Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Don't use a big word where a small one will suffice.

Forget world peace... visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how bout a foundation of "smart"?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

Marriage is Grand...Divorce is 20 Grand...

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

Optimist: A YUGO owner.

43% of all statistics are useless.

I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

Love: two vowels, two constanents, two fools

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist