The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?!?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!!
Statistically Speaking
Physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners!
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but nearly everyone has at least one Doctor.Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health service, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock might cause people to seek medical attention.....
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Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- it will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute.
I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn"t yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends; not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President"s speeches on our radios. And I don"t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with "Made in Japan" on it, it was junk. The term "making out" referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald"s, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn"t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother"s lullaby.
"AIDS" were helpers in the Principal"s office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn"t even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
...and how old do you think I am ???. (Answer below, keep scrolling)
This man would be only 58 years old!YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM (You pick the state to insult) when:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
18. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
10 Things That Piss Me Off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy ... where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
2. People in the supermarket check out line who wait until their entire bill is rung up before they begin writing their check. Hello...is the store name going to change, or the date, or your signature before the clerk finishes? Get a clue!
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!! What good is a damn piece of cake if you can' t eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's piece of cake instead??
5. When people say..."It's always the last place you look." No shit!! Why the hell would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they??
6. When people say, while watching a movie ... "Did you see that?" No, dumb ass, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??
7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
8. When something is "New & Improved," Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, asshole. You're the one that pulled me over!"
Here's the 10th thing that really bugs me....
10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms. Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!!
By the way, if you send this to 10 people, shit won't happen, and that person you're in love with won't come crawling to you ...so if you feel this is funny, go on and send it to some one else, but don't expect one damn thing in return
