Chapter 7

     JC reached into the darkness in the corner and pulled the dark figure into the light.    Dressed in fatigues, the brunette blinked her deep blue eyes to keep herself from crying.  She had lost her cover and now she was afraid of what N Sync and the other girls were going to say to her.  Worst of all, she still hadn’t completed her mission and that meant that she was going to get a long talking to from mission control.
     “All right, who are you?  And why do you want to kill Lance?” asked Chris as he pulled out a flashlight and pointed it right in the girl’s face.  She only answered with silence.
     “Perhaps we should take a different approach to this?” suggested Mary.  “All right soldier . . .name and rank!”
     The girl suddenly stood at attention.  Mary smiled slyly at the others.
     “Laura, ma’am.  ‘I Love Lance Girl’ Number 105.”
     “Did she say that she was an ‘I Love Lance Girl’?” asked Lance.  “However flattering as that may sound, I have no idea what she means.”
     Laura marched over to Lance and dropped onto one knee before him.
     “We are an undercover military with the singular purpose of protecting the man we all love.  There are thousands of us worldwide who are constantly watching over you.  You are our purpose and drive.  It is for you that we exist and we will stop at nothing to fulfill our duty,” said Laura in a rehearsed tone.
     “Dude, Lance has his own secret service!  That sucks!  What do I get?  Let me think . . .oh yeah, NOTHING!  Why am I cursed so?” cried out Joey.
     “You have me!” said Meg as she pulled out a hanky and whipped away his tears.
     And so the two started to make out, and were thusly ignored for a good deal more of the story.
     “I guess that you could call us a sort of secret service,” Laura continued proudly.  “We make our presence known at every N Sync appearance by calling out our secret passwords to one another as a form of communication.  Our network runs long and wide and all members know the call.”
     “Hey, you’re call wouldn’t be ‘I love Lance’ or something lame like that?” asked Jacee as she began to giggle at the whole absurd idea of a Lance cult.
     Laura gave Jacee a stricken look and stammered, “Of course not.  That would be stupid.”
     For some reason, no one believed Laura.
     “So, if you’re not trying to kill Lance . . .then who is?” asked Chris in a rushed manner because he could hear Jordan Knight’s  “Give it to You” in the background.
 

Chapter 8

     “Well, when you think about the whole situation, this entire case can be solved by simple logic,” said Laura.  “Think about it.  Who would want to kill Lance?  Who in the world is evil and twisted enough to want to rid the world of a sweet boy like Lance?”
     “And more importantly,” added Justin.  “Who would be depraved enough to write a death threat on Hello Kitty paper?  Once we discover that, we will find out who is responsible for this diabolical plan.”
     Everyone stared at Justin in shock.
     “I see that you are all surprised by my marvelous insight into this case,” said Justin.
     “Yeah, that and we had no idea that YOU of all people knew what ‘depraved’ and ‘diabolical’ meant,” snickered Chris.
     Everyone broke into a fit of laughter, including Meg and Joey who by this time had completed their little romantic interlude.  They felt that it was important to take a 5 min breather every now and then.
     After everyone had completed their laughing at Justin’s expense, they wiped the tears from their eyes and brought their attention back to Lance.  They were about to throw around ideas as to who the potential killer might be when Mary suddenly noticed something.
     “Lance, what is that draped over your shoulder?” she asked rather nervously.
     While they had all been laughing, a small object made of cloth had fallen from the rafter above them and landed on Lance’s shoulder.  It must have been dropped by someone spying on them.  This spy, they knew, would have to be Lance’s stalker.
     “Finally, our answer!!!” cried JC as he pulled the object off of Lance’s shoulder.  He examined it quickly and suddenly turned white as a ghost.
     “What’s wrong, JC?” asked Marci.  “You look as though someone kicked your puppy.”
     Joey and Meg held each other in fear.  Kat clung to JC’s arm.  Laura took Lance’s hand in hers while the rest of the girls fought over who got to be with Justin in their time of need.  Chris grabbed Busta and held him close as they all braced each other to discover what JC was about to show them.
     “Everyone, we are in some serious shit here,” announced JC.  He held up the mystery object to reveal a pair of men’s underwear.  Written across the pair was the familiar logo of the Backstreet Boys.
 

