people who have seen this site (ooh. scary.)
"to be irreplaceable, it is necessary to be different." coco chanel
| me | lip gloss | shoutouts | muffins | journal |
why is college so expensive? i've done 40 scholarship searches, and have come up with almost nothing. i mean, literally. aaarrrgggghhhhh!! i think i'll go to podunk university. where there are mullets. lots of them.
i hate banner ads. they're just as bad as pop-ups. who the hell invented pop-ups, anyway? can i kick their ass?
oh, god. my mom wants me to wear a pink dress to the rehearsal dinner so i can "match the color scheme" of the dinner. i hope she's kidding. i'll bargain my way out of it, i suppose.
my brother is getting married soon. eek.
yes, the impending doom came, receded slightly, and has come back in full force. in response, my body has said, "let's fuck up EVERYTHING!" so, my skin is breaking out, i have rashes, and my leg hair won't go away no matter how much i shave. oh yeah, i have a migraine and permanent queasiness, and my armpits have gone all-out sweaty. (this could be due to the heat.)
whose idea was it to build an airconditioning system that breaks at the end of may? whose bloody good idea was that? i want him to shake my sweaty-ass hand, because it is not everyday that i am astounded by the stupidity of the fellow inhabitants of this earth.
impending doom! impending doom! impending doom!
"the lumberjack song" is awesome. i think i'll do a poetry response on it. mrs joplin would love that. like the ant interpretation. okay, i'm dumb, bite me.
i am so bad at improv. despite my life being one sadistic experiment in unpleasant improv. (mr williamson's class, for example, is "subtext": question 10: "what was teddy roosevelt's BEST quality?" subtext: "i heart TR.")
steadily being suffocated by school. like mary dalton in native son!!! omg, did i really say that?
wow, junior year is almost over. that means, this time next year, i'll be (gasp!) thinking about college/preparing to haul my ass outta here/graduating. damn.
blargh. suffering from rolly-fat syndrome.
i saw the funniest birthday card in paris. it had a picture of a big, lumpy gray hippo wearing a yellow polka-dot bikini, and underneath it said, "geraldine wondered if her itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini looked a bit funny on her massive smassive dotty spotty gray and lumpy lardy botty."
"hi. this is fidel castro. i'm not in cuba anymore, so leave me a message!" marietta's voicemail greeting
"kansas is its own country." me
"have you lived in kansas?" elyse
(pause) "yes." me
"really?" elyse
"no you haven't kate, you've lived here for all your life!" catie
"way to ruin my lie, catie." me
"when you use the fun eraser, you must dance." emilie
"we need some vaguely freudian way to get to the core!" alex
"i wonder how many 'female [pronounced feh-mall-ee] browns' there are in the world." mr cheek
"oh, female...ha ha." lauren
"i wonder how many male [mall-ee] browns there are...wait a minute, that's actually a name! molly! it works!" me
"a guy named molly?" lauren
"no, kate, it doesn't work." mr cheek
"that test raped me." leila
"i'm so glad you equate my tests with sexual molestation." williamson
[mr courts bites balloon; it pops.]
