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Bears 502 - God 1
While not a possible score, the Bears sympathetic and fearing being smithed, issued God a mercy point.
For showing mercy to the almighty, Brian Urlacher was ordained a Saint, Devin Hester taught the virtue of patience and Rex Grossman was given his wings.
After the game, Jesus - formerly God's second string quarterback - stepped out onto the turf.
Ironically, Jesus made only one previous game appearance in which he was allowed onto the field and resulted in him completing a game winning hail Mary to God's former favorite receiver, (let's just say that they had a falling out) Lucifer.
Jesus - always with the sense of humor that guy - was benched (he built it) the next week for turning Peyton Manning's great-great-great (six more greats) Grandfather into a leper in the 21AD divisional playoff held in Babylon. Manning Sr lost three fingers in the game and fumbled 26 times but was later cured and a formal apology issued.
Team God faced the Romans in the Championship game the following week and seemed to be a lock for the title. But Jesus sat the bench again. Frustrated and restless at not being allowed to play, his mind wandered and he had a revelation. He tried to resist the idea but was more bored than the when he spent 40 days alone in the desert. No longer able hold back, he gave into tempation, turned the gatorade into wine, and single handedly lost the 21 AD Championship game without ever stepping onto the field.
Jesus, seen only once more, disappeared shortly after the media verbally crucified him for causing the entire team to get inebriated and give up 49 consecutive points in the second half.
Some doubt that Jesus would have done such a thing and claim that Judas - the teams third sting kicker - was jealous of Jesus, switched out the coolers and fingered Jesus as the prankster. It was easy to believe after footage was leaked to the press of Jesus walking on water. His faithful fans never lost hope that he would return.
Half of the crowd rose to their feet and cheered at seeing him, the other half either didn't care or didn't believe that it was actually him.
Jesus helped his battered father limp off of the field but quickly returned to offer congratulations to the Bears. Being the humble person he is and showing his passion for the game, Jesus first offered his best wishes to Lovie, who responded by inviting Jesus and his family to the after game media dinner. Jesus accepted.
That night at dinner, Jesus sat centered between the Bears Offensive and Defensive lines. The entire team sat on one side of the table and answered questions from the press while they waited for their food to arrive. Outside, the sound of screeching tires did nothing to take away from the excitement of the moment. Jesus was practically glowing at being so in the moment. Gould placed his hand on Jesus shoulder and noticed that he was bleeding. The sound caught up to the recognition, first the crack of a gun shot, then glass breaking, then the deflating sound of air being released as the bullet penetrated Jesus' lung. The media screamed and shot pictures of Christ dying at the table.
The headlines the following morning read, "Christ's Last Supper". The article continued from the front page and on page three, the shooter was identified as Eli Manning. Apparently, Eli had been pulled over only moments after the shooting, caught driving Tank Johnson's Escalade. Eli admitted to stealing the vehicle but hadn't meant to shoot Jesus.
When questioned Eli stated that he had found several handguns in the vehicle and was only aiming at the Bears for fun. Yes, he is angry at Christ for what he had done to his Grandfather but he had never meant to pull the trigger and was never actually aiming the gun at Jesus. The paper quoted Eli's final statement.
"I was stealing the car but as a joke. Tank and I have been fu**ing with eachother all season. At first I didn't think the gun was real and I took aim for fun. I was actually aiming at Thomas Jones. His neck is freakishly huge. Urlacher stepped out of the restuarant and I got nervous when I saw him coming. My hands started to shake and the last person I saw was Bernard Berrian. I was actually scared that I had shot Berrian."
Another article actually made me chuckle when I read it. The title? "Even With Gun, Eli Can't Hit Receivers"
Jesus was pronounced dead on arrival. Chicago celebrates win...postpones services for God's son.
IT'S BEEN FUN!!! GOODBYE TO ALL AND BEST OF LUCK!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BROTHER DONOVAN!!!! 40...makes me feel better in that I still have something to look forward to after 30! See below and understand better my fear of dying.
Throwing Stones
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The holidays weren't quite the same this year without my Grandma Shirley. It's hard to believe that she's gone but I'm relieved to know that her pain is over. Shirley was an inspiration to me and someone I could always count on. She was one of the most positive people I have ever known and I can't think of a time in my life where she was ever anything but a joy to be around. She introduced me to the music of Johnny Cash, took me to see Back To The Future and gave me my first taste of Baklava. I'll miss you Grandma and I love you! I'll be attending my Grandma Shirley's memorial tomorrow morning after shift.
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