11-3-06
I was selfish- I own up to that. I turned my back on those I love. I cannot do
that anymore. I need to own up to my responsibilities while I’m alive. Loving
someone is a two way street, but in trying to die, I made it one way only. In
living now, I need to find my way back to a two way street.
For most of my life I have been fighting statistics. I’ve been fighting the
fifteen percent of bipolar’s who commit suicide. I already became part of the
fifty percent that attempt. But more importantly I’ve been fighting the
statistic of those I love. If I were to commit suicide there would be an
increasing chance of my brothers then to commit suicide. Thus, in a way, I’ve
been in a fight to save their life too. I have now had to ask myself if I could
blindly end my life and then chance my family and increase their chance of
dying. My answer to that now is a strong no. I can’t do that to my family, to my
beloved brothers.
I have been on the brink of tragedy and found my way back. It has been my
ability to love and care for others, while alive, that has been the deciding
factor in whether suicide would be my ultimate choice. Perhaps that is the
deciding factor for others as well. Can that be the difference between an
attempt and a completed suicide? It’s that love that allowed me to preset the
two emails to be sent and which ultimately saved my life. And now I hope it will
be my wellness that can pay the debt I have now incurred with my loved ones. Is
that enough Will anything ever be enough? Only time will tell.
11-6-06
I’m sitting in a state psychiatric hospital strangely calm with the routine
here. I go to bed between nine and ten pm and wake up at nine am. I miss
breakfast every morning, but now I make the morning walk. I listen to music
during the walk. I come in and then I write. The rest of the day is spent in
groups, watching TV or laying down or writing. My moods no longer cycle and I’ve
been normal for days now. I’m doing just fine in hospital life.
But what about the real world? What happens when the routine isn’t so familiar
and things come up unexpectedly? What happens when I’m faced with the unknown?
What are my restraints and what are my possibilities How will my dad feel the
first time he has to leave me alone at home How will I feel? Will I get a job
and do well? When will I move back to Fredericksburg? When will I resume my
life? Or, when will I begin my new life? All questions with no answers right
now.
Part of me wishes that I would get manic or get depressed quickly so I have to
deal with my fear of that quickly. Then I can just get passed it and move on.
Sometimes the fear holds me hostage. So then I want to end the stand-off as soon
as possible. I think, too, I hold loved ones hostage with fear as well. They are
always afraid of my next move. They are afraid of me giving up again or not
being able to handle my different moods. Their fear is justified. I haven’t
given them any reason to think otherwise. I have a long history of being unwell,
getting treatment, okay for a while and then I get sick again. I’m not even sure
what I should believe. I always seem to have revelations and that gets me going
for a while. But either I never had a true revelation or the seductive nature of
mania claims me again. Or fear wins out and I don’t tell the truth to anyone.
But I am addressing fear this time around, so maybe I am finally getting closer
to the truth. Fear, for me seems to be at the heart of so many of my behaviors.
Why didn’t I tell Linda the truth sometimes? Because I feared her reaction? Why
did I try to kill myself in March? Because I feared coming off the manic high.
Why did I try to kill myself in October? Because I feared the unknown and I
feared getting worse. Why do I not tell my dad about my license being suspended?
I fear his reaction. Why do I wear a mask? Because I fear being vulnerable in
the presence of others. Why do I get so sick and end up in the hospital? The
fears add up to too much to the point that I can’t function and I end up fearing
everything.
So how is this fixed?