"there." mr courts
"in this ap study book, i love reading about the elections, because i don't know who's going to win!" ellen
[anthony coughs violently]
"you okay, anthony?" z
"yeah, i'm just dying." anthony
"well, if that's all..." z
(panicky) "i can't add!" kb
"i have this tendency to projectile vomit while i'm sleeping..." kira
"our drama class is like milk. uncared for, we turn rancid and sour. under the right conditions, however, we make cheese." emily
"panties panties panties!" dana
"i have a heterosexual mancrush on pablo neruda." ross
"mr cheek is having a torrid love affair with dan yates." nikki
"i hear they're making a bark park for older dogs." kb
"the old fart bark park?" me
"i don't have XENAphobia!" williamson
"look, are you here to fix my plumbing or flirt with me?" theo, during an improv game with ross
(interjecting) "why can't i do both?" z
"don't worry, anthony. you know when you aren't a freshman anymore. something happens to you." megan
"oh god, you don't mean puberty, do you?" me
"pigeons and sex. not quite the same thing." emily
"if you're rastafarian, they are." ross
"lila, are you examining your bosom?" mr courts
"la tour eiffel!" cat
"oh! oh...une torche!" me, during taboo
"oh my god....IT'S PATRICK!!!" me, at the fete de la musique
"walish? don't you mean 'welsh'?" cat
"it's fine." mom
"what is 'fine'?" french taxi driver
"it's okay." mom
"what is 'okay'?" taxi driver
"mao." rachel, imitating a cat
"former communist leader?" me
"eeeee-AUUGHH!" me, while falling out of a hammock into a tree
"monkey!" blythe
"don't touch my breasts!" anthony
"that's not your line." z
"fuck!" ryan (it was said really loudly)
"what would you say if your FAVORITE (ahem) french teacher was leaving to teach at another school?" madame
"bon voyage." mark
"what's worse than clams with fry bread?" z
"molasses and beans." me (drama joke)
"welcome to cell block-h." rachel s, as she observes my room during its "barren" stage
"theo, stop licking your genitals. it's not polite." me (theo, by the way, is a dog)
" 'wall' is 'law' backwards!" me
"only if you use the ghetto spelling of wall, w-a-l." rachel a
"it's like 'dumb spelled backwards is mud.' wait...no it's not. that would be b-mud, and that doesn't make any sense." me
"run, you fat bastard." drew, while watching football
"ewwwwwwwwww." mrs e, seeing the "martha stewart topless special" on snl
"so why do we have these two factors?" mrs tp
"because there's only one...of those things..." suzie
"ha ha ha ooooh." cat
"i just wanna play hopscotch." will
"we need to make them more diamond-y." lauren p
"why is YOUR silly putty SHINY?" me
"oh my god, the band is going to fall over." me, while observing the band in their (very) topheavy uniforms
"whoa, he's hot...ahh, what was i talking about again?" ashley w, as a hot guy walked past...i only heard about this story
"what if god was french?" ::bad french accent:: "haha, you stupid humans. bonjour! eat baguettes." emily
"don't mix it, bee-yatch." alex
"oh my GOD. will, i must have your body. NOW." me, and i said this because will was wearing alex's "sexy feather jacket"
"it's antonio badass!" blythe, as anthony entered the auditorium
"i swear, if you keep speaking spanish, i'll hit you." me
[singsongy voice] "no hablo espangol, no hablo espagnol..." chas
[hits him] "rape! rape!" me
"can i go wash my hands?" jeremy
"okay, but remember, people drink out of that water fountain." mrs tp
"can't i use the bathroom?" jeremy
"oh yeah. there's a bathroom." mrs tp
"for our buddha, we used beyonce's head and gave her a beard." anna
"my body's too buddha-licious for you babe." tal
"look! shayman has a heart on his shirt!" blythe
"he's wearing his heart on his sleeve!" me
"um, first off...you're boring." mr z, commenting on the play
" just what i need to ruin a perfectly good friday, the cheerleaders gyrating their pelvises in my direction." nikki
"like oh my god, there was this guy, his name was like nixon or something, and he like spied on somebody." me, in AP govt, being a ditz
"where is baby clifford jesus?" alex
"let me play with baby clifford jesus." lauren p
"i'll throw baby clifford jesus down the stairs!" bryan
"COSH ME!" jason - cosh means clobber with a club
"stew-pid." blythe
[sound of eraser clicking very slowly]
"is someone getting ready to explode in here?" mrs t-p
"it's gramma time!" mrs topkins
[small child's voice]"why do they make fun of me, mommy?" me
