Past Angst

IF EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE READ THIS

AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Fucking AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Ahh, that’s better.

Well, Peeps what a week it’s been. It is now time for you new installment of angst!

(cheesy game show musak)

Contained in this weeks angst: -
FUCK ALL I'M TOO ANGRY

CAPS LOCK EDITION

I JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT FUCKING MAINEHEADS / TOWNIES OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR SUPPOSED TO CALL THEM. THE 'I MUST BE ON ME BIKE' TUCKED IN PANTS TO SOCKS, THE BALANCED HAT CUNNNINGLY PERCHED ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD SO FROM THE FRONT MIDGETS CAN'T SEE IT, THE ROCKPORTS (£150 FOR BROWN SHOES!!!), THE SHAVED UP THE SIDES SPIKED AND BLONDE ON THE TOP HAIR. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, I DON'T USUALLY GET THIS NASTY BUT YOU'RE A BUNCH OF IN BRED CACTUS SHAGGERS, YOUR MUM MUST HAVE BEEN RAPED AND THE FATHER DESPERATE YOU TWATTY, SMELLY, PRACTICING PROSTITUTES. A REIGN OF MUTHAFUCKING LOCUSTS ON YOU'RE REPELLENT HEADS YOU COCKSUUUUUUUUNSSFBGER

i'll have to be off now i've hurt my head! bye.



On Today’s Angst:
The Homeless Problem
Houses
Government Conspiricies
Assimilation of Minds through Design (!)
Alan Shewsbury
COCKS!

“hello children”, matthew said.
“hello matthew, hello everybody” you reply.
“today I want to talk about houses.”
much derision ensures.
“no, fuck off this is important. land of hope and glory. BOLLOCKS! barratts of hope and glory more like! what is it with this urge by building contractors/government/housing companies to build a house(s) on any wasteground scrubland/field/municipal park they can? ‘but we need more houses’ they say, ‘there are thousands homeless’ they say ‘this is the only way’.
WELL FUCKING FUCK OFF!
it is bollocking not the only way to solve these problems. like with most of this countries problems the government is attacking it in the wrong way, with a blind obvious ambition that in some circles is called plain stupidity.
the idea seems fine in essence you see. more houses, more homed people. but no. this is a simple soundbyte for the masses: the stupid people.
firstly most of these houses are semi-detached red brick 1980’s helicopter advert ‘barratt style’ design atrocities. they are usually flogged in this day and age for a round about £90,000 to £100,000(jul2001). this price tag immediately screams ‘only middle class affordable’. it discounts the notion that these houses in any way will help cut down the problem of homelessness.
of course I know it wasn’t a direct answer to this problem. the gvment didn’t think that stinky mcboghangerman from his home, the entrance of the local branch of the feed the 5,000 cafe shop, would pull £100,000 grand from up his arse to buy one.
remember the vicious cycle - no house > no job > no house.
but then it begs the question - when we know the people who will be buying these houses will be the people who already own a house of like style, is the idea to pretend to give a damn about the homeless problem or to set up a quaint modern bourgeoisie game of house swapping? my guess it the former.
y’see this rant all stems from the useless (an adjective now with whole synonimity to our current PM) tony blair replying to the question put to him about the homeless with the answer ‘yes it is a problem......(shite)......(vacuous nonsense)......we are responding with a multi- million pound home-building scheme’.
maybe i’m just stoopid (well yeah just maybe) but I still can’t see the help. especially when approx. 40,000 house lie dormant or derelict in england alone. surely all this money should be put into various regeneration schemes, and saving us a lot of money. bonus.
although perhaps this is part of a more sinister gvment plan.
