Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

Typical ERISA NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL

Welcome aboard!

You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.

OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.


PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO’s son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.


STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.


401K - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.


HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:

TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.


COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.


EFFICIENCY – As a company committed to "high tech" solutions, we annually hire efficiency experts to review our office procedures. In the past, these reviews have brought computer automation to our environment almost 5 years after our competitors. Our most recent review was of the office environment itself. Saving steps saves time which saves money. Therefore, you will find your new office (pictured below) features the utmost in step-saving efficiency.