Fredrick hand selects the letters from the many he receives, depending on whether he thinks they may be able to help others.
Current Issues Letters
Past Issues Letters
Dear Fredrick,
My fiancee and I have been
living together for three years.
Though we love each other,
there's a problem that's causing
a rift between us. In all the time
we've been together, she's only
come once while we were
making love. I can make her
come during foreplay or after
making love sometimes but not
often and it always takes a very
long time. I have never had this
problem with other women and
it really bothers me as I really
like making my partner enjoy our
sex as much as I do. Perhaps
the reason is that she was a
prostitute for 7 or 8 years
before I met her. Please help. I
don't want to lose her but
sometimes I get really nasty
about it. I'll try anything.
As a personal opinion, I think that a person's past sexual life has nothing to do with their ability to have an orgasm. You say that you get really nasty about it, and this may be what is causing such difficulty in an orgasm. You want to get her to relax, not feel like she HAS to have an orgasm. There are very few women who have orgasms every time they have sex, and you can check this fact with most of the women you know. Since you said you will try anything, try relaxing, and treating her like she is the queen of your world. Love her, hold her, tempt her, and tease her, and the rest will fall into place....
Dear Fredrick,
I met a guy at a club about a month ago. I really like him a lot, but the situation is kind of weird. He's eight years older than myself. We'll be together for a few days, and them I don't hear from him for a few days. When he does call, he acts like we just talked yesterday and like nothing is wrong. Is he just screwing me over because I'm a lot younger than him? I have also seen him at clubs and he pretends not to see me. I also pretend not to see him! Should I just leave this guy alone even though I really do like him?
I get a lot of letters dealing with age differences, but this one is sort-of of unique. The fact that some guys are very insecure about themselves, and cannot see themselves committing to a relationship, causes them to act like jerks.
By playing along with his act that nothing is wrong when he calls you, and by ignoring him whenever you are in the club, you are letting him play this silly, inconsiderate game. I say you get rid of him, let him play with someone else's emotions. His time will come, and he will "grow up" one day. There are plenty men out there that will treat you right.
Dear Fredrick,
I've had a lot of
experience with fellatio
with various partners, and
I've always swallowed the
semen. With my current
lover, I've suddenly been
unable to do this and it
honestly concerns me. I
don't necessarily have to
swallow the semen, but I
worry why I've started
gagging. Now even the
idea of swallowing makes
me feel sick. I don't want
this to have an impact on
my sex life, as my
boyfriend really looks
forward to oral sex and I
enjoy giving it. Any
suggestions on how I can
get over this?
I read different books to see if I could come up with a technical answer, and there is no specific one. My guess is that you choked on his semen once for some outside reason (maybe you weren't feeling good, or it went down the air tubes) and now you are subliminally thinking about it. When you go to perform fellatio, your mind tells you that you are going to choke, so you start hesitating and causing yourself to choke. This never happened before because you never though about choking before.
Dear Fredrick,
I am very aware that
masturbation is a healthy
part of everyone's being.
My partner and I have
what I consider to be an
active sex life -- we
explore together and have
tried many different
things, yet he still insists
on masturbating to
pornography on his own.
This happens daily and he
waits until I'm not there.
Every time he makes the
suggestion that I go
shopping, go see a friend
or take a hot bath, I'm
immediately suspicious
and think he just wants to
get rid of me because he
wants to masturbate. This
situation has me feeling
very inadequate. How
much is too much? Is he
addicted or am I insecure?
Most of the guys I have talked to that admit to masturbation (and very few do) do it because of lack of sexual activity. If they have not had sex in a long time, it begins to be a routine activity, and they feel comfortable with it. If your partner is masturbating to pornography, it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you, or that you are doing something wrong. What you should be worried about, is the fact that he is trying to hide it. If he feels like this needs to be kepy secret, then what else is he hiding? Communicate with him. Confront him about it in a non-hostile, calm way, so he won't get defensive.
My current significant other was
sexually abused by a boyfriend
when she was around 13 years
old. She feels no sexual
stimulation, and read
somewhere that what happened
to her when she was young may
have caused it. Is there any way
for her to get her sexual
sensation back?
I have read in many books that sexual abuse at a young age can cause trauma later on in relationships. I looked it up and found that there is a solution. I am not a "real" doctor, and I would suggest your girlfriend see a sex therapist as soon as possible. The books and journals claimed she can get over this with both the doctor's and your help, but not alone. I believe they are correct.
