Chapter 8: JUSTIN AND THE CAP’N MAKE IT HAPPEN

     Justin turned right, skidded left, and lost a wheel somewhere around isle 3 or 4.  But Justin was not deterred.  He instead ditched the cart and kept on running.  He didn’t even notice the scream of pain that was released from the direction of the dismissed shopping cart.  Justin ran to the cereal isle and stopped in awe.
     “We all know that only one of you matter,” said Justin to the cereal.  “Now I know that you all want me.” Began Justin with ego oozing off his voice. “But you can’t have me. No, we both know only one of you is good enough for me, and that’s the Cap’n.”  Justin reached for the Cap’n crunch however as he picked up the box he saw to small beady eyes looking back at him. “Funk!” he screamed in terror and leaped away from the cereal boxes, tossing his cereal box in the air.
     Karen was looking for Valerie when a large box of Cap’n Crunch pelted her on the nogin. Confused and now holding a box of Cap’n Crunch, Karen looked around in terror, waiting for more boxes to attack. Just then Karen spotted the front a shopping cart start to turn into her isle. Karen screamed an thrust up the box of Cap’n crunch to appease the boxes and avoid further pelting.
    “Open your eyes you idiot and help me!” Yelled Val
    Karen opened her eyes to see Valerie tangled in a shopping cart.
    “What….?”
    “It just came out of nowhere and attacked me, now I’m stuck.”
    “Dude that’s so weird this here box of Cap’n Crunch did the same thing to me.”
    “Put down the box and help me!!!!”
    Karen put the box of Cap’n Crunch down and walked over to help Valerie.
    “HEY!!! You can’t do that.” Yelled an angry supermarket employee “What do you think I am….your servant?”
    “No, I….it’s just that…”
    “I don’t care, If you don’t want the box then put it back!” Yelled the employee. Karen, now publicly shamed, wheeled Val and the box of Cap’n Crunch to the cereal isle.
     Once they reached the aisle, they found Justin angrily questioning a very frightened Lance.
    “Do you think that you can imitate the glory that is Justin just by following me around and taking notes?” Justin yelled as he shook Lance by the shoulders.
    “I hate to interrupt . . .” Karen quipped in, “But you two loonies are in front of the cereal that I am trying to put away.”
    “Well why did you pick up a box of cereal that you didn’t want?” asked Lance as she worked on prying Justin’s hands off of him.
    “I didn’t!” exploded the angry Karen.  “The angry cereal God must have dropped it from the sky.”
    “You mean that the Cap’n God’s chose you and you are RETURNING the box?” Justin yelled acussingly at Karen.
    “YEAH!” Karen said stunned that he was unable to comprehend that from the fact that she was putting the box away.
    “Oh unholy satanic child…you are the Kellogg’s child!!” Justin screamed at Karen as smoke began to steam from his ears.
    “Could we hurry it up! That crazy superman freak is going to make it to the rappini before me!”  Val yelled.
    “What the hell is rappini?” asked Justin, momentarily forgetting about the cereal feud.
    “Never you mind the specifics. Just get me the hell out of this cart!” Val yelled, her mouth foaming.
    The two boys and Karen obediently followed Val’s orders and grabbed hold of the offending cart.  On the count of three, they all pulled.  After a few moments of agonizing struggle, Val was free and heading off towards the produce with break neck speed.
 
 

