Love and Relationships
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BUILDING BLOCKS FOR BETTER RELATIONSHIPS
- Abuse not allowed. This includes physical nonsense -- even pushing
and shoving, to downright beatings, verbal tongue lashings, and emotional
abuse such as withholding love from your partner.
- Don't avoid talking about problems. Guess what? problems don't go
away by themselves. You've got to get them out into the open and see if (a)
they survive a reality check or (b) your emotional needs are disguising
the perception you're putting on a particularly troublesome event.
- Set aside time when you and your partner prioritize each other.
Yes, even if this means making an "appointment." That is, agree on a time
that's good for each of you. This does not necessarily include 3:00 a.m. if
your partner is asleep and you aren't because the conflict is roaring around
inside your head. Remember, willful deprivation of sleep is listed in the
"no-nos" of the domestic violence act. Besides, your wouldn't want your
partner to think you were being a baby who had to have instant gratification.
Marital conflicts are best resolved by grown-ups when both parties in the
partnership are willing to be reasonable.
- Don't go around scaring people. Like with making threats. Scared
people usually make threats. So, if you feel like making a threat, realize
that you're broadcasting the fact that you're afraid of something. Why not
talk about your fears instead? It's a good first step toward identifying the
underlying sources of conflicts.
- Throw away the archives of past mistakes. Do you really want to
be remembered as the family historian of all the mistakes people make? I
didn't think so. Remember -- one conflict per agenda. If other issues creep
in, agree to discuss them at a later time. But for now, stick with one sore
spot at a time and stick with it until you get it resolved.
- Use "I" statements. This is a tough one because "you" must
realize, of course, that "you" are the cause of all my unhappiness. If "you"
would only do this or that, etc..., "my" life would be much, much better.
Hmmmm. How do you make an "I statement" out of that?
First of all, stop blaming someone else for everything that's gone
wrong in your life. Say instead, "I must not be saying this right." Or "I
think we could do a better job with our finances if we..." Or "I think the
children need more freedom to express their views..."
What I often hear in couple counseling is "I don't feel like you
love me." Sorry -- that's not a feeling. It's your opinion. What you could
say is "I miss the way we used to be. It doesn't seem like our love is as
much fun as it once was. I'm afraid we're losing sight of what was once
important."
Besides, if you're going to tell your partner that you don't think
he or she loves you, you're going to have to be specific about what's
different -- what changed, not who changed.
- Resist interrupting when your partner responds to your comments.
You should each give yourselves time to think about what the other person
said. Let your partner finish the statement, even a whole paragraph, without
jumping in with an interruption -- even if you don't agree and even if you
are sure your partner is wrong. Interrupting only escalates conflict because
interruptions make people angry.
- Dirty tricks are not allowed. What do I mean by dirty
tricks? Using sweeping generalizations that are not true and can never be
true because they don't always apply to any given argument. Now, having
said that, the overgeneralizations to avoid are words like always, never
and everybody.
Other dirty tricks include apologizing when you don't mean it.
Saying something like Ok, ok. I'm wrong. I'm always wrong. You're always
right. Now are you happy? Guess what? This couple just went nowhere.
And finally, watch the body language. Rolling eyes, looking out the
window or turning your back on your partner are instances of rejection and
hostility. You're not going to get anywhere until the source of the hostility
is uncovered and dealt with.
- Time outs are okay. Even for adults. Rather than have
tempers get out of control, take a break. Go for a walk and give yourselves
a rest. You're not going to make much progress if you feel like you're on
emotional overload. Sometimes, you can't get a situation resolved on one
talk-through. And sometimes you have a resolve a conflict by breaking it
down into "bite sized" pieces. Resolve parts of the conflict if several issues have
grouped themselves together.
- Not all problems can get resolved. Sometimes you have to
agree to disagree. It's a humbling thought, but I discovered years ago that
I don't know everything and my answers are not always the perfect solutions.
Fortunately, Quint has stood by his opinions when we've had some differences
and saved us from disasters. But then, he can say the same about me in other
instances. In a good relationship, we have to take care of each other. That
means finding the best solution possible and not stubbornly hanging onto a
point of view that's right only because it's what I want.
- Be flexible. Every problem or challenge or conflict has
more than one solution. Work toward finding two alternate plans to your
best solutions, and if Plan A or B fall apart, you can immediately go to an
alternate plan without having to re-hash the solutions again.
- And finally, be forgiving. God forgave our wrongs
against Him because of Jesus. Remember that you are both people that Jesus
died for. This thought alone should give you the power to forgive the
wrongs someone else has done to you. Forgiving frees you to move forward
in your relationships.
from The Reinheimer Letter, April 1998
Email: rein@starnetinc.com
