Dear Chris,

 I have been thinking about this for a long time and  I think that I have come to a rather important conclusion: you need me.  Now before calling the police and getting that restraining order, I think that you should at least hear me out.  When I say that you would benefit from knowing me, I am in no way saying that we are a) soul-mates b) sexually compatible or c) going to get married someday.  Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way adverse to any of these options once we get to know each other better, but for now I think we have to be realistic about being the total strangers that we are.  So here I am, trying to explain to you why we would benefit from each other’s company.  First, there is the obvious – my status level will go WAY up.  There would be a lot of perks to knowing a superstar, and you could get a good nights sleep knowing that you are using your powers for good by helping a socially inept (and might I add lonely and pathetic) college student.  Just think about it, I would never have to pay for FuManSkeeto gear ever again, and you can pat yourself on the back for your humanitarian contributions!   Could life be any more perfect?  Second, we would make each other laugh.  I know that I find you funny, and I think that this letter is doing an excellent job at displaying my wit and generally fabulous sense of humor.  I mean, you weren’t taking any of this seriously, right? Are you sure?  Just checking, in case you really did want to take me up on that whole “soul mates” or “marriage” thing.   And now we come to the third and possibly most important reason why you and I should “meet and greet” – most other men are turned off by the fact that I listen to your group.  They see my NSYNC poster hung lovingly by the side of my bed and run away as if I threatened to “kick their puppy” so to speak.  Seeing how your group is better then your average pop group, thanks to that whole “dirty pop” idea you ingeniously came up with, I don’t think that I should be treated this way.  In fact, I think I deserve some sort of fan occupational hazard compensation for all those potential dates I have missed out on just because I find you and the rest of your band-mates irresistible.  So the only logical conclusion to my problem is that you be the one to fill the social holes that you and your music have caused.  I am only asking for you to fulfill your moral responsibility. *smirk*
         Well, since you have gotten this far into the letter and have not felt the inescapable urge to jump out of your seat and contact me, I can see that my arguments are simply not strong enough.   You can’t blame me for trying though.  We can still be friends, I guess.  Just remember that I am here if you need me.  With the way things are going, looks like I’ll be here forever.  At least one of us has relationship security.  Damn you for being so cute.

                           Love,

                                            Val

PS- I make a mean Pop-Tart