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December 12, 1999

Howie:

I know that there’s a lot of things you want to know. I am willing to tell you about what’s really going on with me, but I hope you won’t feel uncomfortable about it.


I’m always friendly with everyone, and cuz you are my friend. Am I giving you another chance? My answer is that I wanna stay friends right now. I like you, but I treat you and feel more as a bestfriend or close friend. Why I still willing to go out with you alone? I like hanging around with you. I just feel comfortable hanging out with fewer people, that’s all. I don’t hang around with a big group of people much. Are you making me feel uncomfortable? No, it’s alright. But we should keep at a distant.

There are other things that I haven’t told anyone. In a way, I’m confused about myself. You already know what’s going on with me and Arthur. Sometimes I feel that I dunno what to do. My feelings seem to change. I don’t feel much the same way I did when I first went out with him, but I know he’s afraid of losing me. Before we went out, he already knows about my situation. I told him straight. I’ve been thinking to myself, “Why did I go out with him in the first place?” I dunno… The reason why I feel this way is cuz I still have some feelings towards a friend of mine. I’ve known him for a while now. Ever since that time that you and me kinda stopped talking to each other, he was there for me to take me out to relax and made me feel better. My feelings went back to him. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him about what happened to us then. Right now, it still feels that my friend and I have an on off thing… I know that most of the time he’s implying something, but doesn’t actually say it. From all this, my feelings pulls me more towards him. Maybe it’s something that I can’t forget about. I dunno.

Another thing that kinda made me upset is that Mom found out about me and Arthur. It was that day when we met up with Keroleen. How mom found out? She saw us sharing one chair at the computer. After Arthur went away, mom was like spazzing at me and did not like me going out with younger guys and not to get too close and stuff like that. Arthur knows about it cuz I told him. Arthur also knows about us too, but he doesn’t mind at all nor upset or anything. But I know he’s worried about me and that other situation, and I don’t wanna hurt him or anything.

Rey, from Florida, still has a thing for me… He thinks I like him. Now, dunno what to tell him. I feel bad for hurting him. This isn’t really too a big deal.


Why me?? I feel so bad… =(

I hope you understand.
I’m sorry if I brought out last year’s messages and made you think about it. Sometimes when I look back on it, I start tearing. So yeh, I do miss those times and the memories. But I have to move on now.

Friends Always,
Jen