The Setting: *N Sync's Tour bus…morning time..the boys are just waking up.....
 

    Mase's-"Bad boys" (Or whatever that song is called) is playing in background.

    "Bad…bad…bad…bad boy…I make you feel so good!!  Awww yeah I is such a bad boy!!   I don't know WHAT to do with myself!!"  Justin said while looking into the bathroom mirror, brushing his teeth.

    "Justin, first of all, use correct grammar when you're speaking. Second, what makes you such a bad boy?" Joey said, flipping through the pages of Newsweek.  "It really upsets me to think that you're being so unrealistic.  You are not a bad boy."

    "I'm a bad boy cuz I make all the girlies swoon…foo'.  Joey why iz you talkin like some smart ass?  Just cuz
you found that Newsweek in the garbage 2 weeks ago, you think you so smart.  Ain't you finished wit it yet?"

    Joey sighed.  He knew that he wasn't finished with it.  He knew that he probably never would finish it.  Those
big words just made his head ache.  But, somehow, he just wanted to prove to the guys that he was smart.  Somehow…..he wanted to prove that he was more then just a stupid whore.  But how?  "Justin…I am almost done with it.  Really. I like to take my time on reading such…ummm….great literature. Why don't you leave me alone?"

    "Oh brotha." Justin turned around and looked into the mirror…he gave his ass a little wiggle and put on his underwear hat. "I'm ret to go!!!  Chris and JC where you at?!  Oh yeah, Lance too!!"
 

    At that moment, JC ran into the tour bus.  He had on a neon green muscle shirt and red warm up pants that unbuttoned from the sides.  He began doing stretches and breathing exercises.  "Woo!! What a great run!  I've been up since 6 a.m., and I feel great!! GREAT!!  I'm so glad I went to bed early..unlike all of YOU who just stay up all night even if I did bitch at you to get some sleep…but I feel GREAT and you don't!!!"  JC begins dancing like a damn fool.

    "Actually we all feel great!!!"

    "No you don't.  Noooo you don't.  They don't." JC said to himself.

      Lance peeked out from the curtain that covered his bunk.  He thought to himself, "Why does everyone think that I'm the weird one?"  Befuddled, he shook his head and got out of bed.

    "So….isn't today the day that we get interviewed for FANatic?"

    "Yes!! YES YES YES! TODAY IS THAT DAY!!!  YES YES YES!" Chris jumped out of bed. "I'm just soooo crazy…I'm sooo crazy!   Watch me be crazy."  Chris began to run around the tour bus hitting Justin, JC, Lance and Joey in the heads.  "You designed that…so I hit all of you in the heads!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

    Everyone shook their head in dismay.

    "I guess since today be dat FANatic day, we gotsta all get ready and put on our act right?  We'll be asked some stupid ass questions…I know for sho.  I wonder who the lameass is dis time?"

**********
Flashback to January 1, 1999…in a drunken stupor, Kelly  and Valerie  make a tape for FANatic…….

    "I am sooooo *N Sync's number 1 fan!!  Aren't we Kelly, aren't we? Aren't Aren't…is that a real word? Aren't? Arrrrrrreeeeeeennnnnnnnttt…hahahaha…"

    "That is correct sir!  I..WE….are *N Sync's number one fans. You don't even know. You could not even comprehend…right Val?"
 
    "Arrrrreeeeeeeennnnntttt."
 
    "See.  Val is in agreement.  Come on, let me show you my Justin shrine…errrr…room.  Ha Ha!!!"

    Val takes the camera into Kelly's room.  She tapes the whole room.  There are pictures of Justin everywhere.  Valerie then begins to throw up……..
 
    "I'll take that" Kelly grabs the camera.  "See, I am going to marry Justin one day and I just thought that I would put these pictures up as a reminder of  my lover…. And since today is the new year, we just thought we'd send in a tape to you guys at FANatic cuz we just want to tell you that…we're *N Sync's number 1 fans."  Kelly and Val start to cry.  "They've helped us so much!!  When we didn't understand our homework, we put on their music and partied….it made us forget all about the homework.  Now THAT'S what I call dedication. Those boys dedicate their lives to making others happy and free."
 
    Val got up and turned the camera off.

