Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
Life in a vacuum sucks
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Conserve energy... fart in a jar
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!
Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest.
Quick, call a witch doctor! My witch is sick.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the Simpsons.
Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2.
For Sale: Taliban rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Dont hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
You can't scare me. I drive a school bus!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.
Smile, everyone loves a moron.
My family puts the "fun" back in dysFUNctional.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!
My computer NEVER cras...DOH!.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield..
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
Drunk!...naught me - I'm Serfectly Pober Occifer!
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it!
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress!
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person!
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
The two most dangerous things in the world: A Pollock with a computer and a programmer with a screwdriver.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is it possible to be a closet claustrophobic?
Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent!
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about.
A friend in need is a pest indeed!
My mother: A travel agent for guilt trips.
!Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Eat american lamb...ten million coyotes can't be wrong!
Not all men are fools...some are bachelors!
No matter where you go, there you are. Huh?
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right!
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Computer Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in!
Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector.
Penalty for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law. OUCH!
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap!
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work!
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet..
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back!
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking!
In the immortal words of an art history major: Do ya want fries with that?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald
Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.