"...said the little boy who didn't wear clothes." alex
"...and then he kills the guy with a CUCUMBER!" nikki
"don't mess with texas." john
"a man is a king, a king is a ruler, a ruler is 12 inches, you still think you're a man?" stephanie
"lucy ate a box of matches today. i think she's going to shit fire." drew
"what the hell are you guys DOING?" trudy
"it's contortionist porn. i've had my turn. it's fun." me - we were doing some weird thing at camp where we contort and physics allows us to remain suspended in the air, but it looked, um, wrong
"let's play big booty!" caroline
"um, 'autograph' is up there twice." josh
"then put them in the same group, duh." me, during a word-grouping activity
"i think i'll break my leg tonight so i don't have to come back here tomorrow." me
"ooh, me too." trudy
"we can break each other's legs. like in the mafia!" me
"i'm going to spray the weeds tonight. that weed killer - it's a weapon of moss destruction." dad
"i wait for the train at the church." me
"oh?" nikki
"i wait for the soul train." me
"no, your honor, i am beaver cleaver." charles
"we're a little weak on the freak." me
"where's west virginia?" mrs e
"did i say west virginia?" daniel
"it's west carolina." someone else
"where's west carolina?" me
"j'ai un cornichon dans ma poche!" leah - translation: i have a pickle in my pocket
"algebra 2 is kickin' your butt." mrs weaver
"get a bra you can put your head in." mom, as she points to a bra with cups the size of watermelons
"greaaaaaaat." me
[mom and GG are talking shit about me as i'm in the dressing room at express]
"I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!" me
"ooh. ouch." saleslady
"THERE ARE NEVER FOUR OFFSPRING!" mr feeney
"see the power button? press it." me, explaining how to use the printer
"want to buy a candy flower? they're fifty cents each." [pause] "two for a dollar!" candy flower guy
"wow, that's a good deal." me
"well, it kind of broke here, here, here, and here, so now the carnation part is dangly." ashley a
"seduce sam with your spanish." me
[turns to sam] "sam, hola. como esta?" suzie
"what are you doing?" sam
"trying to seduce you with my spanish." suzie
"oooh. bonjour." sam
"bobby ray is your home dawg, yo." me
"i usually take out all the ten-letter words i see in my legal briefs and replace them with four-letter words." [pause] "no, no, not that kind!" brian
[reading rice krispies label] "crack...snapple...pop....wait, no that's not right." me
"it sounds right...crack...snapple...pop..." rachel
"crack...snapple...pop...are you sure?" me
"wait, no, it's not crack snapple pop, it's crackle snap pop, you dyslexic!" rachel
"ohhhhhh...." me
"wait. how did you know that i knew them?" mr feeney, to sara (they had mutual friends, or something, who knows)
"she's stalking you, mr feeney, she wants to learn more biology!" susanna
"GO AWAY!" me, screaming at tristan at my piano lesson
"someone picks a number, then i roll the dice, and whoever is that many in front of or behind the person whose name corresponds to the number, that's who i pick." mr feeney
"your system sucks, mr feeney." me
"what does it say after 'bill of rights, preamble, checks and balances, separation of powers' - oh, oh, laws." ellen
"you're the one who didn't think the Pope was catholic." ashley w
"okay, okay, i have that figured out now!" stephanie
"she's a parking meter - 25 cents for one hour." me (courtesy of stephanie)
"it's just a bunch of teenage nonsense." mom
"it may be nonsense, but it's my nonsense, dammit, so don't dis it." me
"what's the opposite of legitimate?" meghan
"not legitimate?" jessica
"illegitimate." kathryn
"yeah, i think that's it." meghan
"nonlegitimate." jessica
"yeah, yeah, i think that's right!" kathryn
"nonlegitimate?" meghan
"yeah, nonlegitimate." kathryn
"oh, god, i think my head is going to explode." me
"too many thought processes." meghan
"the fabric of america is strong." george w bush
"yep, we're a regular polyester blend." me
"who is the oldest supreme court justice today?" brian
[whisper] "marshall." mrs. enright
"marshall!" suzie
[pause] "he's really dead." brian
[to mrs e] "you liar!" suzie
"i wasn't sure, that's why i whispered it...you know, 'go ahead, suzie, you say it, not me.'" mrs e
[i'm gargling]
"hey kate, do you have any dixie cups?" courtney
[holds up one finger, like, "hold on a second." gargles for another minute] me
"well, for god's sake, do you have any?"