    "Think they'll buy it?" asked Kelly, wiping away the phony tears from her eyes.
 
    "Agh, I don't know.  Don't care. I'm gonna go to the store and buy a few more 'happiness in bottles.'  Wanna come?"

    "Nah.  I'm gonna stay here and get our tape ready for FANatic."

    "Whatever…mvemmemeha" Val mumbled as she walked out the door.
 
    Kelly got the tape all ready, sealed it in a package,  went downstairs, and put it in the mailbox.
 
    "Ahhh, even if we don't get it….it will still be refreshing for them to be able to see some REAL fans at work…instead of that regular bullshit they get."  Kelly thought, as she began to pass out on the floor…….
 

*************
Flash forward to……….

California…(I wish..)…...June 20, 1999….Valerie is in English class…unsuspecting..she doesn't know what is about to hit her……….

    Kelly runs into the classroom with a camera following close behind…."Val…we won." "We're gonna be on FANatic and we're gonna interview *N Sync!!!"

    Valerie puts her head in her hands and begins to cry.  She slowly gets up and looks at her classmates who are all laughing hysterically.  She runs out with Kelly….

    "This is so amazing!!!" she says.  "Oh, I forgot something….I"ll be right back."

    Val runs back into the classroom while Kelly and the camera crew wait outside.  Out of nowhere, someone yells, "Nerd!" and everyone begins to laugh.

    "Uh, I just came back to tell you that it's not *N Sync that Kelly and I are gonna meet…..IT'S KORN!!!"  The whole classroom begins to scream and yell.  They all start jumping up and down "Yeah!!!!  Korn man!!  Korn!!!"  Girls expose themselves while the guys begin to play air guitar and bang their heads wildly.  The whole class begins pumping their fists in the air…as a tribute to their new idol-Val.  "Val!! Val!! Val!!! Val!!!"   Valerie looks around feeling that her goal was accomplished.  She runs back out where Kelly and the FANatic camera crew are waiting.

    "What was all that screaming about?" asked Kelly.
 
    "I don't know.  I got what I wanted…..we can go now."

    The girls run out where a white limousine is waiting.

    Once they get heading out, the girls begin to check out the limo.

    "Got any whiskey in here?" asks Val, an obvious alcoholic. (haha Val!!!)

    The cameramen look around confused.  "Uhhh, we're fresh out.  Instead why don't you tell us how much *N Sync has inspired you?"

    Val and Kelly look at each other blankly.

    "Nah, I don't really feel like it.  Anyways, *N Sync doesn't inspire us that much.  We just think that they're hot.  That's about it."

    Kelly glances around the limo some more. "Hey…got a tv?"

    "Sure….it's over there." The cameraman pointed in the corner where a small tv was located.

     "Oh my gawd!! They're playing The Golden Girls reruns!!!" Val and Kelly high-five.  "Score!!"

    The girls begin dancing in the car and begin to sing the golden girls theme song…..

    "Thank you for bein' a friend…travel down the road and back again….." (side note: yes that's the real golden girls theme song. I happen to thoroughly enjoy The Golden Girls.  Go me.)

************
Later that day……

    Kelly and Val arrived at the stadium where they would be interviewing *N Sync.

    "They're not ready yet.  2 more minutes."
 
    Kelly rolled her eyes.  "Oh well….it'll give us time to get ready."

    They both looked into the mirror.  Kelly pulled her tube top down a little…to give the boys a little treat.  Val gave her "*N Sync  or  Death" shirt one last look, and the girls looked at each other and nodded in approval.  They were ready.

    "*N Sync is ready now"  And so were their boys.

    Kelly and Val headed into the interview room.  They walked up to each of the guys and shook their hands…first Joey, then JC, then Lance and Chris.  When Kelly got up to Justin, instead of shaking his hand, she jumped up on him and begin kissing him all over his face.  "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you!!!"  A big bodyguard ran over and pulled her off of Justin.
 
    "What?  I was just giving him the official Idahoan greeting!  Ya liked that didn'tcha?"
 
    Justin rolled his eyes.

    The girls went over to their seats and sat down.
 
    "Now time for the questions."
 
    The boys all sighed, hoping that the interview would be over soon.
 
