The End of Hope
The end of hope: will that exist in my life? I’ve come close many times. But it always seems to arrive just in the nick of time. Is that a good thing or bad thing, I do not know. I suppose its god because it keeps me alive. When the end arrives, I will die. There is not doubt about that. last year I walked to the edge of no hope, but luckily my guidance counselor was around to be my saving grace. She allowed me to step away from the edge.
I had been ready to take the plunge, but she grasped my hand before I could fall. but what is my saving grace now? I think mainly it’s thought of what I will leave behind. I will leave behind “victims.” I do not want to create more misery. I’ve never been as close to the end of hope as I was last year, but I do stare at it from time to time wondering if that time will come again.
When I start at it, it’s pretty unsettling. When all I think about is me, suicide is the way to go. If I factor in everybody else, surviving seems to be the way to go. Do I like myself? That question is constantly asked by myself and others. And I can’t answer it because I don’t know. Sometimes I do or rather I like certain types of “me” (the outgoing, funny one) and other times I hate me. And of course there are the in between times.