house all the population up in non-descript housing estates and conduct weird tests of certain chosen areas. this actually sounds quite interesting esp. if they start testing the effects of radioactive shit being thrown on certain housing estates in leigh. it does make you wonder that the problems of some northern housing estates suffering from the effects of poisoned gases (supposedly inadvertently created by waste product below the earth the houses were built on) during the 80’s weren’t just a test to see the effects of the said gas.
lab rats every one.
this conspiracy could even be tied in with the companies would then were drafted in to test the estates for the gasses emissions. hmmm.....they were on the scene very quickly.....‘one housing estate tested, that’ll be 40,000 grand thank you very much’.
now it wasn’t all this that got me hyped about the new houses, the reason this came to my attention was that our so called nation of ‘green and pleasant land’ if fast becoming a land of ‘greengate closes’, ‘highbridge avenues’ and ‘the gables’’.
fuckin’ aye! now I know where this lack of individuality in the modern youth comes from. when surround like this is built it surely breeds these armies of non-genetically modified clones. in their own avenue/close/cul de sac, (delete where app.) they are ‘the different’, no-one else like them. even when they run into their social and visual doppelgangers their minds lead them to believe there are differences between them. they are owners of a mind that is so culturally unchallenged they don’t know what goth is even if one flicked them in the face with a frilly cuff. so yeah, i’m talking about townies/scallies but can they not see that they, and their ‘rival’ townies gangs, usually from the ‘other’ estate, are exactly the fucking same. oh sorry I forgot, they wear BLACK rockports.
well arse fuck me with a rusty breadknife I never knew such cultural divergence existed in their little groups. well let me tell you this, just because the shits a different colour don’t make it cake (“lol”-me).
this assimilation in the design of the modern house, the modern housing estate is quite frightening, esp. when the contractors will build on any piece of grass going cheap. surely one day soon england will become one big ‘Thistle Avenue’.
there was a lovely acre of grass or so in astley (possibly the nicest thing in astley), about the size of vanessa feltzs’ arse, now three houses proudly stand on it. not a razorblade between them. kids used to play football on that grass on Sunday. the contractors didn’t give a shit just concreated over the kids and placed a small memorial plaque in their honour - in russian.
even my granddad’s grave has got ‘spacious, 3 bedroomed detached’ presiding on him.
the hatred of grass, and that’s all this evil house building scheme can be called, has intensified so that a block of flats sits next to the six yard box at the kop end, anfield home of liverpool football sham.
as the spare fields and planes of this united kingdom deplete, alternative building ground experiments are now underway.
experiments include: a £400,000 mansion built on some water,
a row of ‘modern style’ cottages (semi-detacheds) constructed into the front of a bus
and a two beautiful town houses (semi-detacheds) founded and completed on a wig.
alan shrewsbury who’s wig the semi’s are on is paid £4 per hour as compensation for the weight and stress placed upon his neck. more expense!
enough is really gotta be enough.
I had a dream, there was a place of endless housing estates that all looked the same. the occupants got so bored they started listening to garth brooks and dave matthews, children run amok with guns and everyones smile looks fake. they called this place america but it’s sounding scarily familiar. we must resist, and as I type this on my computer situated in my modern dining room/kitchen combination, sat in my cosy semi-detached house I have a second dream. people sick of there maudlin designs of their houses have taken their belongings and set their houses alight in disgust at the visionless designs. my vision floats above the houses and the fires seem to spell out a message. a message from the people who minds have been corroded through this plague of semi-detached buildings.
the fires simply spell ‘COCKS’.”

