Letters

Dear Mom and Dad:
  
      Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing. I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in 
not having written before.  I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  
You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down.
  
      Okay?
  
       Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and
  the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory
  when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed
  now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost
  normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.  Fortunately, the
  fire in the dormitory, and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at
  the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire
  Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and
  since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was
  kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a
  basement room, but it is kind of cute.
  
      He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married. We haven't got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.  Yes mother and Dad, I am "with child".
  
      I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I
  know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that me boyfriend has a  minor infection
  which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.
  
      I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is
  very kind,  and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.  Although
  he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.
  
      Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you something else.
  
     There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life.
  
      However, I am getting a D in Calculus and an F in Chemistry and I
  wanted you to see those marks in their proper perspective.
  
                                                                           -- Your loving daughter
  

  
    A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
  "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"
  
  The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should
  know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next
  to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and
  a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
  
   The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
  

  
     A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem with gas,
     but it really doesn't bother me too much.They never smell and are always silent .
     As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
    You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
     The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
     The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the 
     hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
     The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,let's work on
      your hearing."
  

     
          A team of archaeologists were excavating in Isreal when they came upon a
          cave.  Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in
          order of appearance;
 1.  A tomato
 2.  A donkey
 3.  A shovel
 4.  A fish
 5.  A Star of David
 They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
 least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and
 had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world
 came to study the symbols.
 They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
 what they had decided was the meaning of the markings. The president of
 their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
 looks like a tomato. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
 as they knew how to grow things to eat. To prove this statement you can
 see the next drawing resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough
 to have animals help them till  the soil. The next drawing looks like a
 shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even
 further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that had
 a famine hit the earth whereby the food  didn'tgrow, they would take to
 the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be he Star of David which
 means they were evidently Hebrews."
 The audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled
 and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our     interpretations."
 Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
 said, "I object to every word.  The explanation of what the writings say
 is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to
 right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It says 'HOLY MACKEREL,

   
  Children's Books You Will Never See ....
  
  Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
  How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
  Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
  The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
  Babar Meets the Taxidermist
  Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
  Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
  Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse



   The below is not new,but it has been ages since I have sent this . . .
     
  Men's Advice to Women:
  
  Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
  
  If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean
  we're not watching it.
  
  Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
  
  Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during
  commercials.
  
  Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you
  need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
  
  Please don't drive when you're not driving.
  
  Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories
  are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the
  punchline.
  
  If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us pack the car.
  
  The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just
  not crying. Big difference.
  
  When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
  
  What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
  
  When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?'  It would be much
  appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
  
  When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp,
  saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
  
  When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
  
  The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility.  It will be
  slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
  
  SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour.  This is an
  excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to
  your sister.
  
  If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  
  Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going
  out to dinner.
  
  You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
  
  Silence does not need to be filled.
  
  It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
  
  No, you can't have the remote control.

  
  Brown Baggin' It
   
   Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquet-ball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
   
   He passed the first woman, who looked down at his privates. "He's not my husband," she stated.
   
   He passed by the second woman, who also looked down at his privates. "He's not my husband either," she said, also not recognizing the unit.
       
   He passed by the third woman, who also looks down as he ran by her. "Wait a minute," she exclaimed, "he's not even a member of this club."

  

  
     
   DIFFERENCES BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH 
    
    Everything Southern has its spiritual Yankee counterpart ...
    here's how to tell which is which:
    
    The North has: sun-dried too-mah-toes
    The South has: 'mater samiches
    
    The North has: Coffeehouses
    The South has: Waffle Houses
    
    The North has: Mom
    The South has: Mama
    
    The North has: dating services
    The South has: family reunions
    
    The North has: switchblade knives
   The South has: Lee press-on nails
    
    The North has: saving the whales
    The South has: getting saved
    
   The North has: double last names
    The South has: double first names
   
   The North has: sensational tabloids
    The South has: neighbors
   
    The North has: Ted Kennedy
    The South has: Jesse Helms
  
 
    
  This needs a little background: 
  Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus
  of UNH. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the place, and yes, this
  actually happened. Ian is the one telling the story. 
  
  Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it. 
  
  Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk? 
  
  Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee. 
  
  Me: Is there more milk or coffee? 
  
  Her: Oh, definitely more coffee. 
  
  Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk. 
  
  Her: Just the usual amount of milk. 
  
  Me: A coffee with milk. 
  
  Her: Yes. 
  
  Me: Anything else? 
  
  Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
  
  Me: We do have decaf. 
  
  Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine. 
  
  Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine. 
  
  Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine? 
  
  Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine. 
  
  Her: Yes it does. 
  
  Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk? 
  
  Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have
  caffeine. 
  
  Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf
  milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else? 
  
  Her: Do you have any bagels? 
  
  Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're
  all out of decaf bagels. 
  
  Her: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds. 
  
  Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am. 
  
  Her: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels) 
  
  Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added. 
  
  Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards? 
  
  Me: No ma'am, cash only. 
  
  Her: What about visa? 
  
  Me: Is that a credit card? 
  
  Her: Well, yes. 
  
  Vinnie: Is it cash? 
  
  Her: No. Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it. 
  
  Her: What about checks? 
  
  Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else. 
  
  Her: OK. how much is that? 
  
  Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. 
  
  Her: Really? 
  
  Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you
  wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to
  grow it myself. 
  
  Her: OK. (proceeds to write a check) 
  
  Vinnie: Please leave. Her: Why? 
  
  Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now. 
  
  Her: But what about my coffee? 
  
  Vinnie: Leave and never return.
  
  She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. I'm serious!