Survivor's
Stories
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Breast
Cancer Survivors Stories
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Cancersurvivors.org
A Life Changing
Experience
I
am going to talk today about a life changing experience that has totally
changed my life around:
For
those of you who do not know, I think it is important for you to know
that I am only 24 years old.
In November
2001 I went to my doctor whom I also work with, with concerns regarding
blood discharge from my right breast.
He sent me to a general surgeon for diagnosis of the discharge.
He stated to me that it was probably just a clogged duct in my right
breast.
When I seen the surgeon; he did tell me that I had a 10 percent chance
of it being breast cancer, but it was 90 percent that it was just a
clogged duct, and due to the fact that I have no family history of breast
cancer and my age he highly doubted that it was breast cancer.
So he did a breast biopsy by removing 4 of my ducts in my breast on
December 18th, 2001.
The doctor phoned me at work on December 27th , 2001 to let me know
that he had bad news. That they had found out that I had a type of breast
cancer called Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. He would like to see me the
next day to discuss my options. The following day my husband Jason,
my mom and myself went to his office. We all decided together that due
to my age and my high risk of recurrence that it would be in my best
interest to have a bilateral mastectomy - For those of you who do not
know what that is it is the removal of both breasts. I decided that
at that time also, I would want to have immediate reconstruction surgery.
During this time I was very angry and confused and could not understand
why God had allowed this to happen to me.
I felt like he had abandoned me. And I felt like my life was over. And
nothing would ever be the same again. I felt very lost.
I had to go home and try to explain to my 4 year old daughter and my
2 step daughters , that I had breast cancer.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Telling my husband
was one thing; but to have to try and explain it to your child is so
devastating.
To see the look in their eyes was so heartbreaking, they thought they
would never see me again.
Because of all my feelings that I felt inside, the overwhelming anger
and fear and sadness . I wanted to fight. And I wasn't going to just
sit their and let it eat at me, I was going to fight back and I knew
I would survive.
I took
an early leave of absence from work, to get my life in order before
surgery. And in the back of my head I always had this overwhelming feeling
that I wasn't going to make it through the surgery.
I felt like that was going to be my last day here on earth.
Days before my surgery I prepared everything around the house to make
sure my husband Jason would not have anything to worry about. And that
Jocelynn was cared for, for a few weeks until Jason was able to care
for her again.
I went
in for my bilateral mastectomy on February 15th, 2002. That was the
first time that God had wrapped his arms around me to let me know everything
was okay since I had been diagnosed with my breast cancer. Prior to
that day I had such anger towards God for letting this happen to me
that I blocked him out of my life. My family members and close friends
were there moments before I went into surgery to pray over me. And I
just felt this sensation of love and protection from God over me. As
they wheeled me into the operating room I was crying hysterically, praying
out loud to God to please protect me and be with the surgeons and work
through them as they perform my surgery. And I prayed that over and
over again until one of the nurses asked me if I was alright? And I
said - Yes, I am just scared , I am just praying that God will be with
me. He then replied to me; that I had nothing to worry about - that
him and the doctors were going to say a special prayer for me before
performing the surgery. And that is the last thing I remember before
being put to sleep.
Just those words from the nurse, I knew that was God speaking to me
through him. Letting me know that everything would be alright. And that
, yes I would grow old enough to see my girls grow up. And one day be
a grandma.
When
I woke up from surgery I was a little shocked to see that I was still
alive. Even though I knew that God was their with his arms wrapped around
me I still had doubted him.
The following few months while I was in re-cooperation from the surgery
I was falling further and further away from God. I had fallen into a
deep depression, and I didn't want to associate with anybody. Because
of the depression, I had decided to not return to work until July 2002.
There were daily spouts of uncontrollable crying because of the weight
I felt on my heart, it was so heavy and I felt like their was nothing
I could do to control that. I had also decided because I felt betrayed
by the doctor's taking away a part of my body, that I was going to leave
the medical field, and find a new career in a different field.
As of
last week-end my life has changed completely. On Friday night my mom
and I attended the women's of faith conference. I didn't feel any significant
change at the end of the night, but when I returned home my husband
noticed a change right away. He asked me "what did they say to
you?" There's something different about you. I just don't what
it is. But I like it. I told him I didn't know because I didn't feel
a significant change at that point.
On Saturday we returned to the conference, all the speakers touched
my heart spiritually in a different way, but one in particular. It was
Nicole Johnson's skit she performed on surviving breast cancer. Everything
she said touched my heart so deeply, because everything she said had
once come from my heart. In the month's that I was recuperating I had
completely given up on God and my faith. And lost my spirit. I had stopped
fighting for my life and had given up, and that's what that weight I
was feeling in my heart was. It was God's sadness that I had given up.
And she made me realize that. Her last few words were.
I will survive.
I will get through this.
I will go on with my life. I will not give in to this cancer.
And as she spoke those words I made a promise to myself, those very
words.
As I left that day I felt the weight come off my heart and God wrapped
his arms around me letting me know that he was their all along and I
just need to trust in him.
I went home that day with such a sensation of love and happiness and
joy from God. That I had come back to him.
The following morning I was getting ready for church and even though
the weight had lifted off of my chest I still had a lot of anger built
up inside of me for everything that had happened to me since I was diagnosed
with breast cancer. I was praying to God that morning and I was angry.
I was confused at why still all this had happened to me. And I wanted
answers.
Traver spoke that morning about anger. And it was like God was answering
my prayer that I had prayed that morning through Traver. I went home
that day and realized that it wasn't God I was angry at, it was myself.
That afternoon I decided with God that my life would be different from
this moment on.
God spoke to me and told me it was time to get my act together. I needed
to return to work next week and start helping people in the medical
field again. And that he would always be with me no matter how angry
I get at him, and that he knows what is best for me.
Now
that I had to go through this I want to be a support for those who may
have the struggle with denial or separation from God.
Reese,
Sharon
Sharon.Reese@vanir.com
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