I never thought things would get so bad that all I had left to talk to is a fuckin' journal. My emotions are so mixed and I feel completely torn. I was so sure that the abortion was what I wanted. I know I'm not ready to be responsible for someone. No matter how much I keep telling myself that, I still feel a deep guilt inside. I helped to make the decision that ended my first child's life. How big of a monster am I? What I'm trying to figure out now is how to help myself feel a little better.

"The way you look in this light is completely amazing." Nick studied Cassie's features in the moonlight that poured through his window.

"Your skin is so soft." She ran her fingers down his cheek.

He kissed her deeply, his body covering hers. For some reason, he didn't want too many words exchanged. Every time he opened his mouth though, sweet nothings escaped. "Let's swim to the moon. Let's climb through the tide. Penetrate the evening that the city sleeps to hide. Let's swim out tonight, love. It's our turn to try. Park beside the ocean on a moonlight drive," His honey voice sang the poetry perfectly.

I love her, but am I in love with her? Should I keep trying to get through to her? Is it a useless struggle to even fight?

I liked having her in my arms. The more I think about it, I liked being inside her; a part of her.

Nick felt her fingers run through his hair as their bodies became one. His insides turned into mush as he felt the passion for this woman. He looked her square in the eye while he kept his movements steady. "You okay?" She nodded her head quickly, urging him to continue. His lips took hold of hers as they sought the company of softness.

Her hands traveled down, grabbing the warm flesh she was now longing to own. For this short moment, he was hers, she was his. She could feel the sweat form on their bodies, making her crave him more. Her mouth latched on to the sweet skin of his neck, making him growl. "You're wonderful," she whispered.

Something changed after those minutes of passion. It's something that I can never get back. An innocence between us was then gone. The innocence of giving a hug or kiss on the cheek. The innocence of saying we loved one another. The innocence of anything simple that we could share was put under the microscope and analyzed to see if it meant anything more.

Thank God the tour is over. There's no way I'd be able to perform in front of thousands of adoring fans after knowing what I've done. If they knew, they'd never look at me the same again. I'm already mildly despised by people for some reason and this would only fuel the fire. I think me hating myself is punishment enough.

For just this once, I'm taking a moment to pity myself. I'm allowing myself to feel sorry for me. Contrary to popular belief it's something I rarely do. Not only do I have to worry about my personal life, but I also have to wonder what the world is saying about me. I've preached over and over again about how I don't give a crap what others think of me. But, that was always concerning the way I looked and performed. This situation is completely different. This was someone's life that I, Nick Carter, helped to end. I know, I keep saying that. It's my way of making sure I'm put through as much pain as possible. I can't ever allow myself to forget what I did and this is my way of keeping it at the front of my mind.

I am such a shit. I made love to her, treated her like nothing happened and then told her to throw away our baby. Not only have I lost my child but I lost my best friend as well.

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