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The holidays were approaching and the pupils at St. Anthony's School were preparing a chorale to be performed on Christmas Day before the congregation. As they were practicing the Hallelujah Chorus, the Mother Superior noticed a red-haired sixth-grade boy whose voice was badly off-key. He sounded about like about like little Alfred in Our Gang. She called this to the attention of the director.
"I know," the latter replied. "That's Christ Murphy. Isn't he awful?"
The Mother Superior had a suggestion. "Let's have him just open and close his mouth, but not do any actual singing."
At the final rehearsal, the Bishop himself slipped in and sat down in a pew next to the Mother Superior. After listening to the music for a while, he whispered to the sister's ear, "That red-headed boy on the end isn't singing. He's just opening and closing his mouth."
"Oh," she replied, "Christ Murphy can't sing."
Taken somewhat aback, the Bishop thought for a moment, then said, "Well, Goddammit, he can try!"A salesman was in Los Angeles on business, so he called a friend of his on the phone. To his surprise, the cat answered the phone.
"Me-ow!"
"What did you say? I didn't understand you."
"Mee-OW!"
"I'm sorry," the man repeated, "but I just can't tell what you are saying."
Again, "MEE-OOOW!!<
At this, the man got disgusted and swore into the phone, "Oh, screw you!"
Came the reply, "Your fence or mine?"The famous humorist, Mark Twain, was in Las Vegas about to board a train when a friend approached him.
"I'm in trouble, Mark," said the friend. "I lost all my money gambling and I need to get back to Los Angeles. Can you lend me the fare?"
"I'm a little short myself," said the humorist, "but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm going to L.A. myself, so you get under the seat and I'll hide you withmy suitcases, and when the conductor takes the tickets, you can come out and he'll never know the difference."
The desparate fellow readily agreed, but when Twain went to get his luggage, he also puchased another ticket. When the conductor came to pick up the tickets, Twain handed him both.
"Who's the other one for?" asked the conductor.
"Oh, that's for my friend," Twain replied, tapping his head. "He's a little peculiar and likes to ride under the seat."An elderly gardner on the grounds of Buckingham Palace was working in the hot sun. It so happened that the Queen was out for a ride in her horse and carriage, saw the old man, and took pity on him. She commanded the driver to stop so she could call to the gardener, "Here you! It's too hot for you to be out here. Come get in the carriage and I'll take you back to your quarters."
The man tipped his cap and replied, "Thank you, Mom," and got in beside Her Majesty.
As they were returning to the Palace, the horse passed wind, noisily, with the fragrance coming up in their faces. "Oh, my goodness!" exclaimed the Queen., fanning the air furiously.
This happened a couple more times before they reached their destination. When the gardener got out, the Queen remarked, "I'm so very sorry about that."
"You needn't have mentioned it, Mom," the old gent replied. "Oy thought it war the 'orse!"The professor English was giving his students an example of English wit.
"A young Texan cowboy was in the Air Force, and was sent to England with his squadron. He was given leave and visited his cousin, an English nobleman. For entertainment, the cousin took the Texan on a fox hunt. After a long day, they returned to the stable.
"How did I do?" the Texas lad inquired.
"Oh, very well," replied his cousin, "but for one thing. When we spot a fox, we call out Tally-ho!--not There goes the sonofabitch!"
The students looked at each other blankly, and yawned, unimpressed by British humor. However, the next day, two of the college boys were walking to class when their professor crossed the quadrangle. On seeing him, one of the boys hollered, "TALLY-HO!"An elderly lady was walking down the street on a windy day, holding her hat with both hands, when her skirt flared up revealing her undies. A gentlemen offered a suggestion, "Excuse me, ma'am, but wouldn't it be better to hold your hat with one hand and your skirt with the other?"
The woman replied, "Not at all! What you're looking at is eighty-five years old, and this hat is brand new!"A man went into a bar with a dog. He claimed he could make the dog talk, and took several wagers on it. Then he set the small dog on the bar and asked, "What is my name?
The dog responded with "Rfaaaff!"
"That's right," said his owner, "Ralph."
The digusted wagerers refused to accept this, and told the man to have the dog really talk, or they wouldn't pay up. So the man gave the dog another question. "Who was the greatest baseball player?"
"Rruuff!" barked the dog.
"That's right, Ruth..Babe Ruth."
At this, the bettors became so angry that they threw both the man and his dog out into the street. The dog shook himself and looked up quizzically at his owner.
"Di Maggio?"A young woman in an office building gets on the elevator and says, with a sigh, "T.G.I.F!"
A man on the elevator with her says, "S.H.I.T."
The young woman takes offense, and declares haughtily, "T.G.I.F. just means 'Thank God it's Friday.'"
The man replies, "And S.H.I.T. only means 'Sorry, honey, it's Thursday."I decided to try the game of golf, since I am a swinging kind of guy. I was hooked up with a couple of guys, friends apparently, and off we went. Two women we were following talked more and faster than they played, so they slowed everyone behind them down to a crawl. Bob, one of our party, couldn't take it any more.
``I'm going up to the green and tell them to putt or get off the grass and let us play through.''
He stormed off to the green; then all of a sudden he stopped half-way there, turned and came back.
``What-sa-matter, Bob?'' his partner asked. ``Why didn't you tell them to let us play through?''
``I can't,'' said Bob. ``One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress.''
