"3 nuns greatest sins"
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided
to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a
week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn
into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the
money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins.
Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait
to get off this train."
*
************************
- The Bartender
This guy goes into a bar, says to the bartender, "I'll
bet you 50 dollars I can bite my eye."
So the bartender, wanting to see this anyway, lays down
50 dollars. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it.
He then says, "OK, I'll give you another chance, I'll bet
you 50 dollars I can bite my other eye." So the bartender
thinks, he can't have two glass eyes, and lays 50 more
down on the bar.
The guy then takes out his false teeth and bites his other
eye. The bartender is upset, so the guy says, "OK, I'll
bet you double or nothing you can slide a shot glass the
length of the bar and I can run along side and pee in it
without spilling a drop."
The bartender thinks, I have to see this...so he slides a
shot glass the length of the bar and the guy misses completely
and pisses all over the bar!
The bartender is so happy he won, he proceeds to jump up and
down cheering. Just then, a guy at the back of the bar stands
up and curses and kicks the bar stool.
As the guy is paying the bartender, the bartender asks, "Gee,
wonder what's his problem?"
"Oh him? I bet him a thousand dollars I could piss all over
the bar and make the bartender happy about it!"
********************
Hard to Understand
Bob was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the
table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an
article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a
football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ
and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his
face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the
most attractive wives."
Marlene replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
**************
THE TRUTH
A careful study of economics usually reveals
that the best time to buy anything is last year.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains,
and gives them to everyone else.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but
it uses up a thousand times more memory.
Accomplishing the impossible means only
the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Character is like a fence - it cannot be
strengthened by whitewash.
Grandma's advice: Do your best and leave
the rest.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes
leaves completely.
No one should live by the early bird policy
without finding out whether he classifies as
a bird or a worm.
Sometimes I think I understand everything,
then I regain consciousness.
The measure of a man's intelligence is inversely
proportional to the amount of time he keeps his
mouth open.
The trouble with staying at home is you never
find out just how good it is to get back.
When trouble arises and things look bad,
there is always one individual who perceives
a solution and is willing to take command.
Usually, that individual is crazy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There was once two identical twins, born in Greece and they
were separated at birth. One was sent to Mexico and was named
Juan. The other was sent to Saudi Arabia and named Amal.
Thirty years later, their family arranged for a reunion of
the two. They waited at the airport for the planes to arrive.
The plane from Mexico arrived and everyone hugged Juan and
they kissed. So they went to pick up Amal from the gate where
his plane had landed.
There was the plane, but no Amal. He had missed his flight.
So one of their relatives said: "It's no big deal, their
identical twins. Once you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
********************
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Idiot Sighting 1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when
the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?
I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?
He smiled and nodded knowingly. That's why we ask.
Idiot Sighting 2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded,
appalled, What on earth are blind people doing driving?
Idiot Sighting 3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the
company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, this is
fun. We should have lunch like this more often. Not another word was
spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the
headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting 4:
I worked with an individual who pluged in her power cord back into
itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system
would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting 5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered it was open. Hey, I announced to the technician, It's
open! I know, answered the young man. I already got that side.
THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
________________
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was
young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she
noticed
his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your
barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he
happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to
have
some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones,
when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also
notice a
soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no
sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel
bags."
________________
Points to ponder
"Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
------------------------------------------------
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
-------------------------------------------------
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
-------------------------------------------------
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin
-------------------------------------------------
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
* Lewis Grizzard
--------------------------------------------------
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
---------------------------------------------------
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
* Dave Barry
----------------------------------------------------
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Pittman
----------------------------------------------------
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they weren't trying to
teach
you how to swim..."
* Paula Poundstone
----------------------------------------------------
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow
learner!"
* Lynda Montgomery
-------------------------------------------------------
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni
-------------------------------------------------------
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
* Johnny Carson
--------------------------------------------------------
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez
---------------------------------------------------------
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson
----------------------------------------------------------
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
* Marsha Warfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
* Oscar Wilde
------------------------------------------------------------
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain
*********************
The Preacher's Horse
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and upon being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing decided to purchase one and
enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price
for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter
it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!
The Bishop was buried the next day.
---------------------------
These are actual writings taken from hospital records:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in
the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
----------------------------
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new
practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front
of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals &
Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him
please to change it.
The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:
"Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they
demanded that the doctor come up with a decent sign that
would not offend the townspeople.
So, the doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds &
Ends."
---------------------
LIFE IS FUNNY
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we
have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it
can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National
Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer,
then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more
money so we can move back to the farm.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our
"yearning power."
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend
three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are
out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we
still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and
still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the
world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
------------------------
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by
car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile.
The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and
waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm
animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to
explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where
they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so
engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of
road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the
possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car,
but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The
tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a
broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals
are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside
the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens
are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!"
bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows
away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely.
"These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the
farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away
the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their
wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with
that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great
horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the
tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
--------------------------------------
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with
great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the
river."
And the congregation again cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take
it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher finished his sermon and sat down.
The song leader then stood up sheepishly and announced,
"For our closing song today will you now turn to hymn number 365,
'Let Us Gather at the River.' "
------------------------
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off
to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation:
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took
her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up
and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die
a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face,
then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking
aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her
wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to
compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and
asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
---------------
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together,
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel
when
he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from
the
bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing
his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him
well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and
stared, and
she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what
we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The
doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended
sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the
husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a
week.
The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days?"
The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday,
but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
-------------------------
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."
-----------------------------
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank.
They were
in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited,
Lil'
Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom,
she's
really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave
an
understanding smile.
Lil' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny
spread
his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is
'that'
wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely
scolds
her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how
the fat
hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and so
his
mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at
the top
of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"
---------------------------------------
At a large college there was a football player that was
extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was
really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but
he just couldn't catch him.
One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart
boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.
So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally
given himself away. His answer looked like this:
10. me neither
-------------------------------
A police officer thought he had a perfect location to watch
for speeders until one day everyone was well under the speed
limit. Curious, he investigated and it didn't take long to
find the cause. A 10 year old boy was standing by the
roadside with a huge hand-painted sign reading "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." His accomplice, about 100 yards beyond the trap, also
had a sign which read "TIPS" and a large bucket filled with
change.
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She
opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back
into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went
to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily
back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the
lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it
and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions,
the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There
certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
----------------
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will three times!"
----------------- KIDS
