proceeded to get into an emotionally loaded conversation with mom. i then decided to take a
nap. yet again, mom wakes me from my peaceful slumber (where in i was
dreaming the most pleasent of dreams. i was in a disturbed state of
wearyness, and mom calls me..."kelly, come read this!" she went on to read me the conversation as i was leaning over her
shoulder. after the convo
was read...i tried to understand it all...what can i do to fix this? i can't run away again. i can't keep running from all
of my problems. i know that we can get through it all if we try...if i
try. [checks on hour long download of phat trance 5...and wonders why the damn thing stopped last time, when it was only
30% away from being done?] i soon returned to the living room, ...to sulk. at which time, i was thinking...i need to escape
from this...i need to smoke, i need to drink, i need to get out of here, i need to hang out with friends,
i need to party, and if not any of those, i need to drive, and talk with derek. he usually always helps. but...mom was
online, so i couldn't call, and i didn't want to disturb anyone so late. so...i sulked a little more. ate a slice of pizza
that i really didn't even want...realized that if i smelled it for one more minute that i was going to puke on it...so i
made my pilgrimage to the trash can, and threw it out...it was shitty pizza anyway. : / i, yet again returned to the living
room...with a pepsi in my hand, and watched some little kiddie movies with the sibs. after speaking to mom at length about
all of this...for what i hope will be the last time...i needed another nap. lol. so...i felt like i would start crying at
any moment. so, i layed down on the couch, burried my face into a cushion...and i couldn't cry. was it the fact that i knew
it would leave a spot on the plush leather? was it because i realized that no more than a week or two ago, he was sitting
in that exact spot where my face was, and i could distictly smell his cologne on the cushion...remind me to ask him if the
purposly puts cologne on his pants...lol. but...i was really itching to get online, to give him, yet another emotionally
loaded peice of my mind. after a movie, i was in a slightly better mood. and, with the help of kimberly (my little princess
sister. lol) she just wanted to make me feel better. we don't really talk about it when i'm having problems...i mean, come
on, she's only 5. but...she looks in my eyes, and i look in hers...and it's like we really have a deeper understanding of
what's going on. something more than words can say. she gave me a hug, and a few kisses, and though i didn't feel like i
wanted to hold her, i did...cause i damn well knew that she was going to climb up on me anyway. i let her sit there. i let
her look in my eyes...and see that my mind isn't in the best condition right now. she never just looks away when something
is bothering me. she'll give me a hug, and tell me that she loves me. or that i'm her "bestest" sister ever. lol. when i am
just annoyed at something...she knows it...she'll look away, to the tv, and hop down. usually not saying anything...like
her help isn't needed. lol. what a great kid, huh? once mom finally got offline, i was more bored than a plank of pine,
so i jumped at the chance to sign on. [i'm a compu-junkie...what do you expect!?!?!?] i proceeded to talk to mom again
about my problem. what should i say to him? silence for a while, after the same old things were passed back and forth.
then, i came up with it, and hoped that it wasn't a passing thought. i have to understand why this bothers him before i
can fix it. before i can possibly realize how big a problem it really is. and i did. i put myself there...and it hurt. i
wish i could have realized before. he must think i'm horrible. i hope that i explained myself well enough in my last email
to him. i hope that things will get better, and i will get better....everything will be better...right?
2/15/02
ah, the sweet smell of a new dwelling....well, i can almost smell it. lol. i haven't been to see it yet, or even know which
one we will be moving into. all i know is that...i enjoy moving around every now and then. it gives me a new experiance, ya
know? i think that the reason that i'm so nomadic is that i'm part Romanian (Gypsy). i'm proud to be german (despite hitler)
irish
(despite the temper) dutch (despite the boring lifestyle they lead) welsh (despite...well, i'm sure there is something the
matter with that, too) indian (despite the fact that i'm not enough indian :( ) and gypsy (despite the bad rep) i'm a euro-
mutt, for the most part. :) i have dishes to do later...shoot me.
2/6/02
oh lord...shoot me now! today so sucked. it's only 4:10 (my time...PA, USA) oh well. first...there's millions of dishes to
do, and i, being full of stupidity, accepted a bribe. i get a 30.00 pair of boots, in trade for doing the dishes. it's
really a bargain, but...i just hate doing dishes so much. they're even more disgusting than usual too. note....don't make
chocolate pudding in a pan, on the stove, unless you like that gross skin stuff, and when you decide that it looks just a
little too chunky to eat, because of trying to mix the old pudding skin into the good pudding....don't let that pudding sit
on the kitchen counter for a week before you decide to do dishes. i almost puked, and now that i think about it...i feel
like i may puke again....EWWW! i wanted mom to let me use the new vac today....she wouldn't let me use
it until she did. what was that about?!?! today has to be one of the most boring days of my life. i swear...it's
like watching grass grow...but not nearly as exciting.
note:i now know why she wouldn't let me use it...i just got done using it...and i broke it. well, kind of. she fixed it,
cause it wasn't really broke, just shoddy. they didn't even have the hose screwed in right. : /
2/5/02
i can't say that today went as planned. i planned that i would be the most grateful woman in the world by 9pm tonight. not
so. as you know, things can take an unexpected turn for the worse. oh, did they ever. i must have done some pretty awful
things in a past life, because my karma doesn't seem to be working as well as i once thought. now i'm left depressed.
chocolate and alcohol are helping a little ...hershy's and schnapps...beautiful. i've also got a raging toothache...wisdom
teeth suck. on a brighter note, i finally got my permit today, and i also got a new pair of shoes.
2/4/02
so, today is feb. 4, 2002. i was supposed to go get my learner's permit today...but the dmv isn't open on mondays. wish i
would have known that three weeks ago. now i'm sad. but, at least i have a nice new place to write about it at. i cut my
little brother's hair today. it looks nice. even i was surprised by the results. i tried to cut my little sister's hair,
but she wanted nothing to do with it. i agreed...she does look really nice with the last cut i gave her. it gets messy so
fast though. i wonder what my hair would look like if it were actually in a nice looking style. a long style, maybe. in the
words of kimberly "well, you never know!" she's adorable. my mom was going to get back together with her ex husband. if she
would have, i would have lost my babysitting job, because he would be watching them. i was devistated when i heard the
news. when it fell through, i was joyus. this guy was a major jerk anyway. i'm glad that my grandmother threw a hissy fit
when she found out. if not for her, he would be here. ick.
