True Angst from days gone by.
Todays Angst contains:-
Lifes Choices - pain in the arse or a necessary evil?
The Army - Why?
That boring bloke in my Art Class
Tony Blair : Old Womens favourite
Old men going out with young Girls
The Special Brew crew in Leigh
Dale Winton - Just what is the point?
Vanessa and Kilroy for lunch
I hate it when life appears to be sorting itself out one way and then your given another bloody option. You don't know which one to take, you are really confused and you just wish life would stay how it was. OK so i'm terrible at choosing but it's even worse when you wern't expecting to have to.
You know what I also hate - the Army. People move off to go and join the Army. WHY? You go there and you get screamed at by an oversized man with a 'tash. Well, I don't know about you, but I can fuckin' get that at home. Call me a pussy or what you like but I'd rather stand in a bucket of my own shite barefoot than to join the Army. Look at the adverts for the TA. Gang of people just come back from the pub, jump into a van with some chips to listen to the football results. The advert also gives them the other option that they could be fighting in a foriegn country up to their necks in shit. OH I WONDER WHAT OPTION SOUNDS BETTER?
It's all down to choices again innit. Fuckin' hell if life was simple 'eh. I suppose it would be a lot more boring.
Which brings me to that guy in my Art class. I'm not going to mention his name but he is SOOOO boring! People should be killed that are that boring. Does anyone like you? NO! Sod off then!
MUM L: 'Have a nice day dear'
MATT L: 'Don't tell me what kind of day to have'
Tony Blair. Honest face? No I don't think so. The guy looks like he's been given a constant blow job. I mean you've got to have something going on if you can consistantly keep a smile for that long. Any way it's only the old women who trust him and they are just daft, smelly old witches. I swear 95% of old women are utter piss. Just made out of solidified piss. THEY FUCKING REEK! THEY 'UMM! When they speek to you you don't know where the infernal noise is coming from because there's SO many wrinkles on their face's they could have several thousand mouths.
All the world's problems however are down to Men going out with Girls where the age difference is more than 15 years. I mean what is going on there. For frig's sake what is wrong with you people. These men obviously can't go for women of a similar age because:
a)They can't hold a coversation on a mature level without mentioning the words 'Willy' or 'Bum'.
b)They have never had a girlfreind in their lives so they start with a young girl to make up for lost time at school.
c)They have unhealthy infatuations with young girls.
Is this starting to make sense now. An older guy is not a status symbol he is a cry for help. Yes, I'd agree, if the filthy bastard has money. Shag him (to see what he's like and to get into his will), poison him (to get rid of the shit) and reap the benefits. If your just doing it for the pleasure of being in love - GET A FRIGGING GRIP. He's old, horrid, slimey and not worth your time of day. Fuck him off. Are you listening Young Mr Hurst.
Special brew crew in Leigh. Sitting there drinking beer all day. Ever wondered why no-one ever tells you to do something with your life? IT BECAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE A DOGS ARSE! Fuckin' make some changes.
ATTENTION ALL BASTARDS WHO THINK THEY'RE HARD.........your not. What you are is a skinhead retard with the most tiny dick on the whole planet. To make up for this you decide to stand in town centre with all the other members of the Terrible Waste of Air Team (TWAT's for short) and push people around. Oh your so fucking good. Well my name is Graham Hall, I will be in Bolton this weekend. I have dark hair and will be standing in Victoria Square at 11:00am. I will be the one wealding a baseball bat and if anyone thinks they are hard, Take me on. You see there is one difference between me and you. You think your hard - I KNOW i'm hard.
Is Dale Winton the most annoying thing on the planet? Yes. Why? Don't be stupid, lets look at the evidence. He presents the worlds worst game show, has a five year olds haircut, frequently wears blues suits with white polonecks underneath and firmly believes he is the son of god. OK the last one was a lie but I hate him anyway.
