Yes, its back for a second encore! With already 450 jokes we go to top our selves with more! Yes, and this time, we are not leaving out anyone! Everyone shall be offended. So, go ahead for the third time, the best, the jokes! And kudos to James Ballard and Patric Sullivan for helping out with them!
What do you call a fag in a wheelchair?
Rolaids
Why does Michal Douglas always like Catherine Zeta-Jones to be on top?
Because he always like to fuck up.
Why did the condom fly across the room?
It got pissed off.
And on the fith day, God created Hell so everyone wouldn't blame everything on him! And on the seventh day God created lawyers so everyone wouldn't blame everything on hell.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged
A woman walks up to a midget and says "Give me nine inches and make it hurt." So he fucks her three times and hits her in the head with a brick.
A guy is walking along a beach one day, and see's a woman lying there on the beach. As he gets closer he realizes she has no arms or legs. He stops to talk to her, and soon they start up a conversation. After a few minutes the woman says to him "You know, I've never been kissed before." He leans over and kisses her passionately. Then she looks up at him and says "I've never been screwed before." Then he picks her up, hurls her into the ocean and says "Well you're screwed now!"
Did ya hear the one about the Homo who put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He's down to two butts a day.
What do you call a redneck who doesn't screw his sister?
An only child
A man says to his wife "I'm in the mood for a little sixty-nine." His wife says "Okay, but I'm having my period." The man assures her that he doesn't mind, and they go into the bedroom. They're sixty-nining like crazy, when all of the sudden the doorbell rings. The woman tells her husband to answer it. "But honey," he says, "my mouth is a mess." She says "If he asks, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." The man puts on his bathrobe and answers the door. It's the postman. The postman is staring at the man's face. "I was eating a jam sandwich," The man tells him. "It's not the jam on your mouth I'm staring at," the postman replies. "It's the chocolate pudding on your forehead."
What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptics
Why do elephants have four feet?
Cuz six inches doesn't please the lady elephants.
Two homos are walkin through the park. They spot a dog lickin his balls. The first homo says to the other, "Don't you wish you could do that?" The second homo says "I don't know. Do you think he'll let me?"
Micheal Jackson had his birthday today. He celebrated with a ten year old..... bottle of wine.
These two women are sitting in cafe, discussing their sex lives. One woman asks the other "what kinds of faces does your husband make during sex?" The second woman says "once, I saw rage." Her friend asks her why her husband would be angry during sex. She replies "Because he was looking through the window at us."
What's the differance between a fag and a pothole?
You would swerve to avoid a pothole.
Three old dudes are sitting around talking about how much being old sucks. The first one says "I hate being old. I wake up every morning at six, and I try to take a piss, but I can stand in front of the toilet all morning, and only a small trickle comes out." The second geezer says "That's nothing. Every morning, I wake up at six. I try to take a dump, but I push for hours and all I do is fart." The third old guy scoffs. He says "You both have it easy. Every morning at six, I take a huge dump and a big piss."
"what's so bad about that?"
"I wake up at seven."
A guy says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, he shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."
How did Captain Hook die?
He accidentally wiped with the wrong hand
This dumbshit had never had sex, and he hops into bed on his wedding night. His wife strips naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?" He says, "No." She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?" He says, "Yeah...you want the whole fucking bed to yourself."
Whaddya call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
Sparky
I was involved in a carjacking last night.
Luckily, none of it got on the seats.
Two old guys are sitting around, making bets. The first one says "I bet you a hundred dollars my dick is longer soft than yours is hard." The second old man says, "That's absurd. If you were smart you wouldn't make that bet. Very well. How long is your dick soft?" The first old man grins and says "Eleven years."
Little Lee-roy says to Mommy "Do I have the biggest penis in the first grade because I'm black?"
Mommy replies, "No, you have the biggest penis in the first grade because you're black.
How does John Madden spell relief?
F-A-R-T
Whats a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
Erection day.
What do you call a whore with no legs?
A nightcrawler.
Whats the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Whats the definition of skyjacking?
A handjob at 32,000 feet.
Jack & Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water, No one knows what they did, But they came down with a daughter
Who makes more money, a prostitute or a drug dealer?
A prostitute cos she can clean her crack and sell it again!
Farting People!!
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.
How old is Goldie Hawn?
So old she farts dust!
Why did God give woman nipples?
To make suckers out of men?
Why are clams like woman?
When the red tide comes don't eat them.
Three old ladies where sitting on a bench when a flasher walks up and shows them his endowments. The first woman has a stroke, the second woman has a stroke, and the third woman's arms are too short to reach.
Did you hear about the new video game for woman called Dick-Man?
Put the quarter in and get fucked.
How does Anne Nichol Smith spell relief?
R-O-L-E-X
MORE JOKES TO COME IN TRUELY TASTLESS JOKES 4!