[pauses. spits out.] "no." me
"i'm hercules, dammit, and i'll come to your house and kick your ass if you drink!" kevin sorbo - talk about positive reinforcement
"don't you guys talk about genes and stuff in health?" mrs enright
"no, we just talk about over-the-counter drugs." me
"i always wondered where the term 'asswipe' came from. i think i heard it in a movie once." mom
"cornbread? ain't nothin' wrong with that!" courtney
"dubya: all hat and no cattle." mom
"ooh! jesse helms has a 'kids corner' on his website!" me
"i have two cars. one is my car, and the other...well, it's my car too." sandrine
"i only have one rachel in my life, and that's rachel." mariana
"what does avoir sommeil mean?" [pause. yawns very loudly] mrs wolf
"you have a respitory illness?" jacques
[pats me on the head] "you little goofball." nikki
"i do have some sanity, you know." me
"then we can no longer communicate." alex
"at lunch, we found a really bad way to introduce yourself...'hi, my name is kate. i'm white.'" me
"what is the least common element found in the body? a-oxygen; b-carbon; c-nitrogen; d-iodine." question seen on biology test
"while i was taking my math exam, i thought to myself: what if i made a careless mistake that's invisible?" me
"j'ai submerge mon livre." nikki - translation: i have submerged my book
"i don't understand why women get breast implants. they say, 'well, men like big breasts.' well, you know what, men like beer too. why don't you get a tap put in?" nick griffith
"if you punch a mime in the stomach, he does make a noise." peanut
"mrs enright, no offense, but i don't want to see you tomorrow." suzie
"i do not take that personally at all suzie...or should i say, right back at ya!" mrs e
"i hope rabid gummy bears come to your house and eat your head." lauren
"um...$170,000." rachel a (cost of tuition, room/board at yale)
"ahhh...well, i see my future in academia - gtcc, here i come!" me
"if my life gets any worse than it is right now, i'm calling hell and asking about their exchange program." unknown
"...you see, the thing is, God doesn't hate homosexuals. because of adam and eve and what happened in the garden of eden, God punishes women with painful childbirth and menstrual cycles. God punishes men by making them deal with women. now, God doesn't hate gay guys...he's just mad because they found a loophole in his system." daniel tosh
"why is your window so fogged up? have you been breathing?" mom
"drew, you look like inspector gadget." me
"shut up. i think i look more like a mafia hitman." drew (he was wearing a dark suit and a khaki trench coat)
"uh, let's see. what to do if your car falls off a cliff..." cousin michael, while reading from that red survival handbook
"repent your sins." cousin jake
"erika, i want to make a provacative cookie!" rachel s
"rachel, you are not making my cookies anatomically correct, okay?" erika (rachel's sister)
"mommy! erika won't let me make sexual cookies!" rachel s
"i was talking about how weird holidays are. you know, i said the jewish people stretch eight days out of lighting candles, and mariana says, 'kate, that's not nice,' or something like that." me
"well, it isn't. what did you say?" rachel s
"i didn't get a chance to finish. i would've said, 'well, look at what we christians do - we idolize a big fictitious fat guy in a red suit.' i mean, seriously, how's that for f*cked up?" me
"kate, you're going to hell." rachel s
[allyson and i are discussing our love lives on AIM]
"you just sit back and buckle your seat belt and pray you don't make the car flip when you crash." allyson
"so, basically, romance = flaming car." me
"more like flaming car under flaming world trade center after being hit by a flaming plane operated by terrorists with inflamed brains." allyson
"what time is it?" david
"what time is it?" mariana
"12:08." joe
[singsongy voice] "12:08, 12:08, 12:08..." vanessa
"it's 12:09, vanessa! it's time to change your song!" me