I have met a guy over the
Internet in a chat-room. We
instantly clicked and I find myself
falling for him more and more
every day. He is just so sweet
and caring to me. I honestly
never knew a man could be like
that. The problem is that I told
him I weigh less than I do. That
is the only lie I have ever told
him. I am on this diet now, and I
hope I get down to my ideal
weight by next Christmas when
we are planning on meeting. I
am scared that I am not going to
be down far enough by then--I
have a lot to lose. I was just
wondering if I should make an
excuse and put off the meeting
until I am down to the weight
he's expected (and hopefully I
get there), or do I tell him the
truth: that I was big when we
first met, that I lied about my
weight then because I didn't
think it would go that far, and
that as I saw that we were
developing a relationship, I tried
to lose as much as I could, but
am still not quite down yet? Do I
ask if he still wants to meet me?
I know you are probably going
to say to be honest with him
now, but I don't want to lose
him. I have been trying to lose
weight long before I met him,
and though I have lost some, I
still have a ways to go. To meet
the man of my dreams is sure an
inspiration to me! I don't know
what to do and I am worrying
about this. What do you think?
Your letter illustrates the problem
with meeting people on the Web.
Knowing that you lied to him
about your weight, what are the
odds that he's lied to you about
something? All this anonymous
meeting of people in cyberspace
poses a lot of risks. Now there are
people who can look you right into
the eyes and tell the most
bold-faced lie and you'd never
know it, but that's not the way it
is with most people. Body
language is a very important
means of communication, and
there's none of it in cyberspace.
More important than telling him
about your weight is how much
you are investing, psychologically,
into this meeting. You're worried
about not meeting his
expectations, but your
expectations about him are way up
there as well. So I think that you
should be honest with him in order
to bring yourself back down to
earth. I'm all for fantasies, but not
for living in a fantasyland. Go
ahead and meet with this guy,
making sure that it's in a public
space where you can make a fast
escape if need be, and don't count
on finding your true love. I'm not
saying you won't, just that you
shouldn't count on it. And don't
wait to start looking around for a
real person to fall in love with. If
the opportunity comes along to go
to a party where you might meet a
man, go with an open mind. Don't
stay home saying to yourself you
already have a boyfriend. Having
an open-minded attitude can serve
two purposes: It will protect you
against an unnecessary
heartbreak, and it will also make
you seem more attractive to this
man, whatever your weight.
Past Issue Letters
Dear Fredrick,
I have fallen in love on the Internet with someone I have never met or touched, but the sexual feelings I have for him are real. The problem is that I am married and my husband found out! He is beyond upset and he feels like I have cheated on him. Is this considered adultry and what should I do? I love both my online lover and my husband, and I don't want to leave either of them! *********
Sweetheart, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. A lot of married people have online "affairs" and sexual encounters on the web. The only problem is, you got caught. If you and your husband can sit down and talk about your feelings, he might understand (or at least try to understand) how you feel about your online "lover." If he is not willing to share you (which is most likely) then you have to be prepared to make a choice, your online lover, or your husband. Unless you and your husband are really not in love, then there really should be no comparison when you look at it:
- Your husband is real, living flesh...
- Your internet lover can drop your relations at anytime without a reason, and you will be left completely alone.
- Your internet lover might be in it for the "cyber-sex" portion and nothing more...
- You will probably never know how sincere your internet lover is....
- You and your husband must have had something special to get married....
I suggest you stay with your husband, but the choice is up to you and him.
I've been dating this man from another college for about six months now. He is charming, handsome, and everything a woman could ask for except that he has an ex-girlfriend with a two-year-old son back at the college he attends. We visit each other two times a month, and we have never made love, but the last time we came so close we had to stop ourselves. It's almost time for another visit, but I know this time we won't be able to stop. What's crazy about it all, is I don't want to stop because I love him!
Should I satisfy both myself and his wants by making love to him? How can I be sure that his feelings are real and he won't leave me after we make love?***********
If you are satisfied with this relationship, then I only see one problem, the fact that you have doubts about the sincerity of your relationship. I personally have tried long-distance relationships a couple of times, and they can work IF and only if the love is sincere and the two people are loyal. The problem comes when there are third parties involved like his ex-girlfriend; if she still wants to be with him, then his son gives her an excuse to be around him and keep trying. As for making love to him, if it feels right and you are using safe-sex (remember you don't know what he is doing or who he is doing it to while he is away) then go with your feelings. Just be careful not to expect too much, because you will be setting yourself up for more hurt in the end.....
