Where Have You Been Billy Boy VII

"If you don't stop it, your eyes will stick that way and you will be cross eyed for life,” said Mamma.

I was making faces across the table at Dana. I don't really know why, I was just in a silly mood, watching Mamma, Cathy, and Mary try to figure out the new Wahoo game.

We had fresh Oatmeal cookies and milk, but something was not right? I was too little to figure it out as I sparred back and forth with Cathy and Mary.

Mamma was getting a bit irritated with me more than them it seemed. Cathy was being a bit too bossy, she was reading the directions to the game and telling me to hush and I wasn't about to let a girl boss me around. Even if she was my older sister.

I can't remember the details but soon it went from bad to worse, and in a big way. I ended up causing some milk to spill on the new game, Dana was crying then I was getting a spanking. It wasn't so much the spanking that hurt as much as it was that; I was the bad guy now!

I thought I just might run away or something. I was able to sneak out the front door and went out side by the rose bush and stood behind it. There no one could see me while I figured out what I was going to do.

Little Billy stood there thinking, his bottom lip trembling, and tears flowing down his cheeks. "This is it", he thought. My life is ruined, forever. I have made a big mess out of things and it can never be fixed. Where will I go and where will I live? Cathy and Mary hate me now, and Dana too.

Mamma, gave me a really bad look when she was marching me to the room for the spanking and she said “just wait until your Daddy gets home”!.

So she wasn't going to let this go, and now the chances of getting Rex to go swimming this weekend were impossible. Plus I didn't want to go with those people anyway!

The grass had so many empty spots in it, the pasture looked like a wasteland and the big elm tree looked like a big monster with arms reaching out toward me, I had to get out of here. Rex was trying to cheer me up but I was having nothing to do with it. He had no idea how bad it was; there was no fixing this one. I said "Go On, Get Rex" he didn't need to see me that way either, I turned as I reached deep inside and threw my new Green Frog Man across the street toward the pasture I didn't want it anymore, no, I didn't deserve it! I had to get out of here.

So I ran over to the old barn and went in side. There was a no light inside so it seemed like a safe place to hide until I could make plans on how to get out of here before Daddy got home.

I sat on a bucket full of nails and looked toward the house through a crack. The old barn was dusty and in the light coming through the one crack I could see dust swirling. It would light up as it went through this big flat plane that the sun was squeezing in through. I sat there wiping my eyes and resting my hands on my knees, watching the dust particles they looked like a galaxy spiraling through the thin plane of sunlight.

It sure was neat looking and if I slapped something dusty it would get really neat looking.

Then I heard it, a sharp quick whistle followed by Mamma say "Billy, Billy, Where are you? You Better get in here this minute!"

I was trapped, and scared, my gut had that really sick feeling, my bottom was ok now but I was doubled over in pain from anguish. My lip was still trembling and my eyes looked like a prizefighter from rubbing them with dusty hands and the moisture around them.

I slowly pushed the barn door open Mamma was standing there, with her hands on her hips, no smile, it looked like she knew it was over for me too, I had gone too far this time. "Come over here young man" she said as I walked over to her. She looked so huge and powerful, not like I had ever noticed before. She reached under my armpit and guided me as if I couldn't find my way back in, and to be truthful I didn't want to go back in, ever.

We walked through the kitchen the mess was clean and there was dead silence in here. She walked me in to the living room, where Cathy and Mary and Dana were setting on the couch and stood me in front of them. "Now apologize to your sisters,” she said. They were not smiling at me in fact they didn’t even want to look at me as they looked back and forth toward the window and then me.

I stood there; it seemed like hours and my life flashed before me.

"Billy? What did I tell you?"

This was like being frozen!

I took a deep breath and quickly blew it out. Then I did it, yes, I did it, I stepped forward and said in a pitiful voice,

"I'm Sorry"

"Now kiss and make up!" Mamma said we all looked at her as if we didn't understand her!

"You heard me, I didn't stutter, "Kiss and Make up"

Cathy was looking down to the right and she was just barely showing a grin, Mary was still looking like she didn't understand, so I stepped toward them the we all started laughing as we kissed and made up.

Dana wanted no part of it and she was small enough to get a reprieve this time.

And just like that, I could feel life coming back into me, there was hope again.