"if you don't like me, screw you." whitney
"barbie sucks. they need better ones. bulimic barbie. transgendered barbie. fat barbie. afghan woman barbie. she comes with osama bin laden ken." me
"listen to master nicole." nikki
"don't hurt the pillow. it's cute and innocent and fluffy." whitney
"okay, i'll bite my tongue...this is gonna hurt." vanessa
"a top is not a toy. it's something you give your child to see if he's, well, damaged." louis black of the daily show
"kate, you make me sad." alex
"why, alex?" me
"you do not love your brass shoe." alex
"haley, you're going to grow up to be one of those people who likes to run over small animals." me (haley had been trying to carve an orange but it turned out more mangled than carved)
"duct tape and rope...that's all i ask..." drew during the christmas concert, while a small child behind him was kicking his chair
"if your foot hurts so badly, mariana, take some morphine." me
"oh! do you have any?" mariana
"i'm a quixotic paradox full of paroxysms...so basically, i'm a happy puzzle full of spasms." alex
"fine! i'll get my own freakin' fig bars." me
"your ATP looks like a penis." leah
"hmm. the chicken man must like me." mom
"oh good. i've always wanted a purse i could bludgeon someone with." me, while looking at sterling silver box purses
"read the first paragraph." leah
"where?" george
"it's the first paragraph, right there." leah
"WHERE?" george
"there." leah
"oh, you meant that paragraph." george
"yes, george, i meant that paragraph." leah
"do you see how the light turns the green stuff red?" mr feeney
"YES." valerie
"well, god, sorry, valerie." mr. feeney
"you hit me with that ball, i hit you with a subpoena." me
"oh yeah?! you wanna mess with me! bring it on, yuppie! you and your f*ckin' SUV that has a 'baby on board' bumper sticker and f*ckin soccer magnet and that stupid license plate frame that says 'this car stops at nordstrom'? bring it, you bastard! eat my tail! i'll whoop your ass any day of the week!" drew
"kate, you still don't have a quote from me on your site." nikki
"well, you don't have one from me on yours." me
"i screw the guys..." david
"are you going to talk through the whole movie, or actually watch it?" mean guy in theater
"and there was much rejoicing!" amanda
"child molester! doesn't he look like a child molester?" whitney
"good thing harry's got that invisible cloak thing." me
"ooh. tide won't get that out." me, after phlegm dropped onto ron's shirt in the first harry potter movie
"we don't see jon stewart's f*cking shoes. why do they tell us in the credits who made them?" me, commenting on the credits of the daily show
"here's four m&ms...give me your soul." nathan from debate
"how about you walk into the restaurant and say, 'oh la la, this restaurant looks disgusting!'" nikki, as we discuss our conversation for french class
"hi ernie! go away." me
"they're so cute! they're, like, the size of me." leah, talking about french cars
"i hate twizzlers. give me one." mariana
"we should send afghan women the story of lorena bobbitt." mom
"what's this about jerry falwell sending anthrax?" gg
"there will be no hotel room for two reasons." (or something like that) suzie
"lucy! stop eating my care bear!" me while going through childhood memorabilia
"ooh. it's pornman!" rachel a (ask her about this one)
"who needs leggings? they're just pants." rachel a
[while trying to say the word "nationalities"] "...i'm sorry. i can't say it with my braces." mrs. garner
"i think i'm going to faint. i feel really dizzy." whitney
"you want some midol for that?" me
"if i ever have to do an affirmative [speech] to blaine's negative [speech], one of my contentions will read: furthermore, how could you possibly agree with a man who looks like vanilla ice?" me
"no, kate, i think that looks really cute." mom
"i think it looks like shit, but all right." me (discussing my hair that goes poof)
"she [nikki] said i kept playing with my hair during my practice authorship...i was like, 'what else is new?" me