Chapter 9

     *N Sync cried out in horror at the sight if the underwear.  Lance then proceeded to faint as the girls looked on in confusion.  Laura was the only one who kept her head as she began mouth the mouth on Lance.
     “Under normal circumstances I would offer to faint so that Laura could practice her first aid on me next, but the seriousness of the situation is preventing me from doing so,” said Chris solemnly.
     “I don’t understand,” said Jacee.  “What could be so horrifying about a small pair of men’s underwear?  An EXTRA EXTRA LARGE pair would be one thing . . . but please, a small?”
     “That’s not the point.  The point is . . . who would carry around such a pair of underwear?” JC tried to explain.  “The last place we have seen underwear like this was during the Backstreet Boys In Concert Special on the Disney Channel.  Howie had them on.”
     “But why would Howie be carrying around his underwear without actually wearing them?  Are they a spare?” asked Kat.
     “Yeah right!  Like Howie would be getting any sort of play that would require a change of underwear!  The only place where he would spend the night is at the Carter house,” said Justin disgusted at the very idea of a night with the Carters.
     “I think we’re getting warm here!” cried Laura.  “All we have left to do it put all the clues together!"
     “OH MY GOD!!! It’s so simple!  Why didn’t I see it before?” cried JC.  “The Hello Kitty paper, the pink writing, Howie’s underwear, and an insatiable desire to kill a fellow blonde pretty boy . . . it is so obvious who is trying to kill Lance.  Like I said before, we are in some serious shit!  I finally have enough evidence to prove my theory!”
     “Okay JC,” urged Kat, “so what is your theory?”
 

Chapter 10
 
     “Taking all the things I said into consideration, I would have to say that the man, well um boy I should say, that is trying to kill Lance . . . is the one and only . . .Nick Carter,” said JC.
     Everyone in the room broke out into a fit of laughter.
     “You’ve got to be kidding!” exclaimed Justin.  “That little punk ass wants to kill Lance.  Why Lance?”
     “Yeah,” said Chris.  “Sorry Justy, but it would make more sense if he wanted to kill you.  Both of you are the blonde haired babies of the group and all . . .”
     “Justin’s blonde?” said Meg still laughing at the idea of a murderous Nick Carter.  “If Justin is a real blonde then I’m not using my backstage passes at the All That tour tomorrow!”
     “WHAT!?” yelled Joey in utter shock.  You told me that you and Josh were over.  You told me that there was nothing between you and Big Ear Boy.  How could you?”
     Joey turned around to cry on Lance’s shoulder.
     “Wow, there sure is a lot of crying in this story,” observed Marci.
     “Joey baby,” Meg crooned.  “You know he means nothing to me.  You’re the guy for me. Josh was just a mistake.  He meant nothing to me.”
     “THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM TOMORROW?” Joey cried hysterically through his tears.
     Before Meg could think of an excuse for going to see “Josh the All That Hottie,” hysterical laughter rang from the rafters.  Everyone looked up to see Nick Carter leaning over the catwalk above them and laughing in a rather sickening way.
     “I knew it was you!” JC yelled up to him and waving the boxers furiously.
     “Hey,” Nick yelled down to them in an angry manner.  “How did you get Howie’s underwear?  I’m supposed to return to those to him!”
     “You dropped them on us while you were stalking poor Lance,” yelled Laura as she shook her fist in anger.
     “Yeah, well you better give them back so that I can return them.  He’s always forgetting things at my house when he sleeps over,” said Nick.
     “I was just thinking,” said Chris.  “Did you wash these things before you decided to rewturn them to their rightful owner?”
     “No,” answered Nick.  “I didn’t the time.  You know, between concerts, photo shoots, trying to get my entire family into the music business,  and trying to kill Lance . . . I just don’t have the time for laundry.”
     JC dropped the offending undergarments in disgust and everyone took a giant step back and exclaimed “EWWWW!!”  Nick just continued his disgusting, cackling laughter.
     “Why do you want to kill me?” Lance finally called out to Nick.
     “Why not?” asked Nick coyly.
     “Justin is more of your boy band counterpoint.  Why pick on Lance?” asked Chris.
     “Because Nick knows that I could kick his ass anyday!” growled Justin as he beared his teeth and make scary animal noises in Nick’s direction.
     In response to Justin’s animalistic tendencies, Nick turned pale and ran off deeper into the rafters and along the catwalk.
     “That’s it.  I’m tired of his crap!!” yelled Meg.  “Let’s hunt his sKinny little ass down, guys!”
     “Hell ya!” agreed Jacee.
     And with that, the group ran up the stairs and began the chase.
 