(muted clapping)

STOP PRESS: it has just been announced, alan shrewsbury is dead.

(Written 26/12/01)
Ohhh! Easy target!
Anyone that likes Michael Jackson should really read this.......

Hands up who wants to touch Michael Jackson’s nose?

No-one?
I fucking do!

It’s going very Pinnochio like innit. Kinda thin then goes pointy at the end. Amazing what prosthetics can do - amalgamating a Old Cartoon character..........and a talking wooden boy’s nasal designs into something that can only be called.......fucking monstrous! God I saw a close up shot of the said feature and nearly threw up my noodle butty.
I know over the years Mickey has been the butt of many jokes and vicious personal attacks but, seeing this abhoration of a ‘homosapian’ in my fav monthly mag, in my eyes he deserves ever fucking one of the cruel ‘child molester/freak on a stick’ jibes he gets.
People have been known to say “Oh it’s such a shame he’s turned out the way he has......it’s all to do with his insecurities.......it’s not easy being in the limelight.....etc”.
Think with me for a mo, it’s like a Greek myth innit. Boy has talent, looks, etc and through a mixture of money, what can only be described as, extreme fame and some peoples inability to say ‘No’ to him, he has changed from a ‘much loved’ pop star into a warning about the price of losing it big time when super-rich and famous.
Which Plastic Surgeon worth their salt agreed to do the 4th nose job. There should have been a point before that where the face changing knifeman said (cod Californian accent) “Listen Mike, if you have any more Plastic Surgery your gonna end more akin to a Tupperware dish than a man, man. STOP FUCKING WITH YOUR FACE!”
I suppose we’re talking about America here though and, I suppose it is a world truth to say, everyone has there price.
Fucking hell, if I was Jodie Chandler, I’d have slept with Jackson for $20,000,000.
Money eh? WILL fuck you up and has the ability to LITERALLY fuck you up.
Well yeah, it is a shame he fucked up his face, even though it was personal choice and, yeah, he’s probably done this wholly through his insecurities but we all got insecurities and we all deal. I know, to point, that I have insecurities about my weight and hair and god knows what else but I deal by accepting the fact that I am a fat, balding muthafucker.
(Warning I am now going to meander on about the subject of race. Those with a nervous disposition please turn over now.)
Y’see, Mike was black and had a wide nose like most people of African decendency have. If being black was a problem, if having the nose was a problem - he wussed out by changing himself. Instead of now being hailed as one of the first uber-famous black ‘musicians’ and a racial barrier breaker he is about to be labelled by me, the man who knows best, a fully fledged cunt.
It’s a shame because I honestly believe that if Jacko was British he wouldn’t have done what he has done. That’s not because we British have more rationale than our American ‘cousins’ but the fact that if he was British he would have found fit to sneer down his ‘wide’ nose at everything with only the merest taint of the stars and stripes on it.
It’s the way ‘British Cynicism’ works. But hey that’s me just being speculative as usual. Anyway I think Jackson was plainly plagued by guilt because he IS a racist and may ALWAYS be (sorry don’t really understand myself there).
He believed Blacks were inferior and by means of changing colour thought he could further his musical career into unknown territory by trying to top his chart-shagging ‘Thriller’ album, oft. quoted as the biggest album of all time. Even though he embraced white iconography (the ‘punk’ look on ‘Bad’ and even fucking (adjective not verb, sadly) Jesus on that ill fated Brits 1996 performance), topping ‘Thriller’ was impossible. It didn’t happen. His music has become a side-show to his utterly hilarious life.
Which is great in my books. I never like his music anyway and get far more entertainment out the scandals that appear every 3 or so years.
Obscurity has pointed the finger and is reeling ole Mike in.
In trying to resuscitate his ever flagging career a next album will be promised but will never be delivered which will be a great disappointment to the mass hoards of Jackson’s loyal child fucking-weirdo’s (all fall in the shadow of the worshipped) and the tabloids.
I for one we be able to sleep well in the fact that I won’t hear of him again.
If anyone even hints that I “will miss his music”, i’ll give them a free Jacko nosejob of their own.......using only a blow torch and a spoon.

Jackson - I’ll see you in hell!

Oh and before I go:-
HOW MEN LIVE.
.....according to Television and Women.

They live in filth and squalor.......
Waiting for Women to rescue them. Meanwhile, they happily sit in their stinking cave, surrounded by Pot Noodle cartons, Cummy Kleenex and shite because they can’t understand washing machines or how to work squeezy bottles. Of course, this notion relies on the myth that all women are programmed to be clean, in which case why are there so many skanky looking pictures of Courtney Love? Oh sorry I was talking about women!

They demand a fuck on the First/Second/Third date (delete to taste)
A comforting myth from the fantasy zone where Sex and the City is real. In reality (a difficult concept ladies, but try real hard), no-one is this numerically minded and anyone who says they are is either lying or really on a desperate avoidance trip and hopes to be turned down in order to say, “If I don’t get any by the third date, I’m off!”

They go to Lap Dancing bars
An inviting way to spend time, being pissed in a suit with all your workmates, soaked in sweat and flinging away all your money in some desperate hope that your colleagues will like you more, because you have nothing whatsoever to say to them. Then home, to fall unconscious while downloading porn, and to awake consumed with self loathing.

They only want to watch films of, e.g, Bruce Willis parachuting into a volcano
As real as expecting women to want to watch an endless loop of Terms of fucking Endearment. But anything with subtitles, or more complex than Police Academy 5, or not featuring huge explosions or giant synthetic “bristols” lurching into view every ten seconds, is a no-no and will have any man sandpapering their own eyes in minutes. Obvious really.

They bear responsibility for War
Because they enjoy it and are inherently aggressive. Especially old twats who were in prison camps and armchair loudmouths fucks who wouldn’t be able to do enough press-ups to be allowed into the catering corps let alone the army and would scream at a loud bang anyway.

Goodnight my Children, Goodnight