Maybe I could stay and live here after all. I felt so much better now even more so, than before the fight. It was a magnetic feeling, bonding is what I hear some say. We were all laughing and teasing as we wiped our mouths like we didn't like it but there was a connection that even at that age we knew had some untold magic.

Mamma was already, putting fresh pecans in Daddy's towel under the lid of his footstool, he would set there for a couple of hours and crack pecans and eat them with a towel over his lap, drink ice tea, and yak with Mamma.

Now, I was feeling really incredible, and I just had to go tell Rex! I was staying after all! As I jumped out the back door, Rex had already heard he must have been near the window and in fact he had gone and gotten my Green Frog Man and had it in his mouth wagging his tail at me and he made me catch him and take it away.

I ran across the street with him and stood on the dam over looking the pasture. Peering back, the elm tree seemed like it was waving, too, telling everyone the good news.

The pasture had regained it's beauty and it slowly waved as the wind blew across the golden grass, ripple after ripple.

It was strange but I felt taller now, as I stood there on the top of the dam, it was like I had completed one of an explores greatest missions some how.

My Green Frog Man was standing tall too, as he was perched on top of the fence post looking out. I was thinking, maybe things do work out like with Mr. Dillon and Miss Kitty. They never give up hope and they always seem to get out of trouble.

Little Billy did completely understand the valuable lesson that he had learned that day. He now knew the power of the words "I'm Sorry" and how when it looked like an absolute hopeless situation and life is going down hill faster that a 55 gallon barrel full of kids.

We can reach out with those magic words and even if we didn't feel like it was all our fault or any at all. We can take that, first little step. Toward others and show what true bravery is. It is a hard step to take but it, well; it just seems to fix everything back the way it was before or even better.

Maybe Cathy and Mary knew how hard it was for little Billy to say it?

As little Billy would grow older they would be two of his favorite words, the magic words he would use often and always get the same feeling deep down inside. He would feel the relief of the pressure, and the feeling of happiness come back as sadness slowly disappeared like the dust as it went past the crack in the barn and the light showed it for a moment and then it was gone, back into the darkness where it belonged.

I often wonder how many people could have fixed all these things if they had been like explores and had the courage to use those words.

That little scoot step sure was a big one for Billy that day. He did grow a little, don't you think?

Just look at him as he runs off behind Rex into the field, jumping and skipping. His little plaid shirt, blowing in the wind as he disappears into the pasture.

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"Put the milk back in the Ice Box" Tonto Mamma said, as she licked the green stamps and stuck them in the little books.

We had quite a stack of them now and Mamma said we might get either some new dishes or lamp to go between her and Daddy's chairs in the living room. It sure helped that the little grocery store across from the post office let us charge our groceries and then gave us green stamps to boot! What a good shopper Mamma was she always found the good deals and if things were too expensive, she could always talk people down. And when she started selling Tupperware she won a coffee table the second month. We would spend hours upon hours separating the bowls, glasses, salad crispers and pop cycles making sets.

I now knew why Mary and Cathy were so eager for me to get some Corn Flakes last week. We were almost finished with the box and when it was empty we would pull the inside wax package out and get the toy. This one looked extra nice it was a little swimmer that you put baking soda in and it swam across the sink. The only tricky thing is on the box they show a bunch of them and there was only one in it.

The sugar and milk went trickling down each side of Little Billy's neck as he tried to hurry and get done with breakfast. It was just too quite in there for him and Mamma was just staring out the side door, he was hoping she wasn't thinking of making him clean his room. I emptied out the marbles from my biggest marble bag to hang on my belt and filled it with supplies.

Lets see, 1,6,14,9 cookies and a bunch more jelly beans. I had my canteen full of grape cool-aid and my magnifying glass. "Come Yellow Bear", that was the code name I used for Rex when we were Indians. The wind was blowing out side and I was hoping my feather that I had stuck in my headband would not blow out. My face was hot red from the day swimming in Marathon, so I really looked just like an Indian. My black stick horse was called "Black Beauty" and once I untied him we were off and headed for the prairie.

Yahhh Whoo Little Billy yelled as he slapped his mouth with his hand giving everyone in the Calvary fair warning he was coming. He was taking a different trail this time just in case some how they were on to him. He would head straight out, all the way back to the creek bed and then, back track toward Frog Lake. There was no hurry; he might even have time to do some hunting and exploring as he went.