Chapter 9: VALERIE’S TRIUMPH or CHRIS GETS SCANNED

    Joey rounded the corner somewhere around the two-for-one can’s of Bumblebee tuna, only to discover the crazy Italian lass was still a few steps ahead of him.
    Damn, Joey thought to himself, I would have beaten her if it hadn’t been for that lady with the sample cocktail wieners . . .
    Valerie looked up to see that the superman necklace wearing freak was making his was towards her….and the rappini. Valerie looked Joey dead in the eyes and then at the rappini. Somewhere in the background came the sound of “Chariots of Fire” as Joey and Valerie raced towards the rappini in slow motion. Various other shoppers stepped from the aisles and cheered on Valerie and Joey in the race for the rappini. Valerie and Joey came into the final stretch and could see the rappini. Valerie in an effort to outdo Joey made a dive for the rappini….only to overshoot and hit the pinapples.
Once the clamor of Val’s body hitting the floor with about 50 prickly pineapples died down, everyone paused to be sure that she survived the spectacle.  As Val began to show the first signs of life, the entire crowd began to laugh at her.
    “What are you all laughing about?  I meant to get to the pineapples.  I have a special tropical Italian recipe that I have been working on. . . .” Val began her pathetic attempt at a lie.
    Joey just scoffed at Val and sauntered over to the rappini, leaving her alone and embarassed.  Luckily for her, Val had a huge capacity for getting pity.  In her best attempt to make the evil boy look bad, Val began to wimper.  The crowd was stunned, she was just so damn . . . PATHETIC.  Something had to be done.
    Val looked up from the pineapple chunks she was pulling out of the cuffs of her pants, to see a rather attractive young man approaching her.
    “Can I help you up miss?” he said cautiously.
    Valerie looked up to see a pinapple topped man. Maybe it was the overdose of pinapple and the loss of rappini to Joey but for some reason this braided young man looked rather pinapple esque. Just as Valerie was about to say a rather sarcastic and unnecessary comment about the young mans appearance Joey spoke up.
    “Chris come-here…help me get a good haul of rappini.”
    Valerie’s little head picked up at the chance to finally beat out that superman logo wearing freak.
    “Oh you want this?” Valerie yelled to Joey as she grabbed Chris by the top of his pinapple head.
    “What are you doing?  That guy is MY friend.”
    “Is he now?” said Val feigning surprise.  “Well then, I guess that leaves me with one choice.”
    “Yup, you have to give him back.”
    Val gave Joey a wicked smile as she pinned Chris’ arms behind his back.  Chris winced in pain, and yelped for someone to help him.
    “Quit your whining.  You my pineapple headed friend, are coming with me to the check out.  You’re mine now.”
    “What?” yelled Joey
    “That’s right buddy…if I buy him then he’s mine! All mine!” yelled Valerie wickedly.
    Through the pain Chris managed to get the point of what Valerie was saying. “Finally the girls want me! I got Joey’s girl!!!” Chris screamed in ecstasy as  Val yanked him farther way from the fallen pineapples.
    “Karen!” screamed Valerie “Get the cart…we’re checking out!”
    Karen grabbed the cart and Val threw Chris inside much to his delight “Rough women…yeah!!” yelled Chris.
    Val threw Chris into the girls cart. Karen pulled a U-ey and started to push the cart to the checkout.
    However unbeknownst to the girls the rest of Nsync had gathered around the fallen pineapples and their captured comrade. JC recognized Karen and remembered his fallen peach. Convinced that his peach should not have fallen in vain JC rolled a pineapple right towards Karen’s path. Karen saw the pineapple laying in her way and tried to turn the cart, but couldn’t….not with Chris’ added weight. The air was filled with suspension as JC laughed menacingly and Karen screamed in horror. The front wheels of the cart caught the pineapple and all the contents, Chris included, went flying…meanwhile Karen rather than flying with the contents of the cart became tangled in the shopping cart.
    “Karen stop copying me and help me get to the checkout!” Yelled Val. “Grab the boy, I’ll get the sausage.” And with that Val grabbed the sausage and started to run.
    Karen confused and somewhat in shock freed herself from the mangled cart and grabbed the nearest boy.  Karen and Val had made it halfway down the canned goods aisle when Val turned back to make a sarcastic comment to Joey, about what he could do with his super man necklace and Elmo hair, when she realized that Karen had grabbed the wrong boy. “Karen!” screamed Val “What am I going to do with a curly haired blond boy?” sighed Val as she stalked back to the pineapples and once again grabbed Chris by the hair. “Do you see the difference?” Val said holding up Chris for Karen to see. Karen looked at both the boys and then cast aside Justin.
    “Sorry….it’s just that…..” Karen started.
    “No..no…no…” Said Val shaking her head. “No excuses…lets just go.”
    “What? Why des girls no what the JuJu man?” said a very confused Justin.
    “Ewwww, no!” said Val as she petted Chris.  “I only like short brunettes. . . and you are neither!”
    “What you saying foo’?  I’s not really a blonde . . .”
    “Who cares?  I have what I want and I am out of here . . .”
    Before Justin could say “peroxide blonde,” Val and Karen where at the check out and trying to fit Chris in a paper bag with their assortment of juice boxes and fruit snacks.
    “Wait, I haven’t scanned him!” exclaimed the nasty prepubescent checkout boy.
    “Fine!” Yelled Val in a voice that shook the checkout boy into clear skin. Val grabbed Chris and began to look for a bar code. Only she couldn’t find one….and after checking the normal places….she was about to start removing some of Chris’ clothing…when he screamed in protest. Afterall, even Chris has a shy side.
    “Wait!” yelled Karen. “I came prepared.” Karen reached into her back pocket and pulled out a price gun. “You never know when you might need to price something.” Karen explained to a shocked Val and Chris. “Now what would you say this boy is worth?”
    “I think he’s priceless…” sighed Val.
    “Right, 50 cents it is.” Said Karen as she slaped Chris on the forehead with a his new price tag.
    “What only 50 cents?” Protested Chris.
    “Hey! We have a budget buddy.” Said Karen.
    “Ma’am.” Interupted the checkout boy “only the manager can  price something.”
    “Well in that case.” Said Val as she gave the checkout boy a sick look “There’s always plan B”
    “We have a plan B?” said Karen
    Val whipped out her handy dandy permanent black marker and looking at Karen said. “we do now.” Then she whispered into Chris’ ear “the only question is where to put it…” Chris quickly offered up his arm…scared but convinced that it would be best if he complied with the Italian girls every wish.
    Val quickly Bar Coded Chris, and then passed him to the checkout boy.   Since the checkout boy was so stunned and frightened, he figured that as long as it scanned, it was good enough for him.
    *BEEP*  “Lovable Boy Band Member $.50” showed up on the checkout screen.
    “Score!” yelled Val and Karen at the same time.
    Throwing a $20 at the boy, the two girls grabbed their groceries and made a mad dash for their car.
 
