I know that many men find it rather confusing that some women see shopping as a recreational activity.  Rather than accepting that maybe buying shoes is not the best way to spend a bright summer day, I would like to present an argument to those who do not enjoy shopping: it is possible that you are not doing it right!  I mean think about it, the excitement of getting that “I Love Lucy” Collector’s Video at half off, the crisp sound of your new purchase being wrapped in light pink tissue paper – pure heaven.  Shopping is an art and I would like to help other men understand that.

Tip 1:  Prepare like you mean it.
   I think that a lot of other men overlook the fact that sometimes shopping can be an all day affair.  That means, make sure you are comfortable and don’t have any other solid plans that day.  Also, make sure that everything at home (like your pet ferret) is going to be looked after.  This way you will have nothing to worry about.   Pack a water bottle, bring trail mix, or whatever you need to keep yourself going.   Make sure that your shoes are both stylish and comfortable.  Malls are pretty big and those trips to and from the dressing room really add on the mileage.  Think marathon preparation.  I suggest training up to 6 months in advance by dancing for at least 7.3826 hours a day.  Pace yourself while shopping and take breaks.  You don’t want anyone to think you are weak, do you?

Tip 2: No Matter What – “She Does Not Look Fat In That!!!”
     Every man has been out with his “significant other” when she tries something on and pulls him over to ask what he really thinks about it.  My advice is be honest through lying.  Don’t let her buy something that looks awful on her, but don’t let her know that she looks awful in it.  Even if parts of her body are hanging out all over the place, come up with another reason for her not to buy it.  Never tell her it makes her look, well. . .anything other than stunning.  Instead, try the flattering approach.  My personal favorite is “Well baby, you look great as always. . .but I don’t think that tight top does enough to bring out the gold flecks in your eyes.”  As long as she doesn’t know that what you really mean is “Don’t buy that, it looks like you picked it out of a dumpster behind Marilyn Manson’s house,” everything will be fine.

Tip 3:  Discounts are Manly
     Lots of guys I know just go out, find what they need, and buy it.  There is no price comparing at different stores, no exploring different styles, no real APPRECIATION for the material.  I mean come on, why not shop around and get something you love rather than something that will just do the job?  Lots of girls like it when a guy knows the difference between Structure and a hole in the wall.  We boyband members do have an unfair advantage because we have lots of money and stylists to do the work for us, but mortal men can learn reasonably priced style instead.  Spending some real time in the store and figuring out just how much you can get in your price range shows that you are smart.  It shows that you know what you want, and even more exciting – it shows that you might be willing to use the money you saved to buy that special girl in your life some NSYNC Lip Balm.

Tip 4:  There’s no Crying in Shopping
    Tom Hanks once said “There’s no crying in baseball.”  Well, the same goes for marathon shopping.  When a girl is about to slip on a pair of side-laced dark blue flares, the last thing she wants to hear is her boyfriend crying that he can’t feel his entire right side or something silly like that.  She is really enjoying herself and it is rather thoughtless of you to mess that up.  Believe me, you are going to want the same courtesy when she lets you into Bloomies!

 There you go boys.  Four easy steps to put you on the road to understanding the Zen of Shopping.  Just don’t forget to breathe and remember that’s it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.  You too can be enlightened.  It just might take a lot of time, and money of course.

-SailorVal