At that instant he came to a complete stop and froze in his tracks. Rex hadn't seen it, a huge black snake.

Daddy said it wasn't the poison kind when he was explaining the kind to watch out for. But it was one of the scariest feelings Billy had had in a long time. The snake was going the opposite way from Frog Lake so as soon as he got his breath, it was time to hurry. He didn't even have time to get back on his stick horse he pulled it along as he ran to get as far as he could away from the snake.

Finally he reached the old truck cab. It was one that had been washed down the creek and he and his sisters had dumped it right side up to use as a hideout. It was in just the right spot too. He sat inside and took a cookie and some cool aid, while he was examining the inside of the old truck with his magnifying glass. He could get so lost in the moment wondering about how things were made. Then he heard a sound that he couldn't really figure out so, he had better get going just in case that snake had decided to head this way.

He was happy again because the cows weren't there at the pond, so he could go all the way to the grapevine and windmill. The yellow flowers on the lily pads were all wide open this morning. And he could see so many yellow, red and gold fish. They were really pretty, he had tried so many times so spear one but never could, Daddy said it was because the water made them look like they were in a different spot than they really were. The sun hadn't reached the tank from over the barn yet so it was kind of cold near the tank. Billy climbed up on top and sat on the edge of the wooden platform of the windmill below the big old metal blade. Little Billy watched as it went around and around really fast this time because the wind was blowing faster than usual.

As he sat there he begin to daydream, he wondered where the water came from? How did they know where to dig to get it? How did the windmill get the water to come up? And why didn't it ever run dry? It was so peaceful here he just loved coming here. It seemed like all his feelings would become so much more real here for some reason. He dropped a jellybean in and watched it sink all the way to the bottom of the big old round tank.

He remembered when Cathy and Mary and him had gotten in and swam around in there and they had lost an old skeleton key in it. Once you get it all stirred up you can't see anything at all. It just looks all muddy and messy. He would later in life know the wisdom that this old tank was whispering to him.

It was a story about life. Living in the moment was just like that old tank, the present moment, was springing forth constantly from the past. Slowly and with such clarity if we just were calm and thought about it. And our life just like that big old tank was filling up minute-by-minute, day-by-day. It was up to us to allow the waters to settle and then we could look back on our life and see what we had accomplished. We must not allow the waters to be stirred up with muddiness and become messy.

Life was a pure and clear gift that we could enjoy and ponder over if we would just allow our selves the freedom to forgive. Even the water would flow from deep beneath the ground and as it came up it was clean it would leave the dirt and mud behind so we could enjoy a fresh clean taste. It was bringing the past to us and we had the choice to either let it stay calm and clear or to stir it up. It was just the natural thing to do to want the water clean. Wasn't it? It seemed like if Little Billy could bring all his problems here to think about and deal with then they would be so much easier to handle. And that was the magic of what Mamma had said to him time after time.

You see Mamma knew that we would attract to ourselves the things we thought about. If we used our imagination and remembered the most important lessons we not only heard but the ones we could feel. Actually feel deep down inside then it would guide us in such a clear and calm way. The feelings had such a powerful hold on Little Billy. He could just sit and think about the good times and the closeness that was between him and the rest of the family and it was still so real and comforting.

And he knew that our memory was given to us for more reasons than learning to add and do work. It was given to us as a way to travel, to go back in the past and remember the important times and people that had spent years and years, raising us. My memory was for me just closing my eyes and seeing my three sisters standing there, smiling and laughing. Without a care in the world, and I still wonder about the power of memory. Can it work for them too? Can it work for you? You see, our lives are filling up like the old tank and soon they will be full. And as they begin to flow over the top like the tank, it just seems right that the water would be crystal clear and not muddy.

The sun was coming over the barn now and it was reaching as always the top of the windmill first. It would warm it first and once the day was over it would leave it last as it set behind the mountains. It kind of made me think that if we stand tall and climb high in life we will get the sun first and after darkness begins to cover the earth we will be the last to feel the suns warmth.

So now, the sun is burning my sunburn from the swimming trip.

I am going back home and let Mamma put some soothing lotion on it and make me feel better.

Mamma could always make me feel better.

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The stories are true and the people are real. Most of all, the lessons are eched forever in time. Uncle Billy