Would someone do me a favour? Ring the BBC and ask Vanessa to lose some fucking weight. I'm sick of turning on my Telly and seeing this human lard-bucket mouth on at me for 50 minutes about Vaginal Thrush or something. Nothing against fat people (I am one myself) but come on she looks like a giant tit. He neck is rapidly dissapearing. Perhapsd she'll eat herself up? In fact carry on Vanessa and while your at it eat that fucker KILROY-SILK as he is so far up his own arse you wont need to add any brown sause to that meal.
Anyway I feel drained now. I'll put some more angst on next week. Cheers!
Contained in today's Angst:
Kula Shaker - A horrible display of sickening arse?
Vengaboys must DIE!
'Freakboy. Clean up your act!'
They are the same.
Collage cleaners? Say no more!
PRICKMAN: ‘Hello Les! Lookin’ good?’
LES: ‘What do you mean ‘lookin’ good’? What diseased part of you mind are you spouting that Americanised crap from? If you want to ask if I am feeling OK why didn’t you just say so? Lookin’ good? Well yeah, I can still see. That shows I have good vision. It makes concrete the fact that I am looking good. How would you feel if you walked up to a blind person and said that? Fuckwit. You’d walk up to this blind person and say ‘Hello Arthur’ or whatever his name would be ‘Lookin’ Good?’ and he’d say ‘No. I’m fucking blind puke features. I can’t fucking see. How can I look good? I can’t look at all.’ The blind person would be so distressed at your blatant disregard at his disability; he would drop his white stick and wonder into the middle of the road. Because you are such a BASTARD, you would probably just say ‘Oh he’s going to get hit by that big truck’ and not do anything. The blind man would get hit by the big truck and DIE. It would be all your fucking fault you murderer. You’re a fucking murderer. Fuck off. Get out of my fucking sight.’
PRICKMAN: ‘Woah! Les I can feel a lot of pent up aggression in you. Go on man! Let it all out!’
LES: ‘OfuckingK. Here goes.’
With that Les grabs his face in what looks to be sheer agony. His NHS glasses fall to the floor. Black hair sprouts from his balding head. His sideburns become pointed and grow to a stupid length. His temper doubles and the rage can be felt pouring out of his olive sized nostrils. This meant only one thing.
PRICKMAN: ‘Oh fuckin’ hell. Les - your Matt Leonard.’
MATT LEONARD: 'Hello folks, welcome to this weeks Angst. What a week it has been as well. I can’t remember a bloody thing about it but I still have shit loads to rant about. Some things never change.
‘Your a Wizard in a blizzard it’s a mystical machine gun.’
a) Written by a seriously retarded 14-year-old girl with a penis just about to embark on a life as a child prostitute on the streets of Bangkok or
b)Was this written by a poncey 20something ‘pop-star’ with more money than sense called, ahem, Crispin.
You would be forgiven if you thought the answer was a), as those ‘lyrics’ do sound like the creation of a mentally ill person. But no, those were the creation of Kula Shaker frontman (?) Crispin Mills on their latest slice of shite cod-sixties pap, ‘Mystical Machine Gun’. What is the point? The band look like escapees from quarantine after a generation of inbreeding. And seriously, retroism is nothing to be proud of. Just because you don’t have the mental capacity to think up of something new is no reason to go ripping off a previous decade’s work of people that were once pioneers. Crispin do us all a favour, get a new wardrobe, get out of the sixties, and fuck off and do something your good at.
The Vengaboys? Don’t you just wish they’d get hit by the Vengabus? VERY HARD.
Right lets get this straight from the start. I have no problem with what Animal Rights/Greenpeace/Environmental protesters do. They actually do a lot of good for causes worth fighting for. Anyway, enough of being nice. Have theses protesters ever wondered why the don’t get as much public support as they might get? This is because they look like a collection of mouldy tramps cocks. If you want to get respect off the prejudice, cynical, tight arsed public you’ve gotta look the part. If they can’t look the part why don’t they appoint a spokesperson that does? It makes sense doesn’t it? WELL DOESN’T IT?
