Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It Is as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Keep honking...I'm reloading
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
Born free...Taxed to death.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Depression is merely an anger without enthusiasm
Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
I am not as drunk as you think I am.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
No radio - Already stolen
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Rehab is for quitters.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.