I have a wonderful
lover, but we once
watched an adult movie and I
am now very self-conscious
because I have a small clitoris. I
feel like a freak. Is there
anything I can do to make it
protrude more so that I would
feel sexier? I am afraid of losing
my boyfriend because I am not as
sexual as I should be and I feel
so different. Please help me.
Sweetheart, as I have told many couples who have written my about adult films, they do not show ideal portraits of real life. Just like the average guy does not have a huge penis like in the adult movies, the average woman does not have a huge clitoris. Breasts, genitalia, and butts come in different sizes, and they have nothing to do with performance in sex, just personal choice. If your boyfriend hasn't complained about your clitoris size (and most men won't), don't worry about losing him over it. If he does leave you and blame it on your clitoris size, he is not worth keeping anyways.
I really hope you can help me out. Before I begin, let me say "thank you" for providing this service. I like being anonymous regarding this.
First, a little about me so you can understand the situation. I am male, in my twenties, and currently attending college in Nevada. During my lifetime I have had sex three times, with two different girls. They were 16, I was 20. This happened about four years ago. Since then, I have not had sex, and even at that time I did not have an orgasm, even though I can (that's not the problem).
I have been told by girls that I'm handsome, good-looking, sexy and fun to be with. And yet, I haven't had a girlfriend or sex for years. I very much want to have a girlfriend, and I very much want to have sex.*******
Thanks for the compliment. First of all, girls see you for what you are. If you present yourself as being a "friendly, guy next door" type of person, that is all you will ever be. If you want a sincere relationship, present yourself as a man looking for a relationship. I suggest you keep your female friends though, friends last forever, and you are still young enough where you have plenty of time for sex. I suggest you wait it out, when you are looking for sex it never happens, unless you are a supermodel or a muscle freak out looking for a disease. Believe me, there is a girl out there who would love to get their hands on you for a one night stand, but be careful. ******
My girlfriend and I enjoy sex very
much. We have discussed having
someone videotape us having
sex. I would also like to have a
photographer capture her lovely
nakedness on film. We have
discussed this often but we don't
know if we can trust anyone to
protect our privacy.
Also, we have several rolls of
35mm film that we have taken of
ourselves. Many are erotic
pictures of her. She will not let
me send them away to be
developed because she is afraid
the developers will let them fall
into the wrong hands and our
privacy will be infringed.
We both want our pictures taken
and want to have sex in front of
a camera, but where and how
do we find places we can trust?
I have only one word for you. Tripod. If you have a video camera, and inexpensive tripod will give you the ability to make a film of both of you having sex, without needing a photographer. If you are not satified with the quality of the film, then you can consider a professional. As for developing the pictures, I would get a Polariod camera so that you don't even have to deal with sending the pictures off for development.
One thing I wouldn't suggest, and that is to have a personal friend (unless you can really trust them) film the videos. This opens up opprotunites for not only an invasion of privacy, but an ending of a friendship due to lack of responsibility.
My girlfriend of five years told me
about a fantasy she has. She
likes to think about me
masturbating in front of her and
another woman. The other
woman would not be actively
involved at any point, but would
simply observe me masturbate,
and watch me make love to my
wife. In fact, my girlfriend even
insists that this woman in her
fantasy is fully clothed! I have
come to find this fantasy very
erotic as well. My girlfriend now
wants to find another woman
and actually act out the fantasy.
I am both excited and
apprehensive about doing
something like this. I have no
interest in having sex with
another woman, and my girlfriend
insists that's not what this is
about at all. Is it OK to let
another woman watch if it turns
both of us on? Is the reality ever
as good as the fantasy?
This is a sticky situation for several reasons. First of all, you said your girlfriend does not want the other girl to be undressed, but if the other girl starts mastrubating or getting naked, will you be able to resist having sex with her? Also, if it does turn into a threesome, and you enjoy sex with the other woman more than your girlfriend, will you be able to tell your girlfriend? Will the affair continue as a twosome?
Take these into consideration before you carry through with this.