I have noticed a strange phenomenon over the last few months that the writer’s television programmes are getting lazy. Yes, Lazy. For Example: ‘Real Rooms’, ‘Changing Rooms’, ‘Dream House’ - I could go on but I’ll spare you. THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING SHOW!!! THEY ARE THE SAME!!! 7 poncey members of a ‘professional’ design and decoration team do over a room in your house with your money. Nice idea (no sarcasm) but this idea has been used to death now over god knows how many bleeding shows. What is even more horrendous is the members of these ‘professional’ design teams are fast becoming celebrities. The prime example being Handy Andy from ‘Changing Rooms’. Handy Andy (who incidentally sounds like a cast member from a porn film) is the ‘cheeky cockney sparrow’ DIY guy who loses his rag a bit from show to show. This layabout waste of space has now appeared on such shows as ‘The Big Breakfast’ and ‘TFI Friday’. HOW? WHY? Are we that desperate as a nation that we have to rely on DIY men off second rate shows to become celebs? If he is ever on ‘This is your Life’ (hey Les Dennis has been on it) I am going to find the Queen and burn her. Another crime of modern day telly is ‘Casualty’ AND ‘Holby City’. IT IS THE SAME FUCKING THING. I know it is supposed to be like it as it is a spin off but come on ‘Casualty’ has now been OFFICALLY crap for well over a year and to make a replica of it with even worse acting and weaker plots is just plain stupid. I think the BBC exec’s must be taking smack or something because ‘Holby City’ is the new home of David Wicks (Character name. Don’t know his real name. Don’t want to) out of Eastenders who in my eyes and may other peoples is the second most horrible male on the TV (behind Nick Berry of course). WE PAY FOR THIS TV. WE DESERVE BETTER YOU AMERICA SUCKING CORPERATE BASTARDS.
School/College Cleaners. NO. Fucking fuck off. Cleaners have to be the cruddiest people on Earth. They are just plain horrid. (One of my Auntie’s was a School Cleaner and now She’s dead) To be a cleaner your have to have an offensive face, no manners whatsoever and believe you are SO righteous that if anyone says ‘Excuse me’ to you to get past you have the GOD FUCKING GIVEN RIGHT to go on about how ‘You don’t have to do this job’ and ‘If they didn’t do the job the College would be in a disgrace’. Well good. I would rather the college be in a disgrace than have to look at your physically sickening bag of spanners that you call a face. FUCK OFF!'
With that last sentence Matt Leonard falls to the ground with exhaustion. His hair grey’s. His sideburns get shorter. The anger is visibly seeping from him. Les is back.
PRICKMAN: ‘Fuck me Les, that was angst!’
LES: ‘Yes it was and no I won’t.’
People have come up to me in the past and asked 'What causes such anger like what you have got?' The answer usually given is 'Fuck off you ugly shite.' Angst gets to us all in some way. The only way to keep my placid attitude is to let off some steam creating this page. Sometimes I am truly shaking with anger whilst typing.
IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THIS PAGES CONTENTS REMEMBER IT’S ALL CATHARTIC. IF I DIDN’T DO THIS I MAY HAVE TO TURN TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
On with the show....
Contained in today’s angst: -
All together now 'I like death....'
Finally, Mobile Phones.
TV Shows, again
Don't send me e-mails.
Hey, you! What’s your problem? There’s been a road accident on the other side of the road. Someone’s dead. They’ve been smashed to pieces in the collision. It looks horrid and it’s not the kind of thing you want to look at. APART FROM YOU YOU SICK FUCKER. This first rant is all about ‘rubberneckers’ at scenes of accidents. What are you doing? If you notice there’s an accident you say 'Oh there’s been an accident' and then fuck off. That’s what any reasonable person would do but you are a sick bastard. Yeah, you think 'Eh up, there’s been an accident. Let’s take a closer look by slowing down to an intolerable speed and have a gander to see if there’s a dead body.'
