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Hello! welcome to Jack Druggan's new look website! I'm from Noo Zealand, and love to play ball. Also, i'm interested in improving my HTML. If you help, give us a bell!!! I'm providing all sorts of funnies and societal intricacies for your edification! Below the following links is are a few great satires from another's pen. Also thesr'es the king of Brentfors'd testament in there somewhere too! acting acting Library Library Music Library CV CV Menu menu limericks limericks garden garden blank blank films movies books books Hamilton yoga Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ~~~~~ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. Next time you wave, use all your fingers. The only perfect science is hindsight. He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly. A procrastinator's work is never done. My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician. Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights. A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight. I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one. AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes. If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns. I was the next door kid's imaginary friend. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. Man: So, wanna go back to my place ? Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number? Woman: It's in the phone book. Man: But I don't know your name. Woman: That's in the phone book too. Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: What sign were you born under? Woman: No Parking. > 1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because its two-tired. > > 2. What's the definition of a will ? (It's a dead giveaway ) > > 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. > > 4. A backward poet writes inverse. > > 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count > that votes. > > 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off . > > 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. > > 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. If you then pay > them > you get dispossessed. > > 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. > > 10 Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat > minor. > > 11 .When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. > > 12. The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered. > > 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum > Blownapart. > > 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. > > 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. > > 16 .He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. > > 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. > > 18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. > > 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. > > 20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. > > 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. > > 22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium > at > large. > > 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. > > 24 Once you've seen one shopping mall you've seen them a mall. > > 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. > > 26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd > dye. > > 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. > > 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. > > 29.Acupuncture is a jab well done. > > 30.Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. Helpful tips > > 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. > > 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. > > 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. > > 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. > > 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. > > 6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. > > 7. Honk if you love peace and quiet. > > 8. He who laughs last thinks slowest. > > 9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the > cheese. > > 10. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. > > 11. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. > > 12. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. > > 13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. > > 14. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. > > 15. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! > > 16. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. > > 17. OK, so what's the speed of dark? > > 18. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? > > 19. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked > something. > > 20. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. > > 21. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. > > 22. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. > > 23. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? > > 24. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > > 25. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? > > 26. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? > > 27. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what > happened!? > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who run in front of car get tired. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who run behind car get exhausted. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man with one chopstick go hungry. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Man who fart in church sit in own pew. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Crowded elevator smell different to midget. > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
