Superman's Baby A Super Bastard
Fortress of Solitude, Polar Ice Caps Ė Superman shocked the world when he announced a hiatus in the services he provided to the world in order to raise his newly born child. Two years later he has agreed to the first interview since his critics claim he Ďabandoned Metropolisí.
Daily Metropolis: Hey Superman, thanks again for accepting this interview.
Superman: Sure, no problem. Honestly, Iím looking forward to some company besides Damien over there.
DM: Sounds wonderful, so howís fatherhood? Is it all you thought it would be?
SM: Actually itís just about the complete opposite. I know itís supposed to be magical and all that shit, but this is no ordinary child I have on my super-empowered hands. Little foonugget destroys property like Godzilla.
DM: So I take it heís a bit more of a handful than ordinary children?
SM: Well, you know the puppy eyes kids give their idiot parents to get more stuff? He tried it on me once, burned a hole in my damn xbox. How the hell am I supposed to play Halo on something thatís melted together like the macaroni and cheese we eat nightly? Another thing, itís impossible to baby-proof this place. Those cutesy little baby locks and outlet plugs donít mean a thing when the kid can punch a whole into the cabinet. Thatís solid mahogany, do you know how much it cost me? Letís just say I had to work an ass-load of shifts at that crock Daily Planet place to buy them.
DM: Whereís the childís mother in all of this?
SM: She wants nothing to do with us. Frankly, I canít really blame her. Childbirth was like that scene from Aliens, you know the one.
DM: Have you looked into any care solutions? Preschool, day care, nannies?
SM: Oh well thatís peachy, why donít you get a little brat of your own and then think about giving me advice. Anyway, yes Iíve looked into day prisons for the little monster. He got kicked out of the only preschool I ever enrolled him in after he put a teacher in intensive care with a pot shot of projectile vomit. Just because the outside of him is steel doesnít mean the inside is.
DM: Oh, sorry about all of that. Thatís just about it for the questions, thanks for your time.
SM: Whatís your hurry? Donít go so soon. I havenít slept in 97 hours and heís completely trashed my fortress. Would you consider taking him for an afternoon? Go out and get a kryptonite tether or something, anything. It wonít kill him, believe me, heís a resilient little tyke. Damnit, I need some me time.