Chapter 11

     Here comes the point in the story where we test the reader’s knowledge of Scooby-Doo.  Yes, my friends, we have come tothe famous chase scene.  As you know, this scene includes many intricate details that are simply too difficult for someone of my poor writing skills to truly do justice to.  To get the full effect of what all this is supposed to look like, all you have to do is watch any episode of Scooby-Doo.  As soon as the cheesey music starts playing, you know that you are ready to go.
     Here is a short description for the Scooby-Doo impaired:
     The heroes chase the villain down the hall.  They run into a room, the door closes . . .reopens, and now the villain is chasing the heroes.  This continues a few thousand times as they run through all different doors down this really long hall.  Remember that while all this chasing is happening, some really cheesy music is playing.  For the sake of us all trying to imagine this together, let’s use something really pointless. . . .how about LFO’s “Summer Girls?”  Good, now we are ready to move on.
    After 10 mins of a stupid chase scene,  the girl’s heels were really starting to bother them.  Remember, they were all dressed up to meet *N Sync.  The girls stopped and finally decided to let the guys deal with all the running.  After all, girls can use their brains.  Why chase Nick around when you can simply lure him straight to you?  The five girls got together, went back to the ground-floor, and worked out a plan.
    Since all the girls were so stylish (like I’d write about anyone who wasn’t), they pulled off their chunky heels and put them all in a row on the ground in front of them.  They then continued to pull off all their nylons, sparkling tights, and fishnets.  Weaving them all together, the girl’s managed to build a large net and set it up above the row of shoes.  Now it was time to get Nick to come to them.
Kat walked over to the row of shoes, while the other girls hid and waited.  Meg was poised in the rafters with the net waiting for Kat’s signal.
    “My word,” exclaimed Kat pulling out all the stops from her thorough acting training.  “Would you look at all these fabulous shoes?  Wherever did they come from?  They must be abandoned.  Well, I certainly can’t give them all a home by myself.  Who will give these poor orphaned shoes the love that they need?  Hold on a second . . .do my eyes deceive me?  Could those be real Steve Madden micro-fiber clogs!  Be still my beating heart!”
    “Did you say Steve Madden micro-fiber clogs?” yelped an excited voice from the shadows.  Yup, our villian had arrived on the scene.
    Before the girls could see what happened, a shadowy figure ran at the shoes.  Kat quickly gave Meg the signal and the net dropped.  The villain struggled for a little bit before finally laying still.
    “You caught him!” exclaimed Joey as he and the rest of the guys appeared on the scene.
    “Now we can finally put all the pieces together and end this reject Scooby-Doo mystery once and for all” said Justin as he headed toward the bundled up mass that was Nick Carter.
 

Chapter 12

     Justin dug through the mass of women’s leg-ware only to discover . . . HOWIE D.
     “Wait a min, that’s just not possible” gasped Mary. “JC, your theory was so perfect.  How could Howie be the one who wants to kill Lance?”
     JC looked knowingly at Mary as he walked towards Howie.  JC pulled at Howie’s greasy locks.  Yup, the Howie face was just a mask.  Everyone drew their breath back in surprise when they saw the face underneath.
     “It’s Old Man Withers from the haunted amusement park!” cried Chris.
     “No it isn’t,” said Meg as she walked over to the old man.  She lifted the final mask to discover the real Nick Carter underneath.
     “So, it really was Nick who wanted to kill me,” said Lance.
     “And I would have gotten away with it too . . .if it weren’t for you snooping kids!” spat Nick who was finally beginning to realize that he didn’t have a chance at hurting Lance now that he was discovered.  “Curses, foiled again!”
     “Yeah, whatever Nick,” said Jacee as she gave Nick a little kick to the shin.
     “Hooray, the mystery is solved,” cried Marci.
     “And just in time too,” said Chris.  “Guys back to the Mystery Bus.  We have a game of hackey to play! The proper authorities will take care of our friend Nick here.”
     “What about my Scooby Snacks?” whined Joey.
     “I got plenty of Scooby Snacks for you later baby,” said Meg as her hand traced the line of Joey’s neck.  He began to laugh like a Tickle Me Elmo.  Hey, maybe it’s the hair.
     And so, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the end of our mystery.  After the show, the guys each hooked up with their respective girl and lived happily ever after. That is until . . .
* * * * * * * * * * *
     “JC, do you know who wrote this?!” asked Justin in a panic.
     Justin’s hand shook as he showed JC the note.  It said ‘I’m going to scratch your Benz, pansy ass.  Oh, and by the way . . . you are WHITE!!!!”
     “Here we go again!” sighed JC as he went to call the girls.

THE END
Or is it??

     “For the love of Pete!  Wait one gosh darn minute here! The story can’t be over yet!”
     Why not Chris?  Is there a problem?
     “Yeah, I can’t help but feel that I’m getting shafted here.”
     Shafted?  By whom?
     “All the guys get a girl, or two actually in Justin’s case . . .but what to I get?”
    The satisfaction of a job well done!
    “That’s not the kind of satisfaction I had in mind.”
    You are sick!!!  I’m not that kind of narrator!
    “I don’t mean it quite like that.  But don’t I get the girl?”
    I guess . . .
    “Come on . . .I know you like me!”
    Didn’t I mention my inability to write fictional romance scenes between a stranger and me?  Besides, you have a girlfriend in real life.
    “But this isn’t real life, is it?”
    I guess not . . .
    Suddenly a small dark haired girl appeared before Chris.  She smiled shyly.
    “Dinner . . .and you’re paying,” she said.
    “Taco Bell it is then!” exclaimed Chris.
    “What have I gotten myself into?” Val asked herself as she followed Chris to the limo.