    Kelly leaned over and whispered into Val's ear, "We don't HAVE any questions!!!"

    "Shit....ummm, we'll just make something up okay?!"
 
    "Uhhh.....fine."
 
    "Okay…ummmmm......which of you guys have girlfriends?"
 
    "None of us….we're single and ready to mingle!!"
 
    "Hahahahahaha……no.  We applaud the effort boys, but we know that ain't so…so just dish the goods.  Or how about we dish the goods?"
 
     The boys looked at each other in terror.
 
    "Okay okay!! Chris is dating someone, JC is dating someone, Lance just broke up with someone and Justin and me just pick up whores along the way!!! We confess dammit!! We confess!!" Joey began twitching and shaking.
 
    Kelly and Val gave each other high fives.  "We knew it haha we knew it!!"

    Val then got a hurt look on her face and ran over to Chris, and pointed in his face.  "You suck Chris!!"  she began sobbing…"We were meant to be together you bastard!!!"  She ran out of the room.
 
    "How could you Chris?"  Kelly shook her head in disgust.  "How could you?"
 
    "What?!?!" tears began forming in Chris' eyes.  "I'm  just really crazy okay."  Chris wiped the tears from his eyes. "Really....*sniff*.... crazy."

    Moving on…
 
    "Would you ever date a fan?"
 
    "Oh absolutely!!"
 
    Valerie walked back into the room….

    "Dang it reeks in here. I smelled that bullshit from a mile away.  Like you would ever date a fan.   Give me SOME credibility here people.  I DO have a D- average, okay……"
 
    Kelly looked over at Justin a gave him a seductive look.  "I don't know Val, I bet they'd date a fan. If it were
the right person."  She gave Justin a wink and then she licked her lips.

     "Ewwww." Justin thought as he shuddered.

    "Maybe there's hope for me yet." Val said, eyeing Chris, who was playing with his shirt.  "Chris....you're caaarrrraaazy."

    Chris' head shot up.  "Wha---what did you say?"

    "I said you're crazy. Very crazy."

    Chris smiled.  "Well, I try."  he blushed and ran his hands through his hair.  Well, actually he TRIED to run his hands through his dreads, but they got stuck and he had to take his hands out of his hair. (He really IS crazy!!!  HAHAHAHA!!!!)
 
    "AHEM, if you had the opportunity to kill Lou Pearlman or "Big Poppa" as you like to call him, would you?……and if the answer is yes….Val can arrange that for you. She's got connections ya know."

     Val nodded.  "I do.  I can get it done real cheap too.  Here," she got into her official *N Sync purse, and dug around a while, removing her *N Sync pen, *N Sync diary, *N Sync tissues, and *N Sync keychains and finally pulled out a few cards.  "These are a few cards of people I know....tell em Val Kirkpatrick sent ya, and they'll take care of ya."
 
      Justin looked around the room for help.  "Ummm, can someone get these psychos outta here? They're cramping our style."

    Security walked over to Kelly and Val and grabbed them quicker then you can say 'Anbesol', they then preceded to take them to the door and toss them out on their sorry asses.

    Kelly and Val got up and ran to the door and started banging on it and screaming for the guys to let them back in.
 
    "Maybe we should let them back in." said Lance, feeling sorry for them cause he's from Mississippi.
 
    The rest of the guys nodded in agreement.
 
    So, Chris got up and went over to the door and opened it up.
 
    Val got excited,  jumped up on him, and began kissing him all over.  "I knew you'd be back!!!"

    Weeeeellll, actually, you guys can't ask us anymore questions, but we brought you back in to give you something.

    Val and Kelly looked at each other excitedly.

    "We have front row tickets for ya'll to our show tonight!!"

    "Aaaagh!!!!!!"  Kelly and Val began to scream and jump up and down.

    "But," began Justin, "you guys have to promise to dance and sing to all of our songs. So we're gonna be watching you and you better be dancing to Tearin' Up My Heart and I Want You Back........"

    Justin stopped speaking when he looked up and saw Val and Kelly doing the Tearin' Up My Heart dance,
surprisingly in sync.  "We're one step ahead of you Justy!!"
 
    Lance nodded in approval. "Nice work-almost as good as my dancing skills."