"i want to slap your toes like a weasel?" mariana (this was a very, um, sentimental yearbook entry)
"what should you do if you run over a deer?" alex
"carve it up and have steak! call the clampetts!" mrs. enright
"come mighty steed...we must go conquer russia!" bradley
"...some guy called me a nazi because i'm learning german." [pause] "well, joe is learning hebrew. he must be jewish. god, joe, now we can't be friends anymore." whitney
"i absolutely HATE how mrs. enright tells us about our tests, like, a day before them. that sucks. i hate mrs. enright sometimes. she-" [mrs. enright walks up] mariana
"...now, you can either leave or stay here and play a really fun game called 'big dog...' [goes into long description of a game sounding vaguely like duck duck goose]" ms jeffers
"i'm going home! i have to, um, polish my cat." me (at the debate meeting)
"rock the boat rock the boat rock the boat rock the boat...." valerie
"VALERIE, SHUT UP." ashley w
"i am the king of bonus points." mr. feeney
"thomas jefferson sure had a thing for the word 'usurpations.'" me
"where's the ohio river?" mrs enright
"in....ohio?" robert
"now it's five-thirty and a half..." cnn newscaster
"great britain wasn't being so great...[snort-breathy-laugh]" mrs. enright...our class found this hilarious
"for halloween, let's do this...kate, you dress up as osama bin laden, and amanda and i will be taliban leaders!" mariana
"do i need a greensboro gadget?" me
"zappo! you're dead!" mom. don't ask.
"ugh...beamers [BMWs]...damn yuppies...on their search for f*ckin' meanlingless structure..." drew, while blathering away in the car
"here comes blaine...i hope he doesn't sit in my lap today." diana
"i think his brain was leaking out the side of his head." me
"are you SERIOUS?" mariana (a guy had just walked by with a huge white band-aid on the side of his head)
"i look like a man with boobs!" allyson, commenting on her man-tailored marching band uniform
[while studying for the driver's ed test] "okay, joe, what is the ONE road sign that's pennant-shaped?" vanessa
"uhhh...i don't know...the no passing zone sign?" joe
"yeah!" vanessa
"you're smart joe. i'd fail this test." mariana
"that's because this is a no-passing zone!" me
"david...i think you sunburned your watch." mariana
"da na na na na na na na anthrax maaaaaan!" me, while attempting to fly across the kitchen
[pay phone rings] "the pay phone is ringing, ernie, go get it!" me
[ernie goes to answer the phone. stands there for a long time. we assume someone is talking to him. ernie returns]
"so? what did they say?" ashley a
"nothing...i just stood there playing 'mary had a little lamb' a bunch of times." ernie
[while driving down the highway] "god, lisa, your driving sucks." cousin michael
"yeah? well, what about the time you were driving like this?" [turns and jerks wheel everywhere] cousin lisa
"yeah, well, i was picking a wedgie." michael
"survivor csi-style with james bond wearing a t-shirt with keroppi on it. ::faint::" nikki
"hey, david, you want a poem about yourself? [in reference to my supercool poems] umm...shit. nothing rhymes with 'david.'" me
"ha." david
"HE WAVED BACK!" (said very loudly) vanessa
"after we drop weiners on them [the taliban], they'll feel unholy and kill themselves." alex from elpsa
"or, they'll say, 'oh shit, it's raining weiners.'" me
"oh my god we're twins....not really." alex, the vegetarian
"OMG you beyatch! you don't have a quote from ME on your website! i am NEVER talking to you again!" nikki. are you happy now?
"yeah, the germans sank the bismarck." mom
"where was that? south america?" drew
"no, i think it was in, like, the gulf of mexico or something." mom
"hell, i thought it was in south dakota." me
i forgot the n in punk the first time, and it looked like puke, and i thought that was REALLY funny.
be the dictator of a rock band
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