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I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

I love the women's movement -- especially when walking behind it.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dream world.

A woman needs four animals in her life: a mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the driveway, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Talking to a man is like trying to saddle a cow. It's hard as hell, and really, what's the point?

There is a tide in the affairs of women which, when taken at the flood, leads God knows where.

Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.

God created man first becuase you have to have a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

There is no greater wonder than the way the face and character of a woman fit so perfectly in a man's mind, and stay there, and he could never tell you why. It just seems it was the thing he most wanted.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The best for a man and the best for a woman is not the same.

Fun is fun, but no girl wants to laugh all the time.

No elegant restaurant can be better than the sense of excitement it conveys to women. Many women come to a fashionable place and act as if they were on stage.

Woman was God's second blunder.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women are like parking spaces: All the good ones are taken and all that's left are the handicapped.

A woman is like a tea bag: She does not know how strong she is until she is in hot water.

God created women to please the eye and trouble the mind.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

If women knew what we were thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say and everything they do.

Miserable is the man who loves a woman and takes her for his wife, pouring at her feet the sweat of his skin and the blood of his body and the life of his heart, and placing her in the hands of the fruit of his toil and the revenue of his diligence;for when he slowly wakes up, he finds that the heart that he endeavored to buy is given away freely and in sincerity to another man for the enjoyment of its hidden secrets and deepest love.

The problem with women is that they get all worked up over absolutely nothing, and then they marry him.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

The female of the species is much deadlier than the male.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, the way to a woman's heart is through his wallet.

Women weaken legs!

Women and cats do what they do; there is nothing a man can do about it.

One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace.

Sex and parking are the same: If you can't find it for free you have to pay for it.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.