``That won't stop me,'' said Rick. ``I'll go up and tell them to move it on.'' So off he went as Bob and I took our time teeing up. Halfway to the green, Rick stopped and came back, head lowered.
``Why did you stop? Why didn't you tell them to move on?''
Rick grinned sheepishly. ``Small world, isn't it?''
A young doctor proposed to the object of his affection, but wanting to avoid any problems, he confessed, "Honey, I have to tell you, I have frequent eructations."
"That's all right, dear. I don't mind at all." Man, was she ever disappointed!The teacher made the announcement that today the class would work on spelling. "Mickey, you go first. Spell SHIRT for us."
Mickey stumbled to his feet and thought for a moment, then said, "S-H-I-T."
"No, no! That's incorrect," exclaimed his teacher. "You go home tonight and study your spelling lesson."
Mickey was the first to be called on the following morning.
"Well, Mickey, let's see if you studied last night. Spell SHIRT for us today."
Again Mickey was a little slow, but finally blurted out, "S-H-I-T-T."
At this, a red-headed youngster in the back row cried out, "Oh, cripes! Today he can't spell shit!"A man goes in to buy a bra for his wife.
"What kind of bra would you like, sir?" asked the clerk.
"I dunno. How do they come?"
"We have three kinds," the saleslady replied. "We have the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, and the Baptist bra."
The customer was perplexed. "I wouldn't know. What difference is there in them?"
"Well," the clerk told him, "the Catholic bra is the one that uplifts, and the Salvation Army bra supports the masses."
"What does the Baptist bra do?"
To which the clerk answered, "Oh, it makes mountains out of molehills."CHECK OUT DOT COM
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TIRE SHOP ATTENDANT: "Say, Boss, your doctor's in here with a flat tire."
BOSS: "Swell! Diagnose the trouble as puncture wounds resulting in prolapse of the perimeter. Prescribe plastic surgery followed by the administration of violent flatulents, and charge him accordingly. That' what he's been doing to me."
SIGNS SEEN .... in a Kansas City repair shop:
WE FIX EVERYTHING BUT TRAFFIC TICKETS
....outside a shoe repair shop in Oklahoma City:
DON'T SPEND YOUR LIFE TWO FEET FROM HAPPINESS
...in a hotel window in Salem, Oregon:
WANTED
EXPERIENCED OLD MAID
...in a Detroit used car lot:
UNEMPLOYED VEHICLES -- WILL WORK CHEAP
...at a roadside stand on the Lake of the Ozarks:
HONK FOR WORMS
...in a pet shop in California:
DOG FOR SALE -- WILL EAT ALMOST ANYTHING. VERY FOND OF CHILDREN
...in a brassiere shop on Balboa Island, Calif:
WHAT GOD HAS FORGOTTEN
WE STUFF WITH COTTON
...near a high school in Chicago:
SCHOOL -- DON'T KILL A CHILD
under which some wag had added:
WAIT FOR A TEACHER
Mrs. Smith, just out of bed and still clad in her old bathrobe and curlers, heard the clank of garbage cans. Rushing out, she called to the garbage man, ``Yoo-hoo! Am I too late for the garbage?''
``Nope,'' yelled the collector, ``Jump right in.''
SUSIE: Weren't you nervous when he gave you all those expensive presents?
SALLY: No, I just kept calm, and collected.
``Since you are all-powerful, and you own everything, what does a billion dollars mean to you?'' a man asked God.
``Hardly a penny,'' came the reply.
After a brief pause, the man continued with another question. ``And what are a hundred thousand centuries to you?''
``Hardly a second.''
``Then, please Lord, would you give me a penny?'' begged the man.
``Sure,'' came the heavenly answer, ``if you'll wait just a second.''
``My goodness! What in the world happened to your husband's finger?''
``We went out for seafood last night, and he ordered the live lobster.''
A carrier pigeon showed up eleven hours late with the message he was to deliver.
"What took you so long?" he was asked.
"Oh, it was such a nice day, I decided to walk."
SWEETIE PIE: "Do you like to play Post Office?"
`BOY FRIEND: Yes, but I'd rather play Pony Express.
S.P: How do you play that?
B.F.: Just like Post Office, but with a little more horsing around.
FIRST DOC: Why did you choose to become a dermatologist?
SECOND DOC: Because my patients never get me up at night, they never die, and they never get well.
MACK: What do you get when you cross a termite with a preying mantis?
JACK: You've got me. What do you get?
MACK: A bug that says grace before it eats your house.
FOREMAN (to new construction worker): How come you're carrying only four bricks, when all the other guys are carrying eight?
WORKER: I guess they are just too lazy to make two trips like I do.
``Under what sign were you born?''
``ROOM FOR RENT.''
MR: "You're always wishing for something you don't have."
MRS: "What else is there to wish for?"
PEGGY: "Are you hoping it will be a boy or a girl?"
PREGGY: "Yes."
Security at the White House is really terrible. Why, they can't even keep the pigeons from bombing it.
My sister-in-law tells this one about her grandson:
When little Carl was about four, he came to her to tell her he had been playing the game of ``Fish'' with two other little boys. ``I beat `em, Nanno,'' he exclaimed. But then he added, confidentially, ``I beat, but I sheeted.''
HE: Could you ever learn to care for a man like me?
SHE: Perhaps, if he wasn't too much like you.
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Email: felixkc@sbcglobal.net