    Kelly and Val stopped dancing suddenly and put their heads down in shame. If they were being compared to Lance, they knew that they were no good.  All of those months of practicing obviously didn't work. :(

    "Well," Justin said as handing them their tickets, "we've gotta go now and practice for our show, but we'll look forward to seeing you there!"

    Kelly snatched the tickets from Justin's hands, "Yank! I'll be taking these!!"
 
    "Well bye girls!!"

    "Bye!" replied Val and Kelly and they both got down on their knees and began bowing to the guys.
 
     "Chris, since I'm down on my knees, do ya need anything???"

    "Naaah...." said Chris as he slowly backed out of the room.

     "Me?" said Joey.

    "No way!!" said a disgusted Valerie, as she shuddered.

    Kelly and Val went to their hotel room to get ready for the concert..........

***********
At The Hotel....

    "Kelly...do you think Chris would like it if I put my hair in dreadlocks?"

    "Go for it girl! He'd probably fall in love!!  I actually brought a bottle of babyblue hair dye for my hair!! I also brought a babyblue skirt and my t-shirt with Justin on the front!!  We will be sooooo cool!!"
 
    "I know it!!  Let's write all over ourselves professing our love to the guys too!!!"

    "How do you think of this stuff?!" asked Kelly, obviously amazed at Val's great ideas.

    Val shrugged.  "It's a gift.......I don't own it."

***********
2 hours later, the girls are ready and they're heading to the show....

    They finally get to the venue and after 20 minutes of running around and sticking their front row tickets in everyone's faces and yelling, "Front row baby!! Kiss my ass!!!", they finally took their seats.

    "Okay...lets make sure we have all of our *N Sync Concert Essentials." said Val, pulling out item by item as Kelly checked it off of her list.....
 
    "Cameras"
 
    "Check"

    "Mace"
 
    "Check"

    "Tampons"

    "Check"  said Val as she began laughing.  She came up with a brilliant idea while at the hotel.  You'll see that later.

    The Sugar Hill Gang came on and began singing...and Kelly and Val did the robot the entire time.  All of the members of the Sugar Hill Gang shook their heads in disbelief--they had never witnessed such a disturbing act.

    After a confused Sugar Hill Gang left, Jordan Knight came out and did his routine. Val and Kelly sat down in protest to him though.  Val is still upset with him for turning down her proposal when she was in the 5th grade. Bad decision.  She threw a few tampons at him, but stopped when Kelly hit her.  "Those are to be saved for later!!! Don't waste them....our supply is very limited!!"
 
    Finally, after waiting 4 hours for *N Sync's hackey-sack routine to FINALLY end, *N Sync came on.  They started jumping up and down and beginning their first song which was Here We Go...finally, they got to the verse that Kelly and Val had been waiting for, "Yes yes yes here we go, *N Sync has got the flow!!"
 
    At that point, Kelly and Val started throwing tampons violently at the guys on stage.  Poor Lance was even knocked down for a few minutes...not that it mattered.  But the girls achieved their goal and they breathed a sigh of relief, because now they could fully enjoy the show.

    Finally, after an hour, the show ended, and the FANatic crew started to leave.

    "Wait!!! When will you play our show?!" asked Val

    "We're not!! You're both disgusting, crazy lunatics and you need to be locked away!! We just taped you to get our days worth of pay!! Get the hell away from us!"  the cameramen and crew ran away so fast, that it didn't do Val and Kelly any good to chase after them.

    "Hmmm....that was odd!! They're just being big practical jokers is all I bet!!" Kelly said.

    "Yeah!!  Those guys are silly!"

    Val and Kelly then began skipping away from the concert venue, singing what else? “Email My Heart” by Britney Spears.  "It's been hours, seems like days since you've been away...and all I do is check the screen just to see if you're okay......"

    So, basically that was the FANatic that they never aired.  Kelly and Val still aren't sure why they didn't air it.  I guess it was too….intricite should I say….anyway,  Val still thinks that Chris is a bastard....but she still plans on marrying him and having 3 kids with him...and she would also like to adopt Busta too.  Kelly still thinks that Justin is Sir Boylicious.  Oh yes, Val is still maintaining her D- average and yes, the girls DO stalk *N Sync…..on occasion.