From the Mind of Cait...
I love venting. Don't read if you don't want to.
Rambling #75 (June 10/02)
Wow; the end of an era. I'm sad, but I'm not at the same time. I dunno what to think. Also, new developments in the family area have gotten me quite upset as of late. Iunno. People are so beautiful, so wonderful and yet they can cause so much pain that it's unbelievable.
On a side note, my computer is the spawn of satan, hence no updates here in a while. Grrrrr.
Rambling #74 (April 11/02)
New pet peeve: People who aren't straight up with you. Situation --> Big deal, you don't want to date me. I'll get over it. But sending someone else to tell me, not telling me yourself... fuck, not only is that low and immature, it's more painful than the truth would have been in the first place. Apparently I'm not worth explaining things to. Fine. Whatever. Thanks a million.
Rambling #73 (April 7/02)
New worst feeling in the world: Not knowing if you've fucked something up completely. Not knowing what's going to happen next. Not being able to control what happens next.
Rambling #72 (April 1/02)
When did we become so 'in control' of ourselves. "Oh, one drink won't kill me. I can still drive home." "Oh, I don't need to use a condom, I'll pull out before I come." Fuck. We're all still 8 year olds at heart, wanting a hug from mommy when things go down - and yet we think that we're on top of the world. Nothing can touch us! Nothing could ever happen to us! When did this change...
Rambling #71 (February 9/02)
I discovered two things tonight. 1) I love gay men. (Actually that's not a new discovery. But yeah. Mwah to KC & Chris! hehe) and 2) Wine makes me SLEEPY!
Rambling #70 (January 15/02)
Today was hard. Feeling helpless is one of the worst feelings imaginable. Feeling like you want to make everything all better, but you can't. All I could do today was offer my support for the pain that everyone was feeling. I don't know why we dragged it up. But we did. It worked for us, I think. But it hurt nonetheless.
Rambling #69 teehee (December 25/01)
I'm so sick of wearing my heart right out there on my sleeve, having it ripped off, then having to sew it back on again. From now on, the heart stays in the fucking pocket, and I don't have to constantly carry around a needle and thread to do emergency repairs. FUCK.
Rambling #68 (December 5/01)
Birthdays come and go, right... It's one of those inevitable things that happens each year. Whether or not they're a good thing remains to be seen. However, when your birthday comes and secretly deep down you want something to happen- you want your friends to embarass you, you want them to make a big deal. No matter how much you say you don't, you do. Well, I do. And I just thought about it and this was the first year that I had a crew of friends who actuallyc ared enough to make a big deal out of it. I mean, it's not like it was an important year or anything (well sorta) - close to being legal EVERYWHERE in the world... woot countdown to 21 starts now. j/k But anyway, I was thinking about how it surprised me that certain people cared, and certain people didn't - and I know this makes no sense, but I'm almost sad that some people didn't make a bigger deal out of it, and I'm amazed at certain people who did. I don't know, call me selfish I guess, but I like to wish people happy birthday when their turn comes around, and I like to have posts made and what have you... Aw fuck it, this is making no sense. Baha rosa is good in small quantities, but there is a very fine line between small and way too much. D'oh.
Rambling #67 (November 4/01)
Skipped right over October, go figure. I've been so damn busy lately - this is the first opportunity I've had to update anything. And it's 12:45 in the morning. LoL... I don't know why I'm not tired. Sick, yes. Tired, no.
Rambling #66 (September 27/01)
Haven't updated anything lately. Haven't really seen my stupid ramblings as being as important as other events that have taken place. Life is so precious, we just don't realize it.
Rambling #65 (September 8/01)
"Suck it up princess" is my new motto for the week. Yes, life sucks. Yes, things go wrong. No, I'm not perfect. Suck it up princess.
Rambling #64 (August 22/01)
I wish I was real, and not just some front that I put up to fit in. The more I tell myself that I don't care what other people think of me, the more I know I do. And the more I look in the mirror, the more I realize that I hate who I am, I hate what I look like and I hate how I think people percieve me. I can't count the number of times people have said "You have a great personality" ... If it wasn't for the way I look, I wouldn't have the personality I do. But sometimes I wish I could trade in whatever intelligence and sense of humor I have for a size two waist. It's the same old battle, and I'm trying to win it. But it's so hard when the person you're fighting is you... because you can see all sides of things, and no matter how irrational they may be, they're there and they make sense to me. Just once, I'd like someone to tell me I'm beautiful, and just once I'd like to believe it.
Rambling #63 (August 14/01)
I was just thinking today how many people come in and out of my life... and I was just wondering if they knew what an impact they made. There's no real answer to that, but it was a thought that crossed my mind.
Rambling #62 (August 10/01)
Y'know, I have a new "worst feeling in the the world". *drumroll please* It is - feeling left out of things. Feeling that you're being purposely ignored. Feeling that you're not invited to something but you found out about it anyways, and they feel obliged to invite you along.
Rambling #61 (July 29/01)
I was watching 'When Harry Met Sally' the other day - and I had a thought. According to Harry, men and women can not be friends. The man cannot be friends with a woman he wants to sleep with. When he does sleep with her, he either has to move on to being her boyfriend, or he has to leave her behind - as nothing can be as it was before, because sex has come into the picture. This perfectly paralells my life. Oh my god does it ever. It was probably one of the most depressing thoughts I've had in ages. I mean, I *think* I have guy friends, but are they just after the sex? Or do they find me completely unattractive... That's the worst part - even if it's from a movie, now that thought is in my head and it's not going to go away.