 

Chapter 10: SLURPIES ANYONE?

    While the girls had their interlude with the prepubescent checkout boy Nync (Nsync minus the Chris) had called in reinforcements.  In other words, they decided to be big cry babies and rat on our girls to the manager.  Worst of all, they caught up with val and Karen just when they were about to buckle Chris into the backseat of Karen’s Jeep.
    “Stop right there!” yelled the manager as the girls spun around.  “These boys tell me that you have something of theirs.”
    “Nuh-uh,” said Karen defiantly.  “I bought this hottie for my friend fair and square."
    “You can’t buy a human being!” JC wailed.  He was upset because if Chris was gone . . .who was going to hide his drug stash in his braids when they went through the airports . . .
    “I have a receipt!” Karen said triumphantly as she waved it in front of the manager.
     “50 cents?!  Damn, you girls got a great deal.  I would have thought that a fine man like this would cost at least $1.25,” the manager said as he looked at the small piece of paper.
    “But you can’t BUY a human!” Yelled JC angry that the manager had not listened to him, and itching to pull his crack pipe outta Chris’ hair so that in the worst case senario he’d at least get his favorite pipe  back, to use with that phatty stash he just bought from the checkout boy moments ago.
    Lance however was prepared for this situation, as he pulled out his cell phone and punched in the number for the ASPCA. He then handed the phone to the manager. Slowly the manager  began to turn paler and paler.  “Yes, I, well you see the dog just jumped in the microwave…..no, no I don’t think you need to investigate…..no that rumor is not true…….no I would NEVER allow my store to SELL another human being…..yes I understand…thankyou…thankyou…..yes….okay…….bye,” said the manager. Hanging up the phone and looking shakingly at the girls he said “Well girls I’m sorry but that sales slip is null and void.”
    Val, looked at Chris, and Chris looked at her.  Each shed a tear for what might have been.
    “I guess this is good-bye . . .” Val whispered as her gaze turned downward.  She was so close to heaven and now . . .
    “YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY FIFTY CENTS BACK!!!” Karen screamed as she took the manager by the collar.  He pulled two quarters out of his pocket and gave them to Karen.  “Damn straight, you give that back.  I need that money to pay for half a load of laundry.”
    “Actually, it would only pay for one fourth of a load because you have to dry it too . . .” Val managed to say as she still clutched Chris’ hand.
    “And you’re smart too, what if I wanted you to buy me,” Chris said to Val.
    “Nope!” Said JC rather smuggly that he turned out to be right about buying human beings. “You gotta come with us! ThaNK-You ”
    “But….”Chris began however it only lead into a deep sigh “Goodbye….my love.”
    Chris ran towards the Justin’s Mercades with the rest of group….as they were now Nsync again.
    “Well…” sighed Karen “that sucked.”
    “Sucked?  The mystery man of my dreams is gone and all you say is ‘that sucked?’  I never even got his name.  But there was something oddly familiar about him AND those psycho friends of his. . .”
    “We’ll get slurpies…the blue kind. That’ll cheer you up.” Said Karen as they got in the Jeep.
    “Do you think he liked me?” asked Val
    “Of course . . .”
    “I just keep thinking . . .” started Val.
    “. . . Of what you could do with a fine piece of peach-lovin’ boy like that?”
    “WHAT! NO!” Screamed Val! “What is wrong with you?”
    “Sorry just thinking about the mental hospital bag boy,” said Karen then looking at Val’s puzzled face she added “It’s a long story…I’ll tell you over slurpies.”
    The two girls sighed simultaneously as they slowed down to stop at the light right before the turn for 7-11.
 


I wanna finish the story.

Time for me to go.