I’ve been sittin’ here
Tryin’ to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself

I stared at her as she sat comfortably in my presence. Bambi was a friend of mine but also a girlfriend to another close friend, Trent. Bambi, it sounds like a hooker's name, don't it? When I gave her the nickname I didn't know a hooker from a nun. It was in the days when innocence was a normal thing for us. I wasn't what I am now. I didn't have a clue that there would ever be a group known as the Backstreet Boys and I surely didn't know my life would become what it has.

Barbara acquired her nickname when we watched the Disney movie together. Okay, I have to admit that even though I'm a guy I found that damn deer cute. I also found my friend cute. It was my secret way of letting her know she held a special place in my heart. It let her know that, in my own weird way, she had a piece of my soul. Hell, at that age I didn't even know what any of this meant. All I knew at that time was that she was a person who could make me feel good. She made me feel happy.

Sometimes, like right now, I wish so much that I could go back to those times and live them all over again. I've made a ton of choices in my life and not all of them have been good. Through every one of those choices I had her standing right by me, if not physically then emotionally. She knew practically every thought I ever had. Nothing has ever happened between us sexually, no matter how much I've wanted it to. As hard as it is for me and the rest of the guys to believe, I've been a good boy when it's come to her.

"Are you okay?"

There they were, those doe eyes of hers staring right at me. She was almost penetrating my mind when she looked at me like that. She was always asking if I was okay. Once I joined up with the group she worried endlessly. Hell, I should be the one asking if she was okay. No matter how much I shared with her, I felt like she was holding something back. I was trying to figure out what went wrong; where I may have possibly gone wrong. She was in pain, I could tell that much.

"Nick, are you with me?"

Oh, how I wish I was with you, darlin'. I wish there was something I could say in order to make you talk. "Bambi, why did you come here?"

"Why? You're my best friend and you're asking me why I'm here?"

"What I meant is why are you here if you're not gonna talk about what's bothering you?" I noticed her head hang low again. She did that a lot lately, especially when we were alone. "Come here," I urged, opening my arms wide. Without hesitation, she made her way over to the couch and into my embrace. "Talk to me."

"How's the new album coming along?"

I let out a sigh of frustration. "That's not what I meant and you know it. Talk to me like I'm Nick and not Nick Carter. Forget I'm a recording artist. Forget that you've been on tour with me a couple of times. Forget that I've appeared in a zillion magazines. Let's just pretend that none of it ever happened and talk to me like you used to." I felt her warm tears spill onto my hand as I caressed her cheek. Great, I've made her cry. If there's one thing I can't bare to see it's a woman crying.

"It's Trent. You're not gonna like it at all."

My body tensed and I'd hoped she hadn't felt it. "Just tell me," I tried to say as sensitively as possible.

She quickly stood up, removing her shirt shortly after. "Instead of telling you, I'd rather show you." Her voice was as cold as ever as I stared on. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around