That’s all you in it for. Be honest. You looking to see if anyone’s hurt. If they are you go 'Oh look at that. That looks nasty.' OF COURSE IT LOOKS NASTY THEY’VE JUST BEEN IN A FUCKING ACCIDENT. Why don’t you get a thrill doing something else you morbid shit? Make hole in your seat so you can sit down while you fuck yourself up the arse with a cucumber. Twat. No only are you satisfying you perverted minds by sticking you nose into someone else’s tragedy but you are causing a tailback behind you the length of Linford Christies knob (25.5metres). They should bring back hanging just for you. And if you have a partner they should hang them for liking such a sick fuck as yourself. YOU ARE A BEASTY BASTARD WIPE!!!
Rod Hull in a tree.
Right, I’ve held off for as long as I can. It’s time to say it out loud. I FUCKING HATE MOBILE PHONE SHOW OFFS!!!!!! Oh my god!!! How can you live with yourself when you have you mobile phone stuck in the back pocket of you faded Levi’s for the whole fucking world to see. 'But it’s easy to get hold of if someone rings.' Don’t give me that Sunshine, you’re talking breast. You have placed you mobile phone there so the whole world can see you own a one. WE ARE NOT LIVING IN THE 80’S NOW. MOBILE PHONES ARE NOT A STATUS SYMBOL EVERY FUCKERS GOT ONE. This is what makes it so sad though. Everyone is showing off to everyone else and no one is impressed.
While I’m at it. Why do people insist on testing the rings on a mobile phone? It’s OK to test them once because you have to find out what they sound like but people insist in pressing them every fucking minute of every fucking day. WHY? WHY? WHY?Go and shag your sister like you always do, trout face.
Shit that hurt my throat.
'Call me paranoid, Call me what you will, I got a fucking feeling that.....' Well, who cares?
Nannies from Hell. Marriages from Hell. Holidays from Hell. Families at War. Hollywood Men/Kids/Women, The Cruise, The Hotel, Airport. What do these programmes all have in common apart from all being shite? Yes they all use the public to create cheap TV. I ranted last week about programmes that are the same. This is a more worrying trend. When we watch telly we don’t want to watch ourselves and about how shit life is. No we want to watch shows like Pingu, Men Behaving Badly, The Adam and Joe show and Match of the Day. These are programmes that actually take some effort to make. They are not just collections of clips of members of the public complaining/working/saying how rich they are. The worrying thing is I can almost see the TV listings ten years from now.
Sunday 10th November 2009
8.00pm - Bin cleaners from Hell.
8.30pm - The Sewerage Works (a look behind the scenes at a day in life of a Sewerage Works)
9.00 - Hollywood Shite (interviews with pieces of crap on the sidewalk of famous Hollywood streets)
10.00 - Heartbeat (yes, it would still be on)
The options are endless. This could go on for years. And if your wondering what I’m worried about remember the show The Cruise made a star of Jane McDonald. ARGH!!!
Christ has risen. Let’s give everyone an egg.
This is an e-mail I got off someone:
'Subject: This is true
editor's note: I hope you can flim flam on this jam:
I know this guy whose neighbor(sic), a young man, was home recovering from
having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Anyway,
one day he went to sleep but awoke in his bathtub full of ice and he was sore all over.
When he got out of the tub he realized HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN
and there was a note on the mirror that said "Call 911!"
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there
was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive because HE HAD opened the e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew this wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer working
on software to save the world from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls
around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all computers
get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus/Mrs. Field's cookie recipe
under the leadership of Bill Gates. (This is true-I read it all last week
in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, in addition to the free DisneyWorld
vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor bastard then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing
kidneys, but reaching into the coin slot he jabbed his finger on an HIV-infected
needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where
the little boy dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the
American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he
receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's
in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you
will have good luck but to only ten people you will only have ok luck and
if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).'
Not fucking funny. If you want to get on this page you've got to do better than that. So, I found the guy that sent me this and killed him. He deserved it.
Anyway, cheer’s for coming along again mate’s. Come back next week for some more ANGST!!!