Rambling #60 (July 24/01)
I have this dream where the world stops... just in mid-sentance, mid-lunch, mid-day, just stops... There's music in the background, but nothing's moving... nothing except me, and I'm flying. Flying over everyone... and I can see the world, and it's so beautiful. I wish the feeling was real.
Rambling #59 (July 20/01)
"Striptease for me baby...striptease for me baby... I want... I want you bad, you know I'd never make you sad, I want you bad I want you bad..." hah... *ahem* Sorry - I've been singing this for a good two weeks now, ever since we got back from camping. Thanks Dani. But on a side note, I love when songs get into your head and you don't REALLY know the words, and hey you're not even sure if you like the song in the first place. Resume actual rambling in...5..4...3...2...1.... now. Actually, nothing's really pissed me off lately - I have found a new pet peeve though: "Oh yeah, I'll call you definately tomorrow sometime." And then they don't. I have better things to do than wait for people's calls, y'know. Argh.
Rambling #58 (July 10/01)
Something not so negative to ramble about: rain. I like the rain. (Unforunately, it's the negative rants that are longer. Oh well.)
Rambling #57 (June 24/01)
Apparently, I'm a smartassed bitch. Nice. I seem to be getting that more and more lately. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up.
Rambling #56 (June 10/01)
I HATE CALGARY DRIVERS. The red & white triangular sign means YIELD people... meaning DO NOT GO UNLESS THERE IS A BIG BREAK IN TRAFFIC. *fuckers* The yellow sign that says MERGE means MERGE INTO TRAFFIC. Do not SLOW DOWN. Do not STOP. And for the love of god, give me a god damn thank you wave when I let you in! BASTARDS!
Rambling #55 (May 31/01)
I really dislike being yelled at. I find it so hard to bite my tongue and keep from saying something back that I know I'll regret. It's a skill, you know, to be able to shut the hell up when you know you have to. I guess it's patience, to a certain extent. And I don't have a lot of patience when people get in my face and start yelling. Unfortunately it's the people that I respect that are doing the yelling and I can't exactly yell back without getting into more trouble. (I.E. benching) Sigh. It's very frustrating - it's like, I KNOW I've done something wrong, I KNOW what to do next time, you really don't need to re-iterate this while you're getting all up in my damn face!!! AAAH. Sometimes I just want to tell those people to fuck off... but that would just cause more problems. Suck it up princess, right?
Rambling #54 (May 10/01)
PEOPLE SUCK. *ahem* Ok, I feel better.
Rambling #53 (April 30/01)
Y'know, I really have nothing to whine about today. I mean, I could complain about how I am absolutely sick of work and life in general. I could complain about how my love life is pissing me off. I could complain about how meeting guys off the internet is really not the best way to be spending my time (But I love each and every one of them, seriously.) ---> but I won't. Because nobody cares anyways. I doubt if people even READ these things... They just see a bunch of words on a screen and skim through the important bits (Assuming there ARE any important bits.) ... Anyway, who actually cares about my little life? In the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty useless. That doesn' t mean I don't love my life (for the most part) - I do. Carpe diem, as the saying goes. I just fail to see how my thoughts can influence ANYONE... meh. Not like it matters if they did anyways. Someday you'll all understand where I'm coming from.
Rambling #52 (April 20/01)
Mwa ha ha, 4:20. Ok, now that that's over with. I had the most depressing conversation witha girl the other day. She was commenting on how people thought she was a bitch (I don't think she is and I'm a pretty good judge of that) ... I asked her why she cared so much about what other people thought of her and she replied that she was so self consious that she couldn't help worrying about what others think. Now... there is NOTHING physically wrong with this girl, she's really pretty and thin and stuff but she HATES how she looks. Of course nothing I said would make her feel better, although I told her that I thought she was beautiful (But it doesn't mean much coming from a straight female I guess... heh...) --> I don't get it though. What happened to this girl to make her hate herself so much? Who did that to her? :(
Rambling #51 (April 10/01)
After another fight with my father, I've come to the conclusion that I just don't care anymore. If he wants me to speak to him in a tone that is respectful then he will have to return the same courtesy to me. I've had it with ALWAYS being the bad guy. I'm not even a bad daughter either. Of course, he sees me as such. Sigh.
Rambling #50 (March 21/01)
Time to pick up with the old webpage again. Haven't really had much time or desire to be playing around with this lately. Major life changes take a LOT of work you know... but I think I'm succeeding quite nicely. At any rate, the only thing that's been swimming around my mind lately is my anticipation for my trip to E-town next week. I know, I know, it's not good to get my hopes up like this... but I just need a break from here even if it is just for a few days. An escape from responsibility if you will. Not like I have much of that to begin with, if you want to talk to my parents about it. But yeah, I am looking forward to it for many reasons. We'll see how it goes. Haven't partied in ages, I miss that too. Sigh. But when one doesn't have the funds to go to a $40 party every weekend, well one can't go. Sucks, but that's life. I hope to be going again soon!
Rambling #49 (January 5/01)
I discovered why dreams never come true - It was a brilliant revelation, a moment of complete clarity, where everything made sense to me. And then I lost it as quickly as it came. I really should bring a pen along with me for just such an occasion (as long as security doesn't take it away from me!) because I'm always so brilliant while I'm dancing.
~Back!!~
"ZzzzZzzZ"
