Jokes I've had sitting in my saved mail file. Thought I'ld share. Feel free to cut and paste.
They're in no particular order.
Enjoy
MAN OH MAN
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him.............is he still wrong?
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BLONDE IN A BOAT
There's a blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field, just rowing and rowing her heart out. Another blonde comes down the road, looks into the field, and stares at the first blonde.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she asks.
"I'm rowing, and I'd better hurry up! I'm going to be late!" says the first girl.
The second girl gets mad. "What?! You know, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I could swim, I'd come out there and slap you silly!"
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Things To Learn From Children
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
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John and his housekeeper:
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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QUIZ: HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND ??
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I ?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I ?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I ?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I ?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I ?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I ?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I ?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I ?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I ?
10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many time in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching it bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it ?
ANSWERS:
1. Dentist
2. (Wedding) Ring
3. (Crunchy) Peanut Butter
4. Bubblegum
5. Elevator
6. Nose
7. Paper Boy
8. Gloves
9. Crane
10. Toothbrush
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THE BATTLE OF THE BOBBITS" (sung to the tune of "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES")
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend... tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.
Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there" to John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long, So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!" "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need" And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.
Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear!
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Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife,but his wife wasn't
there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !
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BAD PICKUP LINES
1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
10. (offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you.
15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!
21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
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~ I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.
~ I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
~ Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
~ Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
~ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
~ Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
~ Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.
~ Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
~ Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
~ If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
~ Do unto others, then run...
~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
~ I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
~ Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~ It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
~ My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there...
~ I used to be Snow White, but I drifted...
~ The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
~ Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
~ Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
~ The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
~ I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
~ I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
~ All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
~ Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
~ My Reality Check bounced.
~ I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
~ The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
~ Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
~ Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
~ I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
~ You are here: X
~ There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
~ Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
~ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
~ I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
~ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
~ Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
~ It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
~ Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
~ There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1) Never tell everything you know.
~ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you...
~ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
~ When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
~ Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
~ Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
~ Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
~